Meme, class stuff, bringing teh emo (feeling literal today).
Meme tiem. And it's been sitting in my posting box thingy all day and I've been filling it in during gaps in class and stuff.
Can you take this without deleting any questions?
Yeah. No reason not to lol.
What's going on between you and the last person you kissed?
Absolutely nothing.
What was your worst mistake in your life?
Oh shit, which one? Uhhhh... I really don't know. Not leaving my biological home sooner.
What's something you really want right now? Be honest:
To get wasted and pass out. lol it's 1pm.
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
The good kind? Last weekend when I was excited to go home and see people. The bad kind? This morning when I had to go outside and shit lol
Does anything on your body hurt right now?
My stomach. I need to eat something.
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Um... what I call 'deep' was probably lolab or saykendrawithme
What are you listening to right now?
'You Are the Moon' by The Hush Sound who I finally got into a few days ago.
What’s a quote from a song that you are listening to?
'But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light'
(had that on repeat recently after writing the latest priestfic chapter.)
Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
No. The wall damaged my hand more than I managed to damage ~it lol.
Where were you earlier tonight?
Um... It's 1pm? I was in class earlier. Or as I occasionally call it in my head - 'Fic planning tiem' :P
Who did you copy this from?
zeronobody
When was the last time you saw them?
On my f-list.
How do you know them?
LJ :)
Do you wear glasses?
Nope, only a matter of time though, I reckon.
What is something you have trouble doing?
Right now, eating/sleeping.
Anywhere you'd rather be right now?
Home.
Who are you talking to?
Sarah.
Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
Idk tbh. Maaaaaaaaaybe Peru. Maybe nowhere. Maybe somewhere my exciting new career I have very little idea about yet will take me.
Do you have plans for this weekend?
Catching up on sleep if possible. Research and writing. Teh boring, it consumes me.
Are you waiting for anyone to call right now?
No.
Will you call them if they don't call?
No one to call...
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Store called New Look. It has robots on it (as do a fair few of my shirts...)
When was the last time you were told you were amazing?
Probably in a fic comment. Makes me squee every time :)
Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
Not right now, no.
Do you still talk to the person you last dated?
Not often. Rarely, in fact.
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a B?
Yes. I think the last one started with a 'B' (druuuuunk lol)
When it comes to the opposite sex, what's your "type"?
Um... usually dark haired/lean. Sucker for eyeliner on guys lol (and girls, but w/e). And... idk, really. Someone I click with I guess, so Idk if there's a type for that.
How long does it take you to shower?
Usually about ten minutes-ish. Sometimes longer depending how nice the shower is or whether I'm thinking about stuff in there.
What is for dinner tonight?
I don't know. Maybe nothing. Maybe fish.
Does your ex miss you?
I doubt it tbh.
Does anyone love you?
Yes, though anyone relationship-y. No one viable at least...
How has the week been?
Pretty good actually.
Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Not right now. I has drifted enough lol.
Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an R?
Um... maybe? I don't think so.
Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
Yeah, it was in a club, so probably, anyway.
When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
I try to go after them but after a few times/a little while let them go.
Have you ever fell asleep in someones arms?
Yes.
Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?
Nope.
Does anyone hate you?
Maybe. It's possible anyway.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Pretty much everyone, yeah.
Do you dance in the car?
Sometimes. Especially if on a road trip with my brother lol.
Do you walk around naked?
At home alone, sometimes.
Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
Um... a few times.
Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
Not many people know enough about me to think bad things. But some people, yeah.
Would you ever get a tattoo?
Yes. I say probably, anyway. Can't say for sure until you've actually got one.
Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
No, and I wouldn't want them to tbh.
Do you think too much, or too little?
Too much, definitely. Like whoa lol.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
Yes. Probably gave too much.
Do you find it romantic when a guy/girl whispers in your ear?
Yes, very much actually.
Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
Yep...
Do you like to know the truth, no matter what?
Yes. I'd rather know where I, or the situation, stands.
What is one of your top five pet peeves?
Lies. It means I can't trust people at all.
