Oct 25, 2006 10:12
Well, I've been on the verge of going postal for almost 24 hours... work was stressful and then I had to go through the ordeal of putting my bins out to get emptied. Also the ordeal of grocery shopping. All of this is massively time consuming and painful due to my back injury. Then I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned - also mucho painful and time consuming due to having to rest my back every five minutes or so. I had to get ready for the cleaner who was coming this morning at 8.30am. All the while getting massively anxious.
I finally got to bed at about 4.30am last night... maybe got two hours sleep... I waited for the cleaner and he didn't turn up. I called him and apparently he got mixed up - he's coming on Friday now. Brilliant. Now I have to get up early AGAIN. GODDAMN IT!
I cannot really explain how anxious the idea of someone coming in to clean my place makes me. People who have known me for a while might understand a little. I was in a bad place - literally and metaphorically for a very long time. No-one was allowed to enter my home because it was such a trash heap.
Since I moved to this wonderful new villa, things are different. I can have people over! Which makes me anxious - there was a certain comfort in knowing it was something I never had to worry about before. Also my old demons and old habits lie in wait all the time. I stress severely even though things are SO much better than they were before. I know I'm not in the same mess but it's hard to disconnect from the fear of being judged. From the idea that my environment is a reflection of my state of mind - and believe me, my old place indicated things about how I was doing that I really didn't think anyone else could cope with knowing.
My new place also reflects where I'm at... at the moment it's pretty tidy (especially after all the work I did last night) but the floors are dirty and stuff cos my back is screwed. And I haven't exactly unpacked. Which is partly why it's so tidy - cos most of my belongings are in the garage in boxes. I suppose in some ways that's a reflection of how I'm takings slowly and getting settled in my new life. But also how I'm still struggling with feeling that I'm worth the effort.
Also on the subject of things that make me anxious - I finally made a physio appointment... yet another step along the way to getting my back fixed up. *proud of me*
And who knows... once that's fixed maybe I'll be able to take up tap again. Woo!