Fic: What We Did In The Holidays
What We Did In The Holidays
by minnow_53
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling and various corporations: well, some of them do. She may not want the stripper.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Era: MWPP, August-September 1977
Rating: PG
Summary: Remus and Sirius work hard on their Muggle Studies NEWT coursework.
Thanks: To astra_argentea for reading through.
Now crossposted to the_kennel, remusxsirius and two_boys.
What We Did In The Holidays
Subject: Muggle Studies Practical Coursework
Names: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin
Form: 7 Gryffindor
Date: September 2nd, 1977
Length: A yard of parchment.
Introduction
For our Muggle Studies practical coursework, we decided to take the Metropolitan Life section of the NEWT textbook and cover four or five topics. We used London as our base, because Sirius Black owns a flat there.
Topic 1 by Remus Lupin, 7 Gryffindor
Experiment: With reference to the chapter Shoplifting and Stealing Small Items (pages 91-94), we aimed to remove several objects from a Muggle shop without using our wands or any magic, and get away without being apprehended.
We decided that I would perform this part of the practical, because I blend into a crowd better than Sirius does, and we needed to be discreet.
Method: On 6th August 1977 Sirius Black and I entered the premises of Selfridges in Oxford Street, a large department store with plenty of opportunity for shoplifting.
We arranged for Sirius to create a diversion in the Ladies’ Lingerie department while I tried to steal a purse from Leather Goods, which is next door. I don’t know why the shop’s laid out like that. Sirius has made some unrepeatable comments about leather and underwear that aren’t really suitable for this report.
As it was a Saturday morning, the shop was crowded with women buying lingerie. Sirius stood by a display of knickers and clutched his heart and groaned, then rolled on the floor. He was immediately surrounded by kind women wanting to give him artificial respiration. A couple of them even rushed out of the changing rooms to see what was going on. Sirius tells me he hasn’t seen so many half-naked women since Lily Evans and Zoe Smith jinxed the girls on the Slytherin Quidditch team. Fortunately, he doesn’t fancy women, or the result might have been embarrassing.
While he was providing this distraction, I managed to purloin a red leather purse, a crocodile bag and two scarves. The scarves were just for ornament, I think, but they were easy to take so I included them, as they looked expensive. I put these items into the shoulder bag I was carrying for the purpose. I then entered the lingerie department and shooed the women away, saying ‘This is my friend and he’s subject to funny turns. He’ll be fine if I get him out in the fresh air.’
Sirius Black and I went out the side entrance, and were just on our way to Bond Street tube station when a man in a suit and tie clapped a heavy hand on my shoulder and asked me to follow him, please. He then repeated the gesture with Sirius.
Sirius said, ‘What are you doing?’
The man said, ‘I’m a store detective.’
I asked why, in that case, he wasn’t wearing a badge with Store Detective on it. I thought that was quite clever of me, until he rejoined, ‘Because I work undercover. I have to mingle with the shoppers. If I had a badge, nobody'd ever steal anything when I was around, would they?’
‘Wouldn’t that be a good thing?’ I asked, but the man didn’t answer.
The title of detective reminded me about our lesson on the police, so I inferred that Sirius and I were being arrested. I was pleased to have talked to the man about his job, because that counts as Sirius and my Muggle interview, though it was quite short.
He took us up to the manager’s office on the top floor. We went by escalator, which was very instructive because we passed some interesting departments, giving us a chance to glimpse how Muggles live. There was a rather meagre book section, and Sirius spotted a wonderful range of small ironcast cars and trains. Sirius has always been very fond of Muggle vehicles, and muttered to me that he wished we’d done the shoplifting in the toy department instead.
The manager didn’t even ask us to sit down, which was rather rude of him, I thought. He ordered me to empty out my bag. Fortunately, I was able to reach my wand and do a quick wordless spell. Instead of one red leather purse, one crocodile bag and two expensive silk scarves, my bag just contained a packet of Rothmans cigarettes and a hip-flask full of Firewhisky.
The store detective mumbled something that sounded like, ‘Oh, we’ve got a crafty one here, have we?’ and said to the manager, ‘No worries, sir. We caught this lad on the security cameras.’ He then did an amazing thing, which you’d have loved, Professor Brewster. He turned on a box that looked like a Muggle television and used some sort of technology to show pictures of us on a screen!
It was brilliant! There were lovely shots of Sirius rolling on the ground, looking very convincing, and very hot too: I could understand why all those pretty Muggle women were kneeling beside him and massaging his wrists! All the same, I was a bit cross about them pawing Sirius like that, but he reminded me later that it was all in a good cause.
Then, we saw pictures of me taking the items from Leather Goods. I felt quite critical of my technique, actually, because I was relying on Sirius to divert everyone's attention, which made me a bit sloppy. In fact, he was diverting my attention as well, and I was concentrating more on him than on the crocodile bag. I also folded the scarves, which probably wasted time.
When the show was over, the store detective took my bag and turned it upside down, then insisted on examining my pockets, though I could hardly have fitted a whole bag in there. He also asked Sirius to empty his pockets, but probably regretted it when Sirius produced a white mouse and a packet of Smarties.