What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
Oh God, 'Mamma Mia'. It was the only thing suitable for our church's visitors from South Africa. It was pretty entertaining, I guess.
Do people underestimate you?
Probably.
What do you look forward to in the next month?
Some fic stuff tbh. Going home again. Nothing big.
How will you spend next Valentine's Day?
Probably thinking about how pointless it is and finding it funny how much people spend on it... cynic lol
What are you thinking about right now?
My latest emo issues :/
When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
Probably Stewart last Sunday.
What was the worst day of your life?
I can't pick one, really. But the one which pops into my head is when I got to my lowest point... maybe ever, a couple of weeks before this last Christmas.
Where were you at 11:45am today?
In class.
Do you fall for people easily?
No. Well, the last one was fairly effortless tbh, but I wouldn't say so normally.
What is the last non-alcoholic and alcoholic beverage you had?
Non: Water.
Alcoholic: Beer.
What's the best way to say 'I love you'?
Aside from the words? Trust and acceptance.
What is your current annoyance?
Slow walking people when I'm running late already. Myself.
Are you afraid of roller coasters?
Not at all. I was desensitised from a young age lol.
Do you get distracted easily?
Depends how much lies on the thing which I'm being distracted from, and how much I actually want to be doing that thing lol. Oh, and who's doing the distracting.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Got off lol /tmi
Is this year the best year of your life?
Pretty much, actually. :)
Name a quote from the song you're listening to:
Now the song is 'Pour Yourself a Drink' by TAI. The only thing worse for you than you is me.
Does your temper flare a lot?
Only at myself (and others I feel comfortable enough with i.e. my brother/Stew/David if I'm v tired or hungry or upset).
Do you get emotional easily?
Yeah, usually.
Do you like to cuddle?
Yes, muchly. When I'm comfortable enough with the person, anyway.
How often do you take pain medicine?
Few times a month, sometimes more often if I'm sick or whatever.
Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes, though I don't like that too much.
Do you believe you could spend your life with just one person?
I'd like to think so. I did think so. So idk lol.
Do you like romance?
In moderation.
What were the last words you said to your dad?
See you tomorrow.
Live forever, or die young?
Neither. Live while you can with all you've got.
Are you easily scared by horror movies?
Yes, totally. I have to hide behind cushions lol.
Have you ever been in a difficult relationship?
Yes. Just the one.
Do you believe that exes can ever really be just friends?
Not really...
Have you ever confused love with lust?
Haha yes, in my teen years. *nostalgia*
What was the last thing that made you mad?
Probably myself... otherwise, I think maybe something like missing the bus.
What did you last hear?
'Help Me Sleep' - Midtown is playing on my itunes.
Who are your last 3 missed calls from?
Ma work, Phil, Sarah.
Do you think that your number one problem right now will work itself out?
If I let it.
What was the last fast food you ate?
McDonald's last week.
What are you drinking right now?
Tea :)
If you could be with someone right now, would you?
Yeah, I think so. Would be nice. Someone in particular ;)
Do you ever eat breakfast?
Not often, no.
Do you know what real love feels like?
Yeah.
Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
No.
Do you have siblings over the age of 21?
Yep, he's 23.
What is your favorite season?
Idk. I moan about the cold, but I love Christmas and snow, so Winter'd be a good bet.
What is your favorite color shirt to wear?
Black, or anything dark with a colourful design.
What are you looking forward to in the next 5 days?
uhhhhh... I don't know. Having time to write? lol
Do you like your life?
Right now, kinda. Comparatively, I do.
Would you change yourself?
Yes. God, yes. lol
What shoes did you wear today?
Black books (with the awesome buckles and shit)
Are you a loud person?
Not often, no.
Would you rather trade lives with a famous person?
Nope. Well, maybe Gabe to get to be with Bilvy ;)
Are you ready to get out of this town?
Yes... but I want to stay where I've found forever.
When was the last time you went shopping?
A few days ago.
Are you wearing any jewelry?
My plastic rainbow ring on my thumb, my silver ring on my middle finger and a few bracelets, a thin leather cuff and a black hairband. All on the right side though idk why.
