Fic: Back From The Future
Back From The Future
By minnow_53
Disclaimer: JKR’s.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: The fandom version of the final chapter and epilogue in the Harry Potter series. When the Marauders return from their trip to the future, it is obvious that Peter must die...
A couple of days ago, I posted a fairly serious take on the Deathly Hallows epilogue. This rather different version might appeal more to certain members of my f-list. :P You know who you are! It's a one-shot, of course, and stands on its own.
Chapter Seventy-Eight
Back From The Future
‘Avada Kedavra!’ Harry faced Voldemort boldly, and the Dark Lord glowered back at him, red eyes glowing like great and sinister rubies in the dusk.
‘Master!’ gloated Pettigrew, grovelling on the hard ground.
The scene faded, and the Marauders felt themselves being dragged backward through time.
‘1987! 1986! 1985!’ chanted James and Sirius as the years fell away. The Time-Turner reached 1977 just as they got to Hogwarts castle, where they landed in a heap in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.
‘I’m going to marry Evans!’ James announced to a group of uninterested Gryffindors as he climbed into the common room. ‘Where is she? Hey, Evans, we’re going to have a baby!’
‘Over my dead body,’ Lily Evans sneered.
‘That means we get to have sex!’ James said, too excited to notice Lily's unenthusiastic tone. He flung his arms around her and gave her a smacking kiss. ‘Let's start practising now, shall we? Mrs Potter!’
Lily whipped out her wand and put a Sponge Knees Curse on him, grinning triumphantly at her best friend, Zoe Smith, as James sank to the floor, crying out in agony.
The sound of his anguished groans woke Peter, who had been placed in a quiet corner, with Remus and Sirius standing guard. He tried to rub his eyes. ‘So... was it all a dream?’ he said, confused.
‘Not quite,’ said Remus. ‘We really did see James’s son, Harry, coming to Hogwarts. We saw his friends Ron and Hermione, and a baby dragon. Oh, and Voldemort, of course.’
‘You mean You-Know-Who?’ Peter went white.
‘We mean Voldemort, Wormtail,’ said Sirius. ‘The man you spied for. Remember? You told him where Prongs was? Then, you helped him get his body back so he could take over the Wizarding world. You can't deny it! We were right there with you, weren't we, Remus?’
‘Of course we were,’ said Remus. ‘Though I can't say we looked very good. It’s a pity somebody set the Time-Turner wrong and we had to endure seven years of the twenty-first century. I really could have done without those movies. That strange little Muggle wasn’t remotely like you, Padfoot! And I don’t look like Thewlis, do I?’
‘Not in the slightest! You're beautiful!’ Sirius said, clutching Remus to his heart and kissing him fervently on the lips. ‘Though not as beautiful as me.’ He tossed his impeccable locks, which immediately fell back gracefully into place. ‘That’s the main reason I have to be saved from Azkaban, Moony. No magic, no hairdressers, no straightening spells...I’d simply die.’
‘You did die.’
‘Well, I don’t want to die with bad hair.’
‘I didn’t mean to set the Time-Turner wrong!’ cried Peter. ‘I did exactly what Prongs told me. Is that why I’m in a Full Body Bind?’
Remus and Sirius glanced at each other, distressed.
‘We’re going to have to kill you, Wormtail,’ Sirius said. ‘Otherwise, the Wizarding world will end up in complete chaos. We’ll Stun you first, and then we’ll tie you to the rails when the Hogwarts Express is coming along. Make it look like an accident.’
‘The Hogwarts Express won’t be along for three weeks,’ Remus said, and Sirius said, ‘Whatever. Moony, d’you realise we haven’t shagged for about thirty years? Let’s sneak upstairs for a while, and Peter can rest a bit before we finish him off.’
‘You certainly made enough noise shagging this morning,’ Peter grumbled.
‘You haven’t grasped the finer points of time-travel, have you?’ Sirius said. ‘Now, don’t move.’
‘I can't move,’ Peter pointed out.
Up in the dorm, Sirius stripped off all his clothes, and then stripped off Remus’s, prancing around the room with both sets of robes held high in the air.