The store detective still looked suspicious, and insisted on uncorking the hipflask and sniffing the contents. I suppose he must have thought I’d hidden the scarves in there. He even tasted some of the Firewhisky, then coughed for about five minutes and turned to the manager and said, ‘We won’t be pressing charges, Mr Armitage.’ He told us to get out very crossly, without even an apology.
For the record, Sirius Black and I tried some of the Firewhisky, and it did taste a little bit leathery, proving that my wordless Transfiguration skills may need revision!
Conclusion: The experiment could be seen as a failure, because we got caught, and if we’d been Muggles we would have appeared in a Magistrate’s Court and been fined. I am aware that we will probably lose a few marks on this coursework for using magic to get out of trouble.
However, in mitigation, I have to add that when we arrived home, Sirius Black said ‘Close your eyes,’ and when I looked, he had produced three pairs of frilly knickers from up his sleeve. ‘Nicked them from the lingerie department,’ he explained. So you could say that shoplifting can be easy and that as a team we succeeded in our mission.
Footnote: I subsequently changed the hipflask back into a crocodile bag. I then Transfigured it into its original form, a baby crocodile, and set it free in Regent’s Park canal.
Topic 2 by Sirius Black, 7 Gryffindor
Experiment: Picking up women at a Muggle night club. (Please refer to Chapter 2 of the NEWT textbook, The English At Play, starting on p. 20.)
Note: We agreed that I, Sirius Black, would be really good at this. Remus said, and I quote, ‘You’re so hot, babe! Those girls will be after you like nothing on earth.’
Note: Professor, he’s joking! I said, and I quote, ‘That is a good idea, Black. You will be able to judge the experience very objectively.’ RL.
Method: On the evening of August 16th, Remus Lupin and I proceeded to the area of London known as Soho, and specifically a nightclub called ‘Take ‘Em Off’, recommended by our mutual friend, James Potter, whose parents are incredibly liberal for purebloods. They let him have a Muggle-born girlfriend! Mine won’t even let me have a halfblood boyfriend! I mean, really.
I digress. We entered the premises at eleven twenty-five pm, hoping that, in the words of the chapter mentioned above, ‘the joint would be jumping’.
We weren’t too surprised that the club was dark, because clubs are, aren’t they? It’s easier to pick up girls in the dark if you’re an ugly bloke with acne. However, I did a quick Lumos and found that, in this case, the lack of lighting just hid the seediness of the place. The floor was littered with fag-ends, for a start, and Remus swore he saw a rat.
The music was dreadful too. Remus told me it was a very slow instrumental version of the Beatles' Yellow Submarine, and it certainly didn't sound the sort of thing you'd be able to dance to. I said, ‘It's a bit tinny,’ and Remus agreed.
As we proceeded further into the room, we realised that the clientèle consisted exclusively of oldish men in macintoshes. They were sitting at tables in front of a small stage, and there was this blonde bird up there, removing her clothes in time to the awful music! She wasn’t even pretty. She had a round face and round blue eyes and was wearing makeup an inch thick. She also looked really bored.
I noted, as Remus would say, that there was a nautical theme. The blonde bird was wearing a sailor hat and a striped top, though she was in the process of taking the striped top off. There was also a backdrop with a picture of a boat on it.
Remus said to me, ‘Hey, Padfoot, this looks like a strip club!’ He was as confused as I was.
Note: Professor, he’s joking again. I actually said, ‘Oh, look, this may not be the sort of club described in the chapter.’ RL.
My first thought was, ‘I’ll kill you, Prongs!’ I had to assume this was a prank of some sort. Maybe he, sorry, James Potter meant to make a sly dig at Remus Lupin and me, because we are slow developers and don’t necessarily choose to spend our time ogling half-naked women in magazines, the way he does.
I have to say that the men at the tables seemed to be enjoying the show. Some of them were even whistling every time the blonde bird took off another item of her sailor suit. I bet bloody James Potter would’ve been riveted too.
Remus Lupin and I looked round the club for women for me to pick up, but there was only the one on the stage, plus a few girls hanging round the bar. I went to buy drinks for Remus and me, and some of the girls pushed in front of me and demanded that I buy them drinks too. Well! Remus Lupin took me aside and told me that it didn’t count as picking up a girl if I got drinks for any of them, because they were trying to pick me up.
Fortunately, he had his Muggle Studies textbook with him, and referred me to the section on Scams and Cheating, which explains that girls in strip clubs try to get unsuspecting customers drunk, then take their wallets. Naturally, we didn’t have wallets, but we decided that the whole venture was a waste of our time anyway, and left shortly after the blonde bird had removed the top half of her costume.
Conclusion: This part of the practical was a definite failure, but that was because we were given faulty data by James Potter. When I, Sirius Black, had to chat up a mother of two the following day - see Topic 3 - she seemed perfectly happy about it.
Topic 3 by Remus Lupin, 7 Gryffindor.
Experiment: For our Muggle Language practical, we explored a popular idiom, ‘It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby’. In English terms, ‘candy’ is sweets, so we set out, working as a team, to find a baby eating sweets and take the sweets away. (See Chapter Seven, The People Speak, p. 114, appendix 2: How To Get Your Own Way.)
The aim was to see how accurate the idiom was and discover whether we could easily take candy from a baby or whether the basic concept was flawed.
