Ficlet: Five Times Remus's Moustache Isn't Mentioned In Canon
Five Times Remus’s Moustache Isn’t Mentioned In Canon
by minnow_53
This rather strange offering was inspired by controversy on my f-list, but the subject is a universal one: Lupin's moustache. I tend to be against the tache, but have tried to be even-handed.
A huge thank-you: To snow_blossoms for the beautiful icon.
All inconsistencies are those of the original author. The characters belong to JKR, though she would probably disclaim the moustache, as would we all.
This is now crossposted to remusxsirius and the_kennel.
Five Times Remus’s Moustache Isn’t Mentioned In Canon
1. Prisoner of Azkaban, English hardback edition, p. 107
Only Draco Malfoy and his gang of Slytherins had anything bad to say about Professor Lupin. They nicknamed him Mr Bushy, which sounded to Harry rather like the name of a Muggle car*, especially when Crabbe and Goyle took up the chant.
Harry had a few heated exchanges with Draco about the new teacher. ‘For a start, he’s not a ‘Mr’, he’s a professor,’ he informed Draco, who merely laughed and said, ‘He’s a joke! It isn’t just his shabby robes, or his limp wrists, if you get my meaning, Potter. It’s that horrible growth on his upper lip.’
‘One day, I’m going to have a moustache exactly like Professor Lupin’s,’ Harry said indignantly. ‘Just you wait.’
‘Oh, no, sweetheart, don’t spoil that pretty face with a great ugly wodge of hair,’ Draco cried, sounding almost serious. But then he smirked and said, ‘Even you must have heard the rumours about Lupin and Sirius Black, Potter. Seems it isn’t only Dementors who kiss the prisoners in Azkaban.’
‘Malfoy, you sicken me.’
Draco nonchalantly threw a handful of Bertie Botts beans into the air and caught most of them in his mouth. ‘Now, I bet your precious Professor can’t do that. I bet you can’t either, Four-Eyes.’
‘Don’t call me ‘Four-Eyes’,’ snarled Harry, grabbing the box. He waved his wand and the sweets swooped down into his mouth one by one, except for a couple of unpleasant flavours which remained rotating gently in mid-air.
‘Hey, that’s cool!’ Draco turned on him an intense, grey stare that made Harry shiver. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea to grow a moustache after all, he mused...
*Mitsubishi
2. Prisoner of Azkaban, English hardback edition, p. 252
Then Lupin spoke, in an odd voice, a voice that shook with some suppressed emotion. ‘Where is he, Sirius?’
‘Forget the rat for a minute,’ Sirius said, sitting bolt upright. ‘Holy hell, man, you look a real sight! What’s with the tache?’ His burning eyes burned fiercer still.
Professor Lupin stiffened. ‘I could ask you the same about the beard, Sirius.’
‘I’ve got an excuse. I was in Azkaban for twelve years. But you...’ He shook his head uncomprehendingly.
3. Order of the Phoenix, English hardback edition, p. 89
‘And I’m not a very popular dinner guest with most of the community,’ said Lupin. ‘For a start, everyone’s guessed Sirius and I are a couple, and you know how homophobic wizards are.’
Harry looked blank. ‘Or maybe he doesn’t,’ Sirius interjected, taking hold of Lupin’s hand, in full view of the company. Molly’s lips tightened, but she said nothing.
‘Plus, there’s my moustache,’ Lupin continued. ‘I keep it because a certain escaped prisoner likes it.’ He winked coyly at Sirius. ‘And it’s very well-groomed. Sirius really enjoys brushing and combing it.’
‘Yes, Remus,’ Molly said. ‘But I always worry that you’re going to miss your mouth with a spoonful of stew one evening.’ She shuddered.
‘See the problem?’ Lupin asked Harry, just as Sirius leapt out of his seat and seized Molly by the robes.
‘How dare you criticise his moustache?’ he growled, sounding, Harry thought, more like an angry Snuffles, or even a wolf, than a respectable wizard.
‘Sirius, sit down,’ Lupin snapped, but he was too late. From the hall, the portrait began to scream, ‘Filthy half-breeds with their filthy facial hair, perverts and sodomists dishonouring the House of Black...’