Are you scared of bugs?
Not usually. I don't like big ass spiders though :/
Do you read?
Yes, but not nearly as much now I write fic, which is a bit of a shame.
Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
There's one (a Simba) on my bed.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Hopefully sleeping/writing :)
Are you wearing underwear right now?
Yes I am.
What are you doing right now?
Uh, this. Listening to music.
Is there anyone that you wish was out of your life?
Not at the moment. Well, mother, but that's not happening.
How old do you want to be when you have kids?
Late twenties? Idk lol.
Last time you ate cereal?
A few days ago (straight out the packet lol)
Did you kiss anyone today?
No.
When's the last time you fell or ran into something?
Oh God, I'm always doing it. I walked into someone today. I fell up the stairs (yes, UP) yesterday.
Are you a fast typer?
Pretty fast I think.
Have you ever moved?
Quite a few times.
Are you listening to music right now?
Yes. 'One Day, Robots Will Cry' by Cobra Starship.
What makes you mad?
My mother. My past. lol those two are related :P aaaaand... wow, lots of stuff. Myself, prejudice, slow walking people, arrogance, late buses... the list goes on.
Have you ever had a surprise birthday party?
No. I had a surprise cake once tho :D
How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
None because I am British. I don't have any 20 pound notes either though. I do have a ten.
Would you rather sleep at a friend's or have them over?
Sleep at a friend's. Though nowadays maybe have them over. My music's better :P
Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
In real life, quite often. I do it all the time in ma LJ.
Do you get along with guys or girls better?
Guys I think.
Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
Maybe. Maybe not a good one...
Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
No.
Can you cook harder things than spaghetti, pancakes, and macaroni?
Yes, I'm pretty good at cooking actually.
Do you tend to think with your heart or logically?
Depends on the situation.
Anything annoying you right now?
Nothing terribly specific
When did you last cry?
Two days ago. In the shower 'cause I'm hardcore like that :P
Does anyone call you babe?
My ex used to. Probably still would if we talked.
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes, I am excellent at it when I want to be.
Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Yes, when I was drunk. Oh, and again once when sober. It was better than I thought it'd be.
Have you ever been on a horse?
Ha, when I was like, six.
Do you give out second chances too easily?
Not that easily.
What was the first thing you thought when you got up?
Need moar sleep nao, or words to that effect. Oh, and 'Ooh, who's commented on Hallelujah while I was sleeping?' lol
And I had that class today on consequences of child maltreatment and stuff. The guy kept going on and on about how we had to try and see things from the child's perspective, and in my head I'm like 'lol that's gonna be difficult' /sarcasm. It was definitely easier than the first class, just 'cause it didn't catch me off guard or anything. Like I said last time, it's almost comforting, in a way, to know that it at least makes sense. Especially like, the why. I mean, she always told me how her life would have been so much better if I wasn't born, because when she got pregnant she couldn't leave my dad (yes, my brother came first. Idk how that works either). And that's maybe why. Partly, at least. Sometimes the child becomes the focus of everything negative in the abuser's life.
Oh, and how come I've been doing so much better since living with ma 'adoptive family'. I'm changing my internal working model, don't you know? lol at least I'm interested in this stuff.
And this... sometimes I'm pretty sure I go looking for shit and deserve every bit I bring down on myself. The thing is, I don't even know. Literally. This is basically me talking things through with myself, so I'm cutting it 'cause rambling's kinda likely. Plus I think I should warn for talking about eating disorders, just in case. And also, this got really fucking long just as I predicted. A lot of rhetorical questions and wtf-ing.
Okay, so here's the thing. I've been having two main issues lately. Sleeping and eating. Most of everything else has been cool, even my anxiety's been not so... anxious, I guess lol. I've been doing good this week, but you know what I haven't really been doing? Eating a whole lot. Or much at all.
This in itself is not a huge problem, or at least I didn't let myself worry about it for a few days. But when it gets to the point where I have to think really hard about the time I last ate anything and it was an apple, yesterday, I let myself start to consider the possibility of shit going on.
