Fic: Little Pink Riding Hood
Little Pink Riding Hood
by minnow_53
Disclaimer: Hardly even JKR's, certainly not mine.
Characters: R/S, sort of, Nymphadora Tonks, the usual cast.
Rating: PG
Reason: Because there isn't enough Tonks fic in the world.
Read Through: Thanks, astra_argentea.
On my journal and too_old_too_gay. Crossposted to remusxsirius and two_boys.
Little Pink Riding Hood
There was once a little girl called Nymphadora Tonks who was naughty and disobedient. When her Mummy told her it was time to go to bed, little Dora squealed and cried and held her breath until she literally turned blue.
When they went shopping in Diagon Alley, Daddy always told Dora to be sure to keep the same face, so he and Mummy could recognise her if they got separated. But Dora liked to put on an unfamiliar face and give Mummy and Daddy the slip, just to spite them. They usually spent many hours searching for her in all the shops, until her Mummy got quite hysterical.
One day, Daddy came home from the Ministry of Magic looking very sad, and told Dora and Mummy that Granny Tonks was ill and all alone in her little hut in the wood: because Granny Tonks was a Muggle, she had no wand or running water or food, and was slowly starving to death. In her sickness, she had grown delirious and was asking for her only grandchild, little Dora.
‘Dora, will you go and take Granny a basket of food?’ Daddy asked. ‘Kill two birds with one stone. Poor old Granny! I think some soup and gin will make her very happy. And half a roast chicken, to absorb the alcohol.’
‘And some of my home-made meat pies,’ said Mummy, happily rolling up her sleeves and waving her wand to make pastry.
Mummy and Daddy prepared a lovely basket for Dora to take, and covered it with a blue and white check cloth, so it looked pretty as a picture.
Unfortunately, Dora had chosen that day to be naughtier than ever. She turned her hair a bright pink and her eyes purple and dressed in a red hoodie with The Offspring written on the back.
‘You can’t dress like that to go to Granny’s!’ Mummy scolded. ‘You must wear your nice new smock with the ducks round the hem.’
‘Shan’t!’ screamed Dora, and kicked Mummy on the shin, so Mummy almost dropped the basket she was holding ready for Dora to take.
‘You little cow!’ hissed Mummy. ‘If you break the bloody gin, I’ll tell Daddy and he’ll ground you for six months.’
‘I’ll tell Daddy you swore at me!’ cried Dora, taking the basket from Mummy. ‘And he’ll divorce you and you’ll be sorry.’
Mummy said, ‘I don’t even listen to silly comments like that. Now, Granny’s. When you go through the woods to her cottage you must stick to the path.’
‘Why?’ asked Dora.
‘Why not?’ answered Mummy, and ushered her little girl out of the door.
It was a clear, sunny spring morning, and the woods were filled with the loveliest flowers. Unfortunately, none of them grew anywhere near the path, but this wasn’t a problem for Dora, who disobeyed Mummy and Daddy on principle. She fluttered round like a big pink and red butterfly, picking flowers and nibbling on the petals to see if they tasted good, and resisting the temptation to use her training wand to Transfigure them into poisonous toadstools.
Now, in the woods there were many vicious beasts, and most vicious of all was the wolf. He happened to be out walking that morning and, like Dora, he was picking flowers, for his close dog companion, who had a wheezy cough from smoking too much and had been ordered to bed by the vet.
He was humming to himself and happily gathering gentians when a little girl with pink hair and a red hoodie accosted him, asking rather rudely, ‘What are you doing in my woods, wolf?’
The wolf was startled, and dropped his bunch of flowers, which made him cross, so he growled, then growled again, because he didn’t like delinquent little girls. ‘They’re not your woods,’ he said. ‘In fact, you’re trespassing in my back garden.’
Dora looked round and saw that there was a tidy little cottage just like Granny’s a short way away, with smoke coming from the chimney: the wolf’s close companion was sneaking a quick cigarette while his friend was out picking flowers.
‘I’m on my way to see my Granny,’ Dora told him, falling into step with him.
