Almost Like (Quasimodo) (Two Shots)
Title: Almost Like (Quasimodo) (Two Shots)
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Pairing: Choi Minho x Lee Taemin
Genre: Angst, Romance, Fluff, Yaoi, Songfic
Summary: Lee Taemin had this undying love for his hyung - Choi Minho. Is there any chance that he could reach him?
Written in Multiple POV’s
FINAL INSTALLMENT
Dear: Diary
He was the sun that lights up my world to see the great things that surround me. He was the air that I breathe as he suffices my oxygen. He was all that I need to make me feel alive. Thank you, Minho-hyung, for giving me the love I need… that was you.
---
Taemin… Taemin… Where are you? I’m sorry for not saying the right words that time… I was afraid, afraid of everything… I should have known that I should have not let the fear overcome me… I should have told you not to leave me… Where are you now, Taemin? I need you here with me now... Please… please come back to us… come back to me…
---
This arrow that’s reached my heart
Feels like a part of my body now
Even though it hurts to death
I can’t remove you, who’s stuck in my heart
Because it’s love
Because for me, it’s love
---
-FLASHBACK-
“Now Taemin, you can leave.” The maknae was taken aback. It was just right after they had the all the night and Taemin was still tired due to the overwhelming sensation he got from the love-making they just had and Minho pushed him on the floor. Forgive me, Taemin… I know I’m being cruel but I need to set aside our selfish needs…
“B-but…” Taemin tried to protest panting, but he wasn’t able to continue as fatigue hit him once again.
“I don’t need someone like you.” I need you the most… And I’m doing this for your sake…
“Hyung…” He knew that it was really going to happen, but he didn’t expect it to be that fastidious and instant. He didn’t come to prepare himself to the way the things were now just being exacted.
“I don’t like people like you, childish and self-interested. What we did is just a favor you asked from me, which is so disgusting.” I love you and everything about you. I always love to make love to you, forever and a day… but this is so stupid, this is being out of hand! I promised myself to keep you safe and protected, not like this!
“Hyung, I’m sorry… please, forgive me… Let’s… let’s forget about everything, can we? I don’t want us to end like this…” Taemin gathered up all the courage he could find as he tried to put on a strong hold to support himself. He was so stupid, yes, stupid for being so much in love with his hyung.
“There is no ‘us’ in the first place. Besides, you’re just nothing. This is the way you liked things, right? So, be responsible enough to face the consequences you chose to take from your selfish actions in accordance to your favor.”I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry! But Taemin, believe me, your life will just be put in trash if you live it with me…I’m sorry.
Taemin could feel his soul being separated from his body. It was enough, all enough to prove himself that everything that just happened was wrong, so damned, hatefully wrong. “I… I understand. Thank you, hyung.” ‘I love you.’ He whispered the last sentence smiling at Minho as he left the room, crestfallen and disintegrated into pieces. Everything was just so fast. He got all what he wants for that whole wonderful and memorable night, but lost it right away in a sad ending. His sweet fantasy was swiftly withdrawn by the harsh reality.
As Taemin left the room, the consistent look from Minho disappeared and he had the sudden urge to hit himself to the nearest wall for he just hurt and stained his Taemin, which in reciprocal, he wanted to protect and keep undamaged… But he just apparently and relentlessly did it; and he wanted to kill himself.
This is bad, so bad. Forgive me, Taemin-ah… I just love you so much…
---
Even if I can’t have you
In the end, even when my heart is blocked
By the wall of sad connection
I love you, if it’s a place where I can just watch you
Because you’re my everything
---
Dear: Diary
Am I really that disgusting? Did Minho-hyung really mean what he had told me? But when he kissed me and made love to me, I felt his love and he was willing to do it… or was it just my imagination? Did he find me disgusting because of that illness? Wait, I had to make sure of my actions so that they wouldn’t draw any suspicion about it… Did he just discover it?
---
I am aware of my Taemin’s health and condition.
When Taemin was fourteen, we discovered that he had this illness called ‘Autoimmune Disease’ that weakens his body because his immune system is attacking him instead of protecting him. The doctors had advised us that he should be watched by us; he shouldn’t get any severe sicknesses and get over-exhausted because if so, his system would slow down and his immunity would dominate his whole body and kill him.
