(no subject)
Author(s): jess66six and Imyour666christ
Pairing: Kangin/Yesung plus ninja pairings
Rating: R now, overall NC 17
Warning: Mature Themes
Summary: Kangin and Yesung try to get over their problems.
Disclaimer: We don't own
Part 1: community.livejournal.com/miracle______/3335187.html#cutid1
Part 2: community.livejournal.com/miracle______/3354627.html#cutid1
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Author(s) Note: So...this took forever, only because my internet is full of fail. Anyway, we've recieved a lot of comments on the psychology of this fic-I totally understand. We're doing things backwards and that's a little odd...but we're having fun with it. (I should have made a mention of that beforehand...but...you know...I didn't. XD Enjoy.
The night was quickly approaching and by the time the two exited the restaurant the sky was darkening. The cool air wisped around them and Kangin instinctively pulled his coat around him a little tighter. The older man stood in front of him, arms wrapped around himself, hair astray from the gentle breeze. They both stood in front of Kangin’s car, yet neither made a move to step inside.
“It’s getting late…” The younger started and received a slow look from the other.
“I don’t want to go back.” Yesung said with defiance.
Kangin didn’t even bother to reply, but let his silence be taken as agreement. The wind bit at his skin and his eyes continued to fall from the other. “What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” he walked a few steps away clinching and loosening his fists over and over again. “I just don’t want to go back.”
Yesung rested lightly against the car, looking up at the color streaked sky. He couldn't think of a thing he wanted to do, yet he couldn't bring himself to return to the confines of their dorm, to his room. As awkward as things could get, he still didn't want to end his time with Kangin.
Slowly, he looked back over to him, eyes pleading for him to come to his side. Kangin got the message and soon joined him resting against the car. They stood in silence and watched the sun set, both with their eyes focused on the fading colors in the sky. Yesung felt a shiver ripple through his body, finally bringing Kangin to lay his eyes on him.
"Are you cold, Jongwoon hyung?"
"I'll be fine." he smiled, looking into the caring eyes beside him briefly before returning them to the sky. He felt a shift beside him, then he was draped in warmth. Kangin’s jacket rested lightly on his shoulders, heating him inside as well as out.
"Thank you, Youngwoon..."
The sky faded, sun beyond the horizon.
"We should go." Kangin whispered almost to himself.
"Can we just...walk for a bit? I'm still not ready..."
Kangin smiled at him and nodded. Yesung pulled his arms through the jacket sleeves then started ahead, Kangin following him.
The streets were still busy with vendors and kiosks, anxious for the two to pay them their business, yet the only thing they seemed to notice was the other. Yesung was almost painfully aware of every movement Kangin made, how close he would get before backing up some, and all he longed for was the younger to reach up and take his hand.
The air became crisper and Kangin’s body was desperately pleading for warmth. His eyes went to the other every couple of seconds in a nervous cycle. Every time they drifted closer he would make a conscious effort to pull back. Finally the cold winds became too much to handle and he shoved his hands inside of his pockets receiving a concerned look from the older.
“You want your jacket back?” Yesung started to pull an arm out.
“No, you keep that on; you’re wearing less than me anyway. I can handle it.” Despite his own breath visible in the air, he managed a smile.
Yesung pulled the jacket back around him and they continued to walk-their silence making a return. The smell of fried kiosk food was all that existed in the night air and the promise of their warmth was present in Kangin’s mind.
“Do you want anything?” He looked over, making eye contact that probably only lasted a second but felt like forever.
Yesung broke their gaze and looked to the ground; a muffled “sure,” came from his lips.
The younger willed him to look back up, and when he wouldn’t he grabbed a hold of his arm gently and pulled him towards a kiosk. “Come on, Jungwoon hyung.”