It's definitely not good for me. My stomach's all twisted and hurt-y and I'm pretty sure it's just going wtf? Feed me, you fool, but whatever. Then add in the lack of decent sleep and it's no wonder I've been feeling like crap, physically. Of course you're gonna feel weak if you don't have any food giving you energy. I know this.
I also know the easy solution to this: Eat. I figured this out yesterday but then I decided to crash instead of cook, and today... I don't know what happened today. I'd love to be able to say I was too busy and in class too much to find time to eat. And yeah, I was pretty busy today, but not that busy. That's just an excuse, even I can see that. What I don't know is why.
Honestly, I don't. I don't even fucking know. Like... I've been thinking about it a lot today and I can't figure it out. Things are good... but, is this why? Is this why I've been okay this week? I fucking hate that I don't even know the answer to that.
I had a problem with not eating before, when I was fifteen/sixteen, and lost a lot of weight, enough for people to notice anyway, people who didn't even notice all the cuts on me or anything. And then sometime last year, maybe the year before too, I don't remember, I went through a period of making myself sick after meals. I was smart enough to stop that one pretty soon, though, 'cause I could see myself falling into that so hard.
Difficult to know why, though. Consciously I've never had a problem with my weight, so I'm not inclined to think it's about that, per se. Knowing me, it could be a control thing. Like, I can't even control my thoughts sometimes, and not my feelings, mental images, that kind of stuff... so maybe I grab onto one thing I can control and just do that. Idk, maybe it's about the goal thing. One day... two... three. Is it like some kind of fucking acheivement? Well done, you've made yourself ill... how fucked up.
Then, of course, there's the more obvious option: It hurts. Not eating hurts, as does making yourself throw up on a regular basis. I mean... maybe, in some weird not even conscious way, this is self harm. I haven't done that in ages. At least, I can't remember the last time so it must be a while. I know the last bad one was sometime in June... which is ages, really. And I haven't let myself deal with my recent issues that way, which has been a pretty big leap in self control to be honest.
Except... what if it isn't? 'Cause here I am, surviving on too little sleep and barely any food, accompanied by as much alcohol as I deem 'safe' for myself but not during the day (and oh, how I love that that needs specifying with me). And... yeah. As much as I feel pretty good about shit right now, that I'm coping and everything, I really don't know if I am. It's pretty simple, right? You're hungry, there's food, you eat. Now I've thought about it the whole thing seems fairly obvious and I wish it didn't.
Why the fuck do I have to push the self destruct button every single fucking time? Can I just not cope with being fucking normal? It's like I'm not happy unless I'm hurting, and fuck knows I'm not even then.
Just. What. I don't even know. That's partly what upsets me about this, because I know I can break bad cycles; I've had enough fucking practice at it, but I am just so... tired. I'm tired of thinking I'm fine and then realising that I'm actually not. I'm either okay because being in pain makes me happy/feel like things are how they should be, which even I know is fucked, or I'm just too drained to freak out about shit and think and feel all the crazy stuff which invades my consciousness on a regular basis. I don't exactly love either option, and nothing about this is what you'd call healthy.
God, I need a suitcase or something to carry all of my issues around with me lol. But this was good. I can't deal with shit until I know it's there and needs dealing with, so at least that has come out of this emo ranting etc. Always feels good to confess, anyway. Everyone needs somewhere to dump their shit, and this is my little corner of the internet where I can say anything and don't have to worry about getting judged for all my flaws.
*sigh* Start again, I guess. Tomorrow I'm gonna eat at least lunch and dinner and anything in between that catches my interest, just to prove that I can. I'm also gonna write porn if I get inspired that way. I've had the most delicious natewich image in my head forever now, and it's just begging to be written. No, wait... that's William begging ;)
You wouldn't think so, but a lot of things made me smile today, even just randomly, but those aren't the things I need to sort out in my head, and I don't need to confess about feeling happy. Sometimes I wonder what people must think of me with all the shit I talk in here.
