Long time, no see
My first post in forever and it got eaten! Or ate-ed! Or whatever the hell it did! It's gone!
I never update here, and I don't think it matters, because I mostly am on here to watch my communities. I love to read what Ashley's doing, because she is "So ME!" at that age. I love her love for life and all that is around her.
There are also a few that I have friended because I notice them and want to get to know them better, or am pissed that they are having to go through something in their life that they shouldn't have to. Life is unfair sometimes, however, I know that it all plays out as it should.
I'm a bad LJ friend though, because I don't update at all. I use myspace to do that. BUT, I need to be somewhere private that I can vent and my RL friends not see it.
I turn 40 in just a few weeks. June 28. Yikes. I don't feel it, I don't act it, I need to color my hair again and hide the gray hairs, because the other day I bought some beer and the lady asked for my ID. (Yes!) Then she looked straight at my hairline and said... nevermind. You look young, but I can tell you're old enough. WHAT! I wanted to show her my ID! I can remember being pissed off because I was 25 and being carded for cigarettes!!! Now, I ALMOST got carded at 39? That's not bad.
But I'm tired. My son is doing wonderful. My schooling? I will graduate in Dec. 07 if I can pass my espanol classes. I'm working on it.
Now for my bitch and gripe. I've been seeing/dating a guy that I've known for about 25 years. Not my type other than the fact that he plays bass. It's been conveinent because he will pick me up, take me out and I can leave this house and have a ride back. He wanted more than I could give him though and I don't love him or at times even like him. He's comfortable. He's a really nice guy. He's not a good dad though. His own son can't stand him because of his uptightness in how his son should be. Me? This is a huge red flag of .... Not going to be good for my kiddo, not going to spend time with him. So there.
He pushes for more, and two weeks ago I told him I couldn't do it. So there is 8 months of my life that is over. For him though, you would think that I had screwed someone in front of him and then told him I hated him. He won't speak to me, I've only tried to call him once. He is pissed off. I am sorry and have said that to the point that I told him I won't say it anymore. He says I need to say it 1000 times more and onstage. hah!
The problem is that so many of our friends are the same and he's out in the public more. I'm not. Because I can't be. He's free to be at this point in his life. His son is grown, mine isn't. He works and I am full-time in school. My life is at home and with my kid's stuff. Now, I'm getting calls from people that want to know why I broke his heart. I don't think I did! I never said I loved him. I never said that we were anything other than dating. I only want to live my life and make it the best I can for my son. If I could find someone for both of us, that would be great, but I'm not out there looking. I have had the chance to love a few times, and I am lucky to still be friends with some of those. It's not like I told him I couldn't do this anymore so that I could go out and find someone else! I didn't and am not planning on it. I mostly want to be left alone right now. UGH.
I hate to start a new decade with this confusion surrounding me. I hate that I even have this confusion.
So, does anyone have any advice for a person in a small southern town that suddenly finds herself being hated because of what she did to another person? I just want to move on from this, and yet I know it's something that I need to go through. I just feel like more and more I cut out people and things and never add to it in my life. My life is getting more encapsulated. I don't want that. I'm not that way, yet I feel I have no choice anymore.
Does any of this make sense? I'm not re-reading... just going to hit post.
I never update here, and I don't think it matters, because I mostly am on here to watch my communities. I love to read what Ashley's doing, because she is "So ME!" at that age. I love her love for life and all that is around her.
There are also a few that I have friended because I notice them and want to get to know them better, or am pissed that they are having to go through something in their life that they shouldn't have to. Life is unfair sometimes, however, I know that it all plays out as it should.
I'm a bad LJ friend though, because I don't update at all. I use myspace to do that. BUT, I need to be somewhere private that I can vent and my RL friends not see it.
I turn 40 in just a few weeks. June 28. Yikes. I don't feel it, I don't act it, I need to color my hair again and hide the gray hairs, because the other day I bought some beer and the lady asked for my ID. (Yes!) Then she looked straight at my hairline and said... nevermind. You look young, but I can tell you're old enough. WHAT! I wanted to show her my ID! I can remember being pissed off because I was 25 and being carded for cigarettes!!! Now, I ALMOST got carded at 39? That's not bad.
But I'm tired. My son is doing wonderful. My schooling? I will graduate in Dec. 07 if I can pass my espanol classes. I'm working on it.
Now for my bitch and gripe. I've been seeing/dating a guy that I've known for about 25 years. Not my type other than the fact that he plays bass. It's been conveinent because he will pick me up, take me out and I can leave this house and have a ride back. He wanted more than I could give him though and I don't love him or at times even like him. He's comfortable. He's a really nice guy. He's not a good dad though. His own son can't stand him because of his uptightness in how his son should be. Me? This is a huge red flag of .... Not going to be good for my kiddo, not going to spend time with him. So there.
He pushes for more, and two weeks ago I told him I couldn't do it. So there is 8 months of my life that is over. For him though, you would think that I had screwed someone in front of him and then told him I hated him. He won't speak to me, I've only tried to call him once. He is pissed off. I am sorry and have said that to the point that I told him I won't say it anymore. He says I need to say it 1000 times more and onstage. hah!
The problem is that so many of our friends are the same and he's out in the public more. I'm not. Because I can't be. He's free to be at this point in his life. His son is grown, mine isn't. He works and I am full-time in school. My life is at home and with my kid's stuff. Now, I'm getting calls from people that want to know why I broke his heart. I don't think I did! I never said I loved him. I never said that we were anything other than dating. I only want to live my life and make it the best I can for my son. If I could find someone for both of us, that would be great, but I'm not out there looking. I have had the chance to love a few times, and I am lucky to still be friends with some of those. It's not like I told him I couldn't do this anymore so that I could go out and find someone else! I didn't and am not planning on it. I mostly want to be left alone right now. UGH.
I hate to start a new decade with this confusion surrounding me. I hate that I even have this confusion.
So, does anyone have any advice for a person in a small southern town that suddenly finds herself being hated because of what she did to another person? I just want to move on from this, and yet I know it's something that I need to go through. I just feel like more and more I cut out people and things and never add to it in my life. My life is getting more encapsulated. I don't want that. I'm not that way, yet I feel I have no choice anymore.
Does any of this make sense? I'm not re-reading... just going to hit post.