Project MAPLE, Phase 6
Why, is this phase 6 already?
I know, I know - I promised to be more consistent with my updates on this project. I'm sorry - it's just that it's really hard to find anything funny to write about this part. Why? Well, it's mostly exposition, where Edward further develops the world of Twilight for us.
And now you can see why it's such a snoozefest.
The main gripe I have with modern fantasy is that it favours RPG-sourcebook-like world-building over character development and gripping plot. Just off the top of my head, here's a small list of books with fantastic worlds that are bogged down by poor characters or plot: Weis & Hickman's "Darksword" trilogy, Lukyanyenko's "Rough Draft" and ANY-FUCKING-THING PUT OUT BY "FABRYKA SŁÓW"!
Sorry for that, but it needs to be said - while "Fabryka Słów" is commited to popularising Polish fantasy, it is also responsible for putting out fanfiction quality material, priced just as much as REAL books. Really, this publishing house deserves a rant of its own.
Back to Twilight: what I'm trying to say is that while many modern fantasy books have boring plots and unlikeable characters, you still pick them up to see how an author handled some old tropes - are the elves different? Are there actually any elves?
There's just something about being transported to a new world of uncovered wonders that makes up for the plot you've read a thousand times. There's a feeling of excitement as you explore a new setting, even though you're accompanied by characters you've met so many times before.
Twilight doesn't even have this going for it.
It's quite a feat to create such a boring and lackluster world. You'd think the very juxtaposition of a vampire in small town would bring about some neat problems, e.g. there's just so little people and everybody knows everybody and rumours spread like wildfire - how are you going hide the fact that you take a cup of AB minus with your five o'clock tea? Or the fact that no amount of SPF is going to shield you from the righteous wrath of God as you walk under his sun in defiance of the curse he placed upon Cain and his progeny?
The Cullen girls must hate bikini season.
I mean, this is "Creative Writing 101". Lesson 7 "Tragic flaws, overcoming". Extra credit for making the character realise he was not so different all along. But no, Smeyer fucks that up, too.
All those potential problems I outlined for you? They are NONEXISTENT. The Cullens get all the benefits of being vampires with none of the drawbacks. The only drawbacks they do experience, like the shininess and the hunger, are easily manageable. And if I hear somebody piping up with that "curse of life neverending" bull I will punch them in the SOUL!
No, Mr. Cullen, I expect you to dine!
Last we've seen our... heroes, they were heading out to grab a bite. I already told you how during this dinner Edward is all "eat your vegetables" (in a way which makes you think that he doesn't really care if you grow up big and strong like daddy, but just wants to watch you do EVERYTHING HE SAYS), so we'll just blow through this part only stopping to hear him highlight his mormon vampire superpowers.
The first superpower we notice is his super-charisma. Kind of. Basically, Edward is so pretty, everybody bends over backwards to do his bidding. Especially when aided by his humongous cash reserves as a VAMPIRE OVERLORD. We see this when he "smoothly" persuades a waitress to give him and Bella a more private table. Smeyer wants us to know her Eddiekins is one hot son of a bitch bat.
"You really shouldn't do that to people," I criticized. "It's hardly fair."
"Do what?"
"Dazzle them like that - she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."
Ewww! I think that's HARDLY hygienic (this is one of the lines everybody makes fun of).
Still, I haven't seen anything sexy yet. All I've seen is money and good looks and if that's what charisma actually is, I'm going to be very depressed.
Anyway, they manage to get themselves a table and agree to a game of "show me yours and I'll show you mine"... in a plot device kind of way. Basically, Bella asks some questions now, Edward has to answer them and then he gets to ask the question. Except Edward avoids some questions, showing us who wears the pants in this pyjama party.
By now we also learn Edwards eyes change colour. I think. They go lighter or darker depending on his mood and I'm not sure if that's a literal change of colour value or just a metaphor. It seems we should take it literally. I'm not sure if it's a superpower. Actually when I think about it, it could be some sort of drawback - it makes his emotions easier to read.
Bella enquires about Eduardo-kun's mind reader powers. That's superpower number two, for those keeping count. For now, we'll table the immortality and the ability to live in the vacuum of space.
Apparently, miss B is immune to his telepathy, but nobody else is. And the range and magnitude of his power is phenomenal - he doesn't mention any distance specifically, but I think we can safely assume a kilometer or two, as he was able to track Bella through Angela from across town. Moreover, he doesn't need to concentrate to use his power - he just hears people and he only needs to exert his willpower to shut them out. That's like you or me having a literal sixth sense (say, always knowing how many beers there are left in a fridge) and only shutting it off when we WANT to be surprised (like if your cousin comes back from Belgium and you turn of your beer-vision so he can surprise you with a shelf full of delicious foamy imports). Even better, if he has already heard you thinking once, he'll always be able to pick you out of a crowd. This guy is like Wolverine and Professor X rolled into one, only he'd make a perfect husband and he doesn't like beer.