Can you take this without deleting any questions?
Yeah. No reason not to lol.
What's going on between you and the last person you kissed?
Absolutely nothing.
What was your worst mistake in your life?
Oh shit, which one? Uhhhh... I really don't know. Not leaving my biological home sooner.
What's something you really want right now? Be honest:
To get wasted and pass out. lol it's 1pm.
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
The good kind? Last weekend when I was excited to go home and see people. The bad kind? This morning when I had to go outside and shit lol
Does anything on your body hurt right now?
My stomach. I need to eat something.
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Um... what I call 'deep' was probably lolab or saykendrawithme
What are you listening to right now?
'You Are the Moon' by The Hush Sound who I finally got into a few days ago.
What’s a quote from a song that you are listening to?
'But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light'
(had that on repeat recently after writing the latest priestfic chapter.)
Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
No. The wall damaged my hand more than I managed to damage ~it lol.
Where were you earlier tonight?
Um... It's 1pm? I was in class earlier. Or as I occasionally call it in my head - 'Fic planning tiem' :P
Who did you copy this from?
zeronobody
When was the last time you saw them?
On my f-list.
How do you know them?
LJ :)
Do you wear glasses?
Nope, only a matter of time though, I reckon.
What is something you have trouble doing?
Right now, eating/sleeping.
Anywhere you'd rather be right now?
Home.
Who are you talking to?
Sarah.
Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
Idk tbh. Maaaaaaaaaybe Peru. Maybe nowhere. Maybe somewhere my exciting new career I have very little idea about yet will take me.
Do you have plans for this weekend?
Catching up on sleep if possible. Research and writing. Teh boring, it consumes me.
Are you waiting for anyone to call right now?
No.
Will you call them if they don't call?
No one to call...
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Store called New Look. It has robots on it (as do a fair few of my shirts...)
When was the last time you were told you were amazing?
Probably in a fic comment. Makes me squee every time :)
Do you know anyone that smokes weed?
Not right now, no.
Do you still talk to the person you last dated?
Not often. Rarely, in fact.
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a B?
Yes. I think the last one started with a 'B' (druuuuunk lol)
When it comes to the opposite sex, what's your "type"?
Um... usually dark haired/lean. Sucker for eyeliner on guys lol (and girls, but w/e). And... idk, really. Someone I click with I guess, so Idk if there's a type for that.
How long does it take you to shower?
Usually about ten minutes-ish. Sometimes longer depending how nice the shower is or whether I'm thinking about stuff in there.
What is for dinner tonight?
I don't know. Maybe nothing. Maybe fish.
Does your ex miss you?
I doubt it tbh.
Does anyone love you?
Yes, though anyone relationship-y. No one viable at least...
How has the week been?
Pretty good actually.
Are you slowly drifting away from someone?
Not right now. I has drifted enough lol.
Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an R?
Um... maybe? I don't think so.
Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
Yeah, it was in a club, so probably, anyway.
When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
I try to go after them but after a few times/a little while let them go.
Have you ever fell asleep in someones arms?
Yes.
Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?
Nope.
Does anyone hate you?
Maybe. It's possible anyway.
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Pretty much everyone, yeah.
Do you dance in the car?
Sometimes. Especially if on a road trip with my brother lol.
Do you walk around naked?
At home alone, sometimes.
Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
Um... a few times.
Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
Not many people know enough about me to think bad things. But some people, yeah.
Would you ever get a tattoo?
Yes. I say probably, anyway. Can't say for sure until you've actually got one.
Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
No, and I wouldn't want them to tbh.
Do you think too much, or too little?
Too much, definitely. Like whoa lol.
Ever given your all to someone who walked away?
Yes. Probably gave too much.
Do you find it romantic when a guy/girl whispers in your ear?
Yes, very much actually.
Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
Yep...
Do you like to know the truth, no matter what?
Yes. I'd rather know where I, or the situation, stands.
What is one of your top five pet peeves?
Lies. It means I can't trust people at all.
What was the last movie you saw in theaters?
