Project MAPLE, Phase 7
I have long ago come to the conclusion that it is not how hard you fight your battles, but how you choose your battles that counts. In a way, it does not matter whether you're walking or running, as long as you are on the right road. What I am trying to say is that, it is more important to know on what to expend your efforts than doing the job great. It is a kind of leverage and fulcrum deal, little rock versus Goliath's skull, quadrant 2 activities. I sincerely believe that good choices transcend good skills, that the ability to focus on the right things is the skill of skills, the uber-skill that leads you to all good things in life.
I suck at it so much.
Talk dirty romantic nauseating to me
Good romantic dialogue is a thing of beauty. That is the reason I prefer to reading romantic mangas to books, as so little people get it right and in mangas I can usually skip the words and see the romance in the imagery and body language.
The problem, I think, is that romance is so much more than words. Sure, the characters in Jane Austen novels talk a mean game, but soon the events will let us seperate the John Willoughbys from the Edward Ferrars. I do not think I have ever read flirting that completely convinced me, but that is probably because flirting always rings false to men.
Still, it is an essential piece of romance fiction and thus we arrive at another school day, where we get to witness Bella and Eddiekins flirt and take classes.
"The ring is our school. My fists are the teachers. Your first lesson is pain.
Actually the first lesson is colour theory. Did you know the colour brown is warm? And that Bella misses it, because all the stuff that's supposed to be brown is green here in Forks?
Also, sand is rough. Not like Edward. Edward is smooth.
Still, we are spared most of the talks as a lot of it is compressed and relayed by Bella as "I felt self-conscious about boring him" and "he asked me about my favourite gemstone" (okaaaaaaay...). I do not know whether to invoke the 'show don't tell' rule or just thank the merciful Lord for this small respite in my long suffering.
Smeyer is actually getting better at this as the book progresses. In Biology, whe get to both hear how there is electricity between our crazy kids and see it as Bella describes grabbing the table, trying to control herself.
You can polish shit until it shines and it will still smell
I'd like to take this opportunity to address a certain notion I read about on the fantastic blog, Making Light, in a post about somebody trying to sue J.K. Rowling for plagiarism (I'm sorry, but the Tuwim estate is the one with the most grounds, except that Rowling probably never could read in Polish). The notion, as pointed out by Theresa Nielsen Hayden, is that it's the execution of a book that counts, not the idea behind the book.
I would agree with this to an extent. A good idea may be marred by poor execution. Unfortunately, the reverse does not apply: a bad idea cannot be made good. We enjoy schlock cinema based on shallow ideas, we enjoy blockbusters, heck, I enjoy watching cartoonish Japanese high schoolers discuss anime and chocolate cornets. Do we claim those things are good? No! Movies, comics, books that are bad are bad period.
Pictured: QUALITY entertainment.
Some people may gleam enjoyment from reading Twilight. I strongly suspect those people are lying to us like that one guy in high school who claimed to have slept with that sexy college student that subbed for the German teacher. Still, they supposedly enjoyed reading Twilight for the badness. I, for the life of me, cannot even get that much from these books. I keep harping on it, but this story is just irredeemable. You can pick up anything that is more entertaining than this. A tabloid newspaper. A Paolo Coelho book. The back label on my sadly empty bottle of beer. My poor, poor empty bottle of Fuller's.
Suddenly, I feel more emotional than for the past 130 pages. I am either turning alcoholic or SMeyer is a fucking hack.
But hey, this chapter is coming to a close and we actually get something resembling a beginning of a plot - Billy Black sees Bella and Ed-head together and we can see a Van Helsing generator go off in his head.
That was a particularly bad pun, but who cares! Chapter 12 is a go!
Guess Wolf's coming to dinner
Damn, I put so much effort into that pun, but Billy and Jacob's visit to the Swann's is a humongous let down. Everything we needed to know, that "Billy knows!", we learnt in the last paragraph of the previous chapter. Instead of some pay off, Billy alerting Charlie for example or speaking some cryptic stuff to Bella, we just get some more Jacob hijinks.
Supposedly, Bella came on too strong and now he is infatuated. I dunno guys, I do not remember any saucy talk back in the old Indian legend chapter, but hey, maybe she wiggled her ass at him while we weren't looking. Werewolvess Indians Native Americans The Blacks The men in Jacob's family, who are not werewolves and will not be referred by any un-PC term, are butt men, after all.
Then again, this is the book's main writing problem. Nothing ever happens. There is no payoff, the build up is pathetic, we focus on mundane crap and nobody ever says anything clever, funny or insightful. Ever. The attempts at humour are the exact same thing you'd hear from that teenager who thinks sarcasm makes him edgy.
