Balfrey Rollocks and the Rum o' Doom

[minosan]

Raphaela sits down at the table by the hearth.

Raphaela is sitting by the hearth, tapping a pencil on the closed book thoughtfully.

Darque walks into the coffee-house and sniffs the air, and then taptaps his everywhichway to a table by the hearth. Blind.

Raphaela looks up "Please, do join me." and it wasn't rudely said, she meant it.

Darque says, "Thank'ee," in a deep Minos accent. "Very kind." He finds a chair with the ease of someone who has not used his eyes for the task for a long time. If he used his eyes it would be messy and get eyeball gunk everywhere. He uses his fingers.

Raphaela seems to be comfortable with helping out the blind subtly. "Not at all, drinking coffee alone with one's work is a bit sad."

Darque says, "Is this an invitation to steal your cup, or only to drink with'ee?"

Raphaela chuckles "I think we could order you a one all yours."

Darque says, "From the scent an' the sound o' the place, I figure it's not coming with a free knee-warmer, but I'll gladly keep'ee from loneliness, lass."

Raphaela blinks "Free knee-warmer? Are you cold?" the sound of her voice is perhaps mockingly serious. "Name is Raphaela, a pleasure, I'm sure."

Darque says, "Darque, madam. Captain Darque. I'd bow, but my nose'd get broken."

Raphaela chuckles "A charming MInosian. If you would like more lassie-knee-warmers, I'd suggest a mead hall and a few other establishments."

Darque says, "In good time. I was brought here by my sense of hearing, not my sense of smell, or any other."

Raphaela asks "What did you hear?"

Darque says, "That the Great Gun of Minos has been found. But it's probably just rumor and hot air, like the time that the ill-famed Captain Flatulent sailed on the Bonny Beany."

Raphaela tilts her head "Great gun of Minos?" she is curious as she orders more coffee and sweets at their table.

Darque says, "Oh, a vortex gun that opens up... but I'm sure a sweet lassie like you doesn't need details."

Raphaela grins "OH, I'm interested in Minosian details. I would like to keep my trading fleet afloat, you see."

Darque says, "Oh, right. Insurance game, eh? Well, it fires not once, but seven times - each pulse tearing the air more and more until it cane bear it no longer, and flees, an' ships fall apart in its path. But of course, after Stormalog lost it to Mad Miko McGee, it rather... pales in comparison to some other tales."

Raphaela chuckles "Awesome story. Do you have any tales?"

Darque says, "No, I had mine cut off when people teased me about it as a child. All seven of them."

Raphaela tilts her head "Hm." and sips, not knowing what to say at that, probably.

Darque says, "But I do have a good story about a squid, only the end of it is not fit for ladies, as it were."

Raphaela chuckles "Many a Minosian story doesn't."

Darque says, "Many a Minos story is told by women I dare not call ladies. Arrh."

Raphaela chuckles softly "Well, I'd pry further, but I shouldn't admit I like those tales in public."

Darque says, "The squid, as I recall, was trained in relay-racing and ballet. A very particular friend of mine had had the making of his shoes."

Raphaela asks "Ballet? Must have had good coordination."

Darque says, "Having lost several limbs in his youth, he was possessed instead of half a dozen walking-sticks, and so it was more akin to tap-dancing than any ballet you have yet seen. But still, it was his dream to perform before the Commodores."

Raphaela laughs and sips her coffee "Try out some sweets, they are horridly sinfully sweet."

Darque says, "Get the behind me, temptress. Unless you already art. Now, this squid, whose name was Balfrey, but who answered to Rollocks, was enamoured of a certain young lady squid, and would tap out his mournful messages to her in code, upon the glass wall of his globe, as she lay artfully changing colour in the little bowl next door."

Raphaela chuckles and listens, sipping.

Darque says, "Her name was Unimportantia, which is a very bad name to be given, I am sure, but she was destined for the captain's table, and not for entertainment, if you get me."

Darque runs his hand over the table for the sweets, and takes one. He eats it carefully before he goes on.

Raphaela aws "It is a doomy fate." she takes a tooth rotting sweet herself and noms.

Darque says, "Nor was Rollocks unaware. Arrr. He had seen the captain's eyes upon his girl, and knew she would be taken from him, but what was the love of one little cephalopod with five wooden legs, compared to the power of Mad Cap'n McGee? They called him mad, by the way, because that were his initials. M.A.D. McGee. It had sent him stark staring bonkers."

Raphaela chuckles "It is a story of misfortunately named!"

Darque says, "Arr, lassie, that it were."

Darque says, "But cheer up. The end is in sight for at least one of us."

Darque says, "Arr, lassies, that it were."

Darque says, "But cheer up. The end is in sight for at least one of us."

Raphaela chuckles brightly and waits for the finish, sipping.

Darque says, "Where was I? Ah yes. Dropping mysterious hints about a cannon that could be used to punch a hole through a whole fleet at once, and that made the Rebman general Tottie Hotpants cry into her pillow. Or was it the squid story?"

Raphaela chuckles "Both."

Darque says, "Oh. I'll combine them, then. Thank'ee for the timely reminder."

Raphaela grins "You're welcome, m'lord."

Darque says, "Rollocks had one advantage that no squid before him has ever had. His legs! Five of them were wood, and immune to the deadly power of the cannon. And he also knew its weakness. It drank. Like sin, it did. It drank lightning and spat thunder! But it also drank a little rum every day, as a priming device, as it were."

Raphaela chuckles "A proper Minosian cannon!"

Darque says, "Indeed. It also had a hankering for the ship's goat, but that is not the point."

Raphaela snerks "Awesome."

Darque says, "So as the captain slept, Rollocks tappet-tapped his way out of his globe. He was a squid, and could do that. And he squelched his way along the floor, dragging his sticks to keep them silent. And up to his captain's beloved cannon!"

Raphaela oh noooos, supportive listener she is!

Darque says, "And as Unimportantia watched with dumb amaze, he climbed it, using his five wooden legs, although some say he cheated and launched himself from the table."

Darque says, "Reaching the touchhole, he squeezed himself inside, and there he drank the rum that was left. And so about lunchtime, maybe getting on for tea-time if you're a bit foreign, the cannon knew thirst, aye!"

Darque says, "Such a thirst as tore itself apart, lookin' for something to devour, and finally it fired upon itself."

Raphaela leans forward "Oh no! Suicide!"

Darque says, "Well, murder really. But the coronor's inquest was unclear, so we'll leave that part to be debated by a jury of Rollock's peers."

Raphaela says "Now now. Subtly forced suicide isn't a murder, it's just poking the enemy's weakness."

Darque says, "And all the explosion left, of that whole ship, was six things. Unimportantia's tank, sadly empty as she had been eaten for second breakfast, and five twisted bits of wood. And those bits of wood were so perfect for holding oars in, that even today Row-locks are pronounced Rollocks in the squid's honor. ARR!"

Raphaela applauds "Tragic love, sweet-sour comedy and an explosion. Amazing tale."

Darque puts his hand over his heart. "Most kind," he says. "But now I hear rumor whisper its siren call to me from somewhere with stronger drink. Your servant, ma'aaam."

Raphaela grins and nods "It was a pleasure. Take care."

Darque stands up, and taps his way back out of the coffee-shop, dropping a rowlock from his pocket quite by accident as he goes.