Yes, I am subtly hinting that this book is driving me to drink. Speaking of driving...
WWJSD - What would Joseph Smith Edward drive?
Why, a sweet-ass silver Volvo, of course. And he'd drive like a bat out of Hell. Because, apparently, it's forbidden to risk the integrity and purity of your body by drinking coffee, but not paying attention to the road while doing 80 MPH is A-OK.
We get to learn how Edward drives because there wasn't enough padding in the book. The 280 page book. Where nothing happens.
Apparently, he's reckless, but he has vampire reflexes and can read the minds of other drivers. Won't he be surprised when it turns out braking distance is non-vampire-superpower-negotiable.
Anyway, Eddie drives Bella home and she reveals to him that she knows what he is, but it doesn't matter. Because... she loves.
Now, unconditional love is a wonderful thing which we should all strive for. Many people love me despite my obvious faults and trespassings against them and that's wonderful. But the fact is, they love me because of "who I am" and not "despite who I am". But Bella loves Edward "despite" - she's weighed it out: hotness trumps vampiricity. Because there's nothing to Edward except hotness. Bella never admires him for his wit, his deeply cynical, yet sometimes naively superficial understanding of human nature or how he, despite his centuries of existence, still cherishes his faith in the superiority of human spirit. Because Edward isn't like that. He doesn't have a personality. He has an array of traits: hot, immortal, superstrong, superfast, needs only blood to survive, sparkles in the sun, can read minds.
Edward Cullen is not a character. He is a CHARACTER BUILD.
Vampire: the Masquerade - Clan Cullen Sourcebook
Character builds are like mathematical exercises for roleplayers. Roleplayers do them to see how strong a character you can create with just a limited pool of character points. It's an exercise in optimalisation: the most out of the least.
But they're not actually meant to be played. Why? Because they're broken (overpowered) and oftentimes make no sense (how does a goblin raider gain skill levels in epee fencing? And the blessing of the human god of swordcraft?). Nobody wants to play characters like that and even if they do, no GM allows for that sort of thing.
I'm sure Smeyer adds something in later chapters about Edward's backstory, but no matter what she will do, I'll only see this:
I'm Minstrel. I read Twilight so you don't have to!
I know, I know - I promised to be more consistent with my updates on this project. I'm sorry - it's just that it's really hard to find anything funny to write about this part. Why? Well, it's mostly exposition, where Edward further develops the world of Twilight for us.
And now you can see why it's such a snoozefest.
The main gripe I have with modern fantasy is that it favours RPG-sourcebook-like world-building over character development and gripping plot. Just off the top of my head, here's a small list of books with fantastic worlds that are bogged down by poor characters or plot: Weis & Hickman's "Darksword" trilogy, Lukyanyenko's "Rough Draft" and ANY-FUCKING-THING PUT OUT BY "FABRYKA SŁÓW"!
Sorry for that, but it needs to be said - while "Fabryka Słów" is commited to popularising Polish fantasy, it is also responsible for putting out fanfiction quality material, priced just as much as REAL books. Really, this publishing house deserves a rant of its own.
Back to Twilight: what I'm trying to say is that while many modern fantasy books have boring plots and unlikeable characters, you still pick them up to see how an author handled some old tropes - are the elves different? Are there actually any elves?
There's just something about being transported to a new world of uncovered wonders that makes up for the plot you've read a thousand times. There's a feeling of excitement as you explore a new setting, even though you're accompanied by characters you've met so many times before.
Twilight doesn't even have this going for it.
It's quite a feat to create such a boring and lackluster world. You'd think the very juxtaposition of a vampire in small town would bring about some neat problems, e.g. there's just so little people and everybody knows everybody and rumours spread like wildfire - how are you going hide the fact that you take a cup of AB minus with your five o'clock tea? Or the fact that no amount of SPF is going to shield you from the righteous wrath of God as you walk under his sun in defiance of the curse he placed upon Cain and his progeny?
The Cullen girls must hate bikini season.
I mean, this is "Creative Writing 101". Lesson 7 "Tragic flaws, overcoming". Extra credit for making the character realise he was not so different all along. But no, Smeyer fucks that up, too.
All those potential problems I outlined for you? They are NONEXISTENT. The Cullens get all the benefits of being vampires with none of the drawbacks. The only drawbacks they do experience, like the shininess and the hunger, are easily manageable. And if I hear somebody piping up with that "curse of life neverending" bull I will punch them in the SOUL!
No, Mr. Cullen, I expect you to dine!
