I've never cried so hard....
(moved from mindsay journal)
and I don't think Eric has either. I was supposed to watch anime with he and Magic the night before I left but I was so angry that I was leaving and Eric wanted to chat it up with my mom and Jon instead... but it wasn't that... he was just waiting for me and I was too stubborn to realize it. I meant to just lie down for a second and cool off and clear my head but instead I woke up at 5:30AM in a frenzy realizing the boys were gone. I started crying and finishing my entry from earlier that night and I couldn't stop crying about how stupid I was...
I can't believe I missed him! I'm so dumb! Why do I have have to be so dumb?!
If you read a the last section you might be able to tell where I just broke down...
So immediately I called Eric 6 or 7 times trying desperately to get him to spend the last 4 hours I had left in Brentwood with me. He answered the final time rather cheerfully and explained he meant to get up at 5 but must have slept through his alarm. He came and picked me up about 15 min later and told me that he'd always wanted to watch the sunrise on his roof with a girl, but just never found the right one, until now. We grabbed a blanket and waited a rather emotional and chilly 45 min until th sun peeked over the houses down the block. And then we fell asleep in his bed for about 20 min... or rather, I fell asleep from exhaustion and tears while he watched...
I'm gonna start crying soon.
Then he ran some errans with me, helped me load up, fetched me a grande mocha with a shot of rasberry (Mmmm my favorite) and was about to put some pictures and books I gave him in the car when I grabbed him in a frenzy that surpirsed even me and said "Please hold my hand until I leave! Please don't let go..." and he laughed and I started crying (like I am now) and let go to my dismay.
Then he wrapped his arms around me and cradeled my head while I sobbed. I tried to make jokes about my nose being squished and getting flatter then it already was, and he chortled so then I threatened to blow my boogers on his shirt. I looked up to see his reactions and he had tears coming down both eyes. You wouldn't have even known he was upset lest his face been wet- beautiful as always.
And then it hit us. We hadn't let it before, our time together was too filled with laughing and chasing and movies and food and late nights and film-talk... we forget to get ready to feel really bad... so it hit hard. Tears that infrequented either of our eyes came streaming down and I thought I was going to be sick from saddness. I've never seen him cry, I saw a tear once, but I'd neer seen him cry. We kissed and held each other knowing that each was our "last" and stealing another after another until my mom beckened from the car to leave.
He kissed my head, I kissed his chest. I kissed his lips as many times as I could before my mouth furrowed into it's pout or pain, and he let his lips linger again on my head. I couldn't stop holding him. I smiled as much as I could, and he threw his head back trying to fight waterin his eyes. Finally I held his head as close as I could, gave him the best "last" kiss I could manage, and started to walk away. I had to let go or his hand, so to help, I kissed his knuckles when I let go. I got in the car and found my mom bawling harder then I was and she relunctantly admitted that watching Eric's heart break was surely harder then letting her oldest go off to college.
I cried for so long. When we drove by his car he had finally shed his tranquility and peace of mind and given into awful boughts of red grief. I texted Tad and told him I thought I was going to die, literally... He called 20 min later and we cried some more together, he kind of crying you think will never ever end, the kind that stops your breath and makes your eyes nearly bleed and turns your stomach until you wish more that you had lost a limb.
I called him again an hour later and talked him to sleep with sniffles instead of tears and whispers. He woke three hours later while I was depositing my things at Bass Lake. No tears this time, his voice was steadier and he informed me he spent a lot of time in prayer and awoke with an overwhelming sense that "everything is going to be alright."
It's not that either of us have stopped hurting in the last 12 hours, we are far from that... but there is hope. Honestly I stil have yet to feel that, but I have yet to sleep a night under God's watch during my grieving.
This hurts so much. I don't know what to do with myself. I want him to drive down here, to my grandmother's (four hours away) to kiss him one last time. To do it right and not frown. Just one last time. Tell him I love him from the bottom of my heart and that he was the best to me anyone ever was, just one more time. Remind him I'll always be there for him and tell him I wish I treated him better and hug him and hold him just one time. Just once.
