Haze of Emotions
Title: Haze of Emotions
Author: mint-whispers
Summary: Jaejoong and Yunho live together, and Jaejoong is slowly drifting away from Yunho day by day.
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Tragedy
Warnings: character death, multiple drug use, implied sex
"Wanna get high?" Jaejoong asked casually after taking a deep puff on the thin joint nestled between his fingers. "The sex will be awesome."
"Sounds perfect right about now," Yunho said accepting it. They had been together for about three years and they were inseparable. It was senior year, and after working on a science project together, they decided that the chemistry they held together was much more interesting than the one entailed in their project. Now it was three years later, and Yunho had yet to go to graduate school. Jaejoong had opted out of the university pathway and found himself more content writing at home
Soon enough, after a couple puffs back and forth, the numbing sensation took them over, and a smoky haze surrounded them, overtaking the looming worries that once plagued them.
Yunho leaned over and kissed him, and Jaejoong was quick to yield. As his feelings slowly turned to happiness, he felt a sort of inner peace too. One that was completely non-related to the weed. Leaving the half smoked joint behind them on the nightstand, Yunho let his focus drift towards the beauty splayed out beneath him. Running his hand through the blonde's hair he gazed directly into his eyes and saw love. The very same mutual message his heart was sending out also. So to translate his emotions into actions, Yunho poured out his soul, and made love to him, leaving a myriad of scattered kisses constantly showering over Jaejoong, and leaving no part of his body un-worshipped.
nbsp; ***
"Do you ever think about the future, Jae?" Yunho inquired as the the two of them were curled up on the couch watching and old movie.
"What? Are you leaving me?" Jaejoong demanded accusatorially.
"No of course not... but, I always wanted to get out there in the world, you know?"
"Nah. I have my writing. I'm comfortable with that," Jaejoong replied as he pulled the duvet that was covering the both of them up to his chin.
"I've always felt that I wanted to go into business. But I feel like we're always so lost in our own lives here."
"I don't need anything else, you're enough."
"And weed," Yunho added half jokingly.
Jaejoong laughed, nodding in consent. "And crack."
"I'm almost done school though..." Yunho continued. "And I've been doing a lot of thinking Jae. I think I might apply for law school."
"Oh really? Wow. That's intense."
"But that means that you'll have to get a job, seeing as I'll be using more money on school."
All this talk of change caused Jaejoong to bite his lip and gave him the need to change the subject. He enjoyed how they currently lived, and he knew he was being selfish in not wanting Yunho to go.
"I have a job for you," Jaejoong replied thoughtfully, sitting a little higher; his voice laced with double meanings as he tangled his hand in Yunho's hair
Yunho trustfully allowed his boyfriend to guide his head down, and as he inched closer to Jaejoong's crotch, he figured out what 'job' Jaejoong was implying. He looked up innocently, licking his lips in anticipation. Jaejoong's eyes met his, and as usual, Yunho was momentarily stunned
Jaejoong's eyes were mysteriously intriguing, and when you looked deeper into them, it appeared to be as if you could almost lose yourself in them. Yunho saw lust that glazed over Jaejoong's eyes which happened to spark his own, yet somehow he also thought that he saw a slight hint of sadness. That instantly made him nuzzle Jae lovingly, wanting him to feel better. Jaejoong grinned appreciatively at Yunho's comforting ministrations and knotted his hand tighter in Yunho's hair. His cock twitched as he heard the words that Jaejoong had ordered.
"Blow me."
nbsp; ***
The months drew on, and soon the couple were a few days past paying their rent. Yunho sat on the bed with piles of papers and bills scattered around him. He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. He didn't know where to start.
Just then, Jaejoong waltzed in casually, taking deep puffs on a thin blunt. He sidled up to Yunho on the bed as he exhaled a mouthful of smoke ahead.
"Whatcha doin',Yunnie?"
Yunho didn't turn his head. "Trying to sort some expenses, that's all."
"You look a... little tense," Jaejoong drawled. "Wanna loosen up a bit?" he asked seductively.