Years had passed and Taeminnie started growing up, but, as far as I’m concerned, we didn’t let him unobserved and unprotected. We always had to make sure that he was always fine, and if he got sick, we would bring him immediately to the doctor and get him treated. Luckily, he never had any.
For the past years that Taemin was being observed, we became confident that his illness slackened off into a less harmful state. We started to believe that he was finally going fine, and we didn’t take much heed to it anymore.
But one time has come when he went home late due to his dance lessons. It was raining blizzards when he got back. We were so worried about him if he happened to catch a cold or a fever or whatnots, but he told us that he was just fine as he headed to his room enthusiastically. The hyungs trusted the maknae’s answer for he was looking so fine that time… but I, on the other hand, felt a sudden glitch and difference in Taemin’s acts so I immediately followed him on his room.
…There I discovered that his illness had become much worse; he was coughing blood nonstop, looking so vulnerable and weak and exhausted… and he looked like he was going to die… So all the time was just hiding it and was just acting strong for us to not worry…
I was afraid to tell it to the other hyungs and to even ask it personally to him - to Taemin, because I am afraid to know the truth… that he only have few ages left and would not be able to experience long life with everyone. So then, I decided to look after him more actively but silently and vowed to dedicate my life on protecting him and keeping him safe in my watchful eyes. But then again, I just kept my mouth shut and just hoped for a miracle that one day will come and Taemin’s illness will be cured and he will get fine.
Since then, I became the most-attached one to him. I was always there looking after him when he’s going out somewhere else; I was always there witnessing his sufferings and pains when he’s having mild diseases like common colds, sneezing, or fever; I was always there sharing with him laughter and smiles when he’s surviving his troubles or when he’s just being happy…
…I was always there, with him, feeling responsible of him, his actions and everything that concerns about him. By then, my feelings for him started to grow, bigger and deeper… and lately did I find myself falling in love with him with no precise definition. I fell in love with him when I know I shouldn’t be.
---
-FLASHBACK-
“Did you see Taemin??” The worried Key-umma asked the busy Minho who was reading a book by that time. Minho became bothered as he flipped the book closed and looked at Key perplexedly, but kept his emotions hidden.
…But somewhere deep inside of him, he had the idea but was trying to be optimistic to discern it that much.
“No, I did not. Why? Well, I guess it’s not my business to know since you’re the umma and he is your son. Just an opinion.” Minho took a shot to look strong, ignoring Key as he went back on his business. But unfortunately, Key wasn’t the type of person to buy unreasonable acts like that. Minho earned rampant accusations from the now restless Key-umma.
“Yah! Just what happened between the two of you?! What did you do to my son?!!”
“I-I don’t know?” Fear was now starting to rage inside Minho’s body.
“You don’t know? Did you just say you don’t know?!”
“What are you--?”
“THERE!!!” Key’s voice was so earsplitting that it almost broke Minho’s hearing senses as he threw something on his chest. “Taemin’s missing because of you, young man!”
It stabbed Minho’s heart when he heard the news. He halted. He knew it. Damn, he just knew it.
Key then stated something dangerous to him, “If I discovered that something happens to my son, I’m going to make sure you’ll experience living in hell.” and he growled as he left the room, panicking; Jonghyun and Onew’s names could be heard everywhere from his worried grumbles. Minho was left dazed; his thoughts were apprehensive while staring at that something Key threw on him. Taemin’s diary. He didn’t know what made him flip the pages one by one, scanning every word written on it, though he knew that was intrusion of privacy.
He out of the blue stopped when he by chance read something that caught his attention. His name. He read the whole entry and it goes like this.
Dear: Diary
I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but, I’m feeling something… something which is so wrong… Minho-hyung… I’m falling for him… no. I love him… I’m in love with Minho-hyung… But how am I going to get through this?? This is so wrong… This is so wrong!! Lee Taemin, this is impossible, you’re so stupid!!
His eyebrows knitted while his hands shuddered as he became much and much more bothered, flipping the pages until to the very last entry. He remained focus reading it, like it was the only thing that was necessary by those times.
Dear: Diary
I’m not worth to be loved… I’m selfish… I’m crazy… I can’t take this anymore… The pain is killing me… I can’t hold on… I wanna disappear… Minho-hyung… Mianhae… Mianhae…
---
I stay up for so many nights
When the starlight becomes rain
That doesn’t stop like my tears
Remember that I love you
---
“Hyung… Hyung…”
TAEMIN?