4. Order of the Phoenix, English hardback edition, p. 591
‘He kept messing up his hair,’ said Harry in a pained voice. ‘And Professor Lupin kept messing up his moustache.’
Sirius’s eyes suddenly became soft and dreamy. ‘That must have been your very first moustache, Moony. Remember?’
Lupin laughed. ‘How could I forget? I did love it so. It was really warm in winter.’
‘It felt gorgeous too. Silky and luxuriant...’ Sirius moved closer to Lupin and put his arms round him. ‘I thought I’d die when you shaved it off.’
‘But we had a lot of fun with it first.’
Harry cleared his throat. ‘Hello! We were talking about my problems, remember?’
Sirius smiled at him rather absent-mindedly, and turned back to Lupin. ‘D’you remember the time I put the Hair-Growing Hex on it? That was the best, wasn’t it?’
‘You used to call me Hotlips,’ Lupin whispered.
‘It wasn’t only your lips that were hot, Moony.’
The two of them had completely forgotten Harry, who sighed pointedly and resolved never, ever to ask either of them for help again.
5. Half-Blood Prince, English hardback edition, p. 315
‘Not necessarily,’ said Lupin. ‘Jinxes come and go out of fashion, like everything else. Moustaches, for instance.’ He tugged reflexively at the great, rug-like mass on his top lip. ‘I haven’t always had this you know, Harry. When we left school, your father and godfather were the ones with the taches. Sirius used to say his was an excellent disguise. It certainly fooled the private Aurors his family sent after him.’
‘My dad had a moustache?’ Harry was astounded.
‘Oh, yes.’ Lupin lowered his voice. ‘And sideburns.’ He looked apologetically at Harry, who was staring at him, aghast.
‘You don’t have any photos, do you?’ Harry asked.
‘No, I’m afraid not. James destroyed the lot of them. He was worried Lily might get hold of one and break off their engagement.’
For the rest of the day, Harry went round muttering ‘Sideburns!’ to himself. He was so preoccupied that he barely registered the second Celestina Warbeck concert later that evening. He also omitted to mention that Tonks Flooed in the next morning, and gazed longingly at Lupin's moustache until he snapped at her to stop staring...
End
by minnow_53
This rather strange offering was inspired by controversy on my f-list, but the subject is a universal one: Lupin's moustache. I tend to be against the tache, but have tried to be even-handed.
A huge thank-you: To snow_blossoms for the beautiful icon.
All inconsistencies are those of the original author. The characters belong to JKR, though she would probably disclaim the moustache, as would we all.
This is now crossposted to remusxsirius and the_kennel.
Five Times Remus’s Moustache Isn’t Mentioned In Canon
1. Prisoner of Azkaban, English hardback edition, p. 107
Only Draco Malfoy and his gang of Slytherins had anything bad to say about Professor Lupin. They nicknamed him Mr Bushy, which sounded to Harry rather like the name of a Muggle car*, especially when Crabbe and Goyle took up the chant.
Harry had a few heated exchanges with Draco about the new teacher. ‘For a start, he’s not a ‘Mr’, he’s a professor,’ he informed Draco, who merely laughed and said, ‘He’s a joke! It isn’t just his shabby robes, or his limp wrists, if you get my meaning, Potter. It’s that horrible growth on his upper lip.’
‘One day, I’m going to have a moustache exactly like Professor Lupin’s,’ Harry said indignantly. ‘Just you wait.’
‘Oh, no, sweetheart, don’t spoil that pretty face with a great ugly wodge of hair,’ Draco cried, sounding almost serious. But then he smirked and said, ‘Even you must have heard the rumours about Lupin and Sirius Black, Potter. Seems it isn’t only Dementors who kiss the prisoners in Azkaban.’
‘Malfoy, you sicken me.’
Draco nonchalantly threw a handful of Bertie Botts beans into the air and caught most of them in his mouth. ‘Now, I bet your precious Professor can’t do that. I bet you can’t either, Four-Eyes.’
‘Don’t call me ‘Four-Eyes’,’ snarled Harry, grabbing the box. He waved his wand and the sweets swooped down into his mouth one by one, except for a couple of unpleasant flavours which remained rotating gently in mid-air.
