This will be long...
So my class got a "vacation" this morning...we had to turn in our papers (the one on eating babies...) and then we could leave, so needless to say I have an extra 1:15 in my morning.
I've been meaning to make this update for a couple of months now...I guess it's better that I waited, because every day God is blessing me in so many different ways, and that's just that much more I can write about.
It's amazing what throwing away a piece of paper can do.
Everyone knows I wasn't feeling fantastic earlier this year, and that's mostly my fault. I just honestly didn't want to get up in the mornings and have to face myself again. I hated it. After a few weeks I made it back to church in Janurary...and it happened to be a communion night, which makes me happy just on it's own. Anyway, David was talking about "joy" versus "happiness"...quite ironic for the occassion if I may add...and basically how joy is long-term, while happiness is day to day. He talked about pleasing God with what we say and think, and making sure that we can do that on a day to day basis, so that in the long-term view we will please him (it went a lot deeper than that, and I wish I could remember now everything he said...) Anyway, he asked us to write down some things that inhibited our relationship with God, maybe some stuff that didn't sit right with him, and then on our way up to recieve communion, we threw them away in a trashcan that he set out for us.
I wrote (3) things down. Only three...but they were things that had really hindered me recently...anyway my point is that it was such a powerful feeling throwing them away...I didn't feel it at first, but over the last few months I have really seen a change, and I can't begin to describe it. It's just been...amazing...and reaffirming, if you go with me on that. I dunno. I'll be honest on this thing and say that I hadn't cried as hard as I did that night at church in a long time...and I think it was just tears of relief...tears that meant I was honestly going to let go of these things and let God work his magic with me. I'm almost in tears now thinking back on that night, and just how bad I had been feeling, to just get this rush of relief was overwhelming...a little scary too...I mean, and this is about to open another can of worms, but we'll go with it...I never considered myself an "emo-kid", but I was really jealous of the girls that were just happy all the time. They just seemed to have something I didn't, or understood something that I couldn't, that just made them want to wake up in the morning, no matter how bad things seemed to be going...I wanted that so bad...but I was always the sad one, the one who, in my eyes, could never seem to catch a break.
I was so comfortable in that person though, and I think I made myself like that. I never allowed myself to be happy because I was so scared that it would end...so instead I never let myself get "too happy"...who ever wants to be let down? I had worked myself up into this ball of gloom that even when I was truly happy, and trust me I was, it didn't last very long, because I didn't think it was safe. I knew it wasn't going to last, and that in itself is usually what caused my relationships (friends, boyfriends, etc) to fall apart. It's like I manipulated good situations into bad ones completely unintentionally...I hate it...bleh, makes me angry that I was always the reason for my unhappiness.
So anyway.
I threw away those things...and slowly but surely, I began to see a change in myself. I was able to really look around and appreciate the things I did have. And the more blessings I counted, the more I seemed to be blessed. God showed me that I had amazing friends who would bend over backwards for me in a heartbeat...and my family, no matter what I did or said or thought, was going to love me unconditionally. They really are my foundation, and I can't imagine what I would do without there support...nothing I guess.
My friends. Holy cow.
I have such an amazing life...I mean, it's amazing how comfortable I feel talking to just about anybody. I have my close friends that I hang out with on weekends, but they aren't all I have. I haven't confined myself to a close circle, and that has allowed me to really make and form my own opinion, and has allowed me to really find myself. I haven't been shaped or manipulated by anyone except God and myself, and I have really began to see myself for me, and I like it. I don't want to be expected to perform a certain way, or think a certain thing based on who I'm with. And I would hope that everyone knows that I'm not going to change myself based on who I'm with.
Granted I have my faults...and boy am I aware of them. But it doesn't meant that I have to change everything about me...I'm coming into my own skin...again really, I think we all go thru a couple of changes like this. It's all about finding who you are comfortable with. And I think that I'm really starting to see just how amazing life is when you aren't worried about being a certain way.
God has brought so many people into my life the last few months, and I can't describe how they make me feel. They've been showing me what life can be, and how blessed I really am to have such a big family down here.
I'm just so glad I've gotten to experience all of these things, and that I will continue to meet all sorts of people so that I can really find my individual self.
I'm not the kind of person to be stuck in a cliche or clique...that I've always known. I'm so excited each day, wondering who I'm going to meet, what cool story I'm going to hear...God has shown me so many amazing people...I can't tell you how blessed I am to know each and every one of them.
I have to give up my iPod tomorrow, and I seriously think I'm going to have an axiety attack...I sat down in my Lit class this morning (which ended up lasting 7 minutes) and turned it on, realizing that tomorrow I wouldn't be able to do that...and I got scared.
It's going to be interesting.
Bleh!! I'm crazy I swear ;-p
It's still a gorgeous day out...gah, I love you guys.
