Facebook Fun: Breaking News
Tweety Workman Thompson: Best/worst TV news talking points.
Taz Bryan: Do condoms cause cancer? more at 11
Sylvester Thompson: Priest forced to rape young boy after playing violent video games.
TWT: Herp derp derp derp!
TWT: Obesity epidemic caused by masturbation and kittens. Sugary pop and twinkies are ok.
TB: Republican senator forced to have sex with male prostitute after playing violent Video game.
TWT: Listening to heavy metal linked to lead and cadmium poisoning. >.>
ST: Republican senator forced to have sex with male prostitute WHILE playing violent video game.
TB: Video game became violent after play with teen
TWT: Republican senator forced to resign after it was discovered he'd never had extra-marital sex or ever played violent video games.
TWT: Taxpayers forced to pay for clowns' rubber noses.
ST: Anal. What it is and how to stop it.
TWT: Anal. What it is and why you're still a virgin if you take it up the pooper.
TWT: Local Minnesota man, Ian Bannerman, inducted into Guinness Book of World Records for most fetishes.
Stewie Edstrom: Fisting: How to avoid tennis elbow...
Maggie El-Fakahany: Feminists: When PMS becomes deadly.
TB: Altar boy molests priest, Vatican to sue. More at 11
SE: Anal: Why you still can't sit down after three days...
TWT: Birth control pills linked to women getting out of the kitchen, this and more at 9.
TWT: The Pope to issue statement after gay man from New York called his dress "so last season."
TWT: The Minnesota Vikings beaten to death by actual Vikings.
TB: Christians protesting against zombie more at 11
Now at 11. Christian activist group are protesting Zombies. They are quoted to say “ God hate zombies! They are immoral and unnatural. Where in the bible does it say that someone can die then come back to life?”
SE: Tweety: Thank god! Now I don't need to pay for their god damn stadium that they don't deserve...
TWT: Study shows that vampires do not actually sparkle. Buffy Summers joins us now to explain.
SE: The police raided an industrial warehouse today, only to find it filled with severed penises... The authorities are baffled.
TWT: ^ It was Jimmy Deans
SE: The secret behind their sausage links... They're Asian.
TB: Bro-fisting linked to infertility More at 11
TWT: Banana Republic turns people gay? Find out tonight at 7.
TWT: Studies show that red heads, not blondes, have more fun.
TB: Banana Republic declares independence and becomes The Republic of Banana
TB: Are flesh beards gross? more at 11
TB: Fox news not fair and balanced coverage. More on this on fox news at 9
TB: Is all you need is love?
TWT: Coatracks linked to prostate cancer. This and more at 7.
MEF: This just in: CDC declares fetuses parasites.
TWT: The United Nations has passed a very tightly binding resolution with chains and ropes. Syria is kind of excited. More at 9.
TWT: Finland declares that Sweden has been very naughty and breaks out the whips. Norway and Denmark watch, while the Netherlands gets out the webcam. France pretends to be outraged while Germany serves beer. The UK could not be reached for comment.
TWT: ^ Ian Bannerman is into anthropomorphic countries having sexual relations.
TWT: We have reports in that we have found a skanky alien chick that Captain Kirk will not fuck. Sulu is quoted as saying, "Ohhh myyyyy~"
TB: Local resident raped my zombie. Authorities unsure whether to charge the zombie with rape or forced necrophilia
Dot Fischer: Studies show that the average native English speaker scores significantly lower on verbal tests than first-year ESL students. In a completely unrelated story, funding for education has been reduced across all fifty states.
TWT: ^ (as an aside, I love how my ESL friends always say something like "please excuse any typos/mistakes as English is my second language." Their spelling/grammar is way, way better than your average American. /cry)
TB: Local woman drowns at arbor mist winery. Employees attempted to rescue her from the vat of wine but she fought them off and yelling “This my Arbor Mist fuck off!”
DF: Disney films are being banned in schools, boycotted in stores, and burned around the country for depicting and advocating animal-on-animal love. Spokewoman for Families for Filth-Free Films was quoted saying, "These films are dangerous. Obviously, Disney is using them as a gateway for their bestiality agenda, targeting our children. Who knows how much damage they've already done?"
TWT: The American Association of Families and Small Children and Babies and Patriarchal Males with Woman-slaves in the Kitchen have issued a statement: The idea of women enjoying sex is "icky" and vaginas should be renamed "baby holes." They say if their demands aren't met, they will rally at the local 7-11 and play Toby Keith songs until they get thrown out.
TWT: Tonight, random person with more than two braincells makes casual observation: "If women aren't supposed to have sex except for procreation, but men are expected to have lots of sex...why isn't homosexuality more popular?"
DF: Studies of data collected under the Patriot Act show that people who claim not to consume pornography of some sort are liars.