.inhuman
"How do you feel, after working (an internship), and then starting school again?"
"I'm actually excited to start school leh. Like, having fun with assignments instead of..."
Excited.
I stopped listening after hearing my friend said he was excited to start school.
Because I don't feel the same way. Excitement is an emotion that I haven't felt for an extremely long time. Hell, I'm not even sure if I feel anything anymore. I have practised emotional detachment until it is not a defence mechanism, but an embodiment.
The best thing to do in order to not hurt is to view something objectively, which is to remove every ounce of emotion from it. If something hurts, then it means you still care. That's what humans are born to do, we must care about something, we must work for something, we must love.
"The only way to be happy is to love. Unless you love, your life will flash by." - [x]
I'm not excited anymore. I used to be. I used to be so damn excited for my holidays to start, because I am able to start on my own personal projects. Now? Not so much. I've lost motivation. Because I don't see the point of working on something that will eventually amount to nothing. When the school vacation was starting, I kept hearing my peers say they're 'excited', which hurt me, as I lacked, very greatly, the ability to feel the same way. They reminded me of the person I once were. Excited.
Excited to make music. Excited to learn new skills. Excited to make new friends. Excited to travel to new places. Excited to try new things. Excited to design their personal zine. Excited to draw or illustrate. Excited to write more stories...
I can't feel it. At all.
It is worrying. Considering how just last year I am an eager beaver year 2 visual communication student who is ready to make mistakes and learn as well as grow from them. Then came semester 2 - a semester that completely obliterated my belief in my abilities. My extreme failure to secure a music mentorship was an atomic bomb that set off a calamitous chain of events. & I did extremely badly in my design classes, which further eroded my confidence in myself...that I could learn and design, that I have at least a tiny bit of 'pizzazz' to pursue music. 'Pizzazz', because now, I think using formal terms like 'flair' or 'talent' is a stretch.
& the internship. Yes. I secured one. Quite luckily. Quite surprisingly.:
Did it boost my confidence in my design skills because a company is willing to take me in? A little, though I questioned their taste afterwards cos' my portfolio's pretty weak.
Was I looking forward to learn from the seniors? Yes. I wanted to take away as much as I can. And improve. For I'm not satisfied with mediocrity. And contribute by doing my best.
Do I think that I improved? Technical skills, yes. Concept and ideas, no. I wanted to grow much much more.
Did I lose a huge chunk of my soul while immersing myself in the industry? Expected it. Didn't really handle it well at times.
Did I 'make friends'? Yeah. They were a fun bunch.
Was I grateful for the opportunity? Yes. Always. I am always thankful for people who are willing to give me a chance.
Was I excited for it? No. It had become a duty I had to do. Rat race. (Try to) get an upper hand. Help to lighten the financial load in the process. Routine. 9-6. OT. Burn my personal time when deadlines are tight and there're many projects on hand. Been through it before. "Used to it."
This mindset...I know it's unhealthy. I know I'm unhealthy.
My vice is envy. I acknowledge that. Although a little too late. Which means much damage is done. But are comparisons really debilitating? Sometimes comparisons shake you up to see the reality. Yes, reality. Reality as in sometimes positive-thinking, no matter how 'healing' it can be, how good it can make you feel etc., is a lie. For a lack of a more classy example, like telling a person that someone they care for is going to 'get better' when he or she has suffered a brain death.
Jonathan was selected for the mentorship. I stumbled upon the Noise exhibition/showcase at ION. I saw his name. & I smiled. Because I think he deserved the opportunity and I was happy for him. & yes. I was envious. For he could do everything I couldn't.
I went for The Huckleberry Friends' performance. They were phenomenal. Chemistry, harmony, stage presence and all. I heard Xue Yi sing live that night. "And at once I knew I was not magnificent."
\
Excitement.
Realising how incredibly inadequate I am robbed me of my ability to feel excited. Robbed me of my belief in my capabilities. Robbed me of my emotions. Robbed me of my soul. Robbed me of my status as a human.
The thing that I loved the most does not make me happy anymore.
Instead, it morphed into a constant reminder of my inadequacies. My failures. The "should've would've could've"s.
I no longer enjoy the activities I used to enjoy. I can't love the things I used to love. "Unless you love, your life will flash by."
I am completely swallowed by apathy. I am held captive by fear. I am murdering myself.
In almost everything I do, the question "what's the point?" pops into my mind. It is nihilism making its conquest.
I am panicking. Albeit in a very, unusually, calm way. Perhaps it's because, deep deep deep down, I have surrendered.
Is it low self-esteem or merely the acceptance of truth?
Maybe it's just a phase, and somehow, someday, a switch happens and I regain my drive and whatever. But I don't know when that will happen. Or if it will ever happen.
Maybe I'm born into a family of working 9am to 6pms, and there's no escaping from it. "The family business". Routine.
Do you think that we are the captain of our lives, that whatever our life will be is influenced by our choices, or that fate controls us, that everything is already set in stone and whatever you try to do does not change anything at all?