The wolf rolled his eyes. ‘You’re going in the wrong direction. Your Granny lives by the path.’
Dora was diverted, because the wolf had big, golden eyes and very long eyelashes ‘Can you do that again?’ she asked, forgetting to say ‘please’.
The wolf dutifully rolled his eyes again, and Dora squealed and clapped her hands, almost dropping her basket as she did so.
‘I like you, wolf. I like you a lot. Why don’t you gobble Granny up, and then you and I can live together in her lovely cottage? I bet it’s nicer than your cottage. I bet you don’t have a fourposter bed.’
‘I do, actually,’ said the wolf. ‘Go away, little girl. I’m busy.’
‘My Daddy’s always cross with me,’ said the little girl. ‘Perhaps you could be my new Daddy.’
The wolf gave a snort. ‘And my close dog companion can be your Mummy,’ he said.
‘Yes, that’s a good idea. Is she nice?’
‘He. No. He’s big and mean and he’ll bite your ear off.’
‘My Mummy shouts at me,’ Dora confided. ‘I think that’s even worse.’
‘Don’t you believe it,’ the wolf said. ‘He’d make your Mummy look like a pussycat. Anyway, wolves and dogs can’t adopt little girls.’
‘I’m hardly little,’ said Dora defensively. ‘I’m a big girl who can go to visit Granny all by herself. You could always treat me like your sister or something.’
‘Yeah, my dog companion would love that,’ said the wolf. ‘We’re much older than you, so forget it. I’m not going to be your surrogate parent.’
Dora was about to lie down and kick and scream and have one of her famous tantrums when she realised the wolf didn’t look cross but quite amused. Her heart gave a strange little leap. He really was very nice, for a wolf, once he’d stopped growling at her, and she liked his smiley mouth.
She put on her hugest, most pleading eyes, and let a couple of tears roll down her face. ‘I’m lost, Wolfie. May I call you Wolfie? Will you help me find Granny’s cottage?’
Being at heart a kind, considerate wolf who helped old ladies across roads and rescued birds caught in bushes, the wolf said, ‘Of course I will, little girl. There are some very dangerous beasts in the woods, and I would feel guilty if you were attacked.’
Granny’s cottage wasn’t very far away, and on the way they chatted happily - well, Dora chatted happily - about how she was a Metamorphmagus and a witch in training, and would go to a school called Hogwarts.
‘See, I knew you were young enough to be my daughter!’ said the wolf triumphantly. ‘You have to be eleven to go to Hogwarts. I was there, you know. That’s where I met my close dog companion.’
As they grew nearer to Granny’s cottage, Dora waved her training wand and muttered a few words so it would be obscured by thick mist.
‘That’s odd,’ the wolf said when they’d been walking for about three hours, ‘I could have sworn your Granny lived just a few minutes away from us. We’ve often had her for dinner. To eat with us,’ he added hastily, seeing Dora’s expression. ‘Not as the main course.’
Dora said, ‘Right, wolf, down to business. Unless you and your doggy friend adopt me I’m going to lead us to the nearest Auror Station and tell the Auror on duty that you've abducted me.’
‘You just try it and I’ll rip you from limb to limb,’ growled the wolf, who suddenly didn’t look so kind any more.
‘Oh, will you? Then everyone will think you’re a paedophile and you’ll be put away in Azkaban for ever and ever.’ Dora turned her eyes blue and her hair into golden ringlets, so she looked all of four years old.
The wolf wiped his forehead with a spotted hankie. ‘Honestly, kids today! You need counseling, you know that?’
Dora switched to her surliest, nastiest face, which was very nasty indeed, and glared at him. The wolf thought for a moment, then shrugged and said, ‘Okay.’
‘Okay which?’ Dora asked.
‘We’ll adopt you. Though goodness knows how my close dog companion will take the news.’
Triumphantly, Dora removed the mist - it took two goes - and she and the wolf found themselves right at the gate of her Granny’s house.
