The Dichotomy Between Me and Me: Chapter 6
Title: The Dichotomy Between Me and Me
Rating: M
Characters: Saïx, Xemnas, Marluxia, Xigbar, Axel, Larxene
Pairings: Xemnas/Saïx, Xemnas/Fem!Saïx, Marluxia/Saïx, Axel/Larxene
Summary: Saïx lives in two realities. In one, he is an empty shell of a person - a Nobody - searching for his heart. In another, she is a lonely housewife who, post-fugue, is trying to remember who she is, while her emotions run riot and out of control. When Saïx's element of the moon pulls their realities together, what will each Saïx learn from the other, and which one is better off?
Warnings: Genderswitch fic - meaning that Saïx has a lot of screentime as a woman. Also instances of violence, sex, strong language and disturbing themes throughout. Proceed with caution.
Disclaimer: Characters and settings are copyright to Square Enix.
The Dichotomy Between Me and Me
Chapter 6: Dangerous Obsession
July 11th falls on a Friday night, and absolutely nothing happens. While washing up, we both spot the full moon, framed by two mini sunflowers Demyx and Roxas are growing on our windowsill, and we unconsciously act as if it is an asteroid heading straight for us.
"Huh," says Xemnas, wandering back into the kitchen. He continues drying up. "Demyx hasn't brought his lunchbox home. I've just checked his bag."
"Maybe he left it at school," I suggest.
I don't fall asleep for a couple of hours. Instead, I let my imagination run wild in bed as I wonder what this full moon has planned for me. My thoughts range from having a memory wipe at the stroke of midnight, to being dragged out of the house by an invisible force.
But nothing does happen.
At half past one, I hear Xemnas come into the bedroom, just to check I'm still here; and when he does it again at quarter past three, I sit up in bed.
"Sorry," he murmurs straightaway, his hand on the door handle, ready to turn and leave. "I just wanted to-" His silhouette is stark and obvious in the moonlight that spills through the window, and I catch the faint movement of him edging back out the room. "I didn't mean to wake you," he says.
He waits for me to lie down in bed before leaving; I wait for him to leave before calling. "…Stay here?"
Xemnas shuts the door gratefully and pulls off his t-shirt. "Sorry," he says again. "I can't sleep at all." He slides into the cold sheets behind - but not quite touching - me. "I keep thinking that as soon as I nod off, you're going to leave."
"I'm still here," I whisper back. "It's quarter past three and I'm still here."
"Maybe Vexen was right. Maybe the moon's just a coincidence," he murmurs.
"…Maybe." We're too uncertain and tired to think. He just loops his arm around my waist, fingers resting on my stomach, where my womb would have been, in a vain attempt to keep me here with him.
The alarm blares out at seven o'clock, and I wake up with a faint feeling of triumph - over the moon or over the complexities of my mind, I'm not entirely sure. Xemnas has moved closer over the night, with his forehead flush against the back of my neck and his left hand loosely cupping my breast. When he sits up in bed to switch off the alarm, my half-lidded eyes rest on a blue blur on his shoulder blade.
"Hey," I murmur sleepily. I trace the outline of four swallows flying in the smooth tan sky. Absently, I wonder where they're heading. "You have a tattoo."
He pushes his hair out his eyes, turning his head a little. He doesn't say anything, but a weight lifts off him as he realises it's the day after a full moon, and I'm still here. Slowly, as though he is subtly suggesting that I can slide away if I want, he rests on his side and kisses me, gentle and then fierce, silent and then with grateful murmurs. I run my fingers up his spine, guessing where the swallows are on the sharp bone of his shoulder blade.
"…Do you remember when we went to Pelagos," I murmur, "and after we got home, I promised I'd talk to you after the next full moon?"
"I do remember." Gingerly, he strokes back my hair. "Do you want to talk?"
I nod. "I haven't been honest with you. And I think it's time I give a statement - to you, and to Sephiroth."
