musings...........irrational
Picture this, me sitting here typing shit into my live journal, which is long overdue I might add, I'm slightly (ok, more than slightly) inebriated (and still can't spell for shit).
I can't help but wonder what people make of me! This has been brewing for some time (in the form of some friends perception of me) and I cant help but put it into some written form. If no-one reads it, im not fussed, i just need to 'vocalise' it for my own reasons.(drunken babble?)
Possibly it will come back and bite me on the arse because im not totally with it, but again, don't care. (in fact i'll drink to that HAHA!).
For quite a while now (years possibly)I have been getting the impression that my reaction to some things, isn't entirely normal!
Let me explain.
I anger easily, its more frustration really, and mostly I tell myself off when I react badly to stuff (still can't help myself.) It can be a little thing sometimes, but it may just be the wrong time and place for something to happen. It's gotten to the stage where some of my friends have anticipated my reaction to things, when it may or may not happen that way. Sometimes i'm actually calm, even chipper, about something but sometimes someone reacts as if i've slapped them and I really am confused. Obviously something's not getting through. (is this clear as mud?)
Firstly, I rarely get angry at other people!! this i'm sure of, even if that other person reacts as if ive slapped them. Im sad by this because im usually pissed at myself or at the loss of control of a situation, but RARELY at the other person. Anger I can't help, i'm only human after all. Sometimes I catch myself doing it but mostly it's not until that person has reacted to something that I know i've said or done something wrong. Their reaction both saddens and confuses me. I can get angry at people, some driver who cuts me off or someone who has hurt me, but rarely at my friends!!! I get snappy like the next person but rarely angry at my friends.
I know I can over-react (fairly often actually) but not at them!! usually at a situation I can't handle (this week has been the worst in a while actually)
Im constantly explaining myself but i must be doing something wrong. I just cant handle it anymore!!! I used to think myself easy going, and I am to a certain extent, but lately I think I'm some sort of rage machine and no-one understands me!! (even though i dont know what the hell it is that i'm trying to put across.)
I just dont know what it is that im doing wrong!! Im not sure im reacting properly to things. I think my hearing may play a small part, in that the best way to get across my frustrations is to show it physically but i'm not sure if this is just my minds way at trying to come up with excuses.
I'm tearing up as I write this because I dont know what to do. I'm after advice, I guess, but not sympathy, that's not the aim of this. I need to get this off my chest!!!
Mind you, i'm feeling fragile because this has been a rough week for me but like I said this has been an issue for some time. I just want to know that i'm not scaring off my friends.
Hugs and re-assurance aren't really what I need right now. I need to be told if im being freakish or being a harpy or just plain pathetic.
Anyway...........I'm sorry if I've shrieked at you or near you and made you feel worthless.........
Im sorry if this rant seems pathetic or a 'poor me' post. It isnt !!!!!
............ (Just don't be surprised if its deleted in a day or two..........)
This is merely a vent post!
Skip this post if you like.
I can't help but wonder what people make of me! This has been brewing for some time (in the form of some friends perception of me) and I cant help but put it into some written form. If no-one reads it, im not fussed, i just need to 'vocalise' it for my own reasons.(drunken babble?)
Possibly it will come back and bite me on the arse because im not totally with it, but again, don't care. (in fact i'll drink to that HAHA!).
For quite a while now (years possibly)I have been getting the impression that my reaction to some things, isn't entirely normal!
Let me explain.
I anger easily, its more frustration really, and mostly I tell myself off when I react badly to stuff (still can't help myself.) It can be a little thing sometimes, but it may just be the wrong time and place for something to happen. It's gotten to the stage where some of my friends have anticipated my reaction to things, when it may or may not happen that way. Sometimes i'm actually calm, even chipper, about something but sometimes someone reacts as if i've slapped them and I really am confused. Obviously something's not getting through. (is this clear as mud?)
Firstly, I rarely get angry at other people!! this i'm sure of, even if that other person reacts as if ive slapped them. Im sad by this because im usually pissed at myself or at the loss of control of a situation, but RARELY at the other person. Anger I can't help, i'm only human after all. Sometimes I catch myself doing it but mostly it's not until that person has reacted to something that I know i've said or done something wrong. Their reaction both saddens and confuses me. I can get angry at people, some driver who cuts me off or someone who has hurt me, but rarely at my friends!!! I get snappy like the next person but rarely angry at my friends.
I know I can over-react (fairly often actually) but not at them!! usually at a situation I can't handle (this week has been the worst in a while actually)
Im constantly explaining myself but i must be doing something wrong. I just cant handle it anymore!!! I used to think myself easy going, and I am to a certain extent, but lately I think I'm some sort of rage machine and no-one understands me!! (even though i dont know what the hell it is that i'm trying to put across.)
I just dont know what it is that im doing wrong!! Im not sure im reacting properly to things. I think my hearing may play a small part, in that the best way to get across my frustrations is to show it physically but i'm not sure if this is just my minds way at trying to come up with excuses.
I'm tearing up as I write this because I dont know what to do. I'm after advice, I guess, but not sympathy, that's not the aim of this. I need to get this off my chest!!!
Mind you, i'm feeling fragile because this has been a rough week for me but like I said this has been an issue for some time. I just want to know that i'm not scaring off my friends.
Hugs and re-assurance aren't really what I need right now. I need to be told if im being freakish or being a harpy or just plain pathetic.
Anyway...........I'm sorry if I've shrieked at you or near you and made you feel worthless.........
Im sorry if this rant seems pathetic or a 'poor me' post. It isnt !!!!!
............ (Just don't be surprised if its deleted in a day or two..........)
This is merely a vent post!
Skip this post if you like.