:-D have a great Tuesday (I keep thinking it's Wednesday...)
Alli
I've been meaning to make this update for a couple of months now...I guess it's better that I waited, because every day God is blessing me in so many different ways, and that's just that much more I can write about.
It's amazing what throwing away a piece of paper can do.
Everyone knows I wasn't feeling fantastic earlier this year, and that's mostly my fault. I just honestly didn't want to get up in the mornings and have to face myself again. I hated it. After a few weeks I made it back to church in Janurary...and it happened to be a communion night, which makes me happy just on it's own. Anyway, David was talking about "joy" versus "happiness"...quite ironic for the occassion if I may add...and basically how joy is long-term, while happiness is day to day. He talked about pleasing God with what we say and think, and making sure that we can do that on a day to day basis, so that in the long-term view we will please him (it went a lot deeper than that, and I wish I could remember now everything he said...) Anyway, he asked us to write down some things that inhibited our relationship with God, maybe some stuff that didn't sit right with him, and then on our way up to recieve communion, we threw them away in a trashcan that he set out for us.
I wrote (3) things down. Only three...but they were things that had really hindered me recently...anyway my point is that it was such a powerful feeling throwing them away...I didn't feel it at first, but over the last few months I have really seen a change, and I can't begin to describe it. It's just been...amazing...and reaffirming, if you go with me on that. I dunno. I'll be honest on this thing and say that I hadn't cried as hard as I did that night at church in a long time...and I think it was just tears of relief...tears that meant I was honestly going to let go of these things and let God work his magic with me. I'm almost in tears now thinking back on that night, and just how bad I had been feeling, to just get this rush of relief was overwhelming...a little scary too...I mean, and this is about to open another can of worms, but we'll go with it...I never considered myself an "emo-kid", but I was really jealous of the girls that were just happy all the time. They just seemed to have something I didn't, or understood something that I couldn't, that just made them want to wake up in the morning, no matter how bad things seemed to be going...I wanted that so bad...but I was always the sad one, the one who, in my eyes, could never seem to catch a break.
I was so comfortable in that person though, and I think I made myself like that. I never allowed myself to be happy because I was so scared that it would end...so instead I never let myself get "too happy"...who ever wants to be let down? I had worked myself up into this ball of gloom that even when I was truly happy, and trust me I was, it didn't last very long, because I didn't think it was safe. I knew it wasn't going to last, and that in itself is usually what caused my relationships (friends, boyfriends, etc) to fall apart. It's like I manipulated good situations into bad ones completely unintentionally...I hate it...bleh, makes me angry that I was always the reason for my unhappiness.
So anyway.
I threw away those things...and slowly but surely, I began to see a change in myself. I was able to really look around and appreciate the things I did have. And the more blessings I counted, the more I seemed to be blessed. God showed me that I had amazing friends who would bend over backwards for me in a heartbeat...and my family, no matter what I did or said or thought, was going to love me unconditionally. They really are my foundation, and I can't imagine what I would do without there support...nothing I guess.
My friends. Holy cow.
I have such an amazing life...I mean, it's amazing how comfortable I feel talking to just about anybody. I have my close friends that I hang out with on weekends, but they aren't all I have. I haven't confined myself to a close circle, and that has allowed me to really make and form my own opinion, and has allowed me to really find myself. I haven't been shaped or manipulated by anyone except God and myself, and I have really began to see myself for me, and I like it. I don't want to be expected to perform a certain way, or think a certain thing based on who I'm with. And I would hope that everyone knows that I'm not going to change myself based on who I'm with.
Granted I have my faults...and boy am I aware of them. But it doesn't meant that I have to change everything about me...I'm coming into my own skin...again really, I think we all go thru a couple of changes like this. It's all about finding who you are comfortable with. And I think that I'm really starting to see just how amazing life is when you aren't worried about being a certain way.
God has brought so many people into my life the last few months, and I can't describe how they make me feel. They've been showing me what life can be, and how blessed I really am to have such a big family down here.
I'm just so glad I've gotten to experience all of these things, and that I will continue to meet all sorts of people so that I can really find my individual self.
I'm not the kind of person to be stuck in a cliche or clique...that I've always known. I'm so excited each day, wondering who I'm going to meet, what cool story I'm going to hear...God has shown me so many amazing people...I can't tell you how blessed I am to know each and every one of them.
I have to give up my iPod tomorrow, and I seriously think I'm going to have an axiety attack...I sat down in my Lit class this morning (which ended up lasting 7 minutes) and turned it on, realizing that tomorrow I wouldn't be able to do that...and I got scared.
It's going to be interesting.
Bleh!! I'm crazy I swear ;-p
It's still a gorgeous day out...gah, I love you guys.
:-D have a great Tuesday (I keep thinking it's Wednesday...)
Alli