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i wish i could just stop thinking about her so much ive been doing better now with that cause i talk to amanda about it som times cause she know how i feel about the teness thing and she been tryin to help me think of what to do so i dont get so upset about it i asked her what she thought about me giving her space because i just keep on hurting her
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i suppose if you want to let our friendship go for sometime there isnt much i can do about it. you'd be proud of me right now, for once i didnt pick some asshole off the streets just pretending to make everything better. i know you dont want to hear that but to be honest he helps with a lot of things that come along with myself. he actually makes me want to find ways to better myself for someone else. in so many ways he does he reminds me of you and honestly, i think you'd like him. minus the drugs because he doesnt do them. its nice to sit down and talk to someone about everything and anything not even having a care in the world except for whats going on at that moment. remember how i would stay up with you for hours on end and just talk about pointless shit and laugh over nothing im actually able to do that with him, and i hope that you find some form of thanks in your heart for that. because i promise im doing okay, for once i can say that and actually mean it. i can say that and know that im not lying to everyone around me. i can say im not cut up in corners or starving or even so depressed that i cant see straight. he makes life flow just a little bit easier, and more interesting. im sorry for hurting you really i am but honestly looking back it was for the better. trust cameron you can deffinately find better out there then me and i hope that you find that in amanda, because if she honestly makes you that happy then dont let go. share things with her and allow her to share the same. smile and laugh like the days never end, and never forget me. dont let my memories of friendship alone dissapear. because those memories are some of the best that helped me threw the worst times in my life. times when breathing was hard and suicide was always the key to this small heart of mine. without you, i wouldnt know where i would be today. you were the person who held me when i cried, gave me up lifting advice when i needed it, and showed me in so many ways that i was capable of still smiling. you created a better person within me cam, and i will never stop thanking you for that. you showed me that someone cared when i thought that not a soul was capable of doing such things. it was nice to have someone to lean on, and share moments with that i know i will never share with another person. and yes it hurts to know you want to completely throw out years of friendship over something so small. it almost seems like everyone i care about it so easy to up and leave without a trace. but i guess all i can do now is maybe cry for awhile for losing one of my best friends. but also sit back and laugh and smile over such wonderful memories made. i promise if shit gets to tough ill call just to hear a familiar voice, and soft tender words that always seemed to help me make it threw the night just a while longer. i'll be okay, remember i carry a strength inside that not another soul has. so before i continue dragging on, since you said your goodbyes i suppose this is mine. so much for real friends who say they'll always be by your side. be careful who you trust and guard what you have full heartedly, because like i said the ones who care are always the fastest to leave your side. so i suppose now before drugs, before anything, having my best friend walk out on me is a far worse pain then anything ive ever felt. even though ill always say i hate crying, tonight just know that i cried.
always and forever,
nessa.
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