(no subject)
I will always be suicidal. I may suppress the urge for months, even years, but it will return inevitably. It's difficult to believe it's been 7 years. 7 years? Just yesterday, I was marveling at how it's been 5.
I am lonely.
I wonder why that is.
Not for the first time, I wonder at it all.
Suicidality is comforting. It is a cold, familiar comfort. I lack even the passion for that now. I was with someone recently. We took a lift up a mountain and I looked out and wished to see it again when I died. I could not enjoy the view in the moment. Somehow, I was unable. There is a part of me that remains empty and untouched, frustrated and unfulfilled.
Tell me, what is my purpose?
Part of me misses that hateful darkness of my youth.
I am lonely.
I wonder why that is.
Not for the first time, I wonder at it all.
Suicidality is comforting. It is a cold, familiar comfort. I lack even the passion for that now. I was with someone recently. We took a lift up a mountain and I looked out and wished to see it again when I died. I could not enjoy the view in the moment. Somehow, I was unable. There is a part of me that remains empty and untouched, frustrated and unfulfilled.
Tell me, what is my purpose?
Part of me misses that hateful darkness of my youth.