my thoughts, life, the present, the future
This journal entry is more directed toward how my life has shaped up the past couple of years and whatis currently going on with me. I haven't got my thoughts out there in awhile and I need to. This entry isn't meant to augment the past but it's stuff I needed to say and haven't.
Where to start? There are so many things I could say, or have thought about. My life is more of a confusion right now then anything. To say the least, nothing much has changed in the past year. I just turned 20 years old, and yet I still feel like I'm doing nothing, though I'm putting forth a lot of effort to tie up loose ends and further myself for the better. I quit my job because of the stress. I just feel like I shouldn't be this way. I'm so weak sometimes. Maybe I could have pushed myself a little harder or maybe it just wasn't the right thing for me. I hope I made the right decision. I'm hoping to actually get a job that I like, for the first time.
Friends have come and gone. Luke, though my closest friend, is hit or miss. Nick for lack of a better word is too wrapped up in his life to care about anyone else. I recently got reacquainted with an old friend who I've known for the better part of 4 years named Eric. Brandon and I have recently started hanging out again, kicking back beers and reminiscing about fucking up barnes and noble. It feels like old times, when things were chill and there was never any drama. We used to all get together at the apartment I lived at with my ex girlfriend, get drunk and just play video games all night. We were like a unit. We all worked together, and played together.
Lisa and I have been through a lot since we first met. It'll be 2 years in August. Seems like yesterday I was that dude in her basement playing Nintendo with her. I'm not even really sure when our technical anniversary is. I don't think she knows either. We don't care, I think it's just important that we are together. I love this girl a lot. I've obviously never had this feeling for anyone before. It took us both a while to realize it clicked though. More so in the beginning, I set myself up to get my feelings hurt. We weren't together but it was still tough. Obviously she wouldn't be with me now if she didn't want to be but sometimes I just feel like I can't live up to what her and johnny had. She always says that they wouldn't have worked and I mean I'm not trying to compare myself to him at all (we are two totally different people) but she has and will always admire him to the greatest extent and I'll never amount to what he is. I know I'm a good person, a good boyfriend, and I'm not trying to down myself, it's just how I feel.
The problem now is when I hear or see his name I think of being hurt, I think of my emotions exploding. I don't hate Johnny, not by any means. I still have a little pent up anger stemming from something that happened last year. I guess it was out of my control. Lisa and I weren't technically together but all signs were pointing that way. It doesn't mean I'm mad at Lisa either (or anymore rather), it just hurt. It's been awhile, I mean I've had a lot of time to get over it and I wish I didn't think about it ever. I don't want to. It just makes me feel horrible inside, but it comes flooding back when I hear about him. Eventually I'll get past it, and I'm almost there but it still comes back every now and again.
I'm not saying I was ever a saint. I'm not saying I've never hurt her. She has been willing to forgive me for things as I have her. There is and will be turmoil, as there is in any relationship. The difference between our relationship and other people is the fact that we (for the most part) are always on the same page. That my friend, is something that you just don't find in any random person.
I think Lisa and I have a solid relationship. Sometimes we get on each others nerves, but for the most part I do everything I can to make her life easier, and I know she appreciates that. I know that I want to be with her, and I want things to be perfect, but it'll take a long time before I can give her everything, things she deserves such as marriage, security, and peace. She has my heart and I think thats the most important thing as of now.
Everyone puts so much stress on her, and they just don't see what she goes through. Her sister has been a little better lately but it just pisses me off how for the most part she takes Lisa for granted. If you have a free roof over your head and a loving sister to take care of you, don't fucking complain you know? Shes been really upset lately over the doctors giving her the run around about her kidney ailment. I personally think it is pretty fucking ridiculous that they weren't taking it serious. My opinion is that if someone is gonna pay you money to make them feel better, fucking do it. How are you going to say go away for a month and then come back? How does that resolve your issue? It doesn't and the medical system is fucking retarded.
I'm starting to realize now more then ever that there really aren't many genuine people on this planet. My basic plan from now on: stick to people closest to you and fuck the rest. Case and point, I basically know who my real friends are. The people that actually gave a shit about my birthday. The People who actually cared to show up. It was important to me but I guess not to my so called friends. I wasn't expecting a million people, but I was expecting people that have been promising me and telling me they were gonna be there for a month and it really hurt my feelings. I had a good night regardless, but now I'm going to give a fuck less about anyone else's birthday or whatever. All you really need are the people closest to you. It isn't about having the most friends, rather the best people in your life.