Method: We agreed to divide the workload as follows. Sirius Black would once more act as a diversion, and distract the mother or nanny of the baby while I did the actual taking of candy. This was because, to quote Sirius Black, ‘You have a kind face and babies will trust you.’ I thought that was really sweet of him, and told him that babies would trust him too, because he is very beautiful. He said that he wasn’t half as beautiful as me, and his haughty Black expression would terrify the average baby. I said that his haughty Black expression was extremely attractive.
We chose our own venue for the experiment, because we weren’t talking to James Potter, self-styled expert on London life, after the strip-club débâcle. For the record, we also found later that he should have directed us to Harrods, not Selfridges, for the shoplifting, because we probably wouldn’t have been caught so easily.
We performed this experiment on August 17th in Regent’s Park, North London, an attractive place where lots of mothers and babies hang out. There are fathers with babies too, of course: we are aware of the Muggle Sex Equality Act, and do not want to imply that only women can look after children, though I wouldn’t like to try it myself. But for the purposes of this experiment we weren’t looking for a father, because, as Sirius put it, ‘He’d punch our lights out if he thought we were molesting his kid.’ I thought a mother might do the same, but Sirius promised he could sweet-talk any woman.
Regent’s Park is also where I set free the baby crocodile, and I was hoping we might see him swimming in the canal.
We sat on a bench in the rose garden, and very soon noticed a mother with a baby in a push-chair and an older child walking beside it. Both children were eating ice-creams, and Sirius decided that we could count ice-creams as candy, especially as it was a hot day and the children weren’t likely to be eating sticky chocolate, etc.
He went and asked the woman the time - this is the standard pick-up line he got from the textbook, and it isn’t original, apparently. Actually, some of the contributors to Advanced Muggle Studies advise against it. However, it obviously works for Sirius, because he and the mother were soon deep in conversation. Fortunately, the older child was on some sort of reins, because otherwise it would have fallen in the canal, and so would its strawberry cornet.
I knelt down next to the pushchair where the baby was sitting and tried to take its ice-cream. It started to howl its head off, though I smiled and said, ‘Pretty baby.’ Then, the older child began to cry, and it could talk as well, I found! It said, ‘Mummy, mummy, nasty boy’s hurting the baby.’ I was quite impressed with its vocabulary and grasp of language, though I didn’t like being called a ‘nasty boy’.
Because this was for practical coursework, I felt I should at least make an attempt to complete the experiment, and wrested the ice-cream away from the baby. It went scarlet, screwed up its face even more and screamed so loudly that I was worried the police might come and arrest us again.
By this time, the mother was screaming too, in spite of Sirius trying to intervene by promising her a ride on his Hippogriff. Not that he has a Hippogriff, but he told me afterwards that he couldn't think of anything else on the spur of the moment.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work, because she slapped my face. Quite a crowd had gathered, and it was only Sirius’s quick thinking that prevented us having to Obliviate a group of hysterical women. He put his arm round my shoulders and said, ‘I’m sorry. My friend is mentally ill. He has schizophrenia, and they allow him out of the hospital to walk round parks with me. I apologise for his bad behaviour. He can’t help himself.’
This was quite a good interpretation of our Psychology and Psychiatry lessons, and I think that, as he used it for the practical purpose of defusing an ugly situation, we should be given a couple of extra marks. It’s up to you, of course!
For my part, I was actually a bit uptight about being branded mentally ill, and I didn’t talk to Sirius Black for the rest of the day, because he had the nerve to wink at that woman, and buy new ice-creams all round and generally be charming and annoying.
Conclusion: I think we proved at least one Muggle idiom to be faulty! Sirius suggests it may be easier with real candy rather than ice-cream, but I’m not trying that one again.
Topic 4 by Sirius Black, 7 Gryffindor.
Note: We titled this topic How Tolerant Are Muggles?
Experiment: We thought it would be fun interesting to look at the origins of the Muggle Sex Equality Act, mentioned above, with reference to Chapter 4, Sexual Revolution in Britain since 1963. Phew! In spite of the word ‘sexual’ in the title, the chapter’s pretty hard going, and I let Remus Lupin summarise it for me, because I got lost around the twentieth footnote. I may have a higher IQ than him on the Stanford-Binet scale, but he has a greater capacity for taking in dreary information.
Anyway, we finally decided that if Muggle idioms were flawed, their revolutions, sexual or otherwise, probably are too. After some discussion we decided that we would present ourselves as a couple in public (Remus Lupin’s wording: he’s asked me to note that specially) and see how people reacted in general.
Control: We needed a control for this, so we could compare Muggle and Wizarding attitudes. A few weeks ago, Remus and I went to a Wizarding Rally to raise funds for indigent witches. We got bored during the introductory speeches, so we put our arms round each other. This was an innocent gesture, of course, and part of our Divination work on hypnosis: the idea was to make everyone believe we were actually at opposite ends of the room.
It obviously didn't work, because we were immediately hit by about ten jinxes. Remus felt sick for the rest of the afternoon, and I had double vision for days. So, that was a complete washout. We did manage to hypnotise Remus's mum when I was spending a weekend at the Lupins' house, though, which made the visit really enjoyable!
The conclusion to this, of course, is that wizards and witches are very conservative and haven't had their sexual revolution yet.
