Short Fic: The Worst Gift Ever
The Worst Gift Ever
By minnow_53
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JKR and various corporations.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Remus and Sirius are puzzled by a large stuffed animal.
Genre: Happy and fluffy.
The Worst Gift Ever
‘What on earth is that?’ Sirius asked, looking helplessly at the label as if it could provide a clue. ‘Love from Aunty Joan. Remus, I don’t even have an Aunty Joan.’
‘Let me see.’ Remus squinted at the label. ‘No, Sirius. It says Love from Andromeda.’
‘Oh. Damn magical education! They don’t even teach us to write legibly. Anyway, what is it? If you can decipher a label, you can decipher a gift.’
Remus held the mystery object gingerly at arm’s length: not easy, as it was very big. After turning it this way and that and prodding it a few times, he pronounced, ‘It's some sort of animal, isn't it? Looks like a rhinoceros, or a knitted Erumpent. Which doesn’t mean to say it is one.’
‘Oh.’ Sirius took the object and examined it in his turn. ‘Bit floppy for an Erumpent. Is that a trunk or a horn?’
‘Search me! It's weird, whatever it is.’
‘What’s that red splodge?’ Sirius asked.
‘It could be its heart,’ Remus said dubiously. ‘Or it could be blood. If the knitting spell went wrong, that is. Those needles are bloody sharp. But it might be a waistcoat.’
‘Erumpents don’t wear waistcoats.’
‘They don’t wear robes, either, but try telling the toyshops that!’ Remus’s eyes grew a bit dreamy. ‘I used to have a plush Kneazle with its own wizard’s hat. And a miniature wand.’
‘Nothing to boast about, Moony! Why on earth would Andromeda send me a knitted Erumpent?’
Remus burst out laughing. ‘She probably thought it was the perfect Christmas present for her sexy, popular cousin with his own London flat.’
‘And boyfriend,’ Sirius added, taking the Erumpent by the leg and shaking it. A few scraps of stuffing fell out. ‘Hey, Moony... She’s not making a statement, is she? With that horn, or whatever it is? I mean...’ He went red and lowered his voice. ‘It’s not some sort of sex aid, is it?’
Remus was about to say, ‘We could soon find out,’ but was forestalled when an owl fluttered in through the open window and landed in front of Sirius. It gave a self-important squawk to get their attention.
‘Special delivery?’ Sirius detached the note and tried to read it: it took him a few moments to realise he was holding it upside down. ‘I am silly and hovering... What the hell?’ He handed the parchment to Remus.
‘It’s not that bad. Let’s see: Dear Sirius, I’m sorry, but I got my parcels mixed up and sent you Nymphadora’s present by mistake! Please send it back with the owl. I enclose yours.’
‘Where? I don’t see a present. Maybe it dropped my present! Damn, I’ll sue the owl office.’
Remus was busy using a Smoothing Charm on the crumpled silver paper. ‘I think it’s got a parcel in its beak, Sirius.’
‘Oh, right.’ Sirius detached it, none too gently. The owl nipped him. ‘Bit small to be an Erumpent this one, right? Or a sex aid?’
‘Don’t flatter yourself!’ Remus handed the owl Nymphadora’s beautifully rewrapped parcel, adding a big red bow with one final flourish of his wand. The owl gave Sirius a baleful look and flew off.
‘I must say, that Erumpent thing seems a ghastly present for a six year-old,’ Sirius remarked. ‘Hideous object. It’ll traumatise her for life.’
‘It’s Nymphadora’s gift from her Granny,’ said Remus, who had managed to figure out the rest of Andromeda’s letter. ‘Hand-made by one of Ted’s Muggle relatives. And it's not an Erumpent, it's an elephant, so that horn thing is probably meant to be a trunk.’
‘Merlin! Sometimes those crazy Muggles make even my family seem quite sane,’ Sirius said.
‘Aren’t you going to open the real present?’
‘In a minute. All this talk about horns and sex aids has seriously damaged my concentration.’ He pulled Remus into the bedroom and firmly shut the door.
‘Not such a bad present after all, then?’ Remus said, a considerable time later.
‘Yes, it was,’ said Sirius firmly. ‘Which reminds me, I forgot one of yours. Hang on a sec...’ He reached under the bed and pulled out a large, irregular silver parcel with a big red bow: an ominously familiar parcel. ‘Happy Christmas again, Moony.’