Yesung felt his heart skip a beat when Kangin pulled at him. Up until this point they had kept such a distance, and now feeling Kangin’s warmth through the jacket, a silly smile found its way to his face. Thankfully the younger didn't notice, as he was dragging him now by the wrist to the food stand. Yesung bit his lip thinking about how before the younger man always seemed to pull him around like this, when he wanted him to move on shows, at concerts, at the dorm when he was talking to someone and Kangin demanded his attention and felt the only time he could get it was when he drug him away by force.
He knew it wasn't like before now, however. When they came to a stop he would let him go and distance from him instead of the rough handling or abuse. He found he kind of missed the abuse, how he could be sitting somewhere and just be attacked by a flying pile of Kangin. At the time he was highly annoyed, but even before, he would find himself thinking about it later while he was alone in his bed, wondering what exactly he used to make him smell so nice, or what it was that made his skin so rough yet so smooth.
How long these thoughts had been going on eluded him, the sad fact being he didn't realize really until now, now when Kangin was almost another world away. He didn't want them to be like this anymore, like strangers. That alone was almost enough to make him cry where he stood.
A cold wind bit at Yesung’s face and he huddled down further into Kangin’s jacket, softly inhaling the light scent of the other still hanging onto the fabric. His head felt light, the smell overpowering him. Despite everything, he wanted to be able to have this smell around him all the time, to just walk up to Kangin and rest his head on his broad shoulder and let this smell lull him to sleep.
"Jongwoon? Are you okay?"
Yesung blinked, eyes wide staring up at Kangin, who was waving his hand in front of his face.
"I got you a treat." he smiled, holding some sort of steaming pastry on a stick at him.
"Oh, sorry. Thank you, Youngwoon ah." he looked up, giving him a small smile and taking the treat from him.
The cold was quickly eased away by the hot treat and the warmth of it spread through Kangin’s body. They stood, standing face to face, but never once looking at the other. He felt bad, a knot even welled up in his chest-he was being so close to Yesung earlier and now to just take it back. He blamed his behavior on the fact they were more in public, but somehow he knew that it was just his excuse.
He hoped that when they were finally homeward bound and in the room, then maybe he could touch him again. He smiled with an aching sadness before taking a cautious bite into the burning hot pastry.
Yesung was the one who started walking again, though it was back the way they came. Kangin turned to follow, biting off the last remaining bit of his treat before throwing it into a nearby trash can.
“Ya, where are you going?” He matched his pace, a huff of visible air escaping his mouth.
“Just walking again…” He trailed off and stopped walking. Kangin licked over his lips, ready to say something though he wasn’t sure himself what-then he felt a slight vibration from his pocket. His phone started singing to him soon afterward.
“Hello?” He answered. “Jungsu hyung, we didn’t mean to stay out so late, sorry.” Shortly he ended the conversation and flipped his phone back over.
“At least we’re already headed to the car,” Yesung started walking once more with his hands in his pockets as protection from the relentless wind. Kangin walked beside him, looking forward to his talk with Eeteuk that would surely await him upon his arrival back at the dorm.
Back in the car, Yesung kept his eyes focused out the window, watching the scenery flash by. He was still deep in his thoughts of what exactly it was that he felt when it came to Kangin. He was mixed up in his head, in his heart, he couldn't even think of where to begin to sort it all out. He sighed, thinking how he wouldn't have to even think about this had they not...had he not...
Chancing a tiny glance over, Yesung peered through the corner of his eye over to Kangin. The lights flashed over his face, casting a light glow on him. His eyes focused on the road, his hands wringing the steering wheel and his teeth chewing at his lip. Yesung wondered what he was thinking about, but instead of asking he just returned his stare to the window.
A short eternity of silence later, they returned to the dorm, though they just sat the car in park. Yesung played with the zipper of Kangin’s jacket, eyes fixed down unsure of what to say. Kangin just sat and kept his gaze forward as he had before, then turned quickly to the older man.
"Jongwoon hyung...thank you for coming out with me today."
"Thanks for taking me...you really didn't have to..."
"Yes I did. I want to be your friend again, Jongwoon."