~o~
"You know what? You needn't worry about a thing. I've been babysitting your brood for years on end, and no one can show 'em a more awesome time than I can. You can put your mind at ease, Mrs Butler, 'cause you just put your kids in the safest pair of hands. I've brought a packet of pasta - I'm going make a mean orechiette with broccoli. Want me to save you some? Oh and if you are having any doubts, I won't say a word to the kids about you having lost your memory, I'll remain tight lipped! No amount of torture or bribery will ever convince me to divulge your secret. I'm one of the most trustworthy people you'll ever meet, Mr Butler, you can vouch for me, can't you?"
I do wonder how Xemnas can hold a conversation with our babysitter Yuffie, without wanting to jam his hands over his ears. "Thanks for coming at such short notice," he says, handing her a note in advance. "We won't be gone long."
"Not a problem, Mr Butler. Like I said, you can put your mind at ease when I'm-"
"Y-yeah, I heard that bit," he cuts in quickly, "and we appreciate it."
We go outside to say goodbye to the kids, and I say to Xemnas in an undertone, "She seems really nice."
"Yeah, she's been our sitter for the last two years. She's definitely good at engaging them. Funny thing is, she borrows a lot of stuff from our house - like movies and pens - and sometimes, it doesn't all quite make it back. So she's an expensive babysitter."
Xion has her toy tea party set out in the garden, and her brothers are humouring her by balancing cups on their noses. I kiss them in turn, and then I straighten to see Marly next door, uprooting a plant mercilessly.
"You work Saturdays?" I greet him. He's knee deep in upturned soil and his dungarees are stained all over.
"I didn't until I met Larxene," he replies. He dusts his hands down his front. "Scary, scary lady." He nods to Xemnas, who's suddenly come up behind me. "I don't think we've been introduced."
"Oh…um, right. Marly, this is my husband Xemnas. Xemnas, Marly's a gardener and a friend…you know, that I remember making," I finish. I just contribute to the tension as they shake hands.
"Pleasure," says Xemnas. He sounds pleased, but his face muscles barely move. In fact, he appears to be on edge, hairs practically standing on end like a threatened dog. Marly stares for an awkward amount of time, looking like he's about to burst out laughing.
"So…Saïx tells me you work in ah…retail," Marly says. There's a split second sneer on his face, but neither Xemnas nor I miss it.
"That's right. It's not a stellar career I admit, but my accomplishments are measured elsewhere. I don't want to be rude - having only just been introduced - but we were actually on our way out."
"No problem," says Marly. "Nice to have met you."
~o~
We walk to the busy centre of town to visit Sephiroth. Xemnas doesn't say a word to me, not even with small talk, so I ask, "Are you angry with me?"
"I'm never angry with you," he replies. He tries to sound offhand and bright, but I discover he's not particularly good at disguising his emotions.
"…Marly was a bit impolite. I'm sorry about that."
"It's nothing you should apologise for don't worry about it."
"…Don't you have a bigger ambition than being a salesman? I'm not scoffing at you or anything," I add quickly, "I'm just curious. I want to know more about you. I mean…you're an intelligent, calculating guy. You could do so much better. You could be the CEO of a company, or the leader of…some shady organisation."
He laughs. "Where do you get these ideas from?" He makes a move to perhaps feel for my waist, but he changes his mind at the last minute.
"Do you want to hold my hand?" I ask randomly. "Are we the type of couple who like to hold hands? I'm not really sure."
"We don't usually. But if you feel like it…well, I won't protest." He gives me an elusive look, but to my utter dismay, my hand remains locked at my side. By some unimaginable willpower, he appears unaffected. We carry on walking, further apart than ever, and it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
"Oh," he says, after five minutes of torturous silence. "I didn't answer your question. My father was in the army."
"Oh," I repeat awkwardly.
"As respectable as his job was, we didn't really know him. We knew we had a father - and he knew he had three sons - but the affection was never natural, just obligatory. I'm a salesman because I want to be a part of our children's lives. I want them to see their father in the doorway when he comes home, not a complete stranger."
