back... kind of.
I've been gone for awhile. And a lot has changed.
I'm still unemployed because people are not reliable, nor do things tend to work out for me.
I hate my apartment more than I did months ago.
I'm in love but I don't know how in love the other person is with me.
I'm up and down right now. I'm doing pretty well in school, but everything else it's starting to suffer. I don't like that my personal life can make me so bummed I don't care about school, because I need to care about school.
I learned trying to convince yourself you don't care about someone is fucking worthless and it doesn't work.
I realized how important feeling like I have a home is to me.
I got a new keyboard for my laptop and it's all smooth and nice and I don't have to go back and type the stuff I missed because my keys don't work when they don't feel like it.
My anxiety is directing itself at one thing right now, and I really don't like what it's going with. I think I'm going to take some NyQuil or AdvilPM just to make myself pass out, because at the speed my mind is going right now, I will never sleep. I don't know why I always have the same recurring problems with people I care for, but it's getting so frustrating I might as well give up trying at this point.
I neglect LiveJournal a lot until I have something to bitch about late at night and no one's around to talk to. Right now I really, really need someone to talk to me and talk me down and set me straight. Just kind of to get my head out of the girl crazy cloud. But they're all asleep or something. It makes me feel even more unimportant when I know that's such a selfish thing to feel. It wouldn't make me feel that way normally, just under these circumstances. I have a lot to think about and no one to pour it out to.
That's where the internet comes in pretty handy I guess. Ugh. Now I feel kind of bad for using the internet for my personal gain. Goddammit.
Even if I just type out my random thoughts it keeps me from obsessively thinking about something that I really should just let be. And it's really easy for people to say "just let things happen" or "it'll all be okay." They forget that your mindset isn't the same. They forget I direct my anxiety at ONE THING and this is the only thing I have to have anxiety over. It's easy to think what the ideal situation would be.
I was fine until like, I don't know, probably 9 days ago. It's felt like an eternity honestly. I'm asking all these existential questions and acknowledging the negative consequences as well as the positive ones. I'm thinking of what I should and shouldn't have done, which is never, ever good.
I can't even really type about it without starting to think about it. I shouldn't have in the first place. I sound like a crazy person. At least it's a mildly entertaining Family Guy at 1:41 in the morning and I'm starting to get tired. I don't want to go to bed and just lie there depressed and thinking. And I know that's what will happen. Will NyQuil get rid of that? I don't know if my anxiety brain is enough to overpower NyQuil, but I woudn't doubt it.
I'm facing a lot right now. Too much for Family Guy to make me forget, too much for weed to calm me down, too much for sleep to even work out. And I really hate that one person has so much influence over all of this. I never thought of myself as exempt or immune to that kind of phenomenon. But I didn't expect it after so much perfection. I'm not really one to expect things, maybe I just wasn't prepared for this kind of stuff. I know I wasn't. I'm ready, just not prepared. I don't know if have the tools or life skills I need to make this better all on my own; I don't know if I'll learn over time and develop them and be fine. The latter will probably happen, but I don't know how to get there if things go horribly awry.
Things might not even go horribly awry. I don't know what's going to happen, what reactions I'll have to face, what both of us are going through right now. I need to not think about what I should've done differently because I can't do anything about it now.
I just feel very, very alone. Which is worse than feeling lonely. I feel slightly abandoned and very alone. I don't like going to bed when I feel alone. It makes me feel even more alone. I also feel slightly guilty. Which I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I really don't want to think right now and there's no drug or drink or person in the world that can make my mind blank. Damn what I would do to get a magic pill that made me think about only happy meaningless things. A pill that temporarily turned me into a depth-free moron. And anxiety-free ball of happiness and love and freedom from mental inhibitors.
I wish I could talk to my mom about everything. But she doesn't know a lot and it's hard to tell her certain things, simply because she doesn't know about that aspect of my life. She knows me pretty damn well, but she doesn't know what's going on. And I don't know if I want her to know things that might make her worry.
I wonder if that PowerMat wireless charger thing actually works. Probably, but I wonder if it like, dies really fast or charges super slow. I don't know what's so bad with plugging your phone into the wall anyway. You'd have to clear a surface for the PowerMat thing, and, let's face it, the desks of the people who have the need to charge three devices at once probably don't have that kind of space. I don't need to charge three devices at once and I don't even have that kind of space.
I wish I could contemplate dumb shit like that all night. Occupy my brain with medicrity and wonderment with the basics of the world. No emotional contemplation or rationalizing or asking questions that can't really be answered. I also wish Mika was available. She can always calm me down and make me not so crazy, and she's busy with homework most likely. And I feel bad for bugging her, but I need someone to be logical and make my world make sense. Give me a baseline perspective. I need that now. Very, very badly.
I guess I just play the waiting game now. During which I have plenty of time to be a crazy girl. Freaking out over stupid shit that may not even exist. I just really, really want to stop thinking, more than I ever have before. It could ruin everything and I don't want it to do that. I won't let it.
I find accordion noises soothing and methodical and nice right now. Very strange.
Sometimes the human brain is so frustrating. You don't have control over it. You can't stop the way your brain thinks, and you can't stop it from thinking. If only you had control over the control center. It amuses me that it took me a long time to even realize I had anxiety. Frustrates me too.
I think it's time for me to try to sleep. I'm crossig my fingers and hoping sleepiness will trump thinking.