‘Hey, that’s cool!’ Draco turned on him an intense, grey stare that made Harry shiver. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea to grow a moustache after all, he mused...
*Mitsubishi
2. Prisoner of Azkaban, English hardback edition, p. 252
Then Lupin spoke, in an odd voice, a voice that shook with some suppressed emotion. ‘Where is he, Sirius?’
‘Forget the rat for a minute,’ Sirius said, sitting bolt upright. ‘Holy hell, man, you look a real sight! What’s with the tache?’ His burning eyes burned fiercer still.
Professor Lupin stiffened. ‘I could ask you the same about the beard, Sirius.’
‘I’ve got an excuse. I was in Azkaban for twelve years. But you...’ He shook his head uncomprehendingly.
3. Order of the Phoenix, English hardback edition, p. 89
‘And I’m not a very popular dinner guest with most of the community,’ said Lupin. ‘For a start, everyone’s guessed Sirius and I are a couple, and you know how homophobic wizards are.’
Harry looked blank. ‘Or maybe he doesn’t,’ Sirius interjected, taking hold of Lupin’s hand, in full view of the company. Molly’s lips tightened, but she said nothing.
‘Plus, there’s my moustache,’ Lupin continued. ‘I keep it because a certain escaped prisoner likes it.’ He winked coyly at Sirius. ‘And it’s very well-groomed. Sirius really enjoys brushing and combing it.’
‘Yes, Remus,’ Molly said. ‘But I always worry that you’re going to miss your mouth with a spoonful of stew one evening.’ She shuddered.
‘See the problem?’ Lupin asked Harry, just as Sirius leapt out of his seat and seized Molly by the robes.
‘How dare you criticise his moustache?’ he growled, sounding, Harry thought, more like an angry Snuffles, or even a wolf, than a respectable wizard.
‘Sirius, sit down,’ Lupin snapped, but he was too late. From the hall, the portrait began to scream, ‘Filthy half-breeds with their filthy facial hair, perverts and sodomists dishonouring the House of Black...’
4. Order of the Phoenix, English hardback edition, p. 591
‘He kept messing up his hair,’ said Harry in a pained voice. ‘And Professor Lupin kept messing up his moustache.’
Sirius’s eyes suddenly became soft and dreamy. ‘That must have been your very first moustache, Moony. Remember?’
Lupin laughed. ‘How could I forget? I did love it so. It was really warm in winter.’
‘It felt gorgeous too. Silky and luxuriant...’ Sirius moved closer to Lupin and put his arms round him. ‘I thought I’d die when you shaved it off.’
‘But we had a lot of fun with it first.’
Harry cleared his throat. ‘Hello! We were talking about my problems, remember?’
Sirius smiled at him rather absent-mindedly, and turned back to Lupin. ‘D’you remember the time I put the Hair-Growing Hex on it? That was the best, wasn’t it?’
‘You used to call me Hotlips,’ Lupin whispered.
‘It wasn’t only your lips that were hot, Moony.’
The two of them had completely forgotten Harry, who sighed pointedly and resolved never, ever to ask either of them for help again.
5. Half-Blood Prince, English hardback edition, p. 315
‘Not necessarily,’ said Lupin. ‘Jinxes come and go out of fashion, like everything else. Moustaches, for instance.’ He tugged reflexively at the great, rug-like mass on his top lip. ‘I haven’t always had this you know, Harry. When we left school, your father and godfather were the ones with the taches. Sirius used to say his was an excellent disguise. It certainly fooled the private Aurors his family sent after him.’
‘My dad had a moustache?’ Harry was astounded.
‘Oh, yes.’ Lupin lowered his voice. ‘And sideburns.’ He looked apologetically at Harry, who was staring at him, aghast.
‘You don’t have any photos, do you?’ Harry asked.
‘No, I’m afraid not. James destroyed the lot of them. He was worried Lily might get hold of one and break off their engagement.’
For the rest of the day, Harry went round muttering ‘Sideburns!’ to himself. He was so preoccupied that he barely registered the second Celestina Warbeck concert later that evening. He also omitted to mention that Tonks Flooed in the next morning, and gazed longingly at Lupin's moustache until he snapped at her to stop staring...
End