Blah!
So I've been in a good mood lately, despite all the shit going on. However I'm dealing with a lot of confusion. The things I'm most confused about (which I'm pretty much always confused about): my parents, and guys. Thanksfortaking brought about some family drama that hadn't been dealt with. My dad apologized for traumatizing and deeply hurting me 4 years ago on Thanksfortaking and I honestly kinda feel like it's simply too little too late. It's not that I've forgotten that day...it's in my head to stay....but seeing as we haven't spoken of the incident until now...it's like i've already figured out how to deal with it and let go as best I can. What the hell does he expect? He's always thought him saying "I'm sorry" and buying me something would make it ALL BETTER. Like as if it's my choice to forgive him. If I could I probably would, but it's really fucking hard. To add to the situation, he is once again trying to start things up again with my poor mother. It's been three years of him being with her for 3-4 months, then crushing her, then starting it over again. It's so hard to watch her go through all this. After 16 years of abuse, when he moved out I thought things could be good for everybody. But they keep holding on, only to break up a few months later. And she gets so hurt by him, but some part of her needs him so badly. Fuck if I know what do do about that situation. I just try to stay out of it and be there for my mother, 'cause unfortunately I know exactly how she feels, and I'm just as guilty for having held on to a person I knew wasn't good for me. Which brings me to the guy issue.
It's been a little over a year basically since I've had a real relationship. So like this whole summer and much into the fall I've been feeling all shitty and horribly lonely. All I wanted was a boyfriend, and I was doing the stupidest shit trying to fucking get one. Then I finally woke up a few weeks ago and realized that it's a problem if I can't love myself without having the love of a guy. So I've been fixing that problem, and things are going well. Actually they're fabulous. Haha, but of course the minute I decide I don't want a boyfriend, guys start coming around being all interested. Dude at work is on the rebound and is all about seeing me. That isn't a good idea, we have nothing in common. What really sucks is there are a few really really nice guys who I know would treat me really well and who I am attracted to....but I'm honestly too afraid of hurting them 'cause I'm unsure and they're nice to the point that I see them as vulnerable to my mean side. But, like I said, I'm working on things. It's just very fucking awkward when I was nearly begging for a guy to show some interest in me a few months ago and now I'm in the position of essentially having to choose who to be with? Well, I'm not choosing anybody 'cause I'm ok with being single until I'm sure he's the right one. Whoever the hell "he" is....Oh, and he better come at me proper-like. I'm all about being traditional....well.....sorta............
Hahahaha, so lastly, I will say, that tomorrow I'm doing a photoshoot with a guy who's making a book of girls. I get to wear whatever I want and all that and we're gonna take pictures near the light house. I feel like the dumbest piece of shit. Truthfully, being pretty makes me uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with it aside from laughing. Hahahah I'm going to make the worst model ever....there's no way I'll keep a straight face. But it is sure the hell VERY flattering that this guy wants to include me in his book.
Alright so now that we're all caught up. I have so much love for my friends right now, even the ones I don't know very well (but hope dearly to know better). There are definetely some amazing people in my life, and I'm so thankful.
It's been a little over a year basically since I've had a real relationship. So like this whole summer and much into the fall I've been feeling all shitty and horribly lonely. All I wanted was a boyfriend, and I was doing the stupidest shit trying to fucking get one. Then I finally woke up a few weeks ago and realized that it's a problem if I can't love myself without having the love of a guy. So I've been fixing that problem, and things are going well. Actually they're fabulous. Haha, but of course the minute I decide I don't want a boyfriend, guys start coming around being all interested. Dude at work is on the rebound and is all about seeing me. That isn't a good idea, we have nothing in common. What really sucks is there are a few really really nice guys who I know would treat me really well and who I am attracted to....but I'm honestly too afraid of hurting them 'cause I'm unsure and they're nice to the point that I see them as vulnerable to my mean side. But, like I said, I'm working on things. It's just very fucking awkward when I was nearly begging for a guy to show some interest in me a few months ago and now I'm in the position of essentially having to choose who to be with? Well, I'm not choosing anybody 'cause I'm ok with being single until I'm sure he's the right one. Whoever the hell "he" is....Oh, and he better come at me proper-like. I'm all about being traditional....well.....sorta............
Hahahaha, so lastly, I will say, that tomorrow I'm doing a photoshoot with a guy who's making a book of girls. I get to wear whatever I want and all that and we're gonna take pictures near the light house. I feel like the dumbest piece of shit. Truthfully, being pretty makes me uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with it aside from laughing. Hahahah I'm going to make the worst model ever....there's no way I'll keep a straight face. But it is sure the hell VERY flattering that this guy wants to include me in his book.
Alright so now that we're all caught up. I have so much love for my friends right now, even the ones I don't know very well (but hope dearly to know better). There are definetely some amazing people in my life, and I'm so thankful.