Cooking Mama
[Mum!Saïx] A venomous youth drink has turned certain Organisation members into children, and a kitchen apron leads to a dire misunderstanding. Xigbar, fetch a mop; Demyx, clear the kitchen surface. Mama's in the Castle, and he's here for child control.
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts
Rating: T for language
Chars: Saïx, Xemnas, Zexion, Vexen
Genre: Humour
Disclaimer: Characters and setting copyright to Square Enix.
COOKING MAMA
1: Hindsight is a Wonderful Thing
There are three ways to make me despair and want to jump off the highest tower of The Castle That Never Was.
First, you can harass me endlessly by referring to one of the following: mooning, 'that time of the month', werewolf, puppy, X Face, arse licker, MPD, OCD.
Second, you can wrongly credit my authority in the Organisation to sleeping with the boss.
Third, you can hand me said boss when he's turned into a four-year-old, and tell me to play noughts and crosses with him, while listening to him talk about his favourite colours and what he's going to draw tomorrow.
"Draw a circle on my forehead, won't you?"
"Fine."
Let me tell you how Xemnas and I fell from grace. It involves a naïve newcomer, an overly cheerful boss, a poisonous shake and a checked green and yellow apron.
-x-
Yesterday evening, I was making dinner, as usual. (Contrary to popular belief, food does not come out of thin air. It gets bought, prepared and served, all by me.) I was an hour behind my mental schedule and for the first time in a long while, I felt pressure. I had reports to check through and engross, nine members to feed, groceries to stock up on, a new member to integrate; and finally, a boss to make small talk with.
Xemnas has a habit of disturbing me at the most inconvenient of times, often for no reason at all - ergo the small talk. I think he is so used to delegating his work that he often forgets that just because he's free, it doesn't mean everyone else is.
Yesterday was no different. Right when I was getting dinner out of the oven, he remarked, "Is that a new cooker?"
I remember feeling my scar pulse and want to stretch. I was already in a bad mood that day, and did not appreciate being distracted during a delicate stage in food preparation. Besides, I was standing at an oven, not a cooker.
"Actually, this is a brand new kitchen altogether," I opted to reply. "Xigbar's model didn't come close to adequate, so I had it changed. I have made a note of this expenditure for our records. The sum is three hundred thousand and forty Munny…It's pasta bake today," I finished, sensing mild impatience.
"Pasta bake," he repeated. "A new endeavour, is it?"
"Yes Sir. Xaldin filed a complaint about the lack of variety in our castle's catering-"
Xemnas pulled his I can't care less face. "Saïx, you will serve me a large portion of pasta bake tonight."
"Of course."
"And you will also provide me with today's engrossed report on Agrabah, preferably with Xigbar's comments."
I switched off the oven, pulling at my apron and busying myself to mask any frustration. Xemnas was oblivious - and still is - to the amount of effort required to pull up a Xigbar report.
Not that I was about to disappoint him. "Superior, the Agrabah report is already done. It's in your In Tray. However, I have a copy at hand if you urgently need-here." I moved my oven mitts aside and passed him the papers.
"And," continued Xemnas, "you will organise for our new member become familiar with the castle. Have you met him?"
"We've been introduced." I neglected to inform him that I had already started delegating work to Number Nine. I lined up nine plates in numerical order. A large helping for One, extra vegetables for Six, burnt pasta for Eight. "He told me you named him Demyx."
"Yes. I was feeling unimaginative. He's quite engaging, somewhat overzealous. I would actually like to go over various recruitment issues with you, about Demyx and also a reluctant Nobody in Twilight Town. Will you have an hour free tonight?" He didn't expect an answer; I didn't try to form one. "In summary, Demyx doesn't look very promising. You will see to that."
"Very well."
Xemnas seemed pleased at my response. Or maybe he was just hungry. After all, he was watching my every move as I served up. "You will obey every order I give you?"
"Within reason," I answered, balancing four plates in my arms.
"I see," said Xemnas, clearly not seeing.
"Number Seven, hello! Your grocery shopping is done." Demyx emerged from a portal with numerous shopping bags. "I bought everything you listed, with some bonus items I was drawn to."
"Delegating?" Xemnas said to me, incredulous.
"No, not quite," I lied. "I sent Demyx on a straightforward and hopefully inspiring mission, to prompt him into finding his element."
"It's funny you should mention that…I had an impulse to buy these…"
He began to unpack, and within moments, Xemnas and I discovered what our ninth member was keyed into.
"Fruit juice, sparkling water, revitalising shakes, a watering can, a fish," I began to list, moving each item along the kitchen surface. "And cress?"