Method: In order to get the Muggle take on the sexual revolution, we went into a café in the Strand. It was lunchtime, and there were lots of office workers eating things like spaghetti and shepherd’s pie with baked beans. Merlin, I don’t know how they can work in the afternoon after scoffing that lot!
Remus Lupin and I ordered coffees and cake, though the waitress made a fuss because it seems there’s a minimum charge at lunchtime, so to shut her up we also ordered two helpings of bacon and egg pie, which is generally called quiche by Muggles. (Food Reforms in Britain, Chapter Five: The Second French Invasion.)
Remus got a bit freaked out and said everyone was looking at us because the waitress had shouted, and I said that was the whole point, and he said should we leave this till another time and I said no.
For the purposes of scientific experiment, Remus and I pretended to be holding hands while we waited for our quiche to arrive. Well, we didn’t pretend to be holding hands, we were actually holding hands, but I mean we pretended to want to be holding hands. Remus smiled bravely at me and said, ‘Don’t worry, Black, this will get us an O on our coursework.’ I smiled back and said, ‘Anything to get a good mark, Lupin,’ and squeezed his hand to show my support in our joint endeavour.
We looked around to see if anyone had noticed, because according to the Revolution we should be allowed to do anything we like, as long as we’re not breaking laws, and of course we wouldn’t break Muggle laws in public. Though twenty-one is a bit old for blokes to be allowed to have it off with each other, isn’t it? By the time we’re twenty-one, we’ll be past it and just want to sit out in the garden dozing with handkerchiefs over our faces.
Anyway, the reactions were as follows:
Two girls eating cottage cheese at the table next to ours started to giggle and stare, and Remus told me that one of them muttered, ‘How adorable!’ But I don’t think Remus is a reliable witness. He also said they must be secretaries, because they were wearing white shirts and looked very tidy. Don’t ask me how he worked that out.
The businessmen at the big table in the middle of the room all went quiet. A couple of them turned very red, possibly with rage, and the others started muttering indignantly about how it shouldn’t be allowed, etc. etc. But they soon lost interest and got back to their lunches. This is very much the Muggle way.
The other people scattered round tended to glance at us once, register the hands, and then turn away looking impassive. Better than a hex, of course, but not exactly dramatic.
Remus muttered, ‘Should we kiss?’ but I thought that might be a bad idea, so I said, ‘No. Let’s wait till our food arrives.’
We were expecting the waitress to ask us to leave, but she just glanced at us warily and plonked down our plates. As we needed both hands for eating, this ended the experiment.
Remus Lupin claimed that the two secretaries watching us seemed a bit disappointed that we subsequently ignored each other, but I was too absorbed in my quiche to notice.
These reactions weren’t really quantifiable, unfortunately. Remus said we should try and create a graph, but this isn’t Arithmancy, and it would be next to impossible to work out the average time it takes to create a riot by holding hands with another bloke.
Conclusion: I was impressed by how tolerant Muggles are as compared to wizards: if we'd been in Diagon Alley, we probably wouldn't be around to write up our coursework! However, the experiment was very limited, and I felt we should have gone a lot further. Anyone can hold hands, can’t they? The Muggles may have thought we were two brothers, or best friends or something. I offered to snog Remus Lupin outside Buckingham Palace, where the Queen of England lives, but he said no thank you, I’d have to wait till we got home.
Topic 4½ by Remus Lupin, 7 Gryffindor
Note 1: Unfortunately, we weren't able to complete our research, so Sirius Black suggested that we don't count this as a full topic.
Note 2: Our initial plan was to study the arcane Muggle practice of ‘Morris Dancing.’ This consists of men and sometimes women, in weird clothes and hats, waving bells, sticks and handkerchiefs. They sing too.
I quote from the textbook: ‘Morris dancers emerge at May Day and Christmas, and sometimes in August. Their origins are obscure, and they do not represent fertility rites.’ We were glad about the fertility rites!
Experiment: To locate this action at a London pub and explain its popularity.
Method: Soon after the programme started, Sirius Black and I had to leave, because Sirius was making a lot of noise trying not to laugh. I had the foresight to take a photo, so you can see the men dancing.
Cricketers Morris Dancers at the Pig and Whistle, August 21st 1977
We hope you like the picture, Professor.
We had to abandon the experiment, sadly, because Morris Dancing is a pastime that wizards can't easily relate to. Instead, in order to salvage at least part of this section, we decided to substitute another sort of entertainment. We went to the Muggle cinema and saw a very soppy film about two abandoned dogs and a cat finding their way home. Sirius Black said I cried at the end, but I certainly didn’t! We combined this experience with another test of the sexual revolution (Topic 4), as Sirius thought I needed comforting and gave me a brotherly hug. The three people behind us weren’t as tolerant as the Muggles in the café, though, and one of them kicked the back of my seat! Sirius turned round and performed a Jelly-Brain Jinx on them so we could watch the rest of the film in peace. I’d have done it myself, but I was fumbling for a tissue at the time.
Conclusion: Muggle entertainments are either very funny or very sad. I did remember to take the spell off the people in the cinema. I also performed a Confundus Charm on them, so you can rest assured that Sirius Black and I observed all the rules about being discreet around Muggles!
We hope you’ve enjoyed the summary of our practical work, Professor Brewster, and that you’ll award us a good mark for all our efforts.