"You are my friend, Youngwoon ah..."
Kangin shook his head and grabbed Yesung’s hands, looking deeply into his eyes.
"Your true friend, Jongwoon. Someone you can trust above everyone else." his right hand moved up to set itself over the others heart.
Yesung’s face heated up and he felt himself at a loss for words. Kangin had such an open and honest face, showing that he meant exactly what he said. Yet still Yesung couldn't stop focusing on the word 'friend' and how something about it made his stomach twist.
The very look on the olders face made him drop his hand and bite down on his lip. They were forcing this on themselves, there was no getting around it. “Let’s go inside.”
Kangin walked to the front door and held it open receiving the small, grateful smile from Yesung that he was deeply hoping for. The moment they walked into one of the living rooms of the dorm, there was a stir among the members.
“Ya, where’d you guys go?” Heechul jeered at the sight of them. Kangin gave a bit of a glare without thinking and watched as Donghae whispered something to him and they both giggled.
“It was not a date.” Kangin said defensively, knowing exactly what had been said.
“Youngwoon, would you like your jacket back?” Yesung asked as he slipped the parcel from his shoulders.
He grunted in irritation at the snickers received but took his jacket back nonetheless. “You guys can act like little kids all you want, where’s Jungsu hyung?” Only Hankyung gave him a helpful pointer.
Kangin walked off in the direction of Eeteuk’s room, slightly curious as to why he was already locked away from everyone, with Yesung on his heels. In his room, the leader laid on his bed, flipping candies in the air with every intent to try to catch them in his mouth.
“Teukie hyung.” He made their presence known and a piece of hard candy fell on Eeteuk’s eye as a result.
“Always the eye,” He placed a palm to it and looked between Kangin and Yesung with the other. “Hello there Jongwoon, funny you’re here I was wanting to talk to you.” He looked back over at Kangin and added, “alone.”
Yesung looked from Eeteuk to Kangin then back, a little concerned. Kangin looked as though he wanted to say something, but just made his way out of the room, waiting until they were done so he could talk with his friend.
"Come sit down with me, Yesungie. Talk to your friend Teukie." he said with a smile, patting the bed next to him. Yesung briefly wondered if he had even come in here to talk to him one on one like this before, fairly certain this was a first.
Almost reluctantly he sat next to the leader, though at a bit of an arms distance.
"So...what do you want to talk about Jungsu hyung?"
"Oh you know, things. How did your da...y...go today?"
"Fine?"
"Oh come on, Jongwoon. Stop acting like I don't know everything that is happening between you and Youngwoon. You need to open up and talk to someone. I know you don't want to, but the only way you are going to work past it is to talk to someone. You can't keep everything bottled up, it will not only hurt you, but it will hurt Youngwoon too."
Yesung bit his lip and looked down, tears brimming in his eyes. Eeteuk was right, he had shut everyone out. The only person that was close to him now was Kangin, and most of the time it felt as though they were in different countries.
A hand set itself on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. He looked up, the look of a lost and scared child on his face.
"What do I do, Teukie?"
"You need to figure out what you feel for Youngwoon."
"I don't know what I feel..."
"And that is understandable after everything that happened. If you felt any other way I would be concerned. Jongwoonie, this can't be fixed in a few days. It might not even be fixed in a few months. Hell, it may never be fixed. Not completely, at least. The best you can do is just work through it day by day and see what comes from that."
Yesung nodded, quickly wiping a stray tear away.
"The big question, Jongwoon, is do you want to make it work? Do you want to be with Youngwoon?"
The younger sat for a moment, his eyes unfocused. Words tried to form but became lost on his tongue. Eeteuk kept his hand on his shoulder, letting him feel the reassurance that no matter what, he was supporting him.