"Watercress, actually," said Demyx. My scar twitched again. I did not just get corrected by a muppet of a mullet. "I'm tuned into water, in more ways than one you know-"
"Yes thank you," I cut in. "The reason why we place great stress on writing reports is because that way, we don't have to listen to people talk. Go and fetch the others; dinner is ready."
I went ignored as Demyx just realised his boss was standing three feet away from him. "Hello, Superior…!" A hasty mock bow, and then Number Nine was offering his selection of goods like a priest at a sacrificial ritual. "Erm…fish? Shake? Anything your greatness would like-?"
"Go and fetch the others!" I hissed, wondering if he had any sense of self-preservation. He somehow managed to thrust a revitalising shake into Xemnas' hand before I successfully chased him away. Xemnas turned the bottle over, studying the label and with a shrug, unscrewing the cap and drinking.
"So. Within reason," Xemnas said, staring at me and continuing our conversation as if there had been no interruption. (I should mention now that whenever Xemnas stares at me, he appears to study more than my face.) "What godly authority lay down that rule, Saïx?"
"That would be my dignity screaming for attention."
Xemnas watched as I set out nine lots of cutlery, enjoying my discomfort. "Very good," he said, before downing the rest of that blasted shake. "Oh, and Saïx," he added, not quite able to feign spontaneity. "Nice apron."
-x-
Xemnas in a horrendously good mood meant dinnertime was allowed to go informal. Demyx got to make a sappy speech about the honour of joining the Organisation and in return, Xemnas gave him a belated run-of-the-mill welcome, of which the only thing impressive about it was the length.
While we ate and talked, Zexion - our resident two-faced bastard - coerced Demyx into talking about what he could remember as a Somebody. We were all intrigued, to some extent. Demyx had come to us with a vivid range of emotions and as Xemnas rightly put it, a tendency to be overzealous; everyone was interested in how Demyx could accomplish such feats while knowing he was an empty shell and an echo of existence.
Denial was my answer to that, but with Axel at the table, my opinion went unheard.
Midnight came, and I was on my way to Xemnas' office, to discuss Demyx as ordered. I was prepared, ready to reel off a list of reasons why Demyx was a horrid inclusion to our group.
I never got to reel off that list, although later I would add to it, "Point 12: He bought revitalising shakes that turned four Organisation members, including you, into children."
When I knocked and entered his office, my Superior was sitting on his desk, doodling and humming. In my mental list of Top Ten Most Disturbing Things in the Castle, singing Xemnas is triumphed only by smiling Vexen.
I was unnerved as much as the constraint of being a Nobody would allow. Not only was he singing, Xemnas was three feet tall, boasting a pair of enormous eyes and drawing all over the Agrabah report I spent two hours on. His uniform, being form fitting, had shrunk to suit his tiny stature, and even with his hood up, I could spot clumps of messy silver hair.
"Don't look, Mama, I've almost finished."
I stared at him. He was talking to me, and I could hear him. But comprehend? Not yet. There was something very momentous about our initial meeting. It marked my first time in truly believing that yes, Nobodies could feel genuine horror if the situation called for it.
"Ready? You have to be surprised, okay?"
My boss was pint sized. And he was giggling.
"Ta da!"
I knocked his arm aside and scrabbled for the telephone. It was here somewhere, under papers and reports and notebooks. Phone, phone, phone…
There was only one Nobody bar me who'd still be awake and working at midnight. Something latched onto my arm as I dialled. "Get off! Come on…pick up!"
"Mama, you didn't look properly at my drawing…!"
"Vexen!" I shouted, before he had the chance to speak. "What the fuck has happened to the Superior?!"
"Easy there, X Face," said someone who wasn't Vexen. "Don't swear in front of children. Vexen's currently busy."
"Xigbar! You knew? Get Vexen on the line n-you know what? Fuck it. I'm coming over. Stop tugging!" I snarled at Xemnas. He jumped and shrank back. He screwed up his face and bit his lip. I had never seen Xemnas look that way. It was, quite frankly, revolting.
"Saïx. Seriously, just cool down a little. If you lose your temper, he's going to cry. And believe you me, that's the last thing you want." Xigbar was laidback as usual, even having the time and nerve to let out a laugh. "Come down to Vexen's lab, that's where we've all congregated. Only guys missing are you two."
"You knew from the beginning that Xemnas…I don't know, de-aged?!"
"Knew? As if! I just listened to your screaming, looked over at kid Lexaeus here and put two and two together. All right, well, whenever you're ready, come downstairs. And go easy on Demyx, won't you?"
"I don't take orders from you," I answered, and slammed down the receiver. Breathe, Saïx, breathe. No temper. "Right. Let's go."
