Fic: Harry Potter And The Missing Text

Sep 04, 2005 18:20

Harry Potter And The Missing Text
By minnow_53

Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling and various corporations.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The missing sections from some of the Harry Potter books have been retrieved.
Era: AU, technically. I suppose.
Spoilers: Yes.
Thanks: To astra_argentea for a quick beta.
Dedication: To liadlaith, four days late for her birthday!

This is crack fic. It's now crossposted to remusxsirius, two_boys and hp_whatif.


Harry Potter And The Missing Text

A senior editor at Bloomsbury has recently admitted that she often pressed the Delete key by accident when scrolling down text to be revised in the Harry Potter books. We can now bring you certain passages that were cut as a result, and show them in context at last. Excerpts from the ‘official’ published versions are in italics. All page numbers are from the UK hardback editions.

1. Prisoner of Azkaban, p. 252.

‘Next moment, he had walked to Black’s side, seized his hand, pulled him to his feet so that Crookshanks fell on the floor, and embraced Black like a brother.’

Sirius returned the hug with enthusiasm, deepening and extending the contact between the two men until their mouths met in an ardent, hungry kiss that seemed, to the watching children, to last forever.

‘Professor Lupin?’ Hermione ventured timidly after a while. ‘I think we should perform a citizens’ arrest on Sirius Black now, or at least an Unforgiveable Curse.’

‘What’s an Unforgiveable Curse?’ asked Ron, and Harry marvelled, yet again, at Hermoine’s ability to know stuff that they hadn’t done in school yet.

Lupin mumbled something that sounded like, ‘Mmmff, mmfff, mfff,’ but actually meant, ‘Not right now, Hermione. Sirius and I are enjoying our first snog for thirteen years.’

Harry seized his wand, and cold water poured down from the ceiling of the Shack on to the two men, who didn’t even falter in their embrace, but moved instead, still glued at the lips, to the bed, where they lay down and started to do quite unspeakable things.

Ron cried out with pain. ‘Ow! My leg!’

Lupin and Sirius completely ignored him…

2. Prisoner of Azkaban, p 310.

‘Goodbye, then, Remus,’ said Dumbledore soberly. Lupin shifted the Grindylow tank slightly so that he and Dumbledore could shake hands. Then, with a final nod to Harry, and a swift smile, Lupin left the office.

‘Look in my crystal ball, Harry,’ Dumbledore said gently. ‘There’s something Sirius would have wanted me to explain.’

Harry looked, and saw the tiny figure of Lupin making his way off Hogwarts land and into Hogsmeade, where he mounted his broomstick and flew through the window of a top floor room in the Hogsmeade Arms.

‘It’s a humble coaching inn,’ Dumbledore informed him, ‘where generations of lovers have hidden away from prying husbands and wives.’

For some reason, Harry wanted to cry, even though nobody had died during this particular adventure. ‘I’m not sure I need to know that, Professor.’

His attention was diverted by the sight of Sirius helping Lupin dismount. He saw Buckbeak, tethered in a corner and wearing a makeshift blindfold.

‘Just one night away from you has felt longer than the past thirteen years!’ moaned Sirius, as he and Lupin moved over to the bed. It seemed like only seconds to the horrified Harry before they were naked and lying there together, touching each other and positively smirking. It was just like a repeat of the scene at the Shack, only without the robes.

‘Got any lube?’

‘Oh, shit.’ Lupin groaned, not a groan of pleasure, Harry was relieved to note, but of frustration.

‘Well, you’ve still got a wand, Remus,’ Sirius pointed out. ‘Unlike me.’

Lupin laughed. ‘You can hardly say you don’t have a wand when -- ’

Professor Dumbledore hastily covered the crystal ball with a white cloth, cutting off the rest of Lupin’s sentence. ‘I think we’ve seen enough for you to get the picture, Harry. Not so much of the ‘Professor’ Lupin now, eh?’ He chuckled, rather obscenely, Harry felt…

3. Order of the Phoenix, p.568.

‘You might,’ said Lupin darkly from behind his book. ‘We’ve still got Transfiguration, if you’re bored you could test me. Here…’ and he held out his book.

But Sirius snorted. ‘I don’t need to look at that rubbish, I know it all.’

He seized the book roughly from Lupin and flung it in the lake. Harry felt distinctly apprehensive as he watched.

‘But here’s something I really do want to revise.’ Sirius threw Lupin roughly to the ground and lay on top of him kissing him passionately, undoing Lupin's robes with one hand while cupping the other round his neck to pull him closer.

