(no subject)
im on the edge of a very huge breakdown. fuck.
me and nathan are nearly over. or of what i know we are over.
i feel a pain in my chest.
deep and pulsating.
and a keen blade of self hate jutting out of my back.
it feels im here just to injure this ache.
i just unconsciously push people to their furthest limit and then proceed to push them over it.
im such a poor fucking excuse for a person.
but why am i so fucking devastated. what am i going to loose?
first of all every kiss and hug and every look and laugh and smile. every smile. im going to miss his smile.
how im making myself type this i dont know.
my eyes are streaming i can hardly see the screen
proceeding.
having someone there, having someone who will listen someone who will talk someone who will look straight into your heart and only see you. just you. and love you. until the stars burn out and the world turns cold and theres nothing left in my heart but your face.
and his voice.
oh my fucking god what have i fucking done.
why do insist on pain.over and over and over.
some unconscious part of me likes to see myself suffer. likes to see me writhe in pain and bathe in weakness and self doubt and fear. part of me thinks i deserve all of these things. part of me makes me think i crave it.
i dont know how to build myself up again, i dont know how to be a person without him. hes just so core to my being that its like hes always been there and if he were to be ever taken away... gaping emptiness comes to mind.
how could i move on, how could i ever trust another person. how could i ever kiss anyone else, the thought of it makes me feel so deeply sick. i dont want anyone else i cant imagine myself in anyone elses arms when my mind strays to the future.
but i need some sort of self defense, i need alittle thats just mine so i dont loose everything if i loose you.
but you dont want that, you want me to surrender. and im so fucking scared that if i dont ill have lost the only chance to be happy again.
how do i keep breathing.. i honestly dont know.
i need him. my mind and body cry out for him. constantly. its so consuming. and so hard to ignore.
how do i say no to what every part of me is screaming yes for.
how do i carry on after hes gone.
- 2 hour phone call conversation later-
oh
well that was just a massive insecure trust fail. im sleepy from talking and thinking so much
spliff n bed plzzzzzzz
and nathan to huggle me and keep me warm and safe from evil sprites that live in the darkness in my room.
uugggggggggggghhhhhhhhh but yeah realised that we love each other and its just overpowering and ccan solve all issues.
my mum just hates the fact im with him
she thinks it makes me unhappy but she only sees the unhappy bits or only chooses to see them.
so annoying.
like 60/40 60 being fucking happy 40 being oh shit i hate everything.
and varying degrees of lol or death.
mehhhh so emotional before. now im knackered and am being a dick and not taking it seriously. cause i cba to type anymore just wanna roll n laying down n put on some tunes and just wallow.
MEHHHHHH
me and nathan are nearly over. or of what i know we are over.
i feel a pain in my chest.
deep and pulsating.
and a keen blade of self hate jutting out of my back.
it feels im here just to injure this ache.
i just unconsciously push people to their furthest limit and then proceed to push them over it.
im such a poor fucking excuse for a person.
but why am i so fucking devastated. what am i going to loose?
first of all every kiss and hug and every look and laugh and smile. every smile. im going to miss his smile.
how im making myself type this i dont know.
my eyes are streaming i can hardly see the screen
proceeding.
having someone there, having someone who will listen someone who will talk someone who will look straight into your heart and only see you. just you. and love you. until the stars burn out and the world turns cold and theres nothing left in my heart but your face.
and his voice.
oh my fucking god what have i fucking done.
why do insist on pain.over and over and over.
some unconscious part of me likes to see myself suffer. likes to see me writhe in pain and bathe in weakness and self doubt and fear. part of me thinks i deserve all of these things. part of me makes me think i crave it.
i dont know how to build myself up again, i dont know how to be a person without him. hes just so core to my being that its like hes always been there and if he were to be ever taken away... gaping emptiness comes to mind.
how could i move on, how could i ever trust another person. how could i ever kiss anyone else, the thought of it makes me feel so deeply sick. i dont want anyone else i cant imagine myself in anyone elses arms when my mind strays to the future.
but i need some sort of self defense, i need alittle thats just mine so i dont loose everything if i loose you.
but you dont want that, you want me to surrender. and im so fucking scared that if i dont ill have lost the only chance to be happy again.
how do i keep breathing.. i honestly dont know.
i need him. my mind and body cry out for him. constantly. its so consuming. and so hard to ignore.
how do i say no to what every part of me is screaming yes for.
how do i carry on after hes gone.
- 2 hour phone call conversation later-
oh
well that was just a massive insecure trust fail. im sleepy from talking and thinking so much
spliff n bed plzzzzzzz
and nathan to huggle me and keep me warm and safe from evil sprites that live in the darkness in my room.
uugggggggggggghhhhhhhhh but yeah realised that we love each other and its just overpowering and ccan solve all issues.
my mum just hates the fact im with him
she thinks it makes me unhappy but she only sees the unhappy bits or only chooses to see them.
so annoying.
like 60/40 60 being fucking happy 40 being oh shit i hate everything.
and varying degrees of lol or death.
mehhhh so emotional before. now im knackered and am being a dick and not taking it seriously. cause i cba to type anymore just wanna roll n laying down n put on some tunes and just wallow.
MEHHHHHH