I gathered from my conversation with Xigbar that Lexaeus had also been turned little, and Demyx had something to do with it. I was also certain that Vexen was already on the case. This wasn't out of hand at all. I only needed to get Xemnas to the lab, leave him in capable hands, torture and maim Demyx, and fill in the post of Superior as long as he was ab-
"Mama. Your…mm." Xemnas was still sitting on his desk, legs swinging. He made a feeble gesture to between his eyes. "…There's um…"
"A great hulking cross-shaped scar on my forehead," I finished for him. "I really hadn't noticed. You never had a problem with it before, Sir, and…"
He didn't. He didn't just say-
"…What did you just call me?"
We fell into an ominous silence. Xemnas held up the Agrabah report. I saw a row of houses, stick figures with disproportionate heads, even a multicoloured rainbow. Well, as multicoloured as he could be with a red pen, anyway.
"…I drew it for you, Mama."
And breathe, Saïx.
Breathe.
"Sir…I mean, Xemnas. From now on, you call me Saïx. If you call me anything else, I will impale you on that ball point pen sooner than you can say 'Kingdom Hearts'. Is that understood?" I summoned a portal. "Get in."
"Eurgh, no! It's dark and horrible."
"No it's not, it's convenient. Get in," I said again.
"But Mama, I don't want to…"
"Right, where's that pen?! Look, just get in. Now."
Xemnas slipped off the desk, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "You'll come with me, won't you?"
"Yes I will, so hurry up!"
Xemnas dashed into the portal. It was then, alone and in a short space of clarity, that I realised a fatal flaw in this situation, a flaw that proved I was thankfully, in a nightmare rather than reality.
"Nobodies can't age. It's impossible!" I stepped out of the portal into Vexen's dingy lab. "It's impossible, I tell you. How can you age something that was never alive to begin with?"
"Yes, it's impossible," Vexen agreed with a scowl. "Allergic reactions, on the other hand, are not." He turned in his chair, giving me an unnerving once over. Then, he spotted Xemnas hiding behind me. "Bleh," he muttered. "I thought as much."
I walked over to join Vexen. I was about to demand what he meant by an allergic reaction, but that my left leg was significantly heavier than my right got my attention first. "Superior…I mean, Xemnas. Will you please…"
He only held on tighter. "But Mama, it's dark and creepy."
"Hey, Xemnas!" Xigbar came to the rescue, and I legged it to Vexen while I had the chance. "C'mere kiddo, that's it. Nothing to be afraid of. Let's get you acquainted with Axel here. Axel, this is Xemnas. You have no choice but to be nice to him."
No, not Axel as well…! I cringed before I could even turn round to observe the horror. Child Axel smiled a pleasant, all too familiar smile. He held his arms wide, hugged Xemnas, promptly seized a clump of silver hair and yanked. Xemnas let out a scream; Axel burst out laughing. Xigbar leapt in to pull them apart. Vexen slumped over his keyboard in defeat.
I had never witnessed our Castle and members so disordered. The Organisation was all about organisation, damnit…! But there was my boss, snivelling and within moments, running back to me again. Xaldin was sat down in the far corner, with Lexaeus fast asleep at his feet. Number Three appeared torn between having a nervous breakdown and going on a murderous rampage. Lexaeus himself looked no older than two. Zexion was on the chair next to Vexen, his nose stuck in a book. He appeared to be the one least affected, still composed and having that natural smirk about him. I put him at six years of age, slightly older than Axel (who was currently being lectured by Xigbar).
Finally, and I found myself rather disturbed by his silence, was Demyx, on the stool next to Xaldin. He was trying to bite his nails through his gloves. Once or twice, Number Nine's gaze would study the children, and he'd squirm and flinch.
"Vexen. Explain," I demanded. I slumped into a chair, determined to ignore Xemnas crawling onto the armrest. Axel wandered over, mumbled an apology to Xemnas and sat on the floor to lean against my knees. I started to understand how violated statues felt when pigeons came to roost on them.
"Well, what is there to explain?" Vexen huffed. "Four out of nine members have become children. Would you care to tell us how this happened, Demyx?"
At the mention of his name, Demyx jumped and mumbled something.
"That's right," said Vexen, apparently blessed with hypersensitive hearing. He held up a very familiar bottle. "Demyx bought revitalising shakes. They were distributed at random, along with sparkling water and fruit juice. Lexaeus, Xemnas, Zexion and Axel were given shakes. Revitalising shakes. As in drinks bought by humans to de-age, turn back time, lose wrinkles, gain new energy, that sort of nonsense."
"Mama, I'm tired."
"I don't care. Those shakes are to blame? Seriously? It can't be as simple as that. The Superior isn't stupid enough to drink something not meant for a Nobody." My scar prickled with rage I was struggling to keep under control. Bloody Demyx, I knew it! Whose idea was it to recruit him?
