Fic: The Cardigan Files
The Cardigan Files (Five Times Canon Got Raped Again)
By minnow_53
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling. Cardigans do not belong on Remus.
Rating: PG-13
OT3: Remus/Sirius/Cardigan
Summary: Cardigans are love for Remus and Sirius, but not for Harry.
Dedication: For sscrewdriver, who came up with the idea. Also for _emeraldgreen, to welcome you back to the internet.
AN: This is a companion piece to Five Times Remus’s Moustache Isn’t Mentioned In Canon.
The Cadogan Files
The portrait of Sir Cadogan was first discovered in a humble witch’s hut in 1642, though the man himself wasn’t yet born.
The Cardigan Files
It’s a little-known fact that the wardrobe for the film Prisoner of Azkaban was designed in close conjunction with the first draft of the novel, where the word ‘cardigan’ appeared no fewer than ninety-three times, according to sources at Bloomsbury. In Order of the Phoenix, Lupin’s new cardigan had a whole chapter to itself. Sadly, in the published editions of the HP series, the author removed the rather suggestive garment so beloved by Lupin and Sirius, and also excised some of the more explicit scenes between them. A spokesman for the publisher said, ‘These are children’s books, and the pornographic sections upset some parents.’
I quote from transcripts stolen from a safe at Bloomsbury.
1. Prisoner of Azkaban, bootleg edition, p. 59
The stranger was wearing an extraordinary garment: instead of robes, he had on a shapeless woollen thing that fell open in the middle, like an unfinished jumper.
‘What the hell is he wearing?’ Ron giggled. ‘What a git he looks!’
‘It’s called a cardigan,’ Harry informed him. ‘It’s a Muggle thing. Usually, old men wear them.’ He eyed the sleeping adult dubiously.
‘Who d’you reckon he is?’ Ron hissed as they sat down.
‘Professor Remus J Lupin,’ whispered Hermione at once.
‘Oh.’ Ron slumped down in his seat. ‘I suppose he’ll be our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. The sight of that coddling-gown - ’
‘Cardigan,’ chorused Harry and Hermione.
‘ - will be enough to kill any dark creature stone dead.’
Ron stopped talking abruptly as the man in the corner stirred slightly.
2. Prisoner of Azkaban, paperback copy bought from a shady street trader, p. 259
‘My transformations in those days were - were terrible. The only thing that would ease the pain was plentiful amounts of... Well, I don’t want to say it in front of the children.’
‘Spit it out, Lupin,’ snarled Sirius. ‘I can’t wait forever.’
‘Hold your horses, Sirius,’ said Lupin mildly. ‘I’m just trying to explain that I needed plentiful amounts of sex, but of course the children may not understand quite what I mean when I say ‘sex’. I don’t know if you've ever heard about men like me, Harry. I’m a rather special kind of man, you see. I don’t really like girls an awful lot.’
‘Is this going to take all night, Remus?’ Sirius interrupted, a look of total exasperation on his face. ‘Because if it is, I’ll just kill the rat now.’
‘Sure. Go ahead.’
Sirius pointed his wand and shouted something that sounded like, ‘Abracadabra!’ A green light flashed across the room, and poor Scabbers gave a little squeak and leapt six foot into the air, before tumbling back lifeless on to the bed.
‘I do hope it’s the right rat,’ Lupin said. ‘Anyway, where was I?’
Ron started to sob loudly, dragging himself over to cradle the tiny body: Harry thought his broken leg must be hurting unbearably.
‘You were telling them you didn’t like girls,’ Sirius said. ‘I’m sure they’ve figured it out by now!’
‘Sirius,’ said Lupin in a warning voice. ‘Let me do this my way. Yes. So if I don’t like girls, the only logical alternative - ’
‘Oh, for Merlin’s sake!’ Sirius leapt up and dragged Lupin over to the bed, then flung him down and kissed him roughly on the lips. Harry reflected that they didn’t look exactly like brothers any more, though he couldn’t quite formulate the words for what they did look like.
Sirius took his mouth away from Lupin’s for long enough to growl, ‘I don’t mind if you take all night about it now! Of course, it’s been a long time, so I probably won’t last more than a few seconds.’
Ron whimpered, and Lupin reached over to pat his back. ‘Goodness, Ron, it’s not that sad! He was a very bad rat, you know. He wanted to kill Harry. But I suppose we really should cover him before Sirius and I squash him flat.’
He disentangled himself from Sirius for long enough to take off his brown cardigan with the Argyll pattern down the front, and wrapped Scabbers up in it: quite gently, Harry noted. But perhaps he just didn’t want to spoil his favourite item of clothing.
3. Order of the Phoenix, Latvian hardback edition, p. 444
‘Merry Christmas,’ said George. ‘Don’t go downstairs for a bit.’