The worst part about the dinner with Jacob and Billy? When it is over, we switch with an audible clunk to the Edward and Bella storyline. Like there was supposed to be something happening between the night and the morning instead of the awkward conversation with Charlie about Seattle.
Man, fuck Seattle. Hell, fuck the whole state of Washington. This book makes me want to never visit Washington. This book makes me want to nuke Washington. I do not even like "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that much!
But the switch from one non-scene to another is not the only grating thing in this chapter. The super-grating, ice-pick-scraping-enamel-from-your-teeth switch is in the mood. Because the dinner fails so badly at the foreboding, it actually seems like a normal thing that would happen in real life to normal people: frien visits after a long time, brings his teenage son, who has a crush on hosts daughter, awkward conversation that leads to nowhere ensues and then it just peters out and the guests leave.
It's so domestic it goes wee-wee in a litter box.
Then we get to Bella meeting up with Edward, who is going hunting with his sister, Alice, but still wants to drop Bella off at school. Oh, and it's still his day for the questions. He declares it so.
Because, as we established, he is a douche. A douche who likes to show off. In the most idiotic manner possible, but that's because we have an idiot behind the wheel.
See, Edward has the be all manly and knightly and drive miss Bella to school herself, but then he realises she will then have to walk back home or hitch a ride or something because of his hunting trip.
Now, a normal person would then just tell their sister they have to stop along the way to drop Bella off, but Edward decides that he will make the truck appear in the parking lot, with the keys in the ignition.
To do that, he would have to break into Bella's laundry. Bella is completely fine with it in a "yeah, right, you just try" way.
She's seen the guy stop a speeding car with his bare hands and now she doesn't believe he can simply break a lock?
I dunno guys, this shit is getting harder to buy every minute.
You see, Edward is saying that he has the ability to break into your house and bring your car over in a matter of minutes. It's creepy because either a) he's telling the truth and he's ready to commit a crime over such a tiny thing or b) he is delusional and ready to commit a crime over his delusions.
Edward Cullen, 20-to-life for the rape and murder of Bella Swann
One the questions that keeps popping into my mind from time to time is "Has Bella ever seen a slasher movie?" All evidence points to Edward being some sort serial killer from a family of inbred serial killers. Let's look at the facts:
1) he is a white male (the dominant ethnicity/gender of serial killers I am told),
2) he lives in a tightly knit family that keeps to themselves,
3) the family's kids seem to be engaged in incestual relationships (vampire couples posing as siblings must be the stupidest idea I have ever heard. Shit like that shows. You can't hide shit like that),
4) he regularly engages in hunting without the use of firearms (I'm not saying all hunters are killers, it's just that this isn't a good thing when such man freely admits he has control issues),
5) he is very secretive about the relationship you have (yes, he says it's dangerous for his family if he is seen with her and it ends "badly". His words.)
6) the aforementioned crime thing.
Any other girl would probably be creeped out by his behaviour, put two and two together and skedaddle. You can say anything you want about "oh, teenagers act reckless and stupid", but you are being stupid yourself. Teenagers may have control issues, but I know they know a bad spot when they are in it. I should know: I was a teenager, too. While I may have done things that are improper, reckless and stupid, they were dangerous socially, but not physically. Teenage != no self-preservation instinct, is what I'm saying.
Oh, and he makes good on the truck promise. It's there. There's even a super creepy Be safe note on the seat. Cue the violin screech. Even Bella is a bit taken aback and for a moment I see a real person in that hollow shell.
This quickly passes when I learn that, because of his remarks, Bella decides to do stuff to keep Edward safe. You know, like she won't skip Gym, because people will assume she's with Edward when she's missing. We can't have that.
The only thing that will point to Edward will be the semen samples extracted from the corpse uncovered in the woods two weeks later. Mark my words.
Into the woods
You think I am joking. You think it's not nearly as bad and I'm just exaggerating for comedy purposes. No.
They do take a trip to the woods. They take her truck and Bella lies she's going to be doing her chores around town all day. Not that it would bother anyone, as Edward decided they will go the day Chuck has his all-day fishing trip. Yup, you want to keep the experienced law enforcer off the trail as long as possible, huh Eddie?
They drive down to an undisclosed location. When the paved road ends, they drive on the dirt and Edward says they'll reach a trail. When they reach the trail and step out, Edward says they're not taking the trail.
They keep walking through the woods to some place as Bella rattles of in heard head about his perfection and sometimes exchanges some very creepy dialgoue with the guy. Edward in turn seems anxious, has a pained tinge to his voice and says he won't let her get lost.
