post vacaion
so, your ever-favorite minor diety of mud is back and present.
went to wisconsin dells, blah blah fun time, but you're not REALLY interested in that... so here goes =)
over the course of the three days in the dells, i learned many a thing.
for instance, we had 5 people sharing one bedroom. 5 people. this was retarded. it was a nice room and all, but this was obviously the deception of some evil spirit.
there was only one bathroom, one toilet, one sink. right off the bat, you can tell that although furnished better than a dorm room, the actual living conditions are far far worse. additionally, i had to live in here with my immediate family + grandma, and not 5 cool people.
additionally, erin demanded to be a princess and to be treated as such, so she got a bed to herself. my mom slept with grandma, and my dad with me on the pull-out sofa bed that decided to taper off near the top, preventing me from ever laying down in any type of standard posture allowed by the human body. of course, erin got 2 pillows my dad had 2 pillows, while i had claims to only one that wasn't nearly high enough to make my head even parallel to my body. additionally, i was always last to be able to use the bathroom, thus stumbling around a completely dark room in which everyone else was asleep and constantly nailing myself on the furniture. damn me and my tendency to defer. i swear, my parents beat that into me at a young age. literally. i think the stick they beat me with (prior to breaking it on me) had "defer or die!" written on it. damn erin for being the second child. i paved the way, and she had it easier (especially after they broke that stick on my hand). just ask her; she admits to it. altho i'm probably more well-liked right now, that's only because i'm not at home. she's the favorite, all things being equal.
i digress, back to the funnies...
well, here i am on the pull-out couch. this is when i discover that this is a horrible situation. every time my dad so much as moves a hand, i feel it. for those of you that haven't slept with me, (this is the exact reason why i probably haven't slept with any of you. otherwise... rrrr.... patrick/brett... mmmm... ;-D) i am an extraordinarily light sleeper. i wake whenever the slightest noise / movement is made. if you share a bed with me, when you wake up, you'll notice me already awake, since the process of you rubbing your eyes / scratching your balls has woken me up. so just in case, fuck you in advance.
not only this, but somehow, during his sleep, my dad has a tendency to snap his toes. like how some people like to snap their fingers, he does this for some reason, but while unconscious. for the life of me, i cannot figure this out. so it shakes the bed, and makes this snapping sound. it's weird.
to top this off, my grandma and my mom snore like babies. that is, screaming babies receiving anal suppositories the size of ostrich eggs. the first night, they were definitively having a subconscious competition on who could snore the loudest. they kept one-upping each other up until the point where my sister would reach over, rub my mom's arm or kick her, and then she'd stop for a short while. i could barely stop laughing at the sound, which of course shook the bed and woke my dad.
long story short, couldn't sleep a wink for a good long time.
the second night, already tired as fuck, my mom and grandma go at it again. this time, they had stopped the competition and had decided to orchestrate a piece together. there were highs and lows, build-ups and denouments, and probably even a coda with a drawn out finale. the snores varied richly and widely. this time, my sister couldn't help but giggle, and of course, this set me off. i was probably shaking the bed uncontrollably, and at one point, i had to leave the room so i could crack up completely and get it out of my system. i was almost on the floor. this time, my dad actually got up, woke my mom up, told her she had woken the rest of us up and asked if she could go to sleep a little later otherwise the rest of us would be up all night.
this worked for my dad and my sister. unfortunately, as usual, my dad snaps his feet, my mom and grandma still snored, and i'm still as pissed and tired as fuck.
and to top it all off, when i stepped into the shower for the first time, i noticed that there was this stuff in the bathtub labeled "body/hair shampoo and lotion." FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY DO NOT USE THIS SHIT because it is the devil's creation
it takes everything bad and evil from body soap, shampoo, and lotion, and just mixes it in one large cauldron of boiling death. it receives several curses from the branches of wicca, sorcery, and the roman-catholic church. they let it cool and congeal for 48 hours, add some unadulterated evil, and then bottle it for shipping at their new york plant. the result is that it barely washes off, hardly cleans, tingles like a dandruff shampoo, and it doesn't lather at all; it just sorta rubs into your skin and hair.
the result is that if you use it on your skin, you use a lot, and you can't tell whether or not it's working because it doesn't lather. if you use it in your hair, it still doesn't lather, and the end result is like putting a lot of soap and lotion in your hair: greasy, tangly and icky. impossible to wash that lotion-y stuff out, no matter how hard you try.
additionally, if you put it on your penis...
alright, sorry for the shock. for those of you that didn't know that i had a penis: stop, think, regain bearings, take a deep breath, accept it, and move on.
in any case, when this product of the unholy demon-forges of hell was placed on my penis and i attempted to lather (most of you are going to think "masturbate" here, but i swear. it was just "lather". i was in too close quarters with the rest of my family to even think about attempting), it's like the tingling portion decided to kick in extra-hard when applied to the penis. as i started to rub it in more, it started to BURN! i had noticed this before when washing this one rash of mine, but i figured the burning was just from scratching the rash too much. nooooo... it REALLY decided to burn. my mind was saying something on the level of "holyfuckingfuckmydicksonfire" and my body was desperately trying to wash off this acidic goat-cum of satan. my heart was telling me something along the lines of "you're not really gonna use that thing anyways. and you know you can just pee thru a straw they attach to your bladder."
he's sucha cunt-bastard.
needless to say, after this whole escapade, with the lack of sleep and the penis-burn, i fuckin' hated our hotel.