‘Why not?’ asked Ron.
‘Sirius and Lupin are opening their presents.’
‘Well, that’s okay,’ said Harry. ‘I want to thank them for the wonderful books.’
‘You really don’t!’ George cried, barring his way, but it was too late: Harry was already halfway down the stairs.
Beneath the wonderful Christmas tree, Lupin and Sirius sat gazing rather soppily into each other’s eyes. Lupin was wearing a tight-fitting cardigan of some bright yellow synthetic material: it was obviously new, because Harry could see the label dangling from the sleeve.
‘You really shouldn’t have,’ Lupin was saying, and Sirius waved his hand airily, and replied, ‘I knew it would look wonderful on you. See? The buttons are real brass! Come on, give us a twirl.’
Lupin stood up and rather hesitantly turned round. ‘I sometimes worry that you only like me in cardigans because they’re easy to take off,’ he said.
Sirius beamed. ‘Plus, you’re so sexy in them. Here’s something to go with it. I was thinking of slippers, but they seemed just a tiny bit cliché’d, so...’ He handed Lupin a rather knobbly package wrapped in shiny gold paper.
Lupin opened it carefully and pulled out what looked to Harry like a large, cherrywood pipe.
‘We learned about them in Muggle studies, remember?’ Sirius explained, rather anxiously, Harry felt. ‘You stuff it with tobacco, then set it on fire.’
‘That sounds wonderful fun!’ exclaimed Lupin, reaching out and holding Sirius close.
4. Order of The Phoenix, pirated copy, p. 567
Note: The chapter we know as Snape's Worst Memory was originally called Pensieves and Pornography.
‘Loved it,’ said Lupin briskly. ‘Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question. One: he’s sitting in my chair.’
‘Two: he’s wearing a cardigan!’ Peter shouted in triumph, so loudly that Snape turned and glared at them.
‘No, I’m not.’ Lupin looked down at his robes, obviously a bit confused.
‘But you do sometimes,’ Peter persisted. ‘That’s what I put on my answer paper, anyway.’
‘How d’you know he wears a cardigan?’ said Sirius a bit sharply
‘Well. He does, doesn’t he?’
‘You’ve been spying on us,’ Sirius said, and Peter went bright red.
‘It was only the once,’ he said. ‘I got to the Shack a bit early. It wasn’t my fault! And I didn’t really see anything. J-just him’ - he pointed at Lupin - ‘in that thing. That cardigan.’
‘Turned you on, did it, Wormtail?’ Sirius asked viciously. ‘Wanted to fiddle with the buttonholes? And rub your cheek against the ribbed section at the bottom?’
Peter, nearly in tears, said, ‘No! No! I’m off to talk to James.’ He broke away from Sirius’s restraining hand and sprinted across the lawn, calling, ‘Hey, Prongs, wait for me!’
Sirius relaxed, and murmured in Lupin’s ear, so softly that Harry had to strain to hear, ‘Three: he gives amazing blowjobs. Four: he’s the sexiest beast at Hogwarts.’
Lupin laughed and pushed him away. ‘At least I know you didn’t put that on your paper! Or I hope not. C’mon, Padfoot, let’s go and revise for Transfiguration.’
‘In the Shack?’ Sirius asked and Lupin said, ‘Of course the Shack.’
As Harry watched, Sirius and Lupin doubled back towards the Whomping Willow, almost sprinting in order to get there as soon as possible. The sun was in Harry’s eyes, but he could have sworn they were holding hands...
5. Order of the Phoenix, Mills and Boon/Harlequin special limited edition, p. 590
Lupin returned with Sirius at his heels moments later.
Instead of their usual robes, both men were wearing cardigans: Lupin’s was a dark green, and Sirius’s grey. They were thick and baggy, and aged the men about ten years - especially Lupin's, which had a zip instead of buttons.
Harry noted, rather scandalised, that Sirius was wearing pretty well nothing else. He averted his eyes.
‘Sorry about that, Harry,’ Sirius said. ‘I think I’ve got some robes somewhere...yes, here we are.’ He flung off his cardigan and shook the robes over his head. ‘There! That’s better.’
It certainly was, Harry thought, but Lupin looked as if he might burst into tears.
‘Oh, Sirry, why? I love you in your cardie!’ He picked up the limp garment lying discarded on the kitchen table, and started to cuddle and stroke it as if it were a kitten.
‘Remus,’ Sirius said in a warning tone, and Lupin's head jerked up. He looked slightly dazed.
‘Sorry, Harry,’ he said, blushing wildly. ‘I got a bit carried away there. It’s just... Your godfather in his cardigan is the hottest thing in the universe.’
‘Literally!’ Sirius laughed. ‘We’re in the middle of a heatwave, yet we both feel compelled to go round wearing wool. Wizards are strange people, Harry.’