‘But I already had everything! There were the books, and the wand-polisher, and the new broom....’
‘Just shut up and open it.’
Remus plucked feebly at the bow and spellotape, smoothing the paper, by hand this time, as he went. Eventually, Sirius grabbed the parcel away from him and pulled off the remaining wrapping, to reveal a rather charming stuffed Kneazle with a wizard’s hat and a wand in its mouth.
‘You thought I’d Summoned back the Erumpent!’ Sirius yelled in triumph. ‘Didn’t you?’
‘Elephant. Yes, I did for a minute.’ Remus’s bemused expression turned to alarm. ‘Hey, I hope you haven’t Transfigured my new broom!’
‘Of course not. Old pair of pyjamas. And don’t you dare say they were your favourites.’
‘But why?’ Remus asked. His voice sounded a bit faint, as if he didn’t really want to know the answer.
‘Well.’ Sirius fiddled with his hair and looked out of the window. ‘While you were asleep there - and don’t say you weren’t, because you were snoring - I decided to make something a bit better for Nymphadora. If that’s the best her grandmother could do...’
‘You already got her a chocolate cauldron with marzipan fruit in it,’ Remus pointed out.
‘Well, yes, I remembered that, just when I’d managed a really good doll. But I didn’t want to waste my wonderful Transfiguration skills, so I thought I’d make an extra present for you instead. And you mentioned toy Kneazles, so...’ He shrugged. ‘It came out well, didn’t it?’
‘I’ll never understand you, Sirius,’ Remus said, but he didn’t sound as if he minded.
‘That makes two of us!’ Sirius said happily. ‘Hey, Moony, don’t you think its wand is a bit symbolic too, like that Erumpent’s trunk? In a sex aid sort of way?’
‘Not really,’ said Remus, but he didn’t complain when Sirius said, ‘Well, I think it is.’ He didn’t even complain when the Kneazle was swept to the floor and its hat bent beyond repair; and he didn’t actually notice when the wand fell out of its mouth and rolled across the floor, leaving a trail of golden sparkles in its wake.
End
By minnow_53
Disclaimer: These characters belong to JKR and various corporations.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Remus and Sirius are puzzled by a large stuffed animal.
Genre: Happy and fluffy.
The Worst Gift Ever
‘What on earth is that?’ Sirius asked, looking helplessly at the label as if it could provide a clue. ‘Love from Aunty Joan. Remus, I don’t even have an Aunty Joan.’
‘Let me see.’ Remus squinted at the label. ‘No, Sirius. It says Love from Andromeda.’
‘Oh. Damn magical education! They don’t even teach us to write legibly. Anyway, what is it? If you can decipher a label, you can decipher a gift.’
Remus held the mystery object gingerly at arm’s length: not easy, as it was very big. After turning it this way and that and prodding it a few times, he pronounced, ‘It's some sort of animal, isn't it? Looks like a rhinoceros, or a knitted Erumpent. Which doesn’t mean to say it is one.’
‘Oh.’ Sirius took the object and examined it in his turn. ‘Bit floppy for an Erumpent. Is that a trunk or a horn?’
‘Search me! It's weird, whatever it is.’
‘What’s that red splodge?’ Sirius asked.
‘It could be its heart,’ Remus said dubiously. ‘Or it could be blood. If the knitting spell went wrong, that is. Those needles are bloody sharp. But it might be a waistcoat.’
‘Erumpents don’t wear waistcoats.’
‘They don’t wear robes, either, but try telling the toyshops that!’ Remus’s eyes grew a bit dreamy. ‘I used to have a plush Kneazle with its own wizard’s hat. And a miniature wand.’
‘Nothing to boast about, Moony! Why on earth would Andromeda send me a knitted Erumpent?’
Remus burst out laughing. ‘She probably thought it was the perfect Christmas present for her sexy, popular cousin with his own London flat.’
‘And boyfriend,’ Sirius added, taking the Erumpent by the leg and shaking it. A few scraps of stuffing fell out. ‘Hey, Moony... She’s not making a statement, is she? With that horn, or whatever it is? I mean...’ He went red and lowered his voice. ‘It’s not some sort of sex aid, is it?’