My breaths hitch in my throat as a lump of appreciation grows within me. "…I do think you're incredible with the kids," I admit.
"Anyway. Sephiroth." Xemnas gets back on track. "Are you sure you want to talk to him? I mean, Seph's a bit…intense at his job, a bit hard hitting."
"It's all right."
"Sure?"
"I'm sure. You both deserve the truth."
"Well, you're a braver person than me. Let me know if he's too much for you - I'll tell him to back off."
The door is already open when we arrive at Sephiroth's flat. We wander into a futuristic themed lounge, which doubles as his dining room. Sephiroth has already cracked open a bottle of sparkling water and on the coffee table, there waits a policeman's notebook and a recording device.
"Hey. Thanks for having us," greets Xemnas, when Sephiroth wanders out of his bedroom, dressed in a suit.
"I have to head back to the station straight after your statement," he explains, when he catches me staring at his formalwear. "Take a seat."
I have little to no time to admire the modern, minimalistic surroundings of black and white, but from what I do see, Sephiroth's remarkable taste is evident. The washed-out walls boast bright canvas art and shelves with asymmetrical dividers. The furniture vertices are all curved and the charcoal surface of the coffee table reflects the warm spotlights dotted across the ceiling. I feel wrapped up in the neutral colours that dominate the room, to the point that when I sink into a leather sofa in a mesh frame, I attain a sense of complete conviction.
Sephiroth remains standing, surveying us over the rim of his glass. "First of all, well done. Any information you give will assist in bringing your perpetrator to justice. Your statement will be treated as confidential and of course, without fear of repercussions. The police's primary duty is to protect you. However-" he finally sits down, picking the armchair diagonally opposite me "-while I am first and foremost a detective, I'm also your brother-in-law. I work hard to not let this cloud my vision, but I cannot help feeling hopeful that the reason why you have brought Xemnas along, is to let him off the hook. My hook, to be precise."
"Yes, that's right." I squeeze Xemnas' hand. "I went missing for a month, but he had nothing to do with it."
"But there was a third party involved?" Sephiroth questions. He flicks on the recording device and begins to scribble in his notebook.
"Yes, there was a third party."
"Can you tell me what he or she looked like?"
"Like me."
In retrospect, I will find Sephiroth and Xemnas' expressions to be quite humorous. Their look of confusion, melded with what could be disdain, is so exact they look like brothers more than ever.
"…Like you," Sephiroth repeats flatly. His nose wrinkles in displeasure. "You are saying someone impersonated you and proceeded to kidnap you? Why?"
I shake my head. "No, no one impersonated me. The third party is me. I did it all. From the cross on my face to making myself disappear for a month."
"A personality split," Sephiroth tries next. "I'm sorry, Saïx. Your doctor had you tested for any mental disorder and you proved very sane. Unless you want to go back and-"
"It's not a split either."
"Then what is it?"
Xemnas shuffles forward in his seat. He takes my hands and ducks his head a little, which is a stance I have seen him adopt when he informed Roxas he was too young for a skateboard. "Honey, you're not making sense. If you really can't remember what happened, you don't have to pretend or try and please us. You're allowed to forget."
I swallow. For some reason - despite being wrapped in Xemnas' arms and coaxing words - I can only really hear and feel the cool air of that other universe. "You said I could tell you anything."
"Of course, anything you like," reaffirms Xemnas.
"Then the truth is this: I don't remember anything about my disappearance. I don't know why I packed my bag or where I went or how I got there. Everything up until the point I realised I was in a psychiatric ward is blank."
Sephiroth pulls a faint grimace of disappointment. "That's very unfortunate, Saïx."
"But I'm recalling things. Things that happened, but not to me. It was frightening at first and I've kept it secret, but he…he encouraged that I communicate with people this side of the universe."
"As opposed to what side?"
"His side."
"Can you specify who 'he' is?"