Yunho rolled his eyes. "Can you crack a window or something? I'm trying to work here."
Jaejoong ignored Yunho's words and straddled himself on Yunho's lap, deftly wrapping his legs around Yunho's waist. He put out the joint on the ashtray beside them and swiftly lifted his tank top over his head. He looked Yunho in the eyes and giggled
"Why don't you take a break?"
Yunho sighed as he felt the responsibility on the self-regulation he controlled himself with wearing away. He hated having sex when only one of them was high, but Jaejoong's hands that were now shamelessly wandering over his body caused his mind to cloud over and all reservations that he once had, faded. And as Yunho felt Jaejoong's lips move lazily against his own, Yunho found his current worries and stressful thoughts wearing away also.
nbsp; ***
"You seduced me," Yunho said very simply.
"It wasn't that hard," Jaejoong laughed nonchalantly, letting his fingers dance playfully up and down Yunho's sculpted stomach. He watched as Yunho's chest slowly rose up and down, and felt more comfortable than he had felt in a long time.
"Wow. That sex. I needed that," Yunho continued.
"Yeah me too."
Yunho shifted abruptly. Now leaning back in his arms he looked down at Jaejoong and said," Jae we still need to talk though."
Jaejoong silently swore in his head. "About what, Yunho?" he replied innocently.
"I just managed to make ends meet to pay this month's bills. But like I said before, I'm starting school, and there won't be enough to go around. I don't know what we're going to do next month if we can't manage to find another form of income."
"Really? It's that bad?"
"Yeah. And Jaejoong, you need to get a job. Im sorry, I know you want to focus on your writing and stuff but most of the time I'm going to be studying," Yunho said softly.
Jaejoong yawned and snuggled closer to his boyfriend's chest. "Sure babe," he said. "I'll find one."
"But actually," Yunho continued, not fully convinced. "Promise me you'll start looking tomorrow?"
Jaejoong moaned lazily while sucking lightly on Yunho's left nipple, causing vibrations to move through his body. An amorous feeling churned in Yunho's lower stomach and he struggled for coherency.
"Jaejoong!" he managed to exclaim.
Jaejoong removed his mouth with a smack and proceeded to blow cool air on the sensitive, wet nubs. Before paying equal attention to the other side of Yunho's chest, Jaejoong looked into Yunho's eyes and spoke.
"Don't worry, I'll go."
***
"What? Why the fuck did you quit your job?" Yunho demanded.
"It was boring! And why do you need the money? You said your job was going well!" Jaejoong exclaimed, grabbing Yunho's arm in earnest
"Yeah but Jae, you can't really expect me to do everything. That isn't fair. Besides extra money is always good," Yunho said less angrily, turning towards the shorter man.
Jaejoong looked down at the floor guiltily.
"Why don't you call them back and ask for your position back? I'm sure they haven't hired yet. It's a bookstore."
"No..." Jaejoong said. His hand squeezed Yunho's yet his eyes hadn't left the floor.
"Why Jaejoong?" Yunho chided softly.
Jaejoong bit his lip. "I actually got fired," he whispered
"Why?"
Jaejoong said nothing and leaned down on the bed, lying headfirst into a pillow, leaving Yunho sitting on the edge. Yunho sensed Jaejoong's trepidations and decided to crack a joke.
"Were you high or something?" he asked laughing. Yunho plopped down beside Jaejoong on the bed, facing the ceiling. The sun shone down on them from the window and Yunho momentarily closed his eyes taking in the warmth.
"No!" Jaejoong denied half-heartedly. He was never a good liar. Instantly Yunho was up on his elbows looking down at Jaejoong's motionless figure.
"Jaejoong, I thought we were taking a break from this whole drug thing," Yunho said disappointedly. He trusted Jaejoong more than this.
"I'm sorry. It's just-"
"When were you fired?" Yunho interrupted.
"About a month ago..." Jaejoong said in a small voice.
"And you didn't tell me?" Yunho demanded, his voice escalating higher.
Jaejoong brought his head up from the pillow and looked up at Yunho. "I didn't want you to get mad."