thus ends the educational process of the dells.
went to wisconsin dells, blah blah fun time, but you're not REALLY interested in that... so here goes =)
over the course of the three days in the dells, i learned many a thing.
for instance, we had 5 people sharing one bedroom. 5 people. this was retarded. it was a nice room and all, but this was obviously the deception of some evil spirit.
there was only one bathroom, one toilet, one sink. right off the bat, you can tell that although furnished better than a dorm room, the actual living conditions are far far worse. additionally, i had to live in here with my immediate family + grandma, and not 5 cool people.
additionally, erin demanded to be a princess and to be treated as such, so she got a bed to herself. my mom slept with grandma, and my dad with me on the pull-out sofa bed that decided to taper off near the top, preventing me from ever laying down in any type of standard posture allowed by the human body. of course, erin got 2 pillows my dad had 2 pillows, while i had claims to only one that wasn't nearly high enough to make my head even parallel to my body. additionally, i was always last to be able to use the bathroom, thus stumbling around a completely dark room in which everyone else was asleep and constantly nailing myself on the furniture. damn me and my tendency to defer. i swear, my parents beat that into me at a young age. literally. i think the stick they beat me with (prior to breaking it on me) had "defer or die!" written on it. damn erin for being the second child. i paved the way, and she had it easier (especially after they broke that stick on my hand). just ask her; she admits to it. altho i'm probably more well-liked right now, that's only because i'm not at home. she's the favorite, all things being equal.
i digress, back to the funnies...
well, here i am on the pull-out couch. this is when i discover that this is a horrible situation. every time my dad so much as moves a hand, i feel it. for those of you that haven't slept with me, (this is the exact reason why i probably haven't slept with any of you. otherwise... rrrr.... patrick/brett... mmmm... ;-D) i am an extraordinarily light sleeper. i wake whenever the slightest noise / movement is made. if you share a bed with me, when you wake up, you'll notice me already awake, since the process of you rubbing your eyes / scratching your balls has woken me up. so just in case, fuck you in advance.
not only this, but somehow, during his sleep, my dad has a tendency to snap his toes. like how some people like to snap their fingers, he does this for some reason, but while unconscious. for the life of me, i cannot figure this out. so it shakes the bed, and makes this snapping sound. it's weird.
to top this off, my grandma and my mom snore like babies. that is, screaming babies receiving anal suppositories the size of ostrich eggs. the first night, they were definitively having a subconscious competition on who could snore the loudest. they kept one-upping each other up until the point where my sister would reach over, rub my mom's arm or kick her, and then she'd stop for a short while. i could barely stop laughing at the sound, which of course shook the bed and woke my dad.
long story short, couldn't sleep a wink for a good long time.
the second night, already tired as fuck, my mom and grandma go at it again. this time, they had stopped the competition and had decided to orchestrate a piece together. there were highs and lows, build-ups and denouments, and probably even a coda with a drawn out finale. the snores varied richly and widely. this time, my sister couldn't help but giggle, and of course, this set me off. i was probably shaking the bed uncontrollably, and at one point, i had to leave the room so i could crack up completely and get it out of my system. i was almost on the floor. this time, my dad actually got up, woke my mom up, told her she had woken the rest of us up and asked if she could go to sleep a little later otherwise the rest of us would be up all night.
this worked for my dad and my sister. unfortunately, as usual, my dad snaps his feet, my mom and grandma still snored, and i'm still as pissed and tired as fuck.
and to top it all off, when i stepped into the shower for the first time, i noticed that there was this stuff in the bathtub labeled "body/hair shampoo and lotion." FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY DO NOT USE THIS SHIT because it is the devil's creation
it takes everything bad and evil from body soap, shampoo, and lotion, and just mixes it in one large cauldron of boiling death. it receives several curses from the branches of wicca, sorcery, and the roman-catholic church. they let it cool and congeal for 48 hours, add some unadulterated evil, and then bottle it for shipping at their new york plant. the result is that it barely washes off, hardly cleans, tingles like a dandruff shampoo, and it doesn't lather at all; it just sorta rubs into your skin and hair.
the result is that if you use it on your skin, you use a lot, and you can't tell whether or not it's working because it doesn't lather. if you use it in your hair, it still doesn't lather, and the end result is like putting a lot of soap and lotion in your hair: greasy, tangly and icky. impossible to wash that lotion-y stuff out, no matter how hard you try.
additionally, if you put it on your penis...
alright, sorry for the shock. for those of you that didn't know that i had a penis: stop, think, regain bearings, take a deep breath, accept it, and move on.
in any case, when this product of the unholy demon-forges of hell was placed on my penis and i attempted to lather (most of you are going to think "masturbate" here, but i swear. it was just "lather". i was in too close quarters with the rest of my family to even think about attempting), it's like the tingling portion decided to kick in extra-hard when applied to the penis. as i started to rub it in more, it started to BURN! i had noticed this before when washing this one rash of mine, but i figured the burning was just from scratching the rash too much. nooooo... it REALLY decided to burn. my mind was saying something on the level of "holyfuckingfuckmydicksonfire" and my body was desperately trying to wash off this acidic goat-cum of satan. my heart was telling me something along the lines of "you're not really gonna use that thing anyways. and you know you can just pee thru a straw they attach to your bladder."
he's sucha cunt-bastard.
needless to say, after this whole escapade, with the lack of sleep and the penis-burn, i fuckin' hated our hotel.
thus ends the educational process of the dells.