He turned to look up at his leader, eyes now overflowing with tears, and began to let everything he had held in for so long out. All his thoughts about Kangin, all his feelings, and how bad he has been hurting. How badly his heart hurts when Kangin says he wants to be friends, how he won't look at him or touch him, how it's like they can't get near each other without flinching. Mostly, how much he wants them both to move past it, how he wants to be able to reach out and touch, feel, and love.
He stopped at the word love, pulling himself from Eeteuk’s hold, just realizing that the leader had let him cry on his shoulder.
"Jungsu hyung...I think I love him..."
Eeteuk just smiled and brushed some of the hair from his face, giving him a dimpled smile "And there is nothing wrong with that, Yesungie."
***
Kangin looked forward at the white wall just a few feet in front of him. The narrow hallway that separated Jungsu’s room from the rest of the dorm, or it seemed that way. He tapped his fingers against the wall behind him in impatience.
The door sounded and he immediately became alert; he could hear the two talking to the other but he couldn’t understand anything. “Have a goodnight Jongwoon.” Eeteuk’s voice came as the door was fully opened.
“Night Jungsu hyung.” Yesung turned to face him, his eyes showed obvious signs of crying and he tried to hide it. “What are you still doing here?”
“I want to talk to Jungsu hyung too…are you alright?” He took a step closer to him, but the other looked away.
“I’m fine, Youngwoon. I’m going to go to my room, I’ll get Ryeowook to come with me so you don’t have to go in there.” Before Kangin could say much of anything to him in protest, he was walking away
Insanely curious as to what conversation could have went on while he was out in the hall waiting, he knocked on Eeteuk’s door.
“Who is it?” He replied from the other side in a sing-song voice.
“Youngwoon.” A silence passed over him, then the door opened and the leader appeared with a pair of his glasses on and holding a corncob pipe with one hand.
“My office is closed for the night.” He used a ridiculous imitation of a voice and Kangin just stared back at him.
“What did you and Jongwoon talk about? He seemed really upset.” Kangin continued to watch as the other pretended to smoke on the pipe.
“That would be confidential information. And didn’t I say the office hours are over? Come back tomorrow, now is Teukie time….”
Yesung quickly went to find Ryeowook before Kangin came after him, if he would at all. He knew he wanted to talk to Eeteuk, but the leader had made it clear he wanted alone time for a while, seeing as he had spent all of his day tending to everyone else. It made sense, Yesung couldn't imagine doing the things that Eeteuk had to.
"Ryeowook ah, come on let's go to bed." Yesung mumbled, pushing lightly on the others shoulder as he passed by on the way to their room. He didn't want to stop and have everyone notice his red eyes or tear stained cheeks.
Donghae nudged Eunhyuk in the side, watching their hyung go past, mumbling words of worry into his friends ear. The pair looked up to Ryeowook, who thankfully for Yesung, was getting up and rushing after him to their room. He gave them a smile and a wave before hurrying into the room and closing the door.
"So..."
"So what?"
The self proclaimed magnae grinned ear to ear and jumped onto his bed, as if ready for a story.
"What happened with you and Youngwoon hyung? You were both gone ALL day! And whenever we would ask, Teukie would tell us to shut up it was none of our business so it HAS to be something good! So spill it! Spill it to your little friend Wookie..."
Yesung quirked an eyebrow at him, wondering how he had picked up Eeteuk’s mannerisms without him really noticing. He shook his head, sighing, and quickly pulled his pajamas on, a little put off by Ryeowook’s waiting expression.
"Nothing happened, Wookie. We just talked..."
"Do you like him?"
"Why does everything have to be gay with you?"
"It's a pastime."
"...I'll tell you about it later, alright? Right now, I just want to go to bed."
Ryeowook sighed, but gave in, snuggling under the covers of his bed.
"Yesungie?"
"Yeah Wookie?"
"I hope everything works out okay...I like it when you're happy."
Yesung smiled slightly, leaning to turn off the lights. "Thanks Wookie."