Yunho shook his head, clenching his fists. He didn't want to be angry. That would just make it worse.
"Jaejoong," he said eventually. "I just want you to be honest with me. It hurts me when you lie."
"I'm sorry," Jaejoong whispered.
Yunho sighed and pulled Jaejoong in for a hug. "I'm sorry for yelling. But just tell me everything from now on okay?"
"Okay," Jaejoong replied, hugging Yunho tightly.
"So..." Yunho started nonchalantly. "Where'd you get the weed?"
"It wasn't weed, Yunho."
"Crack?" Yunho asked disbelievingly
"Yeah..." Jaejoong said awkwardly. He felt even more guilty now, especially because Yunho was being so damn understanding. He didn't deserve him, and he didn't deserve forgiveness just yet. There was more Yunho didn't know, and Jaejoong almost confessed right there. Almost.
"Jae. We threw all the drugs out for a reason. We have lives that we've got to start living. What type of parents would we be if we did drugs all the time? We've got to get it together."
"Parents?" Jaejoong asked, his eyebrows furrowed. He had no intention of having children. He wasn't necessarily against it, but it had never crossed his mind. Besides babies were all smily and gurgled. They were cute, but Jaejoong didn't think he wanted responsibility for one
"Don't you want children eventually?" Yunho asked.
Jaejoong twisted his lips. "I guess..."
"The drugs have got to stop, Jae," Yunho stated, back on point.
"I know, I'm sorry. I was craving! And like...I mean... gah." Jaejoong replied flustered.
"No more Jae. Promise me again." Yunho tightened his arms around Jaejoong again. He could never stay angry at Jaejoong for too long. His heart was in the right place, he just made bad decisions. He laughed to himself silently when he realized how fatherly that thought sounded.
Jaejoong leaned forward into Yunho's chest and tangled their feet together with the sheets. He inhaled, and let the scent of Yunho surround him and fill his mind. He really had a perfect boyfriend. "No more," he agreed, biting his lip as he spoke."No more."
***
Jaejoong battled with his mind and conscience voraciously. He needed crack, weed, alcohol, something. But he was broke, and he didn't want to break Yunho's trust either. Yunho would be so disappointed, in the fact that he was getting drugs, but also because of what he was considering. He eyed Yunho's wallet apprehensively as he bit his lip thinking. He hated this. He hated himself. He hated his thoughts.
Minutes later, he held his breath and pushed away all the looming guilt as he grabbed the wallet. Opening it gingerly, he saw two bills. He snatched them quickly and hastily stuffed them into his back pocket. Just when he was about to put the wallet back a picture caught his eye. He saw of the two of them in their last year of high school, a year after they had started dating. Jaejoong saw himself grinning happily flashing a peace sign, as Yunho pressed his lips to his cheek. Seeing the picture brought back refreshing memories and tears to his eyes.
Yunho had been a perfect boyfriend. He was always there to support him, to care for him, to protect him, and so much more. Yunho had never really lied to him, and Jaejoong never had a reason to doubt his word. All these thoughts made Jaejoong feel very undeserving, and provoked disheartening feelings of self-disgust.
Yet, not enough to make him stop.
***
Whistling happily to himself, Yunho straightened his tie in the mirror and grabbed his wallet before heading to the door. As he glanced inside to check for his credit card, he couldn't help but notice he was lacking some cash. He could have sworn he had 40 more dollars, but at the sight of Jaejoong his train of thought was redirected.
Jaejoong met him at the door dressing in a new silk robe. His eyes appraised Yunho's professional appearance. "You look sexy in a suit, baby," he commented.
"You look fabulous in that silk robe," Yunho replied, taking the blond unto his arms.
"Oh really? How fabulous?" Jaejoong asked as he twisted Yunho's tie around his fingers seductively.
Yunho pressed his body closer to Jaejoong while tenderly kissing him goodbye. His tongue slowly traced the outline of Jaejoong's lower lip. "Fabulous enough for me to fuck you senseless, right here against the wall."