End
by minnow_53
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling and various corporations: well, some of them do. She may not want the stripper.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Era: MWPP, August-September 1977
Rating: PG
Summary: Remus and Sirius work hard on their Muggle Studies NEWT coursework.
Thanks: To astra_argentea for reading through.
Now crossposted to the_kennel, remusxsirius and two_boys.
What We Did In The Holidays
Subject: Muggle Studies Practical Coursework
Names: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin
Form: 7 Gryffindor
Date: September 2nd, 1977
Length: A yard of parchment.
Introduction
For our Muggle Studies practical coursework, we decided to take the Metropolitan Life section of the NEWT textbook and cover four or five topics. We used London as our base, because Sirius Black owns a flat there.
Topic 1 by Remus Lupin, 7 Gryffindor
Experiment: With reference to the chapter Shoplifting and Stealing Small Items (pages 91-94), we aimed to remove several objects from a Muggle shop without using our wands or any magic, and get away without being apprehended.
We decided that I would perform this part of the practical, because I blend into a crowd better than Sirius does, and we needed to be discreet.
Method: On 6th August 1977 Sirius Black and I entered the premises of Selfridges in Oxford Street, a large department store with plenty of opportunity for shoplifting.
We arranged for Sirius to create a diversion in the Ladies’ Lingerie department while I tried to steal a purse from Leather Goods, which is next door. I don’t know why the shop’s laid out like that. Sirius has made some unrepeatable comments about leather and underwear that aren’t really suitable for this report.
As it was a Saturday morning, the shop was crowded with women buying lingerie. Sirius stood by a display of knickers and clutched his heart and groaned, then rolled on the floor. He was immediately surrounded by kind women wanting to give him artificial respiration. A couple of them even rushed out of the changing rooms to see what was going on. Sirius tells me he hasn’t seen so many half-naked women since Lily Evans and Zoe Smith jinxed the girls on the Slytherin Quidditch team. Fortunately, he doesn’t fancy women, or the result might have been embarrassing.
While he was providing this distraction, I managed to purloin a red leather purse, a crocodile bag and two scarves. The scarves were just for ornament, I think, but they were easy to take so I included them, as they looked expensive. I put these items into the shoulder bag I was carrying for the purpose. I then entered the lingerie department and shooed the women away, saying ‘This is my friend and he’s subject to funny turns. He’ll be fine if I get him out in the fresh air.’
Sirius Black and I went out the side entrance, and were just on our way to Bond Street tube station when a man in a suit and tie clapped a heavy hand on my shoulder and asked me to follow him, please. He then repeated the gesture with Sirius.
Sirius said, ‘What are you doing?’
The man said, ‘I’m a store detective.’
I asked why, in that case, he wasn’t wearing a badge with Store Detective on it. I thought that was quite clever of me, until he rejoined, ‘Because I work undercover. I have to mingle with the shoppers. If I had a badge, nobody'd ever steal anything when I was around, would they?’
‘Wouldn’t that be a good thing?’ I asked, but the man didn’t answer.
The title of detective reminded me about our lesson on the police, so I inferred that Sirius and I were being arrested. I was pleased to have talked to the man about his job, because that counts as Sirius and my Muggle interview, though it was quite short.
He took us up to the manager’s office on the top floor. We went by escalator, which was very instructive because we passed some interesting departments, giving us a chance to glimpse how Muggles live. There was a rather meagre book section, and Sirius spotted a wonderful range of small ironcast cars and trains. Sirius has always been very fond of Muggle vehicles, and muttered to me that he wished we’d done the shoplifting in the toy department instead.
The manager didn’t even ask us to sit down, which was rather rude of him, I thought. He ordered me to empty out my bag. Fortunately, I was able to reach my wand and do a quick wordless spell. Instead of one red leather purse, one crocodile bag and two expensive silk scarves, my bag just contained a packet of Rothmans cigarettes and a hip-flask full of Firewhisky.
The store detective mumbled something that sounded like, ‘Oh, we’ve got a crafty one here, have we?’ and said to the manager, ‘No worries, sir. We caught this lad on the security cameras.’ He then did an amazing thing, which you’d have loved, Professor Brewster. He turned on a box that looked like a Muggle television and used some sort of technology to show pictures of us on a screen!
It was brilliant! There were lovely shots of Sirius rolling on the ground, looking very convincing, and very hot too: I could understand why all those pretty Muggle women were kneeling beside him and massaging his wrists! All the same, I was a bit cross about them pawing Sirius like that, but he reminded me later that it was all in a good cause.
Then, we saw pictures of me taking the items from Leather Goods. I felt quite critical of my technique, actually, because I was relying on Sirius to divert everyone's attention, which made me a bit sloppy. In fact, he was diverting my attention as well, and I was concentrating more on him than on the crocodile bag. I also folded the scarves, which probably wasted time.
When the show was over, the store detective took my bag and turned it upside down, then insisted on examining my pockets, though I could hardly have fitted a whole bag in there. He also asked Sirius to empty his pockets, but probably regretted it when Sirius produced a white mouse and a packet of Smarties.