They both went in and gave Granny Tonks her basket. Though she was close to death, the old lady managed to open the gin with her teeth - they were all her own still - and take a restorative draught straight from the bottle. After that, she nibbled a bit of chicken breast and washed it down with soup and more gin.
‘Aren’t you going to tell your Granny what big eyes she has?’ the wolf asked.
‘Can’t be bothered,’ said Dora, kicking the leg of her chair. ‘I think she’s all right now, aren’t you, Granny?’
Unfortunately, Granny Tonks was deaf and didn’t hear her, but went on swearing quietly to herself as she drank yet more gin. The wolf had to rescue the remains of the chicken as it slid to the floor together with the meat pies.
‘I think your Granny needs a sleep now,’ said the wolf tactfully, extricating Dora from the sight and sound of the inebriated woman. ‘And I think a little girl needs to go home.’
Dora confidingly put her tiny hand in his big paw. ‘Yes. With you. You promised, remember?’
‘That was just so we could get to your Granny's. My close dog companion has probably smoked about five packets of fags since I’ve been out, and his cough will be worse and the vet will put him down. I need to go home and scold him roundly.’
‘I’m coming with you,’ Dora said stubbornly.
‘Oh, no, you’re not. Don’t you know the dangers of passive smoking? Anyway, while you were unpacking your grandmother’s basket, I sent a quick owl to your parents. They’re coming to get you - why, here they are!’
And indeed, a very grumpy Ted and Andromeda Apparated right beside the pair. They scooped up Dora, who was now screaming and in a very, very ugly temper.
‘I hate you, wolf! You lied!’ she shrieked. ‘If I ever come across you again when I’ve left Hogwarts I’m going to ignore you completely. I don’t even know you exist. So there!’
As the Tonkses bore off their daughter, having first put her in a full Body Bind, the wolf heaved a sigh of relief. ‘Good!’ he thought. ‘I’ll remind you of that when the time comes. Beastly little brat!’ And he went off home, whistling, and he and his close dog companion had a lovely, if not quiet, evening alone in front of a roaring fire.
End
by minnow_53
Disclaimer: Hardly even JKR's, certainly not mine.
Characters: R/S, sort of, Nymphadora Tonks, the usual cast.
Rating: PG
Reason: Because there isn't enough Tonks fic in the world.
Read Through: Thanks, astra_argentea.
On my journal and too_old_too_gay. Crossposted to remusxsirius and two_boys.
Little Pink Riding Hood
There was once a little girl called Nymphadora Tonks who was naughty and disobedient. When her Mummy told her it was time to go to bed, little Dora squealed and cried and held her breath until she literally turned blue.
When they went shopping in Diagon Alley, Daddy always told Dora to be sure to keep the same face, so he and Mummy could recognise her if they got separated. But Dora liked to put on an unfamiliar face and give Mummy and Daddy the slip, just to spite them. They usually spent many hours searching for her in all the shops, until her Mummy got quite hysterical.
One day, Daddy came home from the Ministry of Magic looking very sad, and told Dora and Mummy that Granny Tonks was ill and all alone in her little hut in the wood: because Granny Tonks was a Muggle, she had no wand or running water or food, and was slowly starving to death. In her sickness, she had grown delirious and was asking for her only grandchild, little Dora.
‘Dora, will you go and take Granny a basket of food?’ Daddy asked. ‘Kill two birds with one stone. Poor old Granny! I think some soup and gin will make her very happy. And half a roast chicken, to absorb the alcohol.’
‘And some of my home-made meat pies,’ said Mummy, happily rolling up her sleeves and waving her wand to make pastry.
Mummy and Daddy prepared a lovely basket for Dora to take, and covered it with a blue and white check cloth, so it looked pretty as a picture.
Unfortunately, Dora had chosen that day to be naughtier than ever. She turned her hair a bright pink and her eyes purple and dressed in a red hoodie with The Offspring written on the back.
‘You can’t dress like that to go to Granny’s!’ Mummy scolded. ‘You must wear your nice new smock with the ducks round the hem.’