I'm just waiting for him to turn around and take her there and then kill her. It's actually quite effective as a slasher scene. You think it may all turn out okay and maybe Bella will manage to escape, but they keep walking and the tension builds and you're scared for her and then they reach the clearing where...
No.
No!
NO!
I know where this is going.
NO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I suck at it so much.
Talk dirty romantic nauseating to me
Good romantic dialogue is a thing of beauty. That is the reason I prefer to reading romantic mangas to books, as so little people get it right and in mangas I can usually skip the words and see the romance in the imagery and body language.
The problem, I think, is that romance is so much more than words. Sure, the characters in Jane Austen novels talk a mean game, but soon the events will let us seperate the John Willoughbys from the Edward Ferrars. I do not think I have ever read flirting that completely convinced me, but that is probably because flirting always rings false to men.
Still, it is an essential piece of romance fiction and thus we arrive at another school day, where we get to witness Bella and Eddiekins flirt and take classes.
"The ring is our school. My fists are the teachers. Your first lesson is pain.
Actually the first lesson is colour theory. Did you know the colour brown is warm? And that Bella misses it, because all the stuff that's supposed to be brown is green here in Forks?
Also, sand is rough. Not like Edward. Edward is smooth.
Still, we are spared most of the talks as a lot of it is compressed and relayed by Bella as "I felt self-conscious about boring him" and "he asked me about my favourite gemstone" (okaaaaaaay...). I do not know whether to invoke the 'show don't tell' rule or just thank the merciful Lord for this small respite in my long suffering.
Smeyer is actually getting better at this as the book progresses. In Biology, whe get to both hear how there is electricity between our crazy kids and see it as Bella describes grabbing the table, trying to control herself.
You can polish shit until it shines and it will still smell
I'd like to take this opportunity to address a certain notion I read about on the fantastic blog, Making Light, in a post about somebody trying to sue J.K. Rowling for plagiarism (I'm sorry, but the Tuwim estate is the one with the most grounds, except that Rowling probably never could read in Polish). The notion, as pointed out by Theresa Nielsen Hayden, is that it's the execution of a book that counts, not the idea behind the book.
I would agree with this to an extent. A good idea may be marred by poor execution. Unfortunately, the reverse does not apply: a bad idea cannot be made good. We enjoy schlock cinema based on shallow ideas, we enjoy blockbusters, heck, I enjoy watching cartoonish Japanese high schoolers discuss anime and chocolate cornets. Do we claim those things are good? No! Movies, comics, books that are bad are bad period.
Pictured: QUALITY entertainment.
Some people may gleam enjoyment from reading Twilight. I strongly suspect those people are lying to us like that one guy in high school who claimed to have slept with that sexy college student that subbed for the German teacher. Still, they supposedly enjoyed reading Twilight for the badness. I, for the life of me, cannot even get that much from these books. I keep harping on it, but this story is just irredeemable. You can pick up anything that is more entertaining than this. A tabloid newspaper. A Paolo Coelho book. The back label on my sadly empty bottle of beer. My poor, poor empty bottle of Fuller's.
Suddenly, I feel more emotional than for the past 130 pages. I am either turning alcoholic or SMeyer is a fucking hack.
But hey, this chapter is coming to a close and we actually get something resembling a beginning of a plot - Billy Black sees Bella and Ed-head together and we can see a Van Helsing generator go off in his head.
That was a particularly bad pun, but who cares! Chapter 12 is a go!
Guess Wolf's coming to dinner
Damn, I put so much effort into that pun, but Billy and Jacob's visit to the Swann's is a humongous let down. Everything we needed to know, that "Billy knows!", we learnt in the last paragraph of the previous chapter. Instead of some pay off, Billy alerting Charlie for example or speaking some cryptic stuff to Bella, we just get some more Jacob hijinks.
Supposedly, Bella came on too strong and now he is infatuated. I dunno guys, I do not remember any saucy talk back in the old Indian legend chapter, but hey, maybe she wiggled her ass at him while we weren't looking. Werewolvess Indians Native Americans The Blacks The men in Jacob's family, who are not werewolves and will not be referred by any un-PC term, are butt men, after all.
Then again, this is the book's main writing problem. Nothing ever happens. There is no payoff, the build up is pathetic, we focus on mundane crap and nobody ever says anything clever, funny or insightful. Ever. The attempts at humour are the exact same thing you'd hear from that teenager who thinks sarcasm makes him edgy.
The worst part about the dinner with Jacob and Billy? When it is over, we switch with an audible clunk to the Edward and Bella storyline. Like there was supposed to be something happening between the night and the morning instead of the awkward conversation with Charlie about Seattle.
