{fic} day zero
day zero
HSJ, yamajima, G
forever isn't what you think it is.
thomas baudinette if you see this you're a bitch.
"Let's go out," Yuto says, and Yamada thinks he might just be reading too much into those words but because he is still young and selfish he'll agree anyways, and feel like the happiest person in the world for that (too) short amount of time.
"Look at the stars," Yuto tells him over the phone one quiet evening. Yamada, against his best interests, puts down his pencil and stands to look out the window.
"And?" he asks. They look--no different from yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. Or even tomorrow.
"They reminded me of you," Yuto says. "Don't you think so?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Yamada says (a blush spreading across his cheeks).
He goes to work the next morning to find paper stars scattered over his seat.
How cute, he thinks, and smiles to himself. He snaps a photo with his cellphone, and puts them into his pocket, hoping they won't get crushed.
On the way home, he stops into a cutesy shop selling things that look like they'd fit right in his sisters' rooms, and buys a star-shaped glass jar. He sets it on his desk, right next to his pencil holder, and puts that morning's stars in.
"Ah!" his sister says, seeing them. "Did someone give you those today?"
Yamada nods. "A friend did."
"She must really like you," his sister says knowingly, "to have made so many."
"I guess," Yamada says.
He thinks he may be falling in love (even more than he already is).
It's a nice feeling.
--
The distance is nearly tangible. Yamada thinks that it'll pass over time, and for sure they'll go out someday and visit the zoo and feed the pigeons or sit at a cafe for the entire morning and just, just be together. He is sure. So sure, in fact, that when it doesn't happen any time soon he thinks it'll happen soon anyways.
He doesn't really mind the fact that Yuto doesn't have much time for him anymore; he doesn't have much time for Yuto anymore either. It's neither of their faults, because work is tiring and sometimes it's all either of them can do to not fall asleep on the train home.
It's okay when Yuto starts talking to others more; Yamada isn't really a jealous person when it comes to things like that and they're both allowed to have friends. He still feels ridiculously happy when Yuto murmurs something in his ear, fingers brushing near his waist; feels like his heart just might burst when they secretly hold hands while sitting on the couch and answering endless streams of interview questions.
He is happy, so happy, and would be perfectly perfect for the rest of forever if they could only stay like this. Really.
He crosses his fingers whenever Yuto's near.
--
It hits him one day that Yuto--Yuto is getting... well, tired isn't the word. Bored isn't the word either. His vocabulary is, unfortunately, not large enough to describe what he knows Yuto feels. Fed up is really the only thing he can think of, and even though nothing's really changed he feels something different when they're together; something that just feels off.
And Yamada knows--and is sure--that Yuto doesn't love him like that (like the way Yamada wants Yuto to love him) anymore.
"Let me be selfish," he murmurs to Yuto one day. "Just for a little longer."
Yamada knows, knows in the bottom of his heart that this can (and will) never last.
(And maybe it shouldn't.)
HSJ, yamajima, G
forever isn't what you think it is.
thomas baudinette if you see this you're a bitch.
"Let's go out," Yuto says, and Yamada thinks he might just be reading too much into those words but because he is still young and selfish he'll agree anyways, and feel like the happiest person in the world for that (too) short amount of time.
"Look at the stars," Yuto tells him over the phone one quiet evening. Yamada, against his best interests, puts down his pencil and stands to look out the window.
"And?" he asks. They look--no different from yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. Or even tomorrow.
"They reminded me of you," Yuto says. "Don't you think so?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Yamada says (a blush spreading across his cheeks).
He goes to work the next morning to find paper stars scattered over his seat.
How cute, he thinks, and smiles to himself. He snaps a photo with his cellphone, and puts them into his pocket, hoping they won't get crushed.
On the way home, he stops into a cutesy shop selling things that look like they'd fit right in his sisters' rooms, and buys a star-shaped glass jar. He sets it on his desk, right next to his pencil holder, and puts that morning's stars in.
"Ah!" his sister says, seeing them. "Did someone give you those today?"
Yamada nods. "A friend did."
"She must really like you," his sister says knowingly, "to have made so many."
"I guess," Yamada says.
He thinks he may be falling in love (even more than he already is).
It's a nice feeling.
--
The distance is nearly tangible. Yamada thinks that it'll pass over time, and for sure they'll go out someday and visit the zoo and feed the pigeons or sit at a cafe for the entire morning and just, just be together. He is sure. So sure, in fact, that when it doesn't happen any time soon he thinks it'll happen soon anyways.
He doesn't really mind the fact that Yuto doesn't have much time for him anymore; he doesn't have much time for Yuto anymore either. It's neither of their faults, because work is tiring and sometimes it's all either of them can do to not fall asleep on the train home.
It's okay when Yuto starts talking to others more; Yamada isn't really a jealous person when it comes to things like that and they're both allowed to have friends. He still feels ridiculously happy when Yuto murmurs something in his ear, fingers brushing near his waist; feels like his heart just might burst when they secretly hold hands while sitting on the couch and answering endless streams of interview questions.
He is happy, so happy, and would be perfectly perfect for the rest of forever if they could only stay like this. Really.
He crosses his fingers whenever Yuto's near.
--
It hits him one day that Yuto--Yuto is getting... well, tired isn't the word. Bored isn't the word either. His vocabulary is, unfortunately, not large enough to describe what he knows Yuto feels. Fed up is really the only thing he can think of, and even though nothing's really changed he feels something different when they're together; something that just feels off.
And Yamada knows--and is sure--that Yuto doesn't love him like that (like the way Yamada wants Yuto to love him) anymore.
"Let me be selfish," he murmurs to Yuto one day. "Just for a little longer."
Yamada knows, knows in the bottom of his heart that this can (and will) never last.
(And maybe it shouldn't.)