‘I know,’ Harry said with feeling.
End
By minnow_53
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling. Cardigans do not belong on Remus.
Rating: PG-13
OT3: Remus/Sirius/Cardigan
Summary: Cardigans are love for Remus and Sirius, but not for Harry.
Dedication: For sscrewdriver, who came up with the idea. Also for _emeraldgreen, to welcome you back to the internet.
AN: This is a companion piece to Five Times Remus’s Moustache Isn’t Mentioned In Canon.
The Cadogan Files
The portrait of Sir Cadogan was first discovered in a humble witch’s hut in 1642, though the man himself wasn’t yet born.
The Cardigan Files
It’s a little-known fact that the wardrobe for the film Prisoner of Azkaban was designed in close conjunction with the first draft of the novel, where the word ‘cardigan’ appeared no fewer than ninety-three times, according to sources at Bloomsbury. In Order of the Phoenix, Lupin’s new cardigan had a whole chapter to itself. Sadly, in the published editions of the HP series, the author removed the rather suggestive garment so beloved by Lupin and Sirius, and also excised some of the more explicit scenes between them. A spokesman for the publisher said, ‘These are children’s books, and the pornographic sections upset some parents.’
I quote from transcripts stolen from a safe at Bloomsbury.
1. Prisoner of Azkaban, bootleg edition, p. 59
The stranger was wearing an extraordinary garment: instead of robes, he had on a shapeless woollen thing that fell open in the middle, like an unfinished jumper.
‘What the hell is he wearing?’ Ron giggled. ‘What a git he looks!’
‘It’s called a cardigan,’ Harry informed him. ‘It’s a Muggle thing. Usually, old men wear them.’ He eyed the sleeping adult dubiously.
‘Who d’you reckon he is?’ Ron hissed as they sat down.
‘Professor Remus J Lupin,’ whispered Hermione at once.
‘Oh.’ Ron slumped down in his seat. ‘I suppose he’ll be our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. The sight of that coddling-gown - ’
‘Cardigan,’ chorused Harry and Hermione.
‘ - will be enough to kill any dark creature stone dead.’
Ron stopped talking abruptly as the man in the corner stirred slightly.
2. Prisoner of Azkaban, paperback copy bought from a shady street trader, p. 259
‘My transformations in those days were - were terrible. The only thing that would ease the pain was plentiful amounts of... Well, I don’t want to say it in front of the children.’
‘Spit it out, Lupin,’ snarled Sirius. ‘I can’t wait forever.’
‘Hold your horses, Sirius,’ said Lupin mildly. ‘I’m just trying to explain that I needed plentiful amounts of sex, but of course the children may not understand quite what I mean when I say ‘sex’. I don’t know if you've ever heard about men like me, Harry. I’m a rather special kind of man, you see. I don’t really like girls an awful lot.’
‘Is this going to take all night, Remus?’ Sirius interrupted, a look of total exasperation on his face. ‘Because if it is, I’ll just kill the rat now.’
‘Sure. Go ahead.’
Sirius pointed his wand and shouted something that sounded like, ‘Abracadabra!’ A green light flashed across the room, and poor Scabbers gave a little squeak and leapt six foot into the air, before tumbling back lifeless on to the bed.
‘I do hope it’s the right rat,’ Lupin said. ‘Anyway, where was I?’
Ron started to sob loudly, dragging himself over to cradle the tiny body: Harry thought his broken leg must be hurting unbearably.
‘You were telling them you didn’t like girls,’ Sirius said. ‘I’m sure they’ve figured it out by now!’
‘Sirius,’ said Lupin in a warning voice. ‘Let me do this my way. Yes. So if I don’t like girls, the only logical alternative - ’
‘Oh, for Merlin’s sake!’ Sirius leapt up and dragged Lupin over to the bed, then flung him down and kissed him roughly on the lips. Harry reflected that they didn’t look exactly like brothers any more, though he couldn’t quite formulate the words for what they did look like.
Sirius took his mouth away from Lupin’s for long enough to growl, ‘I don’t mind if you take all night about it now! Of course, it’s been a long time, so I probably won’t last more than a few seconds.’
Ron whimpered, and Lupin reached over to pat his back. ‘Goodness, Ron, it’s not that sad! He was a very bad rat, you know. He wanted to kill Harry. But I suppose we really should cover him before Sirius and I squash him flat.’
He disentangled himself from Sirius for long enough to take off his brown cardigan with the Argyll pattern down the front, and wrapped Scabbers up in it: quite gently, Harry noted. But perhaps he just didn’t want to spoil his favourite item of clothing.
3. Order of the Phoenix, Latvian hardback edition, p. 444
‘Merry Christmas,’ said George. ‘Don’t go downstairs for a bit.’
‘Why not?’ asked Ron.