***
Either everyone was going off to bed or was already long in their own dorms. Kangin really didn’t want to go back to his own, but he didn’t want to go into Yesung’s either. He knew Ryeowook would be in there, plus everyone had the crazy notion that they were dating now-going into his room at night no matter the circumstance would just be egging the situation on.
He stood in kitchen, looking through the cabinets as if to convince himself he was actually doing something. Maybe if he let his mind go he wouldn’t have to think at all. He held onto a cabinet with his hand and looked down at the floor. He didn’t want to see that floor again, but there it was-he thought about asking Eeteuk if he could convince someone to get the tiling changed.
A heavy sigh fell from his lips and he rested against the counter. Time passed painfully and he just stood around trying to cause absence in his mind. Though, when he drifted off, all his thoughts seemed to focus on was Yesung. How he looked earlier, and even how he looked the last time he had seen him. His eye liner that started off strong in the day was washed away by the end of it and there was no questioning that it was all Kangin’s fault.
A few hours passed and he struggled with his own mind; the house was eerily still with silence. He walked to the closets room-Yesung and Ryeowook’s. Slowly he turned the knob and peered inside. Both were sleeping, a small red light between them so Kangin could see the light form of Yesung in his bed, covered by a thin layer of sheets. Despite his better judgment, he walked over to him immediately noticing that he was crying in his sleep.
The very sight made Kangin’s heart ache and he wished he could do something to help. He wiped the tear away and watched as the other mumbled softly and curled slightly in his sleep. Gently he placed a kiss on his temple; he couldn’t resist with the sight of the man bathed in red light before him.
Yesung watched as Kangin walked away and there was nothing he could do, no way to stop him. He wouldn't meet his gaze, so cold and distant...tears rolled down his face and he wanted nothing more than the man to return to him, not to leave him this way, to make everything better.
A warmth from outside filled him, suddenly he realized he had been dreaming again. His face was wet, but a warm touch wiped it dry. He still had to be dreaming. It couldn't be real. He lay still convincing himself he was still asleep. Then, a warm kiss was placed to his temple and his heart sped up. Slowly, he opened his eyes and turned to see Kangin drenched in red light, eyes shinning.
"Yo...Youngwoon ah?" he whispered, eyes wide and confused.
Kangin looked completely at a loss. He had no intentions of waking him up, Yesung realized, and felt a little embarrassed for letting him know he was awake. He should have faked sleep...but yet again he made the moment awkward...he mentally scolded himself.
"Sorry...I just...wanted to say goodnight..." he moved to leave, but Yesung reached out and grabbed his wrist in a tight hold that surprised both of them.
What possessed him to grab the younger man was beyond him, all he knew was he didn't want him to go. His dream was still fresh in his mind, and watching Kangin walk out of the room was too much for him right now. Lightly he pulled him to sit on the bed in front of him, laying back down but keeping their eyes locked. Kangin’s lip twitched, the rest of his body frozen solid. Yesung pulled at his hand, encouraging him.
Something about how he came to him in the midst of his nightmare, to save him from his sadness, it made him feel that much more certain about the things he had told Eeteuk earlier in the night. Pulling the other down just enough, he brought their lips together in a light kiss, hoping to show his appreciation.
Kangin leaned back and pulled the blankets up around Yesung, his hand falling into his hair. Gently he stroked through the locks, lulling him into a dreamless sleep.
In the still of the night, he laid back with Yesung against him and sleeping much more peacefully. He couldn’t find rest himself, he knew he would need to leave before anyone woke up; Ryeowook would obviously see and that couldn’t be any good. But there was something about how comfortable he was, and how he didn’t want to leave Yesung again.
The rise and falls of the others chest was calming, and creating a drowsy feeling within Kangin. His breaths started to match the olders and his eyes slowly closed all on their own. Sleep came whether he wanted it or not, and it seemed like only a second passed before he was being woken up.