"Why don't you?"
"Work, baby, work," Yunho reminded him gently, leaning back a bit.
Jaejoong pouted. "You finished school already baby. You should be less busy."
Yunho kissed Jaejoong again and began to run his fingers up and down his lover's back.
"Im sorry! You know I got promoted. We could always use the extra money," Yunho explained.
"I haven't been fucked in five days," Jaejoong stated.
"After work today. Lets change that. I'm off early. Let me take you out for dinner."
"And when we get home?" Jaejoong mused.
"The fucking shall commence."
Jaejoong moaned and yanked him by the tie closer in for a kiss. "Can't wait," he murmured against Yunho's lips.
"I love you, Jae," Yunho said simply, his words evident in his eyes
.
"I love you too Yunho, more than you can imagine."
***
Yunho came home stressed out. Work at the form had been hectic recently, and the case that he had labored many late nights with the cocky Siwon Choi with for the past week had failed. They had lost. And for the first time in months, Yunho found himself yearning for a smoke. Just for a couple hours, he needed to get away from life. As he padded his way into the kitchen, he saw Jaejoong slightly leaned over washing the dishes. He was wearing a pair of tight black pants and Yunho's old wifebeater
Setting his briefcase down quietly Yunho came up behind Jaejoong and pressed himself behind him. "Hey gorgeous," he whispered in Jaejoong's ear.
Jaejoong jumped, and heard Yunho laughing behind him. Drying his hands on the dishtowel he thrust his ass lightly against Yunho's crotch, and delighted in hearing Yunho groan.
Jaejoong turned around and kissed Yunho. "Hey there, you," he smiled. He bought his hand to Yunho's crotch and rubbed the semi-hard bulge in the fabric. "You got a problem there Yunho?" he asked naughtily.
Yunho growled and thrust his hands into the back of Jaejoong's pants, cupping his ass and letting their crotches press together. A moan had barely left Jaejoong's mouth before Yunho had captured it in a dominating kiss. His lips moved harshly against Jaejoong's leaving them both momentarily breathless. Jaejoong's breath hitched when Yunho's tongue explored the confines of Jaejoong's mouth
Yunho's eagerness turned Jaejoong on immensely as he started unbuttoning Yunho's dress shirt. Yunho's kisses had now trailed down to the sides of Jaejoong's neck, where he now sucked and kissed fervently. He pulled Jaejoong's wifebeater over his head and flung it somewhere on the other side of the kitchen. Now his mouth worked lower, marking, and touching everything with his lips. Jaejoong's hips bucked aimlessly into the air, searching for a sense of friction while slender hands teased Jaejoong's hardened nubs.
"Yunho!" he breathed. "Why, how, you..."
"It's been too long, Jaejoong," Yunho said quietly before pressing his lips back to Jaejoong's. He felt Jaejoong's tongue brush across his teeth before falling into the kiss again. He could kiss Jaejoong for hours, and he knew that if he died kissing him, he would die a happy man.
And as Jaejoong continued to kiss Yunho in all the right places and make him feel like the luckiest man alive, again Yunho found himself lost in Jaejoong's world. He was the only thing relevant to him at that moment, and as he glanced down, and lost himself in Jaejoong's magnificent eyes, he felt all the stressors and worries that had previously plagued him momentarily forgotten.
***
"YunhoYunhoYunhoYunhoYunho! Guess what?!" Jaejoong screamed the second Yunho walked in the door.
Yunho raised his eyebrows, surprised at Jaejoong's outburst. "You're pregnant?" he joked casually.
Jaejoong rolled his eyes and continued jumping up and down happily. "You know how It sucked because I couldn't find a job and stuff like that? Oh my god Yunho, I'm getting published!"
Yunho smiled brightly and grabbed Jaejoong's into a tight hug. "That's amazing Jaejoong! Wow! I told you that a publishing company would accept you soon."
"This is awesomeness Yunho. Let's do something. Let's go out drinking! Just to celebrate."
Yunho was still smiling but he looked skeptical. Jaejoong was doing well from withdrawal, he didn't want to spike an urge again.