‘Bet you can’t catch me!’ he caroled, as Remus tried to snatch his robes back. ‘Anyway, my crystal ball tells me you won’t be needing these for the next couple of hours.’
‘Your crystal ball may be wrong,’ Remus said, as his acute werewolf ears detected a feeble ‘Alohomora!’ outside the door. It creaked open and a disconsolate James came in, still limping from the after-effects of the curse. He was so distraught that he didn’t even seem to notice his two friends cavorting naked by the fireplace.
‘Are you sure that was the real future?’ he asked. ‘Only, Evans didn't just jinx me. She's sworn she'll never talk to me again! I thought we'd be Head Boy and Girl and she'd fall in love with me!’
‘Well, I hope it's the real future,’ Sirius said, ‘seeing as we’re going to kill Wormtail before he betrays you and sends my ass to Azkaban.’
‘Which would be a terrible waste,’ Remus said. ‘Would you mind leaving now, Prongs? We’re about to have a very intimate moment.’
With a sob, James fumbled his way out of the room.
‘Show me this intimate moment!’ Sirius flung himself on Remus and wrestled him to the bed, where they proceeded to shag for a good three minutes before both of them came, screwing up their eyes and making weird noises. Remus looked a bit rumpled afterwards, in a sort of adorable tousled way, but Sirius’s hair remained immaculate, and incredibly hot.
‘Wow. That’s what thirty years’ abstinence does for you,’ breathed Sirius. ‘Let’s do it again.’
Fifteen hours later, when afternoon had given way to night, and night to morning, Remus suddenly exclaimed, ‘Padfoot! We’ve left Peter down in the common room in a Full Body Bind. I just hope nobody’s finished the spell.’
‘Nobody would,’ said Sirius with assurance. ‘Everyone hates that little twerp.’
That was, sadly true; and downstairs, Peter was whimpering as he tried in vain to achieve his Animagus form. When he saw his friends, he struggled to stretch out his arms in a gesture of trust, but the Body Bind stayed firmly in place.
‘It’s okay, little guy,’ Sirius whispered. ‘You’ll be out of your misery soon.’
‘In three weeks,’ Remus corrected him. ‘Remember what I told you about the Hogwarts Express?’
‘Don’t be so anal, Moony,’ snarled Sirius, picking up Peter and hoisting him up to the window. ‘Come and help me here. He weighs a ton.’
Remus opened the window as wide as it would go, and together they pushed Peter out. It was a difficult task, for the boy was not slim, and he clung to life, endeavouring to bulldoze his way back in whenever a body part had been forced outward.
It seemed like forever until he fell, like an eternity before he hit the ground with a satisfying splat.
Remus could not hold back his manly tears. ‘I felt so good when we saved him in the Shack!’ he wept. ‘So noble! And now we’ve defenestrated the poor fellow.’
Overcome in his turn, Sirius held his Moony close, black hair mingling with gold, until he felt able to speak. ‘What if we’ve made a horrible mistake, Remus? Should we fetch Madam Pomfrey?’
‘It’s too late,’ Remus said sombrely.
And indeed it was. All the magic in the world could not have healed Wormtail: a little rat dead before his time. Perhaps it was just as well, for students from all four houses were already pouring into the grounds to see the traitor's body and celebrate the ultimate triumph over evil.
‘Tell you what,' said Sirius, ‘let’s end this series on a high note. I don’t think we’ve quite made up the thirty years yet.’
They melted into each other’s arms; music swelled in the distance, and finally, finally, the Wizarding world was at peace.
Epilogue
Subsequently, Voldemort and all his Horcruxes died in a Portkey accident.
JK Rowling went on to write her famous Slash series, including Remus and Sirius Have Fun On Holiday, Remus and Sirius Invent the Shagathon and Remus and Sirius Meet Some Dinosaurs. Spin-offs include the ever-popular Cooking Tips for House-Elves and a selection of Remus and Sirius plushies.
James and Lily never got together, but James married a nice girl called Alice instead, and had twin sons, Neville and Trevor. Snivellus was hit by a plague of boils and was shunned by all mankind forever more. He died miserably in a slum in Sheffield.
Remus and Sirius remained in love and lived happily ever after.