‘Shan’t!’ screamed Dora, and kicked Mummy on the shin, so Mummy almost dropped the basket she was holding ready for Dora to take.
‘You little cow!’ hissed Mummy. ‘If you break the bloody gin, I’ll tell Daddy and he’ll ground you for six months.’
‘I’ll tell Daddy you swore at me!’ cried Dora, taking the basket from Mummy. ‘And he’ll divorce you and you’ll be sorry.’
Mummy said, ‘I don’t even listen to silly comments like that. Now, Granny’s. When you go through the woods to her cottage you must stick to the path.’
‘Why?’ asked Dora.
‘Why not?’ answered Mummy, and ushered her little girl out of the door.
It was a clear, sunny spring morning, and the woods were filled with the loveliest flowers. Unfortunately, none of them grew anywhere near the path, but this wasn’t a problem for Dora, who disobeyed Mummy and Daddy on principle. She fluttered round like a big pink and red butterfly, picking flowers and nibbling on the petals to see if they tasted good, and resisting the temptation to use her training wand to Transfigure them into poisonous toadstools.
Now, in the woods there were many vicious beasts, and most vicious of all was the wolf. He happened to be out walking that morning and, like Dora, he was picking flowers, for his close dog companion, who had a wheezy cough from smoking too much and had been ordered to bed by the vet.
He was humming to himself and happily gathering gentians when a little girl with pink hair and a red hoodie accosted him, asking rather rudely, ‘What are you doing in my woods, wolf?’
The wolf was startled, and dropped his bunch of flowers, which made him cross, so he growled, then growled again, because he didn’t like delinquent little girls. ‘They’re not your woods,’ he said. ‘In fact, you’re trespassing in my back garden.’
Dora looked round and saw that there was a tidy little cottage just like Granny’s a short way away, with smoke coming from the chimney: the wolf’s close companion was sneaking a quick cigarette while his friend was out picking flowers.
‘I’m on my way to see my Granny,’ Dora told him, falling into step with him.
The wolf rolled his eyes. ‘You’re going in the wrong direction. Your Granny lives by the path.’
Dora was diverted, because the wolf had big, golden eyes and very long eyelashes ‘Can you do that again?’ she asked, forgetting to say ‘please’.
The wolf dutifully rolled his eyes again, and Dora squealed and clapped her hands, almost dropping her basket as she did so.
‘I like you, wolf. I like you a lot. Why don’t you gobble Granny up, and then you and I can live together in her lovely cottage? I bet it’s nicer than your cottage. I bet you don’t have a fourposter bed.’
‘I do, actually,’ said the wolf. ‘Go away, little girl. I’m busy.’
‘My Daddy’s always cross with me,’ said the little girl. ‘Perhaps you could be my new Daddy.’
The wolf gave a snort. ‘And my close dog companion can be your Mummy,’ he said.
‘Yes, that’s a good idea. Is she nice?’
‘He. No. He’s big and mean and he’ll bite your ear off.’
‘My Mummy shouts at me,’ Dora confided. ‘I think that’s even worse.’
‘Don’t you believe it,’ the wolf said. ‘He’d make your Mummy look like a pussycat. Anyway, wolves and dogs can’t adopt little girls.’
‘I’m hardly little,’ said Dora defensively. ‘I’m a big girl who can go to visit Granny all by herself. You could always treat me like your sister or something.’
‘Yeah, my dog companion would love that,’ said the wolf. ‘We’re much older than you, so forget it. I’m not going to be your surrogate parent.’
Dora was about to lie down and kick and scream and have one of her famous tantrums when she realised the wolf didn’t look cross but quite amused. Her heart gave a strange little leap. He really was very nice, for a wolf, once he’d stopped growling at her, and she liked his smiley mouth.
She put on her hugest, most pleading eyes, and let a couple of tears roll down her face. ‘I’m lost, Wolfie. May I call you Wolfie? Will you help me find Granny’s cottage?’