Man, fuck Seattle. Hell, fuck the whole state of Washington. This book makes me want to never visit Washington. This book makes me want to nuke Washington. I do not even like "Smells Like Teen Spirit" that much!
But the switch from one non-scene to another is not the only grating thing in this chapter. The super-grating, ice-pick-scraping-enamel-from-your-teeth switch is in the mood. Because the dinner fails so badly at the foreboding, it actually seems like a normal thing that would happen in real life to normal people: frien visits after a long time, brings his teenage son, who has a crush on hosts daughter, awkward conversation that leads to nowhere ensues and then it just peters out and the guests leave.
It's so domestic it goes wee-wee in a litter box.
Then we get to Bella meeting up with Edward, who is going hunting with his sister, Alice, but still wants to drop Bella off at school. Oh, and it's still his day for the questions. He declares it so.
Because, as we established, he is a douche. A douche who likes to show off. In the most idiotic manner possible, but that's because we have an idiot behind the wheel.
See, Edward has the be all manly and knightly and drive miss Bella to school herself, but then he realises she will then have to walk back home or hitch a ride or something because of his hunting trip.
Now, a normal person would then just tell their sister they have to stop along the way to drop Bella off, but Edward decides that he will make the truck appear in the parking lot, with the keys in the ignition.
To do that, he would have to break into Bella's laundry. Bella is completely fine with it in a "yeah, right, you just try" way.
She's seen the guy stop a speeding car with his bare hands and now she doesn't believe he can simply break a lock?
I dunno guys, this shit is getting harder to buy every minute.
You see, Edward is saying that he has the ability to break into your house and bring your car over in a matter of minutes. It's creepy because either a) he's telling the truth and he's ready to commit a crime over such a tiny thing or b) he is delusional and ready to commit a crime over his delusions.
Edward Cullen, 20-to-life for the rape and murder of Bella Swann
One the questions that keeps popping into my mind from time to time is "Has Bella ever seen a slasher movie?" All evidence points to Edward being some sort serial killer from a family of inbred serial killers. Let's look at the facts:
1) he is a white male (the dominant ethnicity/gender of serial killers I am told),
2) he lives in a tightly knit family that keeps to themselves,
3) the family's kids seem to be engaged in incestual relationships (vampire couples posing as siblings must be the stupidest idea I have ever heard. Shit like that shows. You can't hide shit like that),
4) he regularly engages in hunting without the use of firearms (I'm not saying all hunters are killers, it's just that this isn't a good thing when such man freely admits he has control issues),
5) he is very secretive about the relationship you have (yes, he says it's dangerous for his family if he is seen with her and it ends "badly". His words.)
6) the aforementioned crime thing.
Any other girl would probably be creeped out by his behaviour, put two and two together and skedaddle. You can say anything you want about "oh, teenagers act reckless and stupid", but you are being stupid yourself. Teenagers may have control issues, but I know they know a bad spot when they are in it. I should know: I was a teenager, too. While I may have done things that are improper, reckless and stupid, they were dangerous socially, but not physically. Teenage != no self-preservation instinct, is what I'm saying.
Oh, and he makes good on the truck promise. It's there. There's even a super creepy Be safe note on the seat. Cue the violin screech. Even Bella is a bit taken aback and for a moment I see a real person in that hollow shell.
This quickly passes when I learn that, because of his remarks, Bella decides to do stuff to keep Edward safe. You know, like she won't skip Gym, because people will assume she's with Edward when she's missing. We can't have that.
The only thing that will point to Edward will be the semen samples extracted from the corpse uncovered in the woods two weeks later. Mark my words.
Into the woods
You think I am joking. You think it's not nearly as bad and I'm just exaggerating for comedy purposes. No.
They do take a trip to the woods. They take her truck and Bella lies she's going to be doing her chores around town all day. Not that it would bother anyone, as Edward decided they will go the day Chuck has his all-day fishing trip. Yup, you want to keep the experienced law enforcer off the trail as long as possible, huh Eddie?
They drive down to an undisclosed location. When the paved road ends, they drive on the dirt and Edward says they'll reach a trail. When they reach the trail and step out, Edward says they're not taking the trail.
They keep walking through the woods to some place as Bella rattles of in heard head about his perfection and sometimes exchanges some very creepy dialgoue with the guy. Edward in turn seems anxious, has a pained tinge to his voice and says he won't let her get lost.
I'm just waiting for him to turn around and take her there and then kill her. It's actually quite effective as a slasher scene. You think it may all turn out okay and maybe Bella will manage to escape, but they keep walking and the tension builds and you're scared for her and then they reach the clearing where...
No.
No!
NO!
I know where this is going.
NO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!