Oh God, 'Mamma Mia'. It was the only thing suitable for our church's visitors from South Africa. It was pretty entertaining, I guess.
Do people underestimate you?
Probably.
What do you look forward to in the next month?
Some fic stuff tbh. Going home again. Nothing big.
How will you spend next Valentine's Day?
Probably thinking about how pointless it is and finding it funny how much people spend on it... cynic lol
What are you thinking about right now?
My latest emo issues :/
When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
Probably Stewart last Sunday.
What was the worst day of your life?
I can't pick one, really. But the one which pops into my head is when I got to my lowest point... maybe ever, a couple of weeks before this last Christmas.
Where were you at 11:45am today?
In class.
Do you fall for people easily?
No. Well, the last one was fairly effortless tbh, but I wouldn't say so normally.
What is the last non-alcoholic and alcoholic beverage you had?
Non: Water.
Alcoholic: Beer.
What's the best way to say 'I love you'?
Aside from the words? Trust and acceptance.
What is your current annoyance?
Slow walking people when I'm running late already. Myself.
Are you afraid of roller coasters?
Not at all. I was desensitised from a young age lol.
Do you get distracted easily?
Depends how much lies on the thing which I'm being distracted from, and how much I actually want to be doing that thing lol. Oh, and who's doing the distracting.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Got off lol /tmi
Is this year the best year of your life?
Pretty much, actually. :)
Name a quote from the song you're listening to:
Now the song is 'Pour Yourself a Drink' by TAI. The only thing worse for you than you is me.
Does your temper flare a lot?
Only at myself (and others I feel comfortable enough with i.e. my brother/Stew/David if I'm v tired or hungry or upset).
Do you get emotional easily?
Yeah, usually.
Do you like to cuddle?
Yes, muchly. When I'm comfortable enough with the person, anyway.
How often do you take pain medicine?
Few times a month, sometimes more often if I'm sick or whatever.
Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes, though I don't like that too much.
Do you believe you could spend your life with just one person?
I'd like to think so. I did think so. So idk lol.
Do you like romance?
In moderation.
What were the last words you said to your dad?
See you tomorrow.
Live forever, or die young?
Neither. Live while you can with all you've got.
Are you easily scared by horror movies?
Yes, totally. I have to hide behind cushions lol.
Have you ever been in a difficult relationship?
Yes. Just the one.
Do you believe that exes can ever really be just friends?
Not really...
Have you ever confused love with lust?
Haha yes, in my teen years. *nostalgia*
What was the last thing that made you mad?
Probably myself... otherwise, I think maybe something like missing the bus.
What did you last hear?
'Help Me Sleep' - Midtown is playing on my itunes.
Who are your last 3 missed calls from?
Ma work, Phil, Sarah.
Do you think that your number one problem right now will work itself out?
If I let it.
What was the last fast food you ate?
McDonald's last week.
What are you drinking right now?
Tea :)
If you could be with someone right now, would you?
Yeah, I think so. Would be nice. Someone in particular ;)
Do you ever eat breakfast?
Not often, no.
Do you know what real love feels like?
Yeah.
Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
No.
Do you have siblings over the age of 21?
Yep, he's 23.
What is your favorite season?
Idk. I moan about the cold, but I love Christmas and snow, so Winter'd be a good bet.
What is your favorite color shirt to wear?
Black, or anything dark with a colourful design.
What are you looking forward to in the next 5 days?
uhhhhh... I don't know. Having time to write? lol
Do you like your life?
Right now, kinda. Comparatively, I do.
Would you change yourself?
Yes. God, yes. lol
What shoes did you wear today?
Black books (with the awesome buckles and shit)
Are you a loud person?
Not often, no.
Would you rather trade lives with a famous person?
Nope. Well, maybe Gabe to get to be with Bilvy ;)
Are you ready to get out of this town?
Yes... but I want to stay where I've found forever.
When was the last time you went shopping?
A few days ago.
Are you wearing any jewelry?
My plastic rainbow ring on my thumb, my silver ring on my middle finger and a few bracelets, a thin leather cuff and a black hairband. All on the right side though idk why.