The store detective still looked suspicious, and insisted on uncorking the hipflask and sniffing the contents. I suppose he must have thought I’d hidden the scarves in there. He even tasted some of the Firewhisky, then coughed for about five minutes and turned to the manager and said, ‘We won’t be pressing charges, Mr Armitage.’ He told us to get out very crossly, without even an apology.
For the record, Sirius Black and I tried some of the Firewhisky, and it did taste a little bit leathery, proving that my wordless Transfiguration skills may need revision!
Conclusion: The experiment could be seen as a failure, because we got caught, and if we’d been Muggles we would have appeared in a Magistrate’s Court and been fined. I am aware that we will probably lose a few marks on this coursework for using magic to get out of trouble.
However, in mitigation, I have to add that when we arrived home, Sirius Black said ‘Close your eyes,’ and when I looked, he had produced three pairs of frilly knickers from up his sleeve. ‘Nicked them from the lingerie department,’ he explained. So you could say that shoplifting can be easy and that as a team we succeeded in our mission.
Footnote: I subsequently changed the hipflask back into a crocodile bag. I then Transfigured it into its original form, a baby crocodile, and set it free in Regent’s Park canal.
Topic 2 by Sirius Black, 7 Gryffindor
Experiment: Picking up women at a Muggle night club. (Please refer to Chapter 2 of the NEWT textbook, The English At Play, starting on p. 20.)
Note: We agreed that I, Sirius Black, would be really good at this. Remus said, and I quote, ‘You’re so hot, babe! Those girls will be after you like nothing on earth.’
Note: Professor, he’s joking! I said, and I quote, ‘That is a good idea, Black. You will be able to judge the experience very objectively.’ RL.
Method: On the evening of August 16th, Remus Lupin and I proceeded to the area of London known as Soho, and specifically a nightclub called ‘Take ‘Em Off’, recommended by our mutual friend, James Potter, whose parents are incredibly liberal for purebloods. They let him have a Muggle-born girlfriend! Mine won’t even let me have a halfblood boyfriend! I mean, really.
I digress. We entered the premises at eleven twenty-five pm, hoping that, in the words of the chapter mentioned above, ‘the joint would be jumping’.
We weren’t too surprised that the club was dark, because clubs are, aren’t they? It’s easier to pick up girls in the dark if you’re an ugly bloke with acne. However, I did a quick Lumos and found that, in this case, the lack of lighting just hid the seediness of the place. The floor was littered with fag-ends, for a start, and Remus swore he saw a rat.
The music was dreadful too. Remus told me it was a very slow instrumental version of the Beatles' Yellow Submarine, and it certainly didn't sound the sort of thing you'd be able to dance to. I said, ‘It's a bit tinny,’ and Remus agreed.
As we proceeded further into the room, we realised that the clientèle consisted exclusively of oldish men in macintoshes. They were sitting at tables in front of a small stage, and there was this blonde bird up there, removing her clothes in time to the awful music! She wasn’t even pretty. She had a round face and round blue eyes and was wearing makeup an inch thick. She also looked really bored.
I noted, as Remus would say, that there was a nautical theme. The blonde bird was wearing a sailor hat and a striped top, though she was in the process of taking the striped top off. There was also a backdrop with a picture of a boat on it.
Remus said to me, ‘Hey, Padfoot, this looks like a strip club!’ He was as confused as I was.
Note: Professor, he’s joking again. I actually said, ‘Oh, look, this may not be the sort of club described in the chapter.’ RL.
My first thought was, ‘I’ll kill you, Prongs!’ I had to assume this was a prank of some sort. Maybe he, sorry, James Potter meant to make a sly dig at Remus Lupin and me, because we are slow developers and don’t necessarily choose to spend our time ogling half-naked women in magazines, the way he does.
I have to say that the men at the tables seemed to be enjoying the show. Some of them were even whistling every time the blonde bird took off another item of her sailor suit. I bet bloody James Potter would’ve been riveted too.
Remus Lupin and I looked round the club for women for me to pick up, but there was only the one on the stage, plus a few girls hanging round the bar. I went to buy drinks for Remus and me, and some of the girls pushed in front of me and demanded that I buy them drinks too. Well! Remus Lupin took me aside and told me that it didn’t count as picking up a girl if I got drinks for any of them, because they were trying to pick me up.
Fortunately, he had his Muggle Studies textbook with him, and referred me to the section on Scams and Cheating, which explains that girls in strip clubs try to get unsuspecting customers drunk, then take their wallets. Naturally, we didn’t have wallets, but we decided that the whole venture was a waste of our time anyway, and left shortly after the blonde bird had removed the top half of her costume.
Conclusion: This part of the practical was a definite failure, but that was because we were given faulty data by James Potter. When I, Sirius Black, had to chat up a mother of two the following day - see Topic 3 - she seemed perfectly happy about it.
Topic 3 by Remus Lupin, 7 Gryffindor.
Experiment: For our Muggle Language practical, we explored a popular idiom, ‘It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby’. In English terms, ‘candy’ is sweets, so we set out, working as a team, to find a baby eating sweets and take the sweets away. (See Chapter Seven, The People Speak, p. 114, appendix 2: How To Get Your Own Way.)
The aim was to see how accurate the idiom was and discover whether we could easily take candy from a baby or whether the basic concept was flawed.