"It's me." I have the sudden urge to fidget, to have somewhere to look, so I pull Xemnas' arm to my lap and grab his sleeve. "There's another me. He's me, but in another universe."
It takes a minute or so for the words to sink in. The only sound is the faint hum of the recording device, and then Sephiroth rests his elbows on his knees. "…Oh, Saïx," he sighs. "God how do I explain this…When…when people are traumatised, they create defence mechanisms. Things to protect them, things to ease the pain of the past. Sometimes, creating an imaginary life makes the real world a bit more welcoming. Do you think that what we're seeing in you is a case like this?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because it's real. I…I talk to him." I cringe a moment too late. "Listen, I know I sound mad, but that Saïx has kept me sane and positive, if anything. I came into this world so lonely and scared. He makes me feel better about myself; he understands me, and I can talk to him without fear of being rejected. We have a connection."
Sephiroth's eyebrows furrow together. Most of Xemnas' face is hidden from view by his hair, but I'm quite certain he's despairing.
"…Tell me about this connection," Sephiroth says, quick in collecting himself.
"It started perhaps a day or two after I regained my identity in hospital. I started remembering things. Recalling a life that wasn't my own but still, felt like they had been done by my own hands. After a while, these dreams feel like memories. I bear witness to the other Saïx's life, and he witnesses mine."
"Can you tell what he's doing now?"
I shake my head. "No. It hits in small goes. I randomly remember, like a daily episode of a TV programme."
"And this…Other Saïx," Sephiroth tests carefully. "I don't suppose we can meet him, can we?"
I bite my lip. "I'm afraid not."
"So he's an imaginary friend." Sephiroth holds up a long fingered hand to silence my dissent. "But he feels real to you. To cope with the stress of resuming a normal life, you created a friend who listens to and supports you. You created another world to get lost in, because you reject this one." He scratches the back of his head in thought. "That would be the logical explanation, but you seem insulted by it."
Xemnas gives me an inscrutable look, but his grip on my hand tightens. "How about we suspend our disbelief for a bit?"
"Sure," Sephiroth murmurs. "I apologise, Saïx."
"I know it's unbelievable. Other Saïx too had trouble convincing Other Xemnas-"
"Other Xemnas?" Xemnas cuts in. "I'm there?"
I nod. "Other Xemnas is Other Saïx's boss."
"What a peculiar arrangement," remarks Sephiroth, "given that the Xemnas here is unusually uxorious. What about Other Seph?"
"…Sorry, Other Saïx doesn't know him." I wriggle forwards on my seat, fighting the strong hold of squishy cushions. "Look, Detective, you don't have to believe me, but I thought I'd let you know so that you don't waste time searching for a perpetrator. There isn't one. The moons in both universes must have aligned or something and it made me disappear."
"What does the moon have to do with it?" Sephiroth blinks and studies his file on me. "You disappeared, came back and recovered - all on full moons, but nothing marks it as more than a coincidence."
"The moon matters because that's Other Saïx's element," I explain. "He um…harnesses his power from the moon. We both think that the two moons must have fallen in time and forged a link between universes. Other Saïx is still getting used to his element. That's why it's only hit now."
"And this full moon just gone? What happened then?"
I exchange glances with Xemnas. "…Nothing," I admit. "But still, we're only just starting to discover more about one another. Soon, it'll be an incredible plus-"
"You think it's a plus?" comments Sephiroth. "Imagine if it is real, Saïx. Heck, imagine if it isn't. Either way, it's going to become a dangerous obsession. Are you really ready to abandon this life, all for a world you're not part of? People have enough on their plates with one life. How are you going to cope with two?"
I clench and unclench my hands. The absurdity of my situation is only emphasised when Sephiroth keeps struggling to make notes. "…It's not like I had a choice, Detective," I reply finally. "It just happened. The moon made us meet, and on one specific night, I was beamed up to his world, like an alien abduction."
A long pause follows. Most of the time, we just sit still and concentrate on the glasses of sparkling water. Xemnas breaks the silence a few minutes later. "Does it hurt?"