Are you scared of bugs?
Not usually. I don't like big ass spiders though :/
Do you read?
Yes, but not nearly as much now I write fic, which is a bit of a shame.
Do you sleep with a teddy bear?
There's one (a Simba) on my bed.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Hopefully sleeping/writing :)
Are you wearing underwear right now?
Yes I am.
What are you doing right now?
Uh, this. Listening to music.
Is there anyone that you wish was out of your life?
Not at the moment. Well, mother, but that's not happening.
How old do you want to be when you have kids?
Late twenties? Idk lol.
Last time you ate cereal?
A few days ago (straight out the packet lol)
Did you kiss anyone today?
No.
When's the last time you fell or ran into something?
Oh God, I'm always doing it. I walked into someone today. I fell up the stairs (yes, UP) yesterday.
Are you a fast typer?
Pretty fast I think.
Have you ever moved?
Quite a few times.
Are you listening to music right now?
Yes. 'One Day, Robots Will Cry' by Cobra Starship.
What makes you mad?
My mother. My past. lol those two are related :P aaaaand... wow, lots of stuff. Myself, prejudice, slow walking people, arrogance, late buses... the list goes on.
Have you ever had a surprise birthday party?
No. I had a surprise cake once tho :D
How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
None because I am British. I don't have any 20 pound notes either though. I do have a ten.
Would you rather sleep at a friend's or have them over?
Sleep at a friend's. Though nowadays maybe have them over. My music's better :P
Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong?
In real life, quite often. I do it all the time in ma LJ.
Do you get along with guys or girls better?
Guys I think.
Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
Maybe. Maybe not a good one...
Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex?
No.
Can you cook harder things than spaghetti, pancakes, and macaroni?
Yes, I'm pretty good at cooking actually.
Do you tend to think with your heart or logically?
Depends on the situation.
Anything annoying you right now?
Nothing terribly specific
When did you last cry?
Two days ago. In the shower 'cause I'm hardcore like that :P
Does anyone call you babe?
My ex used to. Probably still would if we talked.
Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes, I am excellent at it when I want to be.
Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Yes, when I was drunk. Oh, and again once when sober. It was better than I thought it'd be.
Have you ever been on a horse?
Ha, when I was like, six.
Do you give out second chances too easily?
Not that easily.
What was the first thing you thought when you got up?
Need moar sleep nao, or words to that effect. Oh, and 'Ooh, who's commented on Hallelujah while I was sleeping?' lol
And I had that class today on consequences of child maltreatment and stuff. The guy kept going on and on about how we had to try and see things from the child's perspective, and in my head I'm like 'lol that's gonna be difficult' /sarcasm. It was definitely easier than the first class, just 'cause it didn't catch me off guard or anything. Like I said last time, it's almost comforting, in a way, to know that it at least makes sense. Especially like, the why. I mean, she always told me how her life would have been so much better if I wasn't born, because when she got pregnant she couldn't leave my dad (yes, my brother came first. Idk how that works either). And that's maybe why. Partly, at least. Sometimes the child becomes the focus of everything negative in the abuser's life.
Oh, and how come I've been doing so much better since living with ma 'adoptive family'. I'm changing my internal working model, don't you know? lol at least I'm interested in this stuff.
And this... sometimes I'm pretty sure I go looking for shit and deserve every bit I bring down on myself. The thing is, I don't even know. Literally. This is basically me talking things through with myself, so I'm cutting it 'cause rambling's kinda likely. Plus I think I should warn for talking about eating disorders, just in case. And also, this got really fucking long just as I predicted. A lot of rhetorical questions and wtf-ing.
Okay, so here's the thing. I've been having two main issues lately. Sleeping and eating. Most of everything else has been cool, even my anxiety's been not so... anxious, I guess lol. I've been doing good this week, but you know what I haven't really been doing? Eating a whole lot. Or much at all.
This in itself is not a huge problem, or at least I didn't let myself worry about it for a few days. But when it gets to the point where I have to think really hard about the time I last ate anything and it was an apple, yesterday, I let myself start to consider the possibility of shit going on.