The End
By minnow_53
Disclaimer: JKR’s.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: The fandom version of the final chapter and epilogue in the Harry Potter series. When the Marauders return from their trip to the future, it is obvious that Peter must die...
A couple of days ago, I posted a fairly serious take on the Deathly Hallows epilogue. This rather different version might appeal more to certain members of my f-list. :P You know who you are! It's a one-shot, of course, and stands on its own.
Chapter Seventy-Eight
Back From The Future
‘Avada Kedavra!’ Harry faced Voldemort boldly, and the Dark Lord glowered back at him, red eyes glowing like great and sinister rubies in the dusk.
‘Master!’ gloated Pettigrew, grovelling on the hard ground.
The scene faded, and the Marauders felt themselves being dragged backward through time.
‘1987! 1986! 1985!’ chanted James and Sirius as the years fell away. The Time-Turner reached 1977 just as they got to Hogwarts castle, where they landed in a heap in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.
‘I’m going to marry Evans!’ James announced to a group of uninterested Gryffindors as he climbed into the common room. ‘Where is she? Hey, Evans, we’re going to have a baby!’
‘Over my dead body,’ Lily Evans sneered.
‘That means we get to have sex!’ James said, too excited to notice Lily's unenthusiastic tone. He flung his arms around her and gave her a smacking kiss. ‘Let's start practising now, shall we? Mrs Potter!’
Lily whipped out her wand and put a Sponge Knees Curse on him, grinning triumphantly at her best friend, Zoe Smith, as James sank to the floor, crying out in agony.
The sound of his anguished groans woke Peter, who had been placed in a quiet corner, with Remus and Sirius standing guard. He tried to rub his eyes. ‘So... was it all a dream?’ he said, confused.
‘Not quite,’ said Remus. ‘We really did see James’s son, Harry, coming to Hogwarts. We saw his friends Ron and Hermione, and a baby dragon. Oh, and Voldemort, of course.’
‘You mean You-Know-Who?’ Peter went white.
‘We mean Voldemort, Wormtail,’ said Sirius. ‘The man you spied for. Remember? You told him where Prongs was? Then, you helped him get his body back so he could take over the Wizarding world. You can't deny it! We were right there with you, weren't we, Remus?’
‘Of course we were,’ said Remus. ‘Though I can't say we looked very good. It’s a pity somebody set the Time-Turner wrong and we had to endure seven years of the twenty-first century. I really could have done without those movies. That strange little Muggle wasn’t remotely like you, Padfoot! And I don’t look like Thewlis, do I?’
‘Not in the slightest! You're beautiful!’ Sirius said, clutching Remus to his heart and kissing him fervently on the lips. ‘Though not as beautiful as me.’ He tossed his impeccable locks, which immediately fell back gracefully into place. ‘That’s the main reason I have to be saved from Azkaban, Moony. No magic, no hairdressers, no straightening spells...I’d simply die.’
‘You did die.’
‘Well, I don’t want to die with bad hair.’
‘I didn’t mean to set the Time-Turner wrong!’ cried Peter. ‘I did exactly what Prongs told me. Is that why I’m in a Full Body Bind?’
Remus and Sirius glanced at each other, distressed.
‘We’re going to have to kill you, Wormtail,’ Sirius said. ‘Otherwise, the Wizarding world will end up in complete chaos. We’ll Stun you first, and then we’ll tie you to the rails when the Hogwarts Express is coming along. Make it look like an accident.’
‘The Hogwarts Express won’t be along for three weeks,’ Remus said, and Sirius said, ‘Whatever. Moony, d’you realise we haven’t shagged for about thirty years? Let’s sneak upstairs for a while, and Peter can rest a bit before we finish him off.’
‘You certainly made enough noise shagging this morning,’ Peter grumbled.
‘You haven’t grasped the finer points of time-travel, have you?’ Sirius said. ‘Now, don’t move.’
‘I can't move,’ Peter pointed out.
Up in the dorm, Sirius stripped off all his clothes, and then stripped off Remus’s, prancing around the room with both sets of robes held high in the air.