Being at heart a kind, considerate wolf who helped old ladies across roads and rescued birds caught in bushes, the wolf said, ‘Of course I will, little girl. There are some very dangerous beasts in the woods, and I would feel guilty if you were attacked.’
Granny’s cottage wasn’t very far away, and on the way they chatted happily - well, Dora chatted happily - about how she was a Metamorphmagus and a witch in training, and would go to a school called Hogwarts.
‘See, I knew you were young enough to be my daughter!’ said the wolf triumphantly. ‘You have to be eleven to go to Hogwarts. I was there, you know. That’s where I met my close dog companion.’
As they grew nearer to Granny’s cottage, Dora waved her training wand and muttered a few words so it would be obscured by thick mist.
‘That’s odd,’ the wolf said when they’d been walking for about three hours, ‘I could have sworn your Granny lived just a few minutes away from us. We’ve often had her for dinner. To eat with us,’ he added hastily, seeing Dora’s expression. ‘Not as the main course.’
Dora said, ‘Right, wolf, down to business. Unless you and your doggy friend adopt me I’m going to lead us to the nearest Auror Station and tell the Auror on duty that you've abducted me.’
‘You just try it and I’ll rip you from limb to limb,’ growled the wolf, who suddenly didn’t look so kind any more.
‘Oh, will you? Then everyone will think you’re a paedophile and you’ll be put away in Azkaban for ever and ever.’ Dora turned her eyes blue and her hair into golden ringlets, so she looked all of four years old.
The wolf wiped his forehead with a spotted hankie. ‘Honestly, kids today! You need counseling, you know that?’
Dora switched to her surliest, nastiest face, which was very nasty indeed, and glared at him. The wolf thought for a moment, then shrugged and said, ‘Okay.’
‘Okay which?’ Dora asked.
‘We’ll adopt you. Though goodness knows how my close dog companion will take the news.’
Triumphantly, Dora removed the mist - it took two goes - and she and the wolf found themselves right at the gate of her Granny’s house.
They both went in and gave Granny Tonks her basket. Though she was close to death, the old lady managed to open the gin with her teeth - they were all her own still - and take a restorative draught straight from the bottle. After that, she nibbled a bit of chicken breast and washed it down with soup and more gin.
‘Aren’t you going to tell your Granny what big eyes she has?’ the wolf asked.
‘Can’t be bothered,’ said Dora, kicking the leg of her chair. ‘I think she’s all right now, aren’t you, Granny?’
Unfortunately, Granny Tonks was deaf and didn’t hear her, but went on swearing quietly to herself as she drank yet more gin. The wolf had to rescue the remains of the chicken as it slid to the floor together with the meat pies.
‘I think your Granny needs a sleep now,’ said the wolf tactfully, extricating Dora from the sight and sound of the inebriated woman. ‘And I think a little girl needs to go home.’
Dora confidingly put her tiny hand in his big paw. ‘Yes. With you. You promised, remember?’
‘That was just so we could get to your Granny's. My close dog companion has probably smoked about five packets of fags since I’ve been out, and his cough will be worse and the vet will put him down. I need to go home and scold him roundly.’
‘I’m coming with you,’ Dora said stubbornly.
‘Oh, no, you’re not. Don’t you know the dangers of passive smoking? Anyway, while you were unpacking your grandmother’s basket, I sent a quick owl to your parents. They’re coming to get you - why, here they are!’
And indeed, a very grumpy Ted and Andromeda Apparated right beside the pair. They scooped up Dora, who was now screaming and in a very, very ugly temper.
‘I hate you, wolf! You lied!’ she shrieked. ‘If I ever come across you again when I’ve left Hogwarts I’m going to ignore you completely. I don’t even know you exist. So there!’
As the Tonkses bore off their daughter, having first put her in a full Body Bind, the wolf heaved a sigh of relief. ‘Good!’ he thought. ‘I’ll remind you of that when the time comes. Beastly little brat!’ And he went off home, whistling, and he and his close dog companion had a lovely, if not quiet, evening alone in front of a roaring fire.
End