I'll always always always love you, Eric. It may be different in the far off future, but because of the decision we made it will be forever. I love you, I miss you, I love you. You are the best.
and I don't think Eric has either. I was supposed to watch anime with he and Magic the night before I left but I was so angry that I was leaving and Eric wanted to chat it up with my mom and Jon instead... but it wasn't that... he was just waiting for me and I was too stubborn to realize it. I meant to just lie down for a second and cool off and clear my head but instead I woke up at 5:30AM in a frenzy realizing the boys were gone. I started crying and finishing my entry from earlier that night and I couldn't stop crying about how stupid I was...
I can't believe I missed him! I'm so dumb! Why do I have have to be so dumb?!
If you read a the last section you might be able to tell where I just broke down...
So immediately I called Eric 6 or 7 times trying desperately to get him to spend the last 4 hours I had left in Brentwood with me. He answered the final time rather cheerfully and explained he meant to get up at 5 but must have slept through his alarm. He came and picked me up about 15 min later and told me that he'd always wanted to watch the sunrise on his roof with a girl, but just never found the right one, until now. We grabbed a blanket and waited a rather emotional and chilly 45 min until th sun peeked over the houses down the block. And then we fell asleep in his bed for about 20 min... or rather, I fell asleep from exhaustion and tears while he watched...
I'm gonna start crying soon.
Then he ran some errans with me, helped me load up, fetched me a grande mocha with a shot of rasberry (Mmmm my favorite) and was about to put some pictures and books I gave him in the car when I grabbed him in a frenzy that surpirsed even me and said "Please hold my hand until I leave! Please don't let go..." and he laughed and I started crying (like I am now) and let go to my dismay.
Then he wrapped his arms around me and cradeled my head while I sobbed. I tried to make jokes about my nose being squished and getting flatter then it already was, and he chortled so then I threatened to blow my boogers on his shirt. I looked up to see his reactions and he had tears coming down both eyes. You wouldn't have even known he was upset lest his face been wet- beautiful as always.
And then it hit us. We hadn't let it before, our time together was too filled with laughing and chasing and movies and food and late nights and film-talk... we forget to get ready to feel really bad... so it hit hard. Tears that infrequented either of our eyes came streaming down and I thought I was going to be sick from saddness. I've never seen him cry, I saw a tear once, but I'd neer seen him cry. We kissed and held each other knowing that each was our "last" and stealing another after another until my mom beckened from the car to leave.
He kissed my head, I kissed his chest. I kissed his lips as many times as I could before my mouth furrowed into it's pout or pain, and he let his lips linger again on my head. I couldn't stop holding him. I smiled as much as I could, and he threw his head back trying to fight waterin his eyes. Finally I held his head as close as I could, gave him the best "last" kiss I could manage, and started to walk away. I had to let go or his hand, so to help, I kissed his knuckles when I let go. I got in the car and found my mom bawling harder then I was and she relunctantly admitted that watching Eric's heart break was surely harder then letting her oldest go off to college.
I cried for so long. When we drove by his car he had finally shed his tranquility and peace of mind and given into awful boughts of red grief. I texted Tad and told him I thought I was going to die, literally... He called 20 min later and we cried some more together, he kind of crying you think will never ever end, the kind that stops your breath and makes your eyes nearly bleed and turns your stomach until you wish more that you had lost a limb.
I called him again an hour later and talked him to sleep with sniffles instead of tears and whispers. He woke three hours later while I was depositing my things at Bass Lake. No tears this time, his voice was steadier and he informed me he spent a lot of time in prayer and awoke with an overwhelming sense that "everything is going to be alright."
It's not that either of us have stopped hurting in the last 12 hours, we are far from that... but there is hope. Honestly I stil have yet to feel that, but I have yet to sleep a night under God's watch during my grieving.
This hurts so much. I don't know what to do with myself. I want him to drive down here, to my grandmother's (four hours away) to kiss him one last time. To do it right and not frown. Just one last time. Tell him I love him from the bottom of my heart and that he was the best to me anyone ever was, just one more time. Remind him I'll always be there for him and tell him I wish I treated him better and hug him and hold him just one time. Just once.
I'll always always always love you, Eric. It may be different in the far off future, but because of the decision we made it will be forever. I love you, I miss you, I love you. You are the best.