Method: We agreed to divide the workload as follows. Sirius Black would once more act as a diversion, and distract the mother or nanny of the baby while I did the actual taking of candy. This was because, to quote Sirius Black, ‘You have a kind face and babies will trust you.’ I thought that was really sweet of him, and told him that babies would trust him too, because he is very beautiful. He said that he wasn’t half as beautiful as me, and his haughty Black expression would terrify the average baby. I said that his haughty Black expression was extremely attractive.
We chose our own venue for the experiment, because we weren’t talking to James Potter, self-styled expert on London life, after the strip-club débâcle. For the record, we also found later that he should have directed us to Harrods, not Selfridges, for the shoplifting, because we probably wouldn’t have been caught so easily.
We performed this experiment on August 17th in Regent’s Park, North London, an attractive place where lots of mothers and babies hang out. There are fathers with babies too, of course: we are aware of the Muggle Sex Equality Act, and do not want to imply that only women can look after children, though I wouldn’t like to try it myself. But for the purposes of this experiment we weren’t looking for a father, because, as Sirius put it, ‘He’d punch our lights out if he thought we were molesting his kid.’ I thought a mother might do the same, but Sirius promised he could sweet-talk any woman.
Regent’s Park is also where I set free the baby crocodile, and I was hoping we might see him swimming in the canal.
We sat on a bench in the rose garden, and very soon noticed a mother with a baby in a push-chair and an older child walking beside it. Both children were eating ice-creams, and Sirius decided that we could count ice-creams as candy, especially as it was a hot day and the children weren’t likely to be eating sticky chocolate, etc.
He went and asked the woman the time - this is the standard pick-up line he got from the textbook, and it isn’t original, apparently. Actually, some of the contributors to Advanced Muggle Studies advise against it. However, it obviously works for Sirius, because he and the mother were soon deep in conversation. Fortunately, the older child was on some sort of reins, because otherwise it would have fallen in the canal, and so would its strawberry cornet.
I knelt down next to the pushchair where the baby was sitting and tried to take its ice-cream. It started to howl its head off, though I smiled and said, ‘Pretty baby.’ Then, the older child began to cry, and it could talk as well, I found! It said, ‘Mummy, mummy, nasty boy’s hurting the baby.’ I was quite impressed with its vocabulary and grasp of language, though I didn’t like being called a ‘nasty boy’.
Because this was for practical coursework, I felt I should at least make an attempt to complete the experiment, and wrested the ice-cream away from the baby. It went scarlet, screwed up its face even more and screamed so loudly that I was worried the police might come and arrest us again.
By this time, the mother was screaming too, in spite of Sirius trying to intervene by promising her a ride on his Hippogriff. Not that he has a Hippogriff, but he told me afterwards that he couldn't think of anything else on the spur of the moment.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work, because she slapped my face. Quite a crowd had gathered, and it was only Sirius’s quick thinking that prevented us having to Obliviate a group of hysterical women. He put his arm round my shoulders and said, ‘I’m sorry. My friend is mentally ill. He has schizophrenia, and they allow him out of the hospital to walk round parks with me. I apologise for his bad behaviour. He can’t help himself.’
This was quite a good interpretation of our Psychology and Psychiatry lessons, and I think that, as he used it for the practical purpose of defusing an ugly situation, we should be given a couple of extra marks. It’s up to you, of course!
For my part, I was actually a bit uptight about being branded mentally ill, and I didn’t talk to Sirius Black for the rest of the day, because he had the nerve to wink at that woman, and buy new ice-creams all round and generally be charming and annoying.
Conclusion: I think we proved at least one Muggle idiom to be faulty! Sirius suggests it may be easier with real candy rather than ice-cream, but I’m not trying that one again.
Topic 4 by Sirius Black, 7 Gryffindor.
Note: We titled this topic How Tolerant Are Muggles?
Experiment: We thought it would be fun interesting to look at the origins of the Muggle Sex Equality Act, mentioned above, with reference to Chapter 4, Sexual Revolution in Britain since 1963. Phew! In spite of the word ‘sexual’ in the title, the chapter’s pretty hard going, and I let Remus Lupin summarise it for me, because I got lost around the twentieth footnote. I may have a higher IQ than him on the Stanford-Binet scale, but he has a greater capacity for taking in dreary information.
Anyway, we finally decided that if Muggle idioms were flawed, their revolutions, sexual or otherwise, probably are too. After some discussion we decided that we would present ourselves as a couple in public (Remus Lupin’s wording: he’s asked me to note that specially) and see how people reacted in general.
Control: We needed a control for this, so we could compare Muggle and Wizarding attitudes. A few weeks ago, Remus and I went to a Wizarding Rally to raise funds for indigent witches. We got bored during the introductory speeches, so we put our arms round each other. This was an innocent gesture, of course, and part of our Divination work on hypnosis: the idea was to make everyone believe we were actually at opposite ends of the room.
It obviously didn't work, because we were immediately hit by about ten jinxes. Remus felt sick for the rest of the afternoon, and I had double vision for days. So, that was a complete washout. We did manage to hypnotise Remus's mum when I was spending a weekend at the Lupins' house, though, which made the visit really enjoyable!
The conclusion to this, of course, is that wizards and witches are very conservative and haven't had their sexual revolution yet.