“Hyung… I love you, Hyung…”
TAEMIN?!!!!
Minho got up from his bed from his obnoxious slumber. A sudden pain stroked his heart upon realizing that he was having that nightmare again; that nightmare wherein Taemin’s voice kept on tormenting him, yet he coulnd’t find him; that nightmare wherein Taemin was all alone, scrunched up in a very dark place, crying out for help but no one would come to rescue him; that nightmare wherein Taemin could only seem to depend his life on waiting for Minho, for he thinks that he would be the only one who could help him and for he believes that it would come a time that he would love him the same he does. Then it would flick. He would just dissolve in the creepy shadows, engulfing his whole figure and it would always be too late for Minho to catch him.
It’s been months since Taemin left them with no touches. They had tried their best on looking for him but were unsuccessful. It was then that very day he left, Minho started having nightmares about him. It was always the same; he’d wake up in the middle of the night and right after then, he wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore. And what he would do next after waking up is to read Taemin’s diary all over again until he would get sleepy.
---
“KEY-HYUNG!!! We need to find Taemin! Hurry! Our time is running out!” Minho out of the blue shouted that triggered everyone’s sleep as he ran to Key’s room to wake them up.
“What are you--?”
Minho was bursting out in tears and Key-hyung couldn’t react anymore. He nodded and forced to agree with Minho even though there is no assurance that they could find Taemin in the middle of nowhere.
Taemin…please… wait for me… please…
---
Oh, I can’t tell you about me
Who wants to reach your heart
Like the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds
I love you, in the end, this painful confession
That lingers at the edge of my lips slide down in tears
---
Dear: Diary
I wished to be in a place where a thousand of shooting stars could be seen for me to be able to wish for a thousand times too… I will wish for a plentiful of chocolates and ice creams, human-sized stuff toys like teddy bears… MICKEY MOUSE!! Uhm what more? Hmm… I will wish for a long and healthy life and of course, above all, I will wish for Minho-hyung’s love. And if only I could only wish for once, it will be Minho-hyung's love - the first thing in my wish list, as always.
---
“TAEMIN!!!”
I sprinted towards the familiar figure excitedly with my fastest speed. Upon nearing him, I felt that my heart could almost break into tiny little pieces… He was sitting in the utmost edge of the footbridge, looking so unhealthy and lackluster - his eyelids were dark, his lips were anemic, and his face was so pale in color, as it was obvious that there were some patches on his skin and he lost much weight. He was faintly distinguishable and if you didn’t take so much inspection, you’ll never recognize that it was Taemin. And what’s even worse is that he was just motionless and frozen… as if he was lifeless.
Tears escaped my eyes upon seeing my Taemin being in that condition… It hurts me so much to him like that… as if he had suffered so much from pain and anguish… and as if living makes him suffer more…
“Taemin-ah…”
Then he turned his head sideways, but it appears like he doesn’t notice me. I flailed my hands forward near his face but he made no reactions at all. Why?
Taeminnie…Please notice me…
As if he heard me pleading, Taemin finally replied… but in a soft and weak voice. “H-hyung? Hyung… it is you… It is really you…”
“My Taeminnie…”
It stabbed my heart deeply. Taemin was splashing his innocent smile… but he was looking at a different angle. Can’t he see me?! No… No way Taemin-ah... This can’t be…
“Taemin-ah…!” I then held him close into a tight embrace, feeling his warmth and presence that I have missed for so long. I inhaled his scent that I used to know and be addicted of while trembling… My yearning and longing for him couldn’t now be controlled… I missed him… I missed my Taemin.
“Taemin… Taemin…” My voice cracked as I uttered his name repeatedly, as if I do not know any of words to speak. “I’m sorry Taemin… My sweet Taemin… I’m sorry… Forgive me, forgive me…” I said in between of my cries that I even spluttered and choke. I embraced him more tightly; now sobbing so hard on his shoulder and I couldn’t regulate my emotions anymore.
“Shh… I-It’s fine hyung… you don’t have to say sorry… It’s fine…Shh…” It was like a magic spell; I suddenly stopped from sobbing so hard. He sounded like an angel while comforting me… so sweet and harmonious… “Hyung… how did you find me?” Just then, I realized that he was also tearing up but was very soundless to cry out.
