(no subject)
i am SO INADEQUATE, INCAPABLE, INCOMPREHENSIBLE, IRRESPONSIBLE, INEFFECTIVE, INEFFICIENT, IMPOTENT................................................ i cried because i was afraid to ask my parents for the fees to my art lessons for which i am only resuming the pace and PANIC! because deadlines loom ever closer and previously i was always too busy/lazy/unconfident(urgh). my mum laughed and told me i am stupid for feeling responsible when i am just a child and that i just have to try and get into a good school and i cried more because this support comes after months and months of discouragement and entirely-not-subtle-at-all hints about how i should be doing something else(academia) well i am thankful anyway for that and her drying my tears and the two hundred bucks(i insist on paying half the fees). commitment to my decision, my future, my relationships gets me down really bad because agency and free will are the scariest things that i force myself to confront every day. concepts that i believe in because i find myself unable to believe in circumstance or predetermination and such. which is why i would go insane if not for the knowledge of God's will which i know shapes everything. even then there is the pains of maintaining this relationship with God, being a self, being His child and His agent in this less than Christian world. a pain that i know should be replaced by trust and dependence on His grace, rather than my own will.......... but this is the pain and the crisis that every person must face because we have imperfect knowledge and volition and yet, a perfect undeniable irremovable freedom and therefore responsibility, to God, to our loved ones, to our own self. i wish everything hurt less, i know soon enough i will reap with songs of joy what i have been sowing with tears for these years but for now, things are stretching out so much longer than i'd expected, i just can't wait, i just want to curl up and wait for the months to pass and put me where God intends, but that's laziness, the thoughts and self-accusations begin all over again. there's no way out of this struggle, and this is the very fight to be alive and to live a life as one should, so it's strange that the pain of it is so acute to me when others seem to manage effortlessly. but i don't wish to be desensitised to whatever i am feeling now. i'm just talking about it. i guess when i write, i articulate and come to understand the meaning of a lot of things, probably...... everything that's important and necessary to be understood anyway.