Where to start? There are so many things I could say, or have thought about. My life is more of a confusion right now then anything. To say the least, nothing much has changed in the past year. I just turned 20 years old, and yet I still feel like I'm doing nothing, though I'm putting forth a lot of effort to tie up loose ends and further myself for the better. I quit my job because of the stress. I just feel like I shouldn't be this way. I'm so weak sometimes. Maybe I could have pushed myself a little harder or maybe it just wasn't the right thing for me. I hope I made the right decision. I'm hoping to actually get a job that I like, for the first time.
Friends have come and gone. Luke, though my closest friend, is hit or miss. Nick for lack of a better word is too wrapped up in his life to care about anyone else. I recently got reacquainted with an old friend who I've known for the better part of 4 years named Eric. Brandon and I have recently started hanging out again, kicking back beers and reminiscing about fucking up barnes and noble. It feels like old times, when things were chill and there was never any drama. We used to all get together at the apartment I lived at with my ex girlfriend, get drunk and just play video games all night. We were like a unit. We all worked together, and played together.
Lisa and I have been through a lot since we first met. It'll be 2 years in August. Seems like yesterday I was that dude in her basement playing Nintendo with her. I'm not even really sure when our technical anniversary is. I don't think she knows either. We don't care, I think it's just important that we are together. I love this girl a lot. I've obviously never had this feeling for anyone before. It took us both a while to realize it clicked though. More so in the beginning, I set myself up to get my feelings hurt. We weren't together but it was still tough. Obviously she wouldn't be with me now if she didn't want to be but sometimes I just feel like I can't live up to what her and johnny had. She always says that they wouldn't have worked and I mean I'm not trying to compare myself to him at all (we are two totally different people) but she has and will always admire him to the greatest extent and I'll never amount to what he is. I know I'm a good person, a good boyfriend, and I'm not trying to down myself, it's just how I feel.
The problem now is when I hear or see his name I think of being hurt, I think of my emotions exploding. I don't hate Johnny, not by any means. I still have a little pent up anger stemming from something that happened last year. I guess it was out of my control. Lisa and I weren't technically together but all signs were pointing that way. It doesn't mean I'm mad at Lisa either (or anymore rather), it just hurt. It's been awhile, I mean I've had a lot of time to get over it and I wish I didn't think about it ever. I don't want to. It just makes me feel horrible inside, but it comes flooding back when I hear about him. Eventually I'll get past it, and I'm almost there but it still comes back every now and again.
I'm not saying I was ever a saint. I'm not saying I've never hurt her. She has been willing to forgive me for things as I have her. There is and will be turmoil, as there is in any relationship. The difference between our relationship and other people is the fact that we (for the most part) are always on the same page. That my friend, is something that you just don't find in any random person.
I think Lisa and I have a solid relationship. Sometimes we get on each others nerves, but for the most part I do everything I can to make her life easier, and I know she appreciates that. I know that I want to be with her, and I want things to be perfect, but it'll take a long time before I can give her everything, things she deserves such as marriage, security, and peace. She has my heart and I think thats the most important thing as of now.
Everyone puts so much stress on her, and they just don't see what she goes through. Her sister has been a little better lately but it just pisses me off how for the most part she takes Lisa for granted. If you have a free roof over your head and a loving sister to take care of you, don't fucking complain you know? Shes been really upset lately over the doctors giving her the run around about her kidney ailment. I personally think it is pretty fucking ridiculous that they weren't taking it serious. My opinion is that if someone is gonna pay you money to make them feel better, fucking do it. How are you going to say go away for a month and then come back? How does that resolve your issue? It doesn't and the medical system is fucking retarded.
I'm starting to realize now more then ever that there really aren't many genuine people on this planet. My basic plan from now on: stick to people closest to you and fuck the rest. Case and point, I basically know who my real friends are. The people that actually gave a shit about my birthday. The People who actually cared to show up. It was important to me but I guess not to my so called friends. I wasn't expecting a million people, but I was expecting people that have been promising me and telling me they were gonna be there for a month and it really hurt my feelings. I had a good night regardless, but now I'm going to give a fuck less about anyone else's birthday or whatever. All you really need are the people closest to you. It isn't about having the most friends, rather the best people in your life.