I responded, smiling. “I wished for it, Taemin-ah… I wished for it many times, many, many times… and how I wish I could wish for something more aside from that…”
“Hyung…” Taemin pulled from the hug. “Just wait for a little more minutes… There’d be a thousand of shooting stars that will come out tonight…”
“Really?”
“Yeah… you could wish as many times as you want.” His eyes were shimmering in delight even through its lonesome appearance.
We waited for a little more until the sun had finally set.
“Taemin-ah… Where are the shooting stars, huh?”
“There…” He pointed weakly.
Just then, a thousand of city lights simultaneously lighted on, surrounding the whole City of Seoul. Taemin then started counting them…
“One… Two… Five… Twenty… Fifty… A Hundred… A thousand… Now hyung, wish for a thousand times!” He announced to me energetically. I all of a sudden became worried…
“But--” But Taemin-ah, these are not shooting stars…
Taemin then closed his eyes and lifted his hands together. Just like that night when he wished for my love.
“I wish that Minho-hyung will be a thousand times happy…”
I froze. I didn’t know why but fear immersed through me once again.
“Taemin-ah, why didn’t you wish for yourself?”
Taemin just shook his head. “Uhmm~ Now hyung, it’s your turn…”
Since he kept on initiating that to me all the time, I corresponded to his demand. I closed my eyes though I couldn’t think of a wish that time. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t, for my mind was set on Taemin.
I was still closing my eyes when finally, I thought of something to wish. “I wish…”
I opened my eyes to take a look of Taemin’s reactions. He was still just closing his eyes and smiling.
“Hmm…”
I didn’t continue as I kissed him on his lips with that same kind of eagerness I had before and he willingly responded to it. It felt so good and it tasted sweet; it blew my mind away. Our kiss lasted for a minute and we finally broke from it.
“Now go ahead and make a wish, hyung…”
“I wish…”
I felt the weight of Taemin’s head rested on my shoulders. I smiled.
“I wish to remain by your side… Forever… and… ever… That’s all, Taemin-ah.”
I scanned the figure next to me but he didn’t respond… anymore.
.
.
.
…TAEMIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---
I love you.
The words he wasn’t able to say to him at all… not even once.
And now, it was too late for him to say those words.
Suddenly, a glimpse of a shooting star fell from the heavens, signifying that another star has just stopped from twinkling. But too bad, Minho missed it… again… for the second time.
---
Even if I can’t have you
In the end, even when my heart is blocked
By the wall of sad connection
I love you, if it’s a place where I can just watch you
Because you’re my everything
---
Minho thought he already had it memorized - each pages and each words written on Taemin’s diary. But he was wrong.
As he went to his study table to do my supposed routine, the diary that was steadily labeled upon it flipped on the last page as if someone had opened it. The air was out of the scene but that’s what hasn’t got Minho bothered. What have got him are the handwritings on it that he didn’t seem to remember and see before. He hurriedly sat on the chair and read them, blowing things out of all proportion.
Dear: Diary
I hope Minho-hyung finds his own happiness and peace that I wasn’t able to provide. I’ll be wishing for you, Minho-hyung… Wherever I am right now, I assure you that I’m happy… I’ll always look for you, guide you and protect you, like you used to do to me… Neh Hyung, thanks for the love… It reached to where I am right now… As much as I would love to be by your side, there’s no possible way I can do that… I’ll always love you… Take care… Goodbye, Minho.
Love always,
Taemin
---
It’s not tough, oh no
Because you have to be mine
In order for you to be you
Even if it hurts
Even if you make me cry
I love you
---
I will miss you, Taemin… I will miss everything about you… I’m sorry for what I did… I’m sorry for being such a coward and stupid… And I’m sorry if I will never be able to find my happiness because I’ve lost it… I’ve lost you…
…Goodbye forever Taemin…
Author's Note: The final installment is too long. And I just thought that the title doesn't fit the theme, I guess it should be changed into "Shooting Star" or something like that. Haha. LOL I'm also not sure about the "Autoimmune Disease" but as far as I'm concerned (and I also did some research), it really could kill. >.>
Second time to post here. Comments are loved. ^^