‘Sirius and Lupin are opening their presents.’
‘Well, that’s okay,’ said Harry. ‘I want to thank them for the wonderful books.’
‘You really don’t!’ George cried, barring his way, but it was too late: Harry was already halfway down the stairs.
Beneath the wonderful Christmas tree, Lupin and Sirius sat gazing rather soppily into each other’s eyes. Lupin was wearing a tight-fitting cardigan of some bright yellow synthetic material: it was obviously new, because Harry could see the label dangling from the sleeve.
‘You really shouldn’t have,’ Lupin was saying, and Sirius waved his hand airily, and replied, ‘I knew it would look wonderful on you. See? The buttons are real brass! Come on, give us a twirl.’
Lupin stood up and rather hesitantly turned round. ‘I sometimes worry that you only like me in cardigans because they’re easy to take off,’ he said.
Sirius beamed. ‘Plus, you’re so sexy in them. Here’s something to go with it. I was thinking of slippers, but they seemed just a tiny bit cliché’d, so...’ He handed Lupin a rather knobbly package wrapped in shiny gold paper.
Lupin opened it carefully and pulled out what looked to Harry like a large, cherrywood pipe.
‘We learned about them in Muggle studies, remember?’ Sirius explained, rather anxiously, Harry felt. ‘You stuff it with tobacco, then set it on fire.’
‘That sounds wonderful fun!’ exclaimed Lupin, reaching out and holding Sirius close.
4. Order of The Phoenix, pirated copy, p. 567
Note: The chapter we know as Snape's Worst Memory was originally called Pensieves and Pornography.
‘Loved it,’ said Lupin briskly. ‘Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question. One: he’s sitting in my chair.’
‘Two: he’s wearing a cardigan!’ Peter shouted in triumph, so loudly that Snape turned and glared at them.
‘No, I’m not.’ Lupin looked down at his robes, obviously a bit confused.
‘But you do sometimes,’ Peter persisted. ‘That’s what I put on my answer paper, anyway.’
‘How d’you know he wears a cardigan?’ said Sirius a bit sharply
‘Well. He does, doesn’t he?’
‘You’ve been spying on us,’ Sirius said, and Peter went bright red.
‘It was only the once,’ he said. ‘I got to the Shack a bit early. It wasn’t my fault! And I didn’t really see anything. J-just him’ - he pointed at Lupin - ‘in that thing. That cardigan.’
‘Turned you on, did it, Wormtail?’ Sirius asked viciously. ‘Wanted to fiddle with the buttonholes? And rub your cheek against the ribbed section at the bottom?’
Peter, nearly in tears, said, ‘No! No! I’m off to talk to James.’ He broke away from Sirius’s restraining hand and sprinted across the lawn, calling, ‘Hey, Prongs, wait for me!’
Sirius relaxed, and murmured in Lupin’s ear, so softly that Harry had to strain to hear, ‘Three: he gives amazing blowjobs. Four: he’s the sexiest beast at Hogwarts.’
Lupin laughed and pushed him away. ‘At least I know you didn’t put that on your paper! Or I hope not. C’mon, Padfoot, let’s go and revise for Transfiguration.’
‘In the Shack?’ Sirius asked and Lupin said, ‘Of course the Shack.’
As Harry watched, Sirius and Lupin doubled back towards the Whomping Willow, almost sprinting in order to get there as soon as possible. The sun was in Harry’s eyes, but he could have sworn they were holding hands...
5. Order of the Phoenix, Mills and Boon/Harlequin special limited edition, p. 590
Lupin returned with Sirius at his heels moments later.
Instead of their usual robes, both men were wearing cardigans: Lupin’s was a dark green, and Sirius’s grey. They were thick and baggy, and aged the men about ten years - especially Lupin's, which had a zip instead of buttons.
Harry noted, rather scandalised, that Sirius was wearing pretty well nothing else. He averted his eyes.
‘Sorry about that, Harry,’ Sirius said. ‘I think I’ve got some robes somewhere...yes, here we are.’ He flung off his cardigan and shook the robes over his head. ‘There! That’s better.’
It certainly was, Harry thought, but Lupin looked as if he might burst into tears.
‘Oh, Sirry, why? I love you in your cardie!’ He picked up the limp garment lying discarded on the kitchen table, and started to cuddle and stroke it as if it were a kitten.
‘Remus,’ Sirius said in a warning tone, and Lupin's head jerked up. He looked slightly dazed.
‘Sorry, Harry,’ he said, blushing wildly. ‘I got a bit carried away there. It’s just... Your godfather in his cardigan is the hottest thing in the universe.’
‘Literally!’ Sirius laughed. ‘We’re in the middle of a heatwave, yet we both feel compelled to go round wearing wool. Wizards are strange people, Harry.’
‘I know,’ Harry said with feeling.
End