Love....actually?
Ok, so it's 2:42 am on a Saturday night. I just spent my night at Caribou coffee attempting (unsuccessfully) at writing a paper. I've been thinking a lot lately (not that that's anything new). And I realize that I've become quite the academic. Discussions on post-modernism, religion, general constructions of reality abound in my daily life. And while I'm very happy to have the opportunity to talk about these things with other people I have to stop and wonder: am I merely using my academic forte as an excuse to avoid my non-existent love life? I talk to people back home sometimes and think: wow, I'm so glad my life doesn't revolve around getting a guy. On the other hand, my life completely avoids any mention of romance whatsoever. Pretend like it doesn't exist, and then I won't have to feel bad that it doesn't exist in my life at the current moment. Now don't get me wrong, this is not my "I will always be single" entry. I'm not wallowing (or at least I'm not trying to) in my sorrows, complaining that I never will be in a relationship. I do think that one day I will be. It's just the question of sooner rather than later. Do I want a relationship right now? And if so, am I taking the appropriate measures to put myself in that position? Am I really shying away from love, and will this hurt me in the future? A lot of questions with not so many answers at the current moment. Here's another thought. As I was watching The Wedding Planner (great movie) I sat there admiring how Matthew McCouneghy saves Jennifer Lopez and wondered, is being rescued all that I want? Many psychologists actually argue that deep in the subconsious, all that women really want is to be dominated (only not necessarily in that S&M kind of way). I consider myself a woman all about the independence and empowerment and equal treatment. Yet, when it comes down to it, I want the fairy tale. Sweep me off my feet, carry me over the threshold; I want it all. At the current moment my life doesn't appear to be moving in that direction any time soon. So here's my real question of the night: am I secure in my current single state or am I just lying to myself?