It's such an outlandish question, one that bounces right off the court of awkward conversation between Sephiroth and me. "I mean, you have someone else's universe and life squashed into your mind without your consent. Regardless of if it's real or not…I was just wondering if it hurts."
Going by the long silence that follows, it's clear that Sephiroth and I never considered such a point. "…It doesn't hurt," I answer. "Actually, it's quite comforting, having him around. And Demyx is there, Xemnas." My voice wobbles with enthrallment and giddiness. "I've seen what he looks like when he's grown up - he's beautiful, so beautiful. A-and Luxord is there too. In the Organisation there's currently ten members - people I've met there but not necessarily here in this universe."
Sephiroth clicks his pen on and off in thought. When he opts to take a long sip of his drink, I realise then that I am asking for too much. "Do you know what my problem is, Saïx? What keeps me back from believing you?"
"There's no proof?" I suggest. Sephiroth gives a weary smile but somehow, he retains his youthful look.
"My problem is that I want to believe you. I want it all to be true. If the idea of a parallel universe wasn't so laughable, it'd make complete sense. It'd be great to blame your disappearance and your memory loss to the moon and say you're allergic to a hulking bit of rock in space. No suspect, no trial, no physical danger or threat to you yet." Sephiroth sighs, raking his hair. "But if we do take your word, believe this set of events…where does that leave us? How are we supposed to protect you from something we can't reach?"
I catch Xemnas nodding a little out the corner of my eye. "The prospect of a parallel universe is daunting, but not nearly as much as us having to acknowledge we're powerless to help you."
I squirm, too flattered to be comfortable. "…I do have a question, Detective," I say. "You…you said 'yet'. No physical danger or threat to me yet. Do you mean the doctors might try and take me away?"
A dark look crosses Sephiroth's face. "Saïx, have you told anyone else about your ability?"
He's so stern that I stammer, "No Sir…"
"Good. Keep it that way." He reaches forward to retrieve his recording device. "I'm going to delete this, so that there's no record of what you can do."
"Is it because it's all insane talk?"
"It's because if what you're saying is true, then that gives you immeasurable value," Sephiroth cuts in sharply. "You disappeared for a whole month. You were in another universe. God knows how you did it and if you still can, but talking of this ability will undoubtedly attract the wrong people. Promise me you won't say anything to anyone - not even to your kids or your gossip girlfriend Larxene."
"I promise."
~o~
On the way back home, while crossing Lost Saint's Bridge, Xemnas clears his throat. "I love you," he says abruptly. I flush, swallowing with embarrassment. "And I believe you," he adds. "I…well, I want you to know those two things." He catches me biting my lip. "I wasn't trying to put you on the spot or anything. I just want you to know. You were really brave, and I admire you for speaking the truth."
"…Thank you," I mumble, and the rest of the walk is silent.
"Welcome back, guys!" says Yuffie, as soon as Xemnas unlocks the front door. "We're in the kitchen. Oh my god guys, I know it looks a mess but I promise I had every intention of getting it all spick and span."
Xemnas and I snort at the sight of our kids caked in icing decorations. It's pretty difficult to kiss them without transferring the mess. They appear to be halfway through designing their own gingerbread men. Demyx has crumbs and multi-coloured sugared confectionary all down his front, while Roxas is eating cake decorations straight from the pot, gingerbread man abandoned. Xion screams in protest when Xemnas lifts her off the kitchen counter, and retaliates by shoving a gooey, icing and slobber covered hand into his face.
"Three small children on a sugar high," Xemnas says in an undertone. "This should be fun."
He reaches into his back pocket for his wallet; I tell him I'm going to nip upstairs to the loo. I dart out of the dining room with Demyx in tow. "Are you going to eat the gingerbread man I made?" he asks.
"It'd be a shame to eat it, it's so good," I enthuse. "But I am rather hungry. Let me just go to the bathroom; I'll be right down."
