Heart's a Mess
I hardly know where to begin ....
There is no beginning, really as there is no end.
This is all still happening, swirling around me like wisps of wind; through my hair, up my nose, in my mouth, on my skin...
Currently, I'm drinking a bottle of wine (sans glass, because that's just how classy I am) and listening to music that does not reflect my mood at all. My heart is full and aching and sad and happy and like confused and my mind is trying to keep up with my heart.
I want nothing more than to stay out of my head, but my head is where I live. I set up residence there years ago and it's comfortable and I don't want to leave it.
Apparently this is one of my biggest issues. I think too much. Way too damn much. I need to stop thinking so much and just start doing. But sometimes that doesn't serve me well either as I've learned from experience.
Argh - this song makes me angry. Angry and turned on. I need to change it.
I'm drunk.
Anyway ...
You know ... I'm frustrated right now.
Okay, wait - that's not what I wanted to talk about. (*Damn you, wine!)
So! I finished my first year of theatre school! Yaaaay! *happy dance* - I don't know why I said that, I didn't even do a happy dance. I am not a cute internet person. Fuck this. I take back my happy dance. I am happy, but I'm past the point of dancing about it.
I'm just bitter right now because I can't have what I want. I'm being bratty.
I finished my first year of theatre school. Nay, I survived my first year of theatre school and just barely. I honestly ... honestly had no idea that this is what was going to happen to me going to school. You guys - it's fucked. It's crazy and wonderful and amazing and mind fuckey and therapeutic.
I've learned a lot about myself and who I am as an actor and just as a person in general. I learned how I handle certain situations and I actually know myself in my depression now. This is something I couldn't find in Thunder Bay. Being depressed terrified me and I never let it happen because I was scared it meant my crazy coming back, so I let it sit and boil up until it turned into meltdowns (sorry, it's taking everything in me not to make spelling mistakes right now.) Now, however - yeah I'm depressed and that's fine. I have it and I'm going to go through it but I can see my way out of it and I know when it's coming and I know what to do with myself when I'm in it. I'm very self- aware now. Thank you, theatre school.
At the same time, I'm being forced to look at things about myself and bring things out and work with them that I put away a long time ago or that I thought I was over, but apparently, surprise! I'm not! Which is fine, because I can see now how it will make me a better actress.
I was told at my final interview that I need to:
A: bring anger to the work; I need to be edgier
B: bring my life experience to the work
C: get in shape
Let me just quickly address the last one because as forward as it sounds - they are right. Although, hooray for me, I did lose 26 lbs this year, in order to keep up with the physical demands of second year, I have to be in shape. It's not so much about the weight as it is about the cardio. So I'm hoping to have enough will power to make a complete life change this summer. Starting after today and the wine of course ....
I need to get angry.
The head of acting turned to me and said "you need to be angry about things in the world" and I immediately was like "but I AM angry about things in the world!"
"Then you need to bring that to the work."
Argh. Anger has been one of my biggest problems. I've always surpressed it becuase I had so much of it when it came to my stepfather and I found it never did me any good because it just caused me to have blind fits of rage that I could never remember. So I buried it and learned how to swallow it and if I did get angry about something, I used it to create or I turned it into a passion. So now, I have to tap into it and use it in the work, carefully, harnessing it. Yeah, because THAT'S easy.
I called my sister after my interview and told her this and she said "but you're not angry about things in the world. You're sad about them. We've never been angry about everything that's happened; we just became sad."
Dammit.
She's right.
I'm a sad, sad person.
Really sad, actually.
No. No I'm fine.
I'm fine.
...
I miss Heather. I wish I could talk to her. I take so many things for granted. So many things. So many people. I try really hard to enjoy myself in moments because I know from experience that they don't last forever. They barely last at all.
I'm terrified of forgetting moments in my life.
I'm scared of getting old.
This was what my performance masque was supposed to be about but I chose a different path ...
Why is Kesha playing?
This is NOT how I feel right now.
Eh - I'll keep it on.
What I should be listening to is 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' but I'm just having trouble accepting that right now.
Fuck you, Stones - I want what I want. I want! I want! I want!
Why don't I deserve the things I want in life?
I'm slowly coming to various realizations about myself in my life that I feel like no one would understand unless they are exactly in my position or me.
I love my experiences.
I love my life.
I feel though that sometimes I don't fit anywhere.
I'm stuck somewhere and I don't know which way I want to go and then I realize I don't have a choice.
I feel wayward and lost even though I'm on a path I know is mine.
I feel that the decisions I make in certain aspects of my life are going to have consequeces but I don't know what else to do to help myself.
I'm hoping even though I should be realistic.
There is a feeling in the depths of my heart that I just want to go away because I don't know if I can handle the deep hurt that is going to come from it.
I'm happy.
I'm sad.
"I'm with everyone and yet not"
THAT'S what I'm going to listen to!
I'm 14 again.
Ugh - that's not good. Well, I shouldn't say that - it was good for me at the time in some parts. I may have had a shitty childhood but I had some good times with some good (and bad) people. I learned a lot.
In any case ... I've been forcing myself out because I cannot stand being here, in this new cave, alone and self sufficient. I miss people arguing, guitars being played, basses being played, tv's on too loud and watching them and video games and wanting to cook because I'd rather cook for other people than for myself.
Which, I mean - it's 7:13pm and I really should eat something as I pretty much have had this wine all day and some like nuts and jerky and a granola bar and like a piece of toast this morning.
Omg Yolanda, get your shit together.
Sometimes I'd rather be alone, though. Lost in my thoughts and daydreams and hopes. I think, recently I've been scared of my thoughts because they make me sad and knowing that some, if not all, of my daydreams will never come true. I do believe that anything can happen though.
*I just deleted a line that said 'I deserve happiness ... I'm a good person' .... that should say something about me, I think.
Why is there not one person who has all the answers? That way I could just go and ask these important questions I need to know .... should I give up on this? What about this? Is this going to work out for me?
Oh man, this is why I'm scared of risks. I am one of those people that consistantly get hurt. I mean, all the time. I'm like a punching bag. From nearly all of my previous experience, I just get hurt. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Doesn't that make sense? Am I crazy in thinking that? And I mean, the learning experience from these things is supposed to be "don't fucking do it again" right? So why - WHY would I do it again? And again? And fucking AGAIN? Good God, you HAVE to give up sometime, right?
One of these times has to be the final kicker where it's like, 'what the fuck is the matter with you? Just fucking stop.'
Just stop.
I'm actually getting sick of hearing myself talk about certain things, but it's like word vomit, I can't help it. If it's consuming me, I just gotta let it out. All the time. I'm so sorry to those who have to listen to me and to those fools who decided to read this.
Hey remember when I first moved here and I updated everyday on my adventures and now I've settled and am complaining about my life.
I will go back to adventure telling, I promise.
This just needed to happen.
The End.
I'm over halfway through this bottle.
Is this a problem?
Nah, I don't think so.
*sigh*
Peace, my lovelies.