Method: In order to get the Muggle take on the sexual revolution, we went into a café in the Strand. It was lunchtime, and there were lots of office workers eating things like spaghetti and shepherd’s pie with baked beans. Merlin, I don’t know how they can work in the afternoon after scoffing that lot!
Remus Lupin and I ordered coffees and cake, though the waitress made a fuss because it seems there’s a minimum charge at lunchtime, so to shut her up we also ordered two helpings of bacon and egg pie, which is generally called quiche by Muggles. (Food Reforms in Britain, Chapter Five: The Second French Invasion.)
Remus got a bit freaked out and said everyone was looking at us because the waitress had shouted, and I said that was the whole point, and he said should we leave this till another time and I said no.
For the purposes of scientific experiment, Remus and I pretended to be holding hands while we waited for our quiche to arrive. Well, we didn’t pretend to be holding hands, we were actually holding hands, but I mean we pretended to want to be holding hands. Remus smiled bravely at me and said, ‘Don’t worry, Black, this will get us an O on our coursework.’ I smiled back and said, ‘Anything to get a good mark, Lupin,’ and squeezed his hand to show my support in our joint endeavour.
We looked around to see if anyone had noticed, because according to the Revolution we should be allowed to do anything we like, as long as we’re not breaking laws, and of course we wouldn’t break Muggle laws in public. Though twenty-one is a bit old for blokes to be allowed to have it off with each other, isn’t it? By the time we’re twenty-one, we’ll be past it and just want to sit out in the garden dozing with handkerchiefs over our faces.
Anyway, the reactions were as follows:
Two girls eating cottage cheese at the table next to ours started to giggle and stare, and Remus told me that one of them muttered, ‘How adorable!’ But I don’t think Remus is a reliable witness. He also said they must be secretaries, because they were wearing white shirts and looked very tidy. Don’t ask me how he worked that out.
The businessmen at the big table in the middle of the room all went quiet. A couple of them turned very red, possibly with rage, and the others started muttering indignantly about how it shouldn’t be allowed, etc. etc. But they soon lost interest and got back to their lunches. This is very much the Muggle way.
The other people scattered round tended to glance at us once, register the hands, and then turn away looking impassive. Better than a hex, of course, but not exactly dramatic.
Remus muttered, ‘Should we kiss?’ but I thought that might be a bad idea, so I said, ‘No. Let’s wait till our food arrives.’
We were expecting the waitress to ask us to leave, but she just glanced at us warily and plonked down our plates. As we needed both hands for eating, this ended the experiment.
Remus Lupin claimed that the two secretaries watching us seemed a bit disappointed that we subsequently ignored each other, but I was too absorbed in my quiche to notice.
These reactions weren’t really quantifiable, unfortunately. Remus said we should try and create a graph, but this isn’t Arithmancy, and it would be next to impossible to work out the average time it takes to create a riot by holding hands with another bloke.
Conclusion: I was impressed by how tolerant Muggles are as compared to wizards: if we'd been in Diagon Alley, we probably wouldn't be around to write up our coursework! However, the experiment was very limited, and I felt we should have gone a lot further. Anyone can hold hands, can’t they? The Muggles may have thought we were two brothers, or best friends or something. I offered to snog Remus Lupin outside Buckingham Palace, where the Queen of England lives, but he said no thank you, I’d have to wait till we got home.
Topic 4½ by Remus Lupin, 7 Gryffindor
Note 1: Unfortunately, we weren't able to complete our research, so Sirius Black suggested that we don't count this as a full topic.
Note 2: Our initial plan was to study the arcane Muggle practice of ‘Morris Dancing.’ This consists of men and sometimes women, in weird clothes and hats, waving bells, sticks and handkerchiefs. They sing too.
I quote from the textbook: ‘Morris dancers emerge at May Day and Christmas, and sometimes in August. Their origins are obscure, and they do not represent fertility rites.’ We were glad about the fertility rites!
Experiment: To locate this action at a London pub and explain its popularity.
Method: Soon after the programme started, Sirius Black and I had to leave, because Sirius was making a lot of noise trying not to laugh. I had the foresight to take a photo, so you can see the men dancing.
Cricketers Morris Dancers at the Pig and Whistle, August 21st 1977
We hope you like the picture, Professor.
We had to abandon the experiment, sadly, because Morris Dancing is a pastime that wizards can't easily relate to. Instead, in order to salvage at least part of this section, we decided to substitute another sort of entertainment. We went to the Muggle cinema and saw a very soppy film about two abandoned dogs and a cat finding their way home. Sirius Black said I cried at the end, but I certainly didn’t! We combined this experience with another test of the sexual revolution (Topic 4), as Sirius thought I needed comforting and gave me a brotherly hug. The three people behind us weren’t as tolerant as the Muggles in the café, though, and one of them kicked the back of my seat! Sirius turned round and performed a Jelly-Brain Jinx on them so we could watch the rest of the film in peace. I’d have done it myself, but I was fumbling for a tissue at the time.
Conclusion: Muggle entertainments are either very funny or very sad. I did remember to take the spell off the people in the cinema. I also performed a Confundus Charm on them, so you can rest assured that Sirius Black and I observed all the rules about being discreet around Muggles!
We hope you’ve enjoyed the summary of our practical work, Professor Brewster, and that you’ll award us a good mark for all our efforts.
End