(no subject)
I'm not quite sure why I'm trying to get my feelings out this way, it's been so long since I wrote on here that I'm not even sure if I can get the words out right. I've not been able to write on here since all that stuff happened two years back, and I think I got too afraid to open up properly to an indirect audience. It always seemed easier to complain on Facebook, or to a friend because then I can gage reactions but I don't think this has worked too well. If anything it's made me worse. I'm always looking through my posts and deleting all of the ones that seem to whiney, or if I post too many or if no one acknowledges them.
I want my complaints to be heard and to be relevant - if I don't complain, then who's to say I'm not going to start cutting again, or smoking, or taking drugs again? I've already become dependant on drink again. If I don't get it out this way, I'll just hurt myself.
Ever since Aaron left my university it's like my support has just gone and I'm terrified because I feel like I've just lost all of my friends. People keep comparing me to my past self and I wish I could be that naive and sympathetic towards everyone but I can't because I don't trust now. Nice guys are people I have to watch myself around in case they abuse me, and my friends are people who might be silently judging me. I can just feel everyone hiding stuff from me, and not telling me how they feel. The one guy, besides Aaron, that I really let in and told about all of the rape and the abuse seemed to understand - until he started feeling me up when no one was watching. I never thought it was something that he was capable of, because I felt like my old self around him. He just proved me right - I let my guard down and he abused me too.
Just last night one friend said that they thought I was a beautiful person, and that I'm always so kind to people. It hurt because she doesn't know me anymore, and the last time she really knew me was before all of the stuff happened and before I lost all my innocence. Now I just can't help but hate everything, I want to complain about everything and I want to hurt people who do me wrong and that's not how I used to be. I just feel like this scared child who is losing everything and her family or friends don't care because they can't see past the physical appearance.
My mum can't wait for me to leave, and to my dad I'm just background noise. My sister has got away, and she's started a new life and brought a new life into the world, something that adores her and relies on her. Who relies on me? I used to love the person that I was, and everyone seemed to love me too even if I could be annoyingly innocent. Now I pick faults in everything as a defence mechanism and people just don't want to know.
I just want to leave for university and start fresh, go back to who I was. I keep saying it to Aaron, that I'm going to get better and that I'm going to change. Truth is, I don't think I have it in me. There has just been this slow transition into something I hate for two years and it's not stopping. It would take longer to reverse that and I don't have that kind of time. I feel like I'm losing hours and every minute is wasted.
He just won't get out of my head. The doubt won't either - the people around me who act sympathetic, and then agree but I can see it in their eyes. They don't really believe me. If it was rape, why would I stay so long? Why would I not have changed suddenly? Why did I go off with a new guy so quickly? I don't know, but it was. It was always rape, but how can I fight this idea of victim blaming and stereotypical sexual abuse? I don't feel like the victim. I feel like it was my fault, that I deserved it for giving him a chance. I should never have trusted him, but I did and now I don't think I can ever start a new friendship without silently judging.
That's an interesting point actually. Since the rape - I keep calling it rape, because I've never referred to it as that before and it might give me some kind of closure - but since the rape I've not made new friends. Not really. I've made work acquaintances, and people to go out to town with but I've lost so many and gained nothing.
I just want to know everything that everyone is thinking, but I don't. I don't know how I'm going to carry on.
I want my complaints to be heard and to be relevant - if I don't complain, then who's to say I'm not going to start cutting again, or smoking, or taking drugs again? I've already become dependant on drink again. If I don't get it out this way, I'll just hurt myself.
Ever since Aaron left my university it's like my support has just gone and I'm terrified because I feel like I've just lost all of my friends. People keep comparing me to my past self and I wish I could be that naive and sympathetic towards everyone but I can't because I don't trust now. Nice guys are people I have to watch myself around in case they abuse me, and my friends are people who might be silently judging me. I can just feel everyone hiding stuff from me, and not telling me how they feel. The one guy, besides Aaron, that I really let in and told about all of the rape and the abuse seemed to understand - until he started feeling me up when no one was watching. I never thought it was something that he was capable of, because I felt like my old self around him. He just proved me right - I let my guard down and he abused me too.
Just last night one friend said that they thought I was a beautiful person, and that I'm always so kind to people. It hurt because she doesn't know me anymore, and the last time she really knew me was before all of the stuff happened and before I lost all my innocence. Now I just can't help but hate everything, I want to complain about everything and I want to hurt people who do me wrong and that's not how I used to be. I just feel like this scared child who is losing everything and her family or friends don't care because they can't see past the physical appearance.
My mum can't wait for me to leave, and to my dad I'm just background noise. My sister has got away, and she's started a new life and brought a new life into the world, something that adores her and relies on her. Who relies on me? I used to love the person that I was, and everyone seemed to love me too even if I could be annoyingly innocent. Now I pick faults in everything as a defence mechanism and people just don't want to know.
I just want to leave for university and start fresh, go back to who I was. I keep saying it to Aaron, that I'm going to get better and that I'm going to change. Truth is, I don't think I have it in me. There has just been this slow transition into something I hate for two years and it's not stopping. It would take longer to reverse that and I don't have that kind of time. I feel like I'm losing hours and every minute is wasted.
He just won't get out of my head. The doubt won't either - the people around me who act sympathetic, and then agree but I can see it in their eyes. They don't really believe me. If it was rape, why would I stay so long? Why would I not have changed suddenly? Why did I go off with a new guy so quickly? I don't know, but it was. It was always rape, but how can I fight this idea of victim blaming and stereotypical sexual abuse? I don't feel like the victim. I feel like it was my fault, that I deserved it for giving him a chance. I should never have trusted him, but I did and now I don't think I can ever start a new friendship without silently judging.
That's an interesting point actually. Since the rape - I keep calling it rape, because I've never referred to it as that before and it might give me some kind of closure - but since the rape I've not made new friends. Not really. I've made work acquaintances, and people to go out to town with but I've lost so many and gained nothing.
I just want to know everything that everyone is thinking, but I don't. I don't know how I'm going to carry on.