‘Bet you can’t catch me!’ he caroled, as Remus tried to snatch his robes back. ‘Anyway, my crystal ball tells me you won’t be needing these for the next couple of hours.’
‘Your crystal ball may be wrong,’ Remus said, as his acute werewolf ears detected a feeble ‘Alohomora!’ outside the door. It creaked open and a disconsolate James came in, still limping from the after-effects of the curse. He was so distraught that he didn’t even seem to notice his two friends cavorting naked by the fireplace.
‘Are you sure that was the real future?’ he asked. ‘Only, Evans didn't just jinx me. She's sworn she'll never talk to me again! I thought we'd be Head Boy and Girl and she'd fall in love with me!’
‘Well, I hope it's the real future,’ Sirius said, ‘seeing as we’re going to kill Wormtail before he betrays you and sends my ass to Azkaban.’
‘Which would be a terrible waste,’ Remus said. ‘Would you mind leaving now, Prongs? We’re about to have a very intimate moment.’
With a sob, James fumbled his way out of the room.
‘Show me this intimate moment!’ Sirius flung himself on Remus and wrestled him to the bed, where they proceeded to shag for a good three minutes before both of them came, screwing up their eyes and making weird noises. Remus looked a bit rumpled afterwards, in a sort of adorable tousled way, but Sirius’s hair remained immaculate, and incredibly hot.
‘Wow. That’s what thirty years’ abstinence does for you,’ breathed Sirius. ‘Let’s do it again.’
Fifteen hours later, when afternoon had given way to night, and night to morning, Remus suddenly exclaimed, ‘Padfoot! We’ve left Peter down in the common room in a Full Body Bind. I just hope nobody’s finished the spell.’
‘Nobody would,’ said Sirius with assurance. ‘Everyone hates that little twerp.’
That was, sadly true; and downstairs, Peter was whimpering as he tried in vain to achieve his Animagus form. When he saw his friends, he struggled to stretch out his arms in a gesture of trust, but the Body Bind stayed firmly in place.
‘It’s okay, little guy,’ Sirius whispered. ‘You’ll be out of your misery soon.’
‘In three weeks,’ Remus corrected him. ‘Remember what I told you about the Hogwarts Express?’
‘Don’t be so anal, Moony,’ snarled Sirius, picking up Peter and hoisting him up to the window. ‘Come and help me here. He weighs a ton.’
Remus opened the window as wide as it would go, and together they pushed Peter out. It was a difficult task, for the boy was not slim, and he clung to life, endeavouring to bulldoze his way back in whenever a body part had been forced outward.
It seemed like forever until he fell, like an eternity before he hit the ground with a satisfying splat.
Remus could not hold back his manly tears. ‘I felt so good when we saved him in the Shack!’ he wept. ‘So noble! And now we’ve defenestrated the poor fellow.’
Overcome in his turn, Sirius held his Moony close, black hair mingling with gold, until he felt able to speak. ‘What if we’ve made a horrible mistake, Remus? Should we fetch Madam Pomfrey?’
‘It’s too late,’ Remus said sombrely.
And indeed it was. All the magic in the world could not have healed Wormtail: a little rat dead before his time. Perhaps it was just as well, for students from all four houses were already pouring into the grounds to see the traitor's body and celebrate the ultimate triumph over evil.
‘Tell you what,' said Sirius, ‘let’s end this series on a high note. I don’t think we’ve quite made up the thirty years yet.’
They melted into each other’s arms; music swelled in the distance, and finally, finally, the Wizarding world was at peace.
Epilogue
Subsequently, Voldemort and all his Horcruxes died in a Portkey accident.
JK Rowling went on to write her famous Slash series, including Remus and Sirius Have Fun On Holiday, Remus and Sirius Invent the Shagathon and Remus and Sirius Meet Some Dinosaurs. Spin-offs include the ever-popular Cooking Tips for House-Elves and a selection of Remus and Sirius plushies.
James and Lily never got together, but James married a nice girl called Alice instead, and had twin sons, Neville and Trevor. Snivellus was hit by a plague of boils and was shunned by all mankind forever more. He died miserably in a slum in Sheffield.
Remus and Sirius remained in love and lived happily ever after.
The End