"So what happens when a Nobody tries to lose a few nonexistent years of aging?" said Vexen, doing his best to ignore telltale signs of my temper. "Evidently, the formula does its best, the Nobody does his best, and lo and behold, a nice, de-aged Nobody. A child. A Nobody child unrelated to his Somebody, might I add. It's almost like an impossible part of a timeline, where instead of going from Somebody to Nobody, the formula fabricates its own events to fit in-I'm not making any sense, I'm tired." Vexen came to an abrupt halt. "And did he just call you Mama?"
I groaned, exasperated, and that feeling only grew worse when Xigbar grinned at me.
"Why's he calling you Mama?"
"Attachment, I think. I was the first person Xemnas saw, and he automatically-"
Xigbar raised his eyebrow. "Are you sure that apron you're still wearing had nothing to do with it?"
Apron? What apron?
"Fuck!" I screamed. I leapt to my feet and Axel keeled over. "For fuck's sake, just because I wear a f-"
"All right, calm down," said Xaldin, speaking up at last. "We get enough kicking and screaming from the children. I propose we all get some rest, and pray that by tomorrow morning, things have gone back to normal. If not, then we dispose of the mutations and recruit new members instead. Problem solved."
"They haven't mutated, they've had an allergic reaction." Vexen shot Xaldin a warning look. "Any more talk about turning on Organisation members, and I'll personally strangle you with your own braids. Now." He got up from his seat, pacing round his lab and surveying the scene, not unlike a teacher conducting detention. "With the Superior effectively out of action, we need a new order or else everything is going to fall apart."
"I'll do whatever it takes…I'm so sorry," said Demyx, almost sounding genuine. "I can't believe I've only just joined and already I've screwed up. Well, I can believe it, actually…"
Vexen banged a hand on the table, silencing him. "Order!" he enunciated. "Until we restore our members, our current missions will be put on hold and replaced by new ones. I will, quite obviously, be in charge of working out a way to reverse the effect of the shake. Demyx, how are you going to contribute?" Vexen didn't let the ice in his voice waver.
"Erm…I'll claim responsibility for Lexaeus there! He seems well behaved, least troublesome…"
"Sorry, Nine, Lexaeus is my responsibility," Xaldin retorted. "I'll take the easy route in order to stop you from getting it."
I had to hand it to Xaldin to maintain a sense of style and dignity about him, even if Lexeaus was currently dozing and dribbling on his shoe. I, in the meantime, couldn't even get my fucking apron off, not while Xemnas was clambering over my lap and Axel was feeling inclined to copy. I was still in a state of disbelief, but no one seemed to want to grant me time to recover.
"Axel, then," said Demyx. "I'll take care of Axel. Hey, I can teach you the sitar!"
"I guess that leaves me with Zexion, assuming you're claiming the Superior?" Xigbar said to me. "He looks very attached to Mama, eh?"
"Don't you start," I growled, getting up to leave.
"Well, that's worked out very nicely," said Vexen, conveniently forgetting to tag on 'for me'. "Let's act upon Xaldin's initial idea of getting some rest, so that we're fully prepared for tomorrow."
We summoned portals back to our rooms. Xemnas didn't complain this time round, something I was so grateful for. My torturous mission hadn't even started yet, and I was already sick to death of "But Mama…!"
Someone tugged my sleeve just as I was about to step through the portal. I looked down to see Zexion.
"I shan't call you Mama," he said, tucking his book under his arm. "You look like a man."
"Thank you, Zexion. I actually think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Now sod off."
Xigbar was next in line to harass me. "Saïx. You know, things aren't as bad as you think they are. There's an upside to this."
"Really? Let me know it, won't you. You know I have trouble seeing the funny side."
"Well, being 'Mama' grants you that authority you've been wanting since joining the Organisation." Xigbar flashed a smile. "You're in charge, so to speak. You get to boss everyone around, even the Superior. Plus, the only one who can technically usurp you really doesn't feel like it this time round. Ha ha! Night night!"
I didn't have enough time to curse. Xigbar walked through his portal with Zexion in tow.
But…Xigbar did have a point. I was in charge. No more Xemnas to keep me busy working, no more Axel to pester and harass me. Upsides indeed.
-x-
This takes me to the now, with me playing noughts and crosses with Xemnas. He claims he isn't tired, but I beg to differ. An hour has passed since we adjourned from Vexen's lab, and in that space of time, conversation between Xemnas and me has evolved from:
"Mama?"
"For fuck's sake, Sir-I mean, Xemnas."
to:
"Mama?"
"Yes, Xemnas?"
Don't ask. For one thing, I tend to be enraged for only a short amount of time. Then, I just run out of steam and give up. I'm not saying I'm defeatist, but sometimes, things are a lot less painful if you let them have their way.
At least, that's what I'm hoping.