"Oh just this once Yunho! Please?" Jaejoong pleaded, still hopping up and down.
Yunho laughed. "Okay baby, let's go."
--
Yunho carried a drunken Jaejoong back into their apartment. After kicking both of their shoes off, he placed Jaejoong on their bed. He stripped his boyfriend to his boxers, and tucked him into the sheets. Jaejoong drowsily gripped Yunho's arm tightly. He lazily motioned for Yunho to come closer
Yunho rolled his eyes and leaned down. "What is it Jaejoong?"
"I'm ssssorry." Jaejoong slurred.
"Why? It's okay you're just drunk," Yunho replied.
"Nooooo. Your wallettt. So sorry. I'm bad." Jaejoong blurted out breathlessly.
"I'm confused Jaejoong."
"Money. I needed. I'm sorry. Only 4 timess. I just needed..."
"You took my money, Jaejoong? Without telling me?" Yunho asked. He was feeling quite skeptical about all of this. Jaejoong was drunk, but he had noticed money missing from his wallet on occasions. He just figured he had used it already.
"Craving so much... So much... Can I have some? Let's smoke Yunnie, let's do it," Jaejoong babbled
Yunho ripped Jaejoong's hand from his arm roughly. "Goodnight Jaejoong," he said through his teeth
Yunho showered quickly, and got out some spare linens from the closet. Making himself comfortable on the couch he lay there and willed for the sleep to come. But instead, he found tears pooling in his eyes. The man he loved was slowly drifting away from him, and he was no longer someone that Yunho could trust. Sighing, Yunho decided to give Jaejoong another chance. Because if he didn't, who else would he have?
***
Yunho pulled into the driveway of their apartment and parked the car. The migraine he went to work with was escalating in pain, so he left work early in order to come home and rest. He remembered Jaejoong had his rehab meeting today until three, so quietly he went upstairs to enjoy some quiet hours alone.
As he entered the apartment, he set his briefcase down and heard rustling noises in the kitchen
"Jaejoong?" he called out warily. The door was locked so it couldn't possibly be an intruder. He walked into the kitchen and almost tripped over Jaejoong, who was comfortably sitting cross-legged on the food right in the kitchen doorway.
"Why aren't you at your session?" he questioned him.
Jaejoong pouted his lips and hugged Yunho's legs. "Yunnie? Tell meeee. Are the walls melting?"
Yunho furrowed his brow and struggled to pull an unwilling Jaejoong to his feet. He held Jaejoong unbelievingly by his sholders and shook him roughly. "Jaejoong?" he asked again.
"Everything's spinninggggg! Yunho! We're on a ferrissss wheel baby. This is great." Jaejoong slurred happily. "I wanna ride the ferris wheel again! Hahahaaaaa."
Yunho rolled his eyes and brought Jaejoong to the couch. He sat him down and blocked him every time he tried to get up.
"You don't like the ferris wheel Yunnie? I like riding it. Hehehe riding it. Riding. Yunhoooo can I ride youuuu?" he asked licking his lip, trying to be seductive
In contrast, Yunho stared at the mess his boyfriend had become. Entreatingly he looked into Jaejoong's eyes to see if he could salvage any hope. Any trace if the man that Yunho had been in love with. And when Jaejoong's big brown eyes found his, all Yunho saw were dilated pupils of a lost soul, and as terrible as it sounded, Yunho wanted no more to do with it. He was done.
***
It had been around five months that Yunho had left Jaejoong, with an envelope containing enough money to pay the rest for the next 3 months and the picture of both of them in his wallet. "In case you ever want to go back to how we used to be." he had told him, and as much as it hurt him, he ignored Jaejoong's tight grip on his waist and left
During the next five months, Yunho's career had never been better. With a new start and a new suite, Yunho dedicated all his time into working. With a new kind of headstrong passion, Yunho threw himself into whatever he was doing yet because of this he found himself more tired and haggard whenever he was at home. When he went to the bathroom in the morning to brush his teeth and managed to glimpse himself in the mirror, he couldn't believe the man looking back at him was his reflection. He still looked like the same Yunho, yet it appeared as if he'd aged about 10 years. The wrinkles he one had in the corners of his eyes from laughter had vanished, and were now at the bottom of his ever-present eye bags permanently.
