A world of Meh (beginning in caps for Emphasis Where Appropriate)
Okay, here is how I going to Cope With Today.
Today, btw, includes dealing with residual crazy from last night and Calming Down, and joining a Society which I'm not too enthused about but David really wants me to, so giving it a go. Unfortunately, said fair where one can join said society takes place in the evening, in the Students Union, which means many people in the midst of which I will Stand Out (not in the least because I have my fucking backpack with me because I didn't know it was in the evening). Or in the very least I will ~feel like I stand out.
The plan is to get in and get out, basically. Wander round for about an hour, maybe have a drink or something. It's not like I don't do this. I've been out many many times clubbing/drinking/whatever, but I don't do it at uni. Well, a couple of times. I just don't really care about it, and don't see why I should do it if I don't. But then the thing is I feel so different to everyone else and even though I KNOW it doesn't matter to not do something because I don't want to do it, rather than I can't do it, it still makes me feel really shitty about myself.
So. Here's what I am Going To Do. I am just going to Do It and Not Care. That's my plan. I am forcing myself into a 'so what if such and such happens?' kind of thinking and 'fuck anyone if they want to look at me a certain way, I pwn them so hard anyway'. Because I do. I've overcome things that most of them probably can't even imagine thinking/feeling.
Failing that I am going to pretend to myself that I am Someone Else. Someone who really doesn't give a shit, someone who for doing that kind of thing is like, nothing. Hey, they even enjoy this shit.
I don't know why I don't. I don't know why the idea of just... people freak me out so damn much. And it's not just people, it's specifically these people. Most other situations I'm okay, but stick with a bunch of uni people who I should really have much in common with blahblahblah and I'm just... Fucked. And fucked up.
I mean, maybe it's just the way I'm seeing it, like it's been programmed into me what I should want, how I should feel, so deviating from the norm makes me feel even more fucked than I actually am, because hey, why aren't I like everyone else? Why don't I want the same things and act the same way? Must be something wrong with me, right? As if I didn't think that already.
I was just doing so well over the summer that I almost forgot how things could be sometimes. Or maybe I actually thought I changed which is just amazingly stupid. Idk, I mean I'm okay and all, but not ~as okay as I was. Which sucks a little, but that's life I guess.
I just hope later is okay, like nothing shitty happens, because if it does I'm pretty sure I'm gonna implode when I get back home and not even care. Like, yesterday I cared enough to try and defuse but later I might just say 'fuck it'.
Maybe I'll leave the backpack at Sarah's and then just leave after an appropriate amount of time of teh being social because people know I need to get the bus and shit, they're used to it, so it shouldn't be a big deal.
Just. Fuck. I don't even get it. This shit is just crippling me so bad sometimes I'm not even sure why I bother. It was so much easier when I didn't feel anything at all.
Oh well. Just keep telling myself that everything will Be Okay. Who knows? It might even be.
Catch you on the flipside.
Today, btw, includes dealing with residual crazy from last night and Calming Down, and joining a Society which I'm not too enthused about but David really wants me to, so giving it a go. Unfortunately, said fair where one can join said society takes place in the evening, in the Students Union, which means many people in the midst of which I will Stand Out (not in the least because I have my fucking backpack with me because I didn't know it was in the evening). Or in the very least I will ~feel like I stand out.
The plan is to get in and get out, basically. Wander round for about an hour, maybe have a drink or something. It's not like I don't do this. I've been out many many times clubbing/drinking/whatever, but I don't do it at uni. Well, a couple of times. I just don't really care about it, and don't see why I should do it if I don't. But then the thing is I feel so different to everyone else and even though I KNOW it doesn't matter to not do something because I don't want to do it, rather than I can't do it, it still makes me feel really shitty about myself.
So. Here's what I am Going To Do. I am just going to Do It and Not Care. That's my plan. I am forcing myself into a 'so what if such and such happens?' kind of thinking and 'fuck anyone if they want to look at me a certain way, I pwn them so hard anyway'. Because I do. I've overcome things that most of them probably can't even imagine thinking/feeling.
Failing that I am going to pretend to myself that I am Someone Else. Someone who really doesn't give a shit, someone who for doing that kind of thing is like, nothing. Hey, they even enjoy this shit.
I don't know why I don't. I don't know why the idea of just... people freak me out so damn much. And it's not just people, it's specifically these people. Most other situations I'm okay, but stick with a bunch of uni people who I should really have much in common with blahblahblah and I'm just... Fucked. And fucked up.
I mean, maybe it's just the way I'm seeing it, like it's been programmed into me what I should want, how I should feel, so deviating from the norm makes me feel even more fucked than I actually am, because hey, why aren't I like everyone else? Why don't I want the same things and act the same way? Must be something wrong with me, right? As if I didn't think that already.
I was just doing so well over the summer that I almost forgot how things could be sometimes. Or maybe I actually thought I changed which is just amazingly stupid. Idk, I mean I'm okay and all, but not ~as okay as I was. Which sucks a little, but that's life I guess.
I just hope later is okay, like nothing shitty happens, because if it does I'm pretty sure I'm gonna implode when I get back home and not even care. Like, yesterday I cared enough to try and defuse but later I might just say 'fuck it'.
Maybe I'll leave the backpack at Sarah's and then just leave after an appropriate amount of time of teh being social because people know I need to get the bus and shit, they're used to it, so it shouldn't be a big deal.
Just. Fuck. I don't even get it. This shit is just crippling me so bad sometimes I'm not even sure why I bother. It was so much easier when I didn't feel anything at all.
Oh well. Just keep telling myself that everything will Be Okay. Who knows? It might even be.
Catch you on the flipside.