(no subject)
grrrr.
everyday i put up with brings me closer to you all.
keep fingers crossed for st thomas and keep pushing me to finish gustavus.
i was vent writing the other night about my college life so far and why i want to switch (it's my gustavus essay topic), and i wasn't really thinking about it, just writing. once i finished writing, i was astounded about all the pain i've been feeling that i've not been able to express, cuz it's not like i can tell anyone here about it. i wrote about how i feel like i'm losing myself out here. college is where you can start over and be whoever you want, but i liked who i was. i didn't want to change, and now i feel like i am changing in order to gain friendships. i dont want to be like anyone, i want to be me, but i feel like i have to be like them for them to like me. it's worked fine for me so far. i'm making friends. i should be happy, but i'm not, only because i'm not happy with myself. my mom keeps telling me that coming back to the cities wont remedy anything, it's still college. but at least there i have people who will make sure to kick my ass if i am acting different. i wont be the girl who goes to frat parties, i'll be that crazy girl who's always at concerts, like i used to be. I miss living in a city. Like a REAL city. Redlands the city sucks and it's at least 40 minutes from any venue. we're driving 45 minutes for nintendo fusion. i miss having a car. i miss having TRUE friends, like all of you. I want to have that again. My mind is pretty much made up, st thomas and gustavus have to do the rest....
by the way, hellogoodbye didn't happen. long story.
everyday i put up with brings me closer to you all.
keep fingers crossed for st thomas and keep pushing me to finish gustavus.
i was vent writing the other night about my college life so far and why i want to switch (it's my gustavus essay topic), and i wasn't really thinking about it, just writing. once i finished writing, i was astounded about all the pain i've been feeling that i've not been able to express, cuz it's not like i can tell anyone here about it. i wrote about how i feel like i'm losing myself out here. college is where you can start over and be whoever you want, but i liked who i was. i didn't want to change, and now i feel like i am changing in order to gain friendships. i dont want to be like anyone, i want to be me, but i feel like i have to be like them for them to like me. it's worked fine for me so far. i'm making friends. i should be happy, but i'm not, only because i'm not happy with myself. my mom keeps telling me that coming back to the cities wont remedy anything, it's still college. but at least there i have people who will make sure to kick my ass if i am acting different. i wont be the girl who goes to frat parties, i'll be that crazy girl who's always at concerts, like i used to be. I miss living in a city. Like a REAL city. Redlands the city sucks and it's at least 40 minutes from any venue. we're driving 45 minutes for nintendo fusion. i miss having a car. i miss having TRUE friends, like all of you. I want to have that again. My mind is pretty much made up, st thomas and gustavus have to do the rest....
by the way, hellogoodbye didn't happen. long story.