It's definitely not good for me. My stomach's all twisted and hurt-y and I'm pretty sure it's just going wtf? Feed me, you fool, but whatever. Then add in the lack of decent sleep and it's no wonder I've been feeling like crap, physically. Of course you're gonna feel weak if you don't have any food giving you energy. I know this.
I also know the easy solution to this: Eat. I figured this out yesterday but then I decided to crash instead of cook, and today... I don't know what happened today. I'd love to be able to say I was too busy and in class too much to find time to eat. And yeah, I was pretty busy today, but not that busy. That's just an excuse, even I can see that. What I don't know is why.
Honestly, I don't. I don't even fucking know. Like... I've been thinking about it a lot today and I can't figure it out. Things are good... but, is this why? Is this why I've been okay this week? I fucking hate that I don't even know the answer to that.
I had a problem with not eating before, when I was fifteen/sixteen, and lost a lot of weight, enough for people to notice anyway, people who didn't even notice all the cuts on me or anything. And then sometime last year, maybe the year before too, I don't remember, I went through a period of making myself sick after meals. I was smart enough to stop that one pretty soon, though, 'cause I could see myself falling into that so hard.
Difficult to know why, though. Consciously I've never had a problem with my weight, so I'm not inclined to think it's about that, per se. Knowing me, it could be a control thing. Like, I can't even control my thoughts sometimes, and not my feelings, mental images, that kind of stuff... so maybe I grab onto one thing I can control and just do that. Idk, maybe it's about the goal thing. One day... two... three. Is it like some kind of fucking acheivement? Well done, you've made yourself ill... how fucked up.
Then, of course, there's the more obvious option: It hurts. Not eating hurts, as does making yourself throw up on a regular basis. I mean... maybe, in some weird not even conscious way, this is self harm. I haven't done that in ages. At least, I can't remember the last time so it must be a while. I know the last bad one was sometime in June... which is ages, really. And I haven't let myself deal with my recent issues that way, which has been a pretty big leap in self control to be honest.
Except... what if it isn't? 'Cause here I am, surviving on too little sleep and barely any food, accompanied by as much alcohol as I deem 'safe' for myself but not during the day (and oh, how I love that that needs specifying with me). And... yeah. As much as I feel pretty good about shit right now, that I'm coping and everything, I really don't know if I am. It's pretty simple, right? You're hungry, there's food, you eat. Now I've thought about it the whole thing seems fairly obvious and I wish it didn't.
Why the fuck do I have to push the self destruct button every single fucking time? Can I just not cope with being fucking normal? It's like I'm not happy unless I'm hurting, and fuck knows I'm not even then.
Just. What. I don't even know. That's partly what upsets me about this, because I know I can break bad cycles; I've had enough fucking practice at it, but I am just so... tired. I'm tired of thinking I'm fine and then realising that I'm actually not. I'm either okay because being in pain makes me happy/feel like things are how they should be, which even I know is fucked, or I'm just too drained to freak out about shit and think and feel all the crazy stuff which invades my consciousness on a regular basis. I don't exactly love either option, and nothing about this is what you'd call healthy.
God, I need a suitcase or something to carry all of my issues around with me lol. But this was good. I can't deal with shit until I know it's there and needs dealing with, so at least that has come out of this emo ranting etc. Always feels good to confess, anyway. Everyone needs somewhere to dump their shit, and this is my little corner of the internet where I can say anything and don't have to worry about getting judged for all my flaws.
*sigh* Start again, I guess. Tomorrow I'm gonna eat at least lunch and dinner and anything in between that catches my interest, just to prove that I can. I'm also gonna write porn if I get inspired that way. I've had the most delicious natewich image in my head forever now, and it's just begging to be written. No, wait... that's William begging ;)
You wouldn't think so, but a lot of things made me smile today, even just randomly, but those aren't the things I need to sort out in my head, and I don't need to confess about feeling happy. Sometimes I wonder what people must think of me with all the shit I talk in here.