I head up the stairs, two at a time. Without warning, I catch my foot on a spongy strap and I stumble and fall over, to the fanfare of crashing metal. "Ouch!"
"You okay?" Xemnas calls from downstairs.
"F-fine," I manage. "Just…ugh, don't leave your schoolbag lying around please, Demyx."
"I'm sorry," he mumbles. I rub my side and start to tidy up. His pencil tin is wide open and as I put the pencils away one by one, I realise they're all blunt and broken. Some are even snapped in half. "I don't suppose your lessons bore you, do they?" I remark.
Demyx sits on the last step and shrugs. "A bit." He nurses my side for me, in a gesture so sweet that the pain is almost worth it. "I'm really sorry, Mama."
"That's okay. I should have watched where I was going." I pick up his exercise books and slot them back into his bag one by one. However, I pause on his homework diary. There are colourful scribbles on the cover, as though Demyx has gone mad trying to get his pens to work.
"Okay, so you must be really bored at school," I joke, ruffling his hair.
He grins and laughs. "They're quite pretty aren't they?"
And then I turn the page, and discover the reason for Demyx's smile is absolutely sickening. "Oh my god," I breathe. It's so faint, because Demyx has tried to rub out the colouring pencil's mark as much as possible, but I can read it all the same.
Mummy didn't want you.
Every page, where Demyx has done his best to write down his homework, there's a foreign hand besmirching it. Demyx is stupid. You have no family. Fake. No one wants you. As the pages turn, the insults become bolder, meaner, and the bully discovers his point is better made when he uses a felt tip.
You are ugly! You're stupid. You shouldn't have been born.
Carefully, Demyx takes the homework diary from my limp hands. I think back to the occasion when he came home from school with a frayed trouser hem, when he 'fell over'; I wonder about the missing lunchbox.
"My god, Demyx," I murmur, "why didn't you say?"
"You already know, Mama," he replies, blinking in confusion. "It's Kadaj and his brothers. I…I ignore them like you say."
"I tell you to ignore them?" He nods. "And it works?"
"Sometimes," he responds. "You always say, don't you? You chose me, and that's why they're jealous."
I cringe at the way he recites the phrase I must have once force-fed him. "That's right. I wanted you more than anything else in the world." I stroke his unkempt fringe, try to hide the furious tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. There's a derisive scoff waiting to be let out, but I bite down hard on my tongue and pretend to be unaffected by the burn of self-hatred.
"I don't mind really," Demyx mutters unconvincingly, "but it's sometimes hard to read what homework I have. And I'm sorry, Mama. They took my lunchbox."
"How long has this been going on for?" I demand, so so cross with myself, yet when Demyx struggles to come up with an answer, all that rage just falls apart as scattered shards of disappointment and helplessness.
The taste of guilt wells up within me, at my poor ability in protecting him. From the dark recesses of vindictiveness in me, I take Demyx's shoulders and run my hands up to his cheeks. "Look at me, my baby." I catch my reflection in his eyes, and for the briefest yet longest of moments, it might be Other Saïx staring back. "I'm going to save you."
~x~
Her explanation is perfect, word for word, and while her Xemnas believes her, even finds it in himself to love her, his Xemnas finds the advantage and true might of the moon to be quite an insult.
To the common observer, Saïx is the new second-in-command because he's smarter and prettier than the old deputy, Xigbar. But like the tangled thorns nestled in a flourishing rose bush, the harmony between superior and subordinate is just the cover to a tumultuous need to outsmart one another.
Saïx knows how it feels to have a heart. He feels so strongly that he wakes up burning hot in a stone cold room, night after night, convinced he's at her home and in her bed. Oftentimes, he bumps into Demyx in the corridor, and has to catch himself before he compliments him, and twists his tongue so that he barks out orders instead. The moon has lassoed a world of hearts to him, where the intricate emotions and complications of life run riot, where even silence and their idea of nothing has a sound. He's come so close to accomplishing their mission of attaining a heart, and he's done it without the Organisation's help.