Remus was about to say, ‘We could soon find out,’ but was forestalled when an owl fluttered in through the open window and landed in front of Sirius. It gave a self-important squawk to get their attention.
‘Special delivery?’ Sirius detached the note and tried to read it: it took him a few moments to realise he was holding it upside down. ‘I am silly and hovering... What the hell?’ He handed the parchment to Remus.
‘It’s not that bad. Let’s see: Dear Sirius, I’m sorry, but I got my parcels mixed up and sent you Nymphadora’s present by mistake! Please send it back with the owl. I enclose yours.’
‘Where? I don’t see a present. Maybe it dropped my present! Damn, I’ll sue the owl office.’
Remus was busy using a Smoothing Charm on the crumpled silver paper. ‘I think it’s got a parcel in its beak, Sirius.’
‘Oh, right.’ Sirius detached it, none too gently. The owl nipped him. ‘Bit small to be an Erumpent this one, right? Or a sex aid?’
‘Don’t flatter yourself!’ Remus handed the owl Nymphadora’s beautifully rewrapped parcel, adding a big red bow with one final flourish of his wand. The owl gave Sirius a baleful look and flew off.
‘I must say, that Erumpent thing seems a ghastly present for a six year-old,’ Sirius remarked. ‘Hideous object. It’ll traumatise her for life.’
‘It’s Nymphadora’s gift from her Granny,’ said Remus, who had managed to figure out the rest of Andromeda’s letter. ‘Hand-made by one of Ted’s Muggle relatives. And it's not an Erumpent, it's an elephant, so that horn thing is probably meant to be a trunk.’
‘Merlin! Sometimes those crazy Muggles make even my family seem quite sane,’ Sirius said.
‘Aren’t you going to open the real present?’
‘In a minute. All this talk about horns and sex aids has seriously damaged my concentration.’ He pulled Remus into the bedroom and firmly shut the door.
‘Not such a bad present after all, then?’ Remus said, a considerable time later.
‘Yes, it was,’ said Sirius firmly. ‘Which reminds me, I forgot one of yours. Hang on a sec...’ He reached under the bed and pulled out a large, irregular silver parcel with a big red bow: an ominously familiar parcel. ‘Happy Christmas again, Moony.’
‘But I already had everything! There were the books, and the wand-polisher, and the new broom....’
‘Just shut up and open it.’
Remus plucked feebly at the bow and spellotape, smoothing the paper, by hand this time, as he went. Eventually, Sirius grabbed the parcel away from him and pulled off the remaining wrapping, to reveal a rather charming stuffed Kneazle with a wizard’s hat and a wand in its mouth.
‘You thought I’d Summoned back the Erumpent!’ Sirius yelled in triumph. ‘Didn’t you?’
‘Elephant. Yes, I did for a minute.’ Remus’s bemused expression turned to alarm. ‘Hey, I hope you haven’t Transfigured my new broom!’
‘Of course not. Old pair of pyjamas. And don’t you dare say they were your favourites.’
‘But why?’ Remus asked. His voice sounded a bit faint, as if he didn’t really want to know the answer.
‘Well.’ Sirius fiddled with his hair and looked out of the window. ‘While you were asleep there - and don’t say you weren’t, because you were snoring - I decided to make something a bit better for Nymphadora. If that’s the best her grandmother could do...’
‘You already got her a chocolate cauldron with marzipan fruit in it,’ Remus pointed out.
‘Well, yes, I remembered that, just when I’d managed a really good doll. But I didn’t want to waste my wonderful Transfiguration skills, so I thought I’d make an extra present for you instead. And you mentioned toy Kneazles, so...’ He shrugged. ‘It came out well, didn’t it?’
‘I’ll never understand you, Sirius,’ Remus said, but he didn’t sound as if he minded.
‘That makes two of us!’ Sirius said happily. ‘Hey, Moony, don’t you think its wand is a bit symbolic too, like that Erumpent’s trunk? In a sex aid sort of way?’
‘Not really,’ said Remus, but he didn’t complain when Sirius said, ‘Well, I think it is.’ He didn’t even complain when the Kneazle was swept to the floor and its hat bent beyond repair; and he didn’t actually notice when the wand fell out of its mouth and rolled across the floor, leaving a trail of golden sparkles in its wake.
End