Later that night, Yunho couldn't sleep. He was tired, but the restlessness was still there. Pulling on some clothes he decided to go for a late night drive. He grabbed his keys and shrugged on his spring jacket. He looked at his wallet and debated whether he should bring it. After some mild deliberation he slipped it into his jacket pocket. His wallet was better off with him at all times. Even if he lived alone now.
Yunho got into his car and started the ignition. A haunting feeling surrounded him but he ignored it. As he was driving down the streets of his new neighborhood he found himself driving aimlessly. Wasting gas, and going wherever his mind took him
The first place he found himself was the neighborhood he had grown up. He saw his parent's house and didn't think twice about stopping. His relationship with his parents had languished ever he had come out to them. It hurt him, because he'd always been close with his mom, but he did it for Jaejoong. He laughed bitterly to himself as he turned the corner. He did a lot of things for Jaejoong, and the annoying thing about it, was that he still missed him so much, after everything that had transpired five months ago.
Soon he found himself driving past his the centre where he had used to take dance classes as a teenager. Jaejoong had showed up to every performance and cheered him in, and Jaejoong had been the one there to wipe his tears when Yunho's father ended the classes, telling Yunho to aim for more mature ways to spend his time, like studying business. He drove down the road towards the beach. He needed to walk. On the way there he passed the street that he would need to turn on to if he wanted to visit the apartment he had used to share with Jaejoong. He deliberated for a split second but then continued on driving
Two blocks later it began to rain. Yunho decided against the beach idea and decided to head back home. As he turned around, momentarily he looked down and pushed the button to turn his windshield wipers on. As soon as he looked up his window again he felt the impact of his car hitting something. Swearing to himself Yunho stepped out of the car and into the downpour. He was drenched instantly, and the strong winds that had come in a matter of moments had almost swept him away. He tried his hardest to shield his phone from the rain as he called 911. As he approached the figure lying in front of his car he gasped as he recognized the pants of the individual. They were black and very, very tight. Yunho shook his head in disbelief as he took in the sight in from of him. He'd know those legs anywhere.
He held his phone tightly and his hands shivered as he let the light from his phone shine across the motionless figure before him. Before he could recognize anything, a strong gust of wind blew again, sending tendrils of Yunho's fringe into his eyes. He brushed them out of the way and looked closer. Just then, his phone blacked out, probably from the water damage. Yunho swore and went into his car, turned the headlights on full blast and crawled back outside.
The last thing that Yunho could remember, was the sound of the policeman talking through his phone asking what the problem was, and the faint sound of rain spattering the ground, before the lights went out.
***
The funeral was small and private. Jaejoong had barely any family left, and Yunho's was too busy to care. Yunho's mother did show up though, and she held her son's hand throughout the whole thing. Although he appreciated what she was doing for him, Yunho needed to get away
Everyone spoke to him, offering their condolences, telling him that they were sure that he didn't mean to kill Jaejoong. They spoke about how hard it must be for him to have killed his ex like that. But Yunho didn't want to take it. They didn't understand. Not fully anyway.
He drove off to Jaejoong's apartment and found the spare key that they always used underneath the potted plant in the hallway corner. He entered the quiet apartment and searched. He knew all the places where it would be, and right now he figured that he needed it more than ever.
inutes later he sat on the couch they once shared and inhaled the first puff he had taken in about a year. Slowly and eventually, the tears had started to pour down his face. Bitterly putting out the blunt he was holding Yunho looked away. This wasn't the addiction that he craved for. It wasn't what would soothe his longing. It never was. That was forever gone, because Kim Jaejoong- the man he loved had died. Not two days ago, but months ago. He had died slowly and unexpectedly, and it was all before Yunho's eyes. And no form of drug could take away the numbing pain that he felt in his heart .