Oh, geez
Well gosh darn it. Wish my life was prettier. I'm high as fuck by the by. This should be great to read tomorrow. Ok . So this guy, this guy who I fucking broke my anti boy/crush phase just so I could like. This guy. THIS GUY is so cute. So sweet. So funny. So needy. I like it so much. Bah....yeah this guy is confusing as fuck too. Maybe I like that as well. What could he want from me? He doesn't want to kiss me, doesn't want a relationship, apparently wants to purely be my friend. Which is fine, but then he's also so affectionate with me, and wanting to spend a lot of time with me and talk to me constantly. I love all the attention. I need someone like him right now. It reminds me that I'm alive and that people want to talk to me. Nobody else really ever talks to me if I'm online without me initiating conversation. But regardless, he is on his mission to fuck lots of girls. I should steer clear of being one of those girls unless we've got a relationship. I HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT. Can't let lust get the best of me again. Too many times have I ended up hurt 'cause of that. But it's not because of me....it's 'cause the guys never know how to deal with it.
Chris does though. Chris is so good at understanding our relationship. So good at being my friend and lover. Not letting one influence the other. He's great. It should get me to forget about Edy. But it doesn't really. I'm dealing with Edy as best I can but it doesn't really work. Well at least I gave him a hug and flashed my biggest smile and brightest eyes. Acted like I could never see him again and I couldn't care less. "We should kick it sometime" I said. He just looked and kind of nodded as his eyes squinted confusion. Doesn't change that I still think about him. Dream that he'll call and just say "Fuck I'm sorry for being so immature...I want to hang out with you. I want to be your friend". That would be so incredible. God I want that.
I want a kiss from David too. David is "this guy" mentioned above. It would either affirm or reject my feelings for him. FUck whatever's said. If the kiss isn't good it's not worth it. Just be friends. But, keep in mind that if the kiss IS good, it still may not be worth it. Good luck with being friends. The sooner I kiss David the better. That way I don't end up liking him for hella long and then finding he's a poor kisser. That would be frustrating as all fuck. How do you tell someone you don't want them because it's not in the kiss? Whatever "it" is.Knowing the answer to that would help me out a lot too. I seem to like David a lot though. Well.....or so I think.
I'm having flashbacks of a year ago. Listening to "Living in Glass Houses" by Radiohead with Jonathan. That was on one of the last days I spent in the house I grew up in. It was so early in the morning, it was one of the last times I felt something still lingered between us. I've totally forgotten what it feels like to love someone, or to be loved by someone. What the fuck happened? I miss having him, but I'll never love him again. But this song brings me right back to that hazy blue morning with dew on my window and the crisp air clinging to my cotton sheets. I was so in love with him. I can remember and feel everything about that morning except loving him. It's hard. It makes me miserable.
I'm lonely, and scared of staying this way. Scared of becomming so comfortable within this loneliness that I lose grasp of how to get out. I need a kiss really bad. But a meaningful one. And so is my dilemna. I wish my life was prettier.
Chris does though. Chris is so good at understanding our relationship. So good at being my friend and lover. Not letting one influence the other. He's great. It should get me to forget about Edy. But it doesn't really. I'm dealing with Edy as best I can but it doesn't really work. Well at least I gave him a hug and flashed my biggest smile and brightest eyes. Acted like I could never see him again and I couldn't care less. "We should kick it sometime" I said. He just looked and kind of nodded as his eyes squinted confusion. Doesn't change that I still think about him. Dream that he'll call and just say "Fuck I'm sorry for being so immature...I want to hang out with you. I want to be your friend". That would be so incredible. God I want that.
I want a kiss from David too. David is "this guy" mentioned above. It would either affirm or reject my feelings for him. FUck whatever's said. If the kiss isn't good it's not worth it. Just be friends. But, keep in mind that if the kiss IS good, it still may not be worth it. Good luck with being friends. The sooner I kiss David the better. That way I don't end up liking him for hella long and then finding he's a poor kisser. That would be frustrating as all fuck. How do you tell someone you don't want them because it's not in the kiss? Whatever "it" is.Knowing the answer to that would help me out a lot too. I seem to like David a lot though. Well.....or so I think.
I'm having flashbacks of a year ago. Listening to "Living in Glass Houses" by Radiohead with Jonathan. That was on one of the last days I spent in the house I grew up in. It was so early in the morning, it was one of the last times I felt something still lingered between us. I've totally forgotten what it feels like to love someone, or to be loved by someone. What the fuck happened? I miss having him, but I'll never love him again. But this song brings me right back to that hazy blue morning with dew on my window and the crisp air clinging to my cotton sheets. I was so in love with him. I can remember and feel everything about that morning except loving him. It's hard. It makes me miserable.
I'm lonely, and scared of staying this way. Scared of becomming so comfortable within this loneliness that I lose grasp of how to get out. I need a kiss really bad. But a meaningful one. And so is my dilemna. I wish my life was prettier.