I'm still unemployed because people are not reliable, nor do things tend to work out for me.
I hate my apartment more than I did months ago.
I'm in love but I don't know how in love the other person is with me.
I'm up and down right now. I'm doing pretty well in school, but everything else it's starting to suffer. I don't like that my personal life can make me so bummed I don't care about school, because I need to care about school.
I learned trying to convince yourself you don't care about someone is fucking worthless and it doesn't work.
I realized how important feeling like I have a home is to me.
I got a new keyboard for my laptop and it's all smooth and nice and I don't have to go back and type the stuff I missed because my keys don't work when they don't feel like it.
My anxiety is directing itself at one thing right now, and I really don't like what it's going with. I think I'm going to take some NyQuil or AdvilPM just to make myself pass out, because at the speed my mind is going right now, I will never sleep. I don't know why I always have the same recurring problems with people I care for, but it's getting so frustrating I might as well give up trying at this point.
I neglect LiveJournal a lot until I have something to bitch about late at night and no one's around to talk to. Right now I really, really need someone to talk to me and talk me down and set me straight. Just kind of to get my head out of the girl crazy cloud. But they're all asleep or something. It makes me feel even more unimportant when I know that's such a selfish thing to feel. It wouldn't make me feel that way normally, just under these circumstances. I have a lot to think about and no one to pour it out to.
That's where the internet comes in pretty handy I guess. Ugh. Now I feel kind of bad for using the internet for my personal gain. Goddammit.
Even if I just type out my random thoughts it keeps me from obsessively thinking about something that I really should just let be. And it's really easy for people to say "just let things happen" or "it'll all be okay." They forget that your mindset isn't the same. They forget I direct my anxiety at ONE THING and this is the only thing I have to have anxiety over. It's easy to think what the ideal situation would be.
I was fine until like, I don't know, probably 9 days ago. It's felt like an eternity honestly. I'm asking all these existential questions and acknowledging the negative consequences as well as the positive ones. I'm thinking of what I should and shouldn't have done, which is never, ever good.
I can't even really type about it without starting to think about it. I shouldn't have in the first place. I sound like a crazy person. At least it's a mildly entertaining Family Guy at 1:41 in the morning and I'm starting to get tired. I don't want to go to bed and just lie there depressed and thinking. And I know that's what will happen. Will NyQuil get rid of that? I don't know if my anxiety brain is enough to overpower NyQuil, but I woudn't doubt it.
I'm facing a lot right now. Too much for Family Guy to make me forget, too much for weed to calm me down, too much for sleep to even work out. And I really hate that one person has so much influence over all of this. I never thought of myself as exempt or immune to that kind of phenomenon. But I didn't expect it after so much perfection. I'm not really one to expect things, maybe I just wasn't prepared for this kind of stuff. I know I wasn't. I'm ready, just not prepared. I don't know if have the tools or life skills I need to make this better all on my own; I don't know if I'll learn over time and develop them and be fine. The latter will probably happen, but I don't know how to get there if things go horribly awry.
Things might not even go horribly awry. I don't know what's going to happen, what reactions I'll have to face, what both of us are going through right now. I need to not think about what I should've done differently because I can't do anything about it now.
I just feel very, very alone. Which is worse than feeling lonely. I feel slightly abandoned and very alone. I don't like going to bed when I feel alone. It makes me feel even more alone. I also feel slightly guilty. Which I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I really don't want to think right now and there's no drug or drink or person in the world that can make my mind blank. Damn what I would do to get a magic pill that made me think about only happy meaningless things. A pill that temporarily turned me into a depth-free moron. And anxiety-free ball of happiness and love and freedom from mental inhibitors.
I wish I could talk to my mom about everything. But she doesn't know a lot and it's hard to tell her certain things, simply because she doesn't know about that aspect of my life. She knows me pretty damn well, but she doesn't know what's going on. And I don't know if I want her to know things that might make her worry.
I wonder if that PowerMat wireless charger thing actually works. Probably, but I wonder if it like, dies really fast or charges super slow. I don't know what's so bad with plugging your phone into the wall anyway. You'd have to clear a surface for the PowerMat thing, and, let's face it, the desks of the people who have the need to charge three devices at once probably don't have that kind of space. I don't need to charge three devices at once and I don't even have that kind of space.
I wish I could contemplate dumb shit like that all night. Occupy my brain with medicrity and wonderment with the basics of the world. No emotional contemplation or rationalizing or asking questions that can't really be answered. I also wish Mika was available. She can always calm me down and make me not so crazy, and she's busy with homework most likely. And I feel bad for bugging her, but I need someone to be logical and make my world make sense. Give me a baseline perspective. I need that now. Very, very badly.
I guess I just play the waiting game now. During which I have plenty of time to be a crazy girl. Freaking out over stupid shit that may not even exist. I just really, really want to stop thinking, more than I ever have before. It could ruin everything and I don't want it to do that. I won't let it.
I find accordion noises soothing and methodical and nice right now. Very strange.
Sometimes the human brain is so frustrating. You don't have control over it. You can't stop the way your brain thinks, and you can't stop it from thinking. If only you had control over the control center. It amuses me that it took me a long time to even realize I had anxiety. Frustrates me too.
I think it's time for me to try to sleep. I'm crossig my fingers and hoping sleepiness will trump thinking.