James, who was playing with the Snitch again, left it suspended in mid-air as he glowered at them. ‘Honestly, Sirius! Can’t you go somewhere more private?’

‘No.’

Above them, a couple of anxious clouds scudded by. Peter turned to James and said loudly, ‘Who d’you fancy for the Cup this year?’

James ignored him, and pulled irritably at Sirius’s leg, which elicited a string of curses. ‘Don’t encourage him, Prongs,’ Peter yelped.

‘I’m not. I was trying to stop him.’

‘Didn’t work.’

Indeed it hadn’t, for Sirius and Lupin were now rolling round on the grass, making many strange noises and apparently in the grip of uncontrollable lust. Harry cringed at their throaty moans of desire.

‘Bloody exhibitionists!’ Snape grumbled from his position further along the bank of the lake.

Sirius, very pleased with himself, got off Lupin and smoothed down his robes. ‘Feeling better, Moony?’

Lupin, obviously trying not to look smug, said, ‘I’ll feel better when I’ve finished revising my Transfiguration, Sirius. Accio my book back for me, will you?’

Sirius obliged, then lay down on the grass with a huge sigh. ‘Merlin, public sex after an exam really takes it out of you,’ he said.

Peter sniggered, and James cuffed him round the head.

‘I need a nap,’ Sirius said, closing his eyes.

‘This’ll liven you up, Padfoot,’ said James quietly. ‘Look who it is…’

4. Order of the Phoenix, p. 593.

‘No,’ said Sirius, glancing behind him. ‘It must be somebody your end.’

Harry’s heart skipped several beats.

‘I’d better go!’ he said hastily and pulled his head out of the Grimmauld Place fire.

Seconds later, he was back again. ‘False alarm!’ he cried. ‘Hey, Lupin, Sirius, where are you?’

The two men didn’t hear him, because they were now far too absorbed in each other. ‘As bloody usual,’ Harry thought sourly.

Though he’d seen Lupin and Sirius having sex several times now, he still flinched at the scene before him. Lupin was bent over the kitchen table, and Sirius was kissing his way down the back of his neck and lifting his robes.

‘You always were an accomplished Leglimens,’ Lupin said in a husky voice.

‘Better than Snape, eh?’

‘Don’t bring Snape into this, Padfoot.’

‘He wishes!’ Sirius had undone Lupin’s robes now, and seemed to be arranging him against the table, like a giant doll. Harry couldn’t help reflecting that his godfather must be one of the world’s experts at removing another wizard’s robes.

Harry shut his eyes tight: he really didn’t want to watch this. He tumbled on to Umbridge's hearth at top speed, only to hear Filch’s voice. He listened for a moment: the half-crazed caretaker was muttering something about whips.

Hadn’t this day been bad enough already?

Caught between the traumatic sight of Lupin and Sirius having it off on the kitchen table and the equally traumatic sound of Filch expounding on corporal punishment, Harry decided that Grimmauld Place was the lesser of two evils, and dived through the fire once again.

After a few minutes, he finally risked a quick peek into the kitchen. To his surprise and pleasure, the two men had obviously finished whatever they’d been doing, and Lupin was bustling about making a cup of tea. However, Harry barely had time to catch a glimpse of the wholesome scene - no whips or leather here! - when the noises from Umbridge’s office reached his ears again…

5. Order of the Phoenix, p. 713.

‘SHE KILLED SIRIUS!’ bellowed Harry. ‘SHE KILLED HIM - I’LL KILL HER!’

Lupin was right behind him, and caught hold of his robes to stop him.

‘Harry, listen. I can’t say more now, but you were absolutely right. Sirius is alive. He’s just hiding behind the Veil and pretending to be dead. It’s for expedience. When this fuss has died down, I’m fetching him and taking him to a safe house.’

Harry stared at him, uncomprehending. ‘But…why?’

‘Well, we’re going to Canada eventually. To get married. But that’s meant to be a secret too. Like Sirius still being alive. So don’t go blabbing to all your friends about long white robes and bow ties, will you? Veils, maybe. In the circumstances.’

Exasperated beyond measure, Harry spluttered, ‘For goodness’ sake! You’re putting me through all this just so you and Sirius can be together?’

‘Merlin, no!’ said Lupin. ‘That’s simply one of the bonuses. It’s Order business. Confidential. But you must promise me you’ll pretend Sirius is dead, all right? Nobody but you, Dumbledore and I know he’s really alive.’

