if chicks could get boners, i would never be able to walk.
one of my better qualities is my ability to reduce men to sexual objects that exist solely for my own gratification. i'm just being honest. i did absolutely nothing today, so i had a lot of sitting around and thinking time on my hands. and whenever brittney gets to thinkin', it eventually leads to something involving the only kind of meat i consume: men. eventually, this list was born.
before i present the lineup to you, you must understand that i have rules. these are some traits that every hot duder should possess:
1. facial hair
2. height greater than 5'9"
3. dark! preferably jews, arabs, hispanics (even if just one parent is any of these, great.)
4. arm tats
5. smokes (it's hot. shut up.)
6. a general "i don't give a fuck" attitude
it is also important to understand that, at any minute, all of these rules could be broken on a sudden whim of mine. i have never been attracted to a guy that posseses NONE of these traits, but i am open to the possibility.
if you don't know that i find (and have found since i was 15) this man to be absolutely the most perfect human being alive, you don't know me at all. julian casablancas. how can i put this into words? what's strange is that on the surface, he doesn't really follow exactly what i prefer in men physically, but somehow the combo he has going is BETTER than everything on my list combined. i've met him twice, and the first thing you notice is how BIG he is. i don't mean fat, because he isn't. maybe some of you ladies will know what i'm talking about---hes just fucking tall and overpowering, and theres something so fucking sexy about it. he used to smoke (fucking quitter) and if anyone possesses the "i don't give a fuck" attitude, it's him. huge downer: he's fucking married. i don't want to talk about it. seriously, though, i could go on about him forever. but we've got more man meat on the way.
despite his short stature (5'8"), cedric bixler is sex personified. he's got the dance moves, the tats, the tight pants, the facial hair, and the ridiculously high singing voice. what more could a girl want? plus, he's half mexican AND a little bit spanish, so there's no doubt in my mind that if i am ever lucky enough to get into bed with him, he'll be making me scream "AYE PAPI!" allllllllllll niiiiiighhhtttt looooooonnnngggg, baby.
ladies and gentlemen, i give you gael garcia bernal. you may remember him from y tu mama bien, which i actually JUST saw the couple days ago and still can't understand why i didn't see it the second it came out. YOU SEE HIS WEEN LIKE FORTY TIMES! i first saw this picture of him a year ago or so, and i still can't comprehend how a human being can be this fucking beautiful. most of the other guys on my list are here because in addition to being good looking, they have hot traits that aren't just physical, but this guy could be fucking deaf, blind, and mute and it wouldn't matter. LOOK AT HIM! plus he has this really fucking amazing smile and his teeth are sort of crooked and FUCK! FUCKING SHIT! serioulsy, imagine waking up every morning and seeing this face. WHAT!? i can't even talk about it anymore. i'll have to take a cold shower.
adam. fucking. green. i've been having such an "i wish i was adam green's girlfriend" kind of week it's insane. did anyone see him barefoot on the cover of german rolling stone? FUCK! that's another thing! bare feet. i'm not even into feet but barefoot with jeans on...christ! ok, back to adam. he's a perv, he sort of looks like julian (think about it), and theres this part on this video on his website where he kisses this girl on the nose and it drives me fucking crazy. i'm not that into the whole wanting to be someone's rockstar girlfriend bitch, but seriously, it would be really fucking cool to be adam green's bitch.
adrian grenier. this guy doesn't rank as high as the rest, but i had to put him on here for honorable mention. i don't even watch entourage, but i would just to see this guy if i wasn't too lazy to turn the tv to something other than bravo or vh1. i first noticed his hotness in that awful movie "drive me crazy" with melissa joan hart. he sort of has that "i listen to jam bands" thing going, which is a big turnoff, but he's dark and has facial hair, so i'll give him some credit. and he has really nice arms.
this took me a really long time to put together for some reason, so i'm gonna cut it off here. if there's someone important that i forgot, i'll add them later. but for now, enjoy.
edit: oh my god! i just thought of something. how awesome would it be if i could do them all at once? it's possible: julian in the vag, cedric in the ass (i'd do anal with these dudes, and these dudes only), gael in the mouth, and then adam and adrian in either hand!