Now it's up to Xemnas, he supposes, to determine whether that initiative deserves reward or if that makes them enemies. To the Superior's credit, he now expresses some form of interest at least. Every other evening is reserved for Saïx, prompting rumours and as much disdain as unfeeling Nobodies can afford, but Saïx lets them guess and assume. It is a small price to pay for his Superior's time.
"The heart is incredible," Saïx says one evening. "It runs through so many emotions at so many levels of intensity, it is no wonder why we are so lost without it. The other me has come to same conclusion: the moon has drawn us together. Besides the people within them, our universes have little in common. Even time is different. Our universe progresses at a faster rate than hers. This is a compilation of diary entries. I have written of her life."
Xemnas gives the book a once over, but for most of the time, he is unmoving in his seat. "Does anything bear significance to our cause?"
"Yes Sir. There are at least three other people in that universe with an X to their name. We will surely be an Organisation of thirteen."
"Very good."
Saïx stretches out in his seat, undecided on where to look as Xemnas reads over his notes. He has deliberately omitted the names of Xion, Roxas and Larxene - the people to come - in case Xemnas warrants more proof.
"Luna Diviner," Xemnas says after a minute. Saïx blinks.
"What is that?"
"Your title - if you will accept it." Xemnas pushes the diary away. "You report here that Other Xemnas rewarded Other Saïx with love. I cannot offer that, but I can give you a change in name, as full acknowledgement and acceptance of your ability."
"Thank you Sir."
Saïx leaves the Superior with his diary, and portals back into the Grey Area to pick up his mission companion.
"You hate being paired up with me," Demyx greets him. "I would've thought that as the new second-in-command, switching partners would be the first thing you'd do."
Saïx draws up a portal to Wonderland. "You'd like that, wouldn't you. However, it is my intention to make you work on your assigned tasks, and if it requires my physical presence, so be it." He conveniently neglects to add that Demyx is the best company to soothe the ache of his soul.
"It's going to be a tough rest of my life." Demyx slouches to the portal, and on reaching Wonderland, he just scowls even more. "Ugh. Why does it always smell like wet paint around here? So…what's our mission? Please let it not be Heartless scanning, I'm begging you, please please pl-"
"We're scanning Heartless," Saïx confirms. Demyx groans. "It's got to be done. Superior's orders." He passes the scanner, but just as Demyx lifts an unenthusiastic hand, Saïx tips it from reach. "I want to ask you something."
Demyx grimaces. "Is it going to be one of those questions where if I get it wrong, I end up doing three times as many missions?"
"No. I don't care what answer you give. I just think it needs to be asked."
"Er…okay then."
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Well, not fine enough to stomach another scanning-wait, was that the question?"
"Yes it was." Saïx watches Demyx's face contort with visible discomfort as he tries and fails to make sense of the situation. His wide eyes are quizzical on first glance, but Saïx knows that of all people, Demyx should never be taken at face value.
"Say if you were someone," Saïx elaborates, "and you discovered a person you care about - someone you're responsible for, who's utterly dependent on you - has been suffering in your lack of judgment. How do you think it feels? How would it make you act?"
Demyx scratches the back of his head, tousling his hair. "If I had a heart? Well…I guess I'd be torn between two options: moving heaven and earth to make things right, and denying I ever did anything wrong. Depends on my moral structure, really. I might do all within my power to make sure the suffering is never incurred again. Conversely, I might turn a blind eye, play dumb, ask things like…well, like, Are you all right? just to make myself feel better."
"The heart is truly a centre of conflict and controversy," Saïx remarks. "I wonder which route she will take."
Demyx's weapon materialises in his hands, and Saïx remembers with a sharp jolt which world he's in. "So…" Demyx says, exaggerating nerves by shifting his weight from foot to foot. "What's this got to do with me?"
"It has nothing to do with you." Saïx tosses the scanner to him with a scowl. "And yet, everything."