‘Cool!’ Harry said, his heart beating with wild joy. ‘But I’m still going to kill Bellatrix.’

‘Fine, Harry. Go ahead. Good luck!’

‘Thanks, Professor Lupin.’

He was so happy that it took a minute for him to summon up his rage again…

6. Half-Blood Prince, p. 583.

‘Dumbledore would have been happier than anyone to think there was a little more love in the world,’ said Professor McGonagall curtly, just as the hospital doors opened again and Hagrid walked in.

‘Which is why,’ Lupin said coolly, ‘it’s time I revealed to you that Sirius Black is alive and hiding in a converted oast house in Kent. We bought it last year, and Sirius has redecorated completely. It was a real tip when we moved in, but it’s gorgeous now. He’s a brilliant painter. House painter, that is.’

Professor McGonagall sagged on to a chair. ‘No, Remus. It can’t be…’

‘It can. He taught himself, even. Just give him a pot of emulsion and a brush, and you should see him go! Ceilings? Corners? No problem. He’s got a real talent.’

‘I am referring to Sirius being alive,’ McGonagall broke in icily.

‘Oh, right. Well, Dumbledore knew, of course…’ Lupin let a sob escape him. ‘Why d’you think I’m sadder that he’s dead than I was about Sirius?’

Tonks was standing transfixed. Her hair was no longer even mousy but had turned an ashen shade of grey, not a shiny, lovely grey like Sirius’s eyes but dull and lank. Her face seemed to have crumpled in on itself, and she looked about a hundred. It was laughable, Harry thought, that Remus could ever have described himself as ‘too old’ for this foul hag now wailing like a banshee at Bill’s bedside.

Madam Pomfrey bustled over. ‘Please be quiet, Miss Tonks. This is a hospital wing, not a circus…’

7. Half-Blood Prince, p. 597.

Most Harry did not recognise, but there were a few that he did, including members of the Order of the Phoenix: Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mad-Eye Moody, Tonks, her hair miraculously restored to vividest pink, Remus Lupin, with whom she seemed to be holding hands…

Harry heaved a sigh of relief: the replica Tonks seemed to be bearing up well under the strain, and Remus was dutifully doing his bit. Thank Merlin that Tonks was a metamorphmagus, Harry mused, so nobody could say for sure that the pink-haired woman sitting beside Lupin wasn’t her.

There hadn't been time to brew a complex Polyjuice Potion, so the new Tonks was a Squib who acted in Muggle films from time to time, and needed the money.

The real Tonks was under heavy sedation in the Hospital Wing. At least she’d miss this grim and terrible ceremony.

He could hear Lupin murmuring something in the replica Tonks’s ear. It sounded like: ‘Sirius and I decided against green. It always looks institutional, doesn’t it?’

‘Oh, yes,’ the fake Tonks agreed. ‘I like a nice blue, myself.’

‘Well, we settled for peach in the end,’ Lupin confided…

8. Half-Blood Prince, p. 604.

‘He will only be gone from the school when none here are loyal to him,’ said Harry, smiling in spite of himself.

He glanced inadvertently at the people still milling around under the trees. Right at the back of the crowd, Dumbledore and Sirius Black were mingling with the other mourners, both of them heavily muffled in thick robes, even on this summer day. Harry had been let in on the surprise twist, and warned not to utter a word about it.

‘You didn’t honestly think I could die, did you, Harry?’ Dumbledore had asked just last night, in the Gryffindor common room. ‘ Haven’t you ever wondered what really happened to the Philosopher’s Stone? But it’s the same deal as Sirius. Nobody else must know, all right?’

Harry tried to force his face into a serious expression. It was a wasted effort, though, as Lupin had let go of the surrogate Tonks’s hand and was waving and grinning towards the spot where Sirius was standing. Honestly, werewolves…

With difficulty, he turned his attention back to Scrimgeour, who thought he knew it all yet knew so little…

9. Half-Blood Prince, p. 607.

…he felt his heart lift at the thought that there was still one last golden day of peace to share with Ron and Hermione.

And he was looking forward to this evening too. He and Dumbledore were picking Draco Malfoy up from the Room of Requirement, where he was being hidden from the Death Eaters, and taking him to the Kent oast house. He hoped that Lupin and Sirius had learned to be a bit more discreet.

He also hoped that he and Draco could learn to be friends at last during the enforced exile to come. Draco looked so pretty when he smiled: prettier than Ginny even…

End

missing_text, humour, crack, au

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