Last we've seen our... heroes, they were heading out to grab a bite. I already told you how during this dinner Edward is all "eat your vegetables" (in a way which makes you think that he doesn't really care if you grow up big and strong like daddy, but just wants to watch you do EVERYTHING HE SAYS), so we'll just blow through this part only stopping to hear him highlight his mormon vampire superpowers.
The first superpower we notice is his super-charisma. Kind of. Basically, Edward is so pretty, everybody bends over backwards to do his bidding. Especially when aided by his humongous cash reserves as a VAMPIRE OVERLORD. We see this when he "smoothly" persuades a waitress to give him and Bella a more private table. Smeyer wants us to know her Eddiekins is one hot son of a bitch bat.
"You really shouldn't do that to people," I criticized. "It's hardly fair."
"Do what?"
"Dazzle them like that - she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."
Ewww! I think that's HARDLY hygienic (this is one of the lines everybody makes fun of).
Still, I haven't seen anything sexy yet. All I've seen is money and good looks and if that's what charisma actually is, I'm going to be very depressed.
Anyway, they manage to get themselves a table and agree to a game of "show me yours and I'll show you mine"... in a plot device kind of way. Basically, Bella asks some questions now, Edward has to answer them and then he gets to ask the question. Except Edward avoids some questions, showing us who wears the pants in this pyjama party.
By now we also learn Edwards eyes change colour. I think. They go lighter or darker depending on his mood and I'm not sure if that's a literal change of colour value or just a metaphor. It seems we should take it literally. I'm not sure if it's a superpower. Actually when I think about it, it could be some sort of drawback - it makes his emotions easier to read.
Bella enquires about Eduardo-kun's mind reader powers. That's superpower number two, for those keeping count. For now, we'll table the immortality and the ability to live in the vacuum of space.
Apparently, miss B is immune to his telepathy, but nobody else is. And the range and magnitude of his power is phenomenal - he doesn't mention any distance specifically, but I think we can safely assume a kilometer or two, as he was able to track Bella through Angela from across town. Moreover, he doesn't need to concentrate to use his power - he just hears people and he only needs to exert his willpower to shut them out. That's like you or me having a literal sixth sense (say, always knowing how many beers there are left in a fridge) and only shutting it off when we WANT to be surprised (like if your cousin comes back from Belgium and you turn of your beer-vision so he can surprise you with a shelf full of delicious foamy imports). Even better, if he has already heard you thinking once, he'll always be able to pick you out of a crowd. This guy is like Wolverine and Professor X rolled into one, only he'd make a perfect husband and he doesn't like beer.
Yes, I am subtly hinting that this book is driving me to drink. Speaking of driving...
WWJSD - What would Joseph Smith Edward drive?
Why, a sweet-ass silver Volvo, of course. And he'd drive like a bat out of Hell. Because, apparently, it's forbidden to risk the integrity and purity of your body by drinking coffee, but not paying attention to the road while doing 80 MPH is A-OK.
We get to learn how Edward drives because there wasn't enough padding in the book. The 280 page book. Where nothing happens.
Apparently, he's reckless, but he has vampire reflexes and can read the minds of other drivers. Won't he be surprised when it turns out braking distance is non-vampire-superpower-negotiable.
Anyway, Eddie drives Bella home and she reveals to him that she knows what he is, but it doesn't matter. Because... she loves.
Now, unconditional love is a wonderful thing which we should all strive for. Many people love me despite my obvious faults and trespassings against them and that's wonderful. But the fact is, they love me because of "who I am" and not "despite who I am". But Bella loves Edward "despite" - she's weighed it out: hotness trumps vampiricity. Because there's nothing to Edward except hotness. Bella never admires him for his wit, his deeply cynical, yet sometimes naively superficial understanding of human nature or how he, despite his centuries of existence, still cherishes his faith in the superiority of human spirit. Because Edward isn't like that. He doesn't have a personality. He has an array of traits: hot, immortal, superstrong, superfast, needs only blood to survive, sparkles in the sun, can read minds.
Edward Cullen is not a character. He is a CHARACTER BUILD.
Vampire: the Masquerade - Clan Cullen Sourcebook
Character builds are like mathematical exercises for roleplayers. Roleplayers do them to see how strong a character you can create with just a limited pool of character points. It's an exercise in optimalisation: the most out of the least.
But they're not actually meant to be played. Why? Because they're broken (overpowered) and oftentimes make no sense (how does a goblin raider gain skill levels in epee fencing? And the blessing of the human god of swordcraft?). Nobody wants to play characters like that and even if they do, no GM allows for that sort of thing.
I'm sure Smeyer adds something in later chapters about Edward's backstory, but no matter what she will do, I'll only see this:
I'm Minstrel. I read Twilight so you don't have to!