“Hyung…pssst, hyung….” The poking finger in his arm belonged to Ryeowook, and when Kangin opened his eyes he could tell that the boy hadn’t left the room yet. “Hurry up and get out of here before someone else notices, or at least…you know…stop spooning.”
“What time is it?” Kangin asked before glancing down at the man laying almost halfway over his body.
“Early, and don’t worry-I won’t tell anyone.”
“We’re not dating, Ryeowook.”
“Alright, Youngwoon hyung.” He gave a wink, causing an eyebrow quirk from Kangin. “My lips are sealed.”
Yesung woke up slowly, stretching out like a cat. He had slept wonderfully, the best sleep he could remember having a some time. He smiled as he inhaled the scent of Kangin on his pillow. He wondered briefly how long the other had stayed, noticing that where he had been was still slightly warm.
"Good morning hyung!" Ryeowook’s cheerful voice rang suddenly, jolting his attention up to see the younger man with a breakfast tray. "I made you breakfast in bed!"
"Aw you didn't have to do that Ryeowookie...you are so sweet."
Ryeowook just gave a chipper smile and set the tray down for his hyung.
"I hope you like it, I got up really early so no one else could take it."
Yesung smiled gratefully, realizing he hadn't eaten much in the past few days and his stomach was almost caving in on itself. It seemed his good sleep was improving his other problems as well, food went down quickly along with the orange juice and coffee the younger had made him.
"This is great, Wookie. Thank you so much."
"Don't mention it! Now I have to go, Super Junior M is getting together for some practice, and I haven't studied a bit of Chinese in days. I wont understand a thing anyone is saying."
Yesung gave a small laugh and watched as the other left, notebooks in hand. He missed him when he went to China, but was so happy and proud of the younger singer and all of their accomplishments.
Finishing his breakfast, he set the tray aside and grabbed his clothes for the day, hoping he could get a quick shower in before everyone started a war over it. Luckily, he managed to make it with no one diving at him. He rushed through, then back out to see everyone slowly making their way into the living room.
"Yah what do you look so happy about?" Heechul asked, nudging Yesung in the side. The younger blinked, failing to realize he had a smile planted firmly on his face.
"Good morning, I suppose."
Sungmin leaned over to Kibum and giggled something about getting laid last night, earning a slap on the back of the head from Eeteuk.
"Be nice to Yesungie. He has been very tired lately. He needed a good sleep." the leader smiled, squeezing Yesung lightly on the shoulder.
His smile stayed on, no matter how hard he tried to bite it back. Sitting on the couch next to Shindong, he listened into everyone's conversations about how Eunhyuk was depressed due to the lack of Donghae and their morning tousling, or how Heechul was deeply annoyed that he had to get up because Hankyung was and he couldn't let him leave without a proper goodbye, even though they would be back later that day.
Yesung just sat and listened, a little spaced out. His mind kept going back to Kangin, when they talked about the couples that were together and the ones being split up all he could think about was the younger man and how he wished he was here with him.
***
Water ran cold in the shower and Kangin was sure that he was the last one to use it. He rubbed against his head and cursed himself for only getting about an hour of sleep, then he just wondered how the rest of Yesung’s night was. He just wondered if he was feeling better now or if he was mad at him for leaving yet again
He wanted to go out and face everyone, but he knew if he went out there and saw Yesung with them, he wouldn’t be able to hold back the inevitable smile that was sure to grace his features. Really, despite how exhausted and sick feeling he was, all he cared about was the others well being.
Kangin dressed himself without leaving the bathroom, he wanted everyone out of the house so he could talk to Yesung. So he could be with him. They weren’t dating. He had to remind himself over and over again. It didn’t feel like they were dating, but he was sure the thought kept appearing because maybe, just maybe, he wanted them to be. He wanted to be in a relationship with Yesung, but he knew there was no way that Yesung would ever want to be with him after what he did.
“Can this work?” Kangin asked his reflection in desperation. His heart was hurting and he was having a hard time figuring out why. The reflection never answered him, and he knew no one could.