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I always feel a bit blue around this time, and the whole pandemic isn't helping. It all kinda boils down to the foundations of my identify. For years now, I've always referred to myself (in a perhaps lightly joking tone) that I was a rocket scientist, a teacher, and a dancer. Well, the first one all fell apart a couple years ago. Moved on, did the regular work thing. Ok. But then the covid hits and the other two get blown away. Well crap. Now what?
So for a year and half I guess things were just in a hazy numb feeling. No outlet for the other third of me that stands on the stage and does the thing, the last third that manages all the people to keep the education flowing. My defined Saturdays for quite literally the past 20+ years, poof and gone. And so I just coasted on that nothingness for a while... but the last few weeks? I think I've run out of numb. The existential crisis that I've been avoiding is flooding in, with a healthy dose of loneliness on the side. It's just all so utterly blugh, like my only defense mechanism is to fall onto apathy, because what's my alternative... find a healthy coping mechanism? Hah!
So for a year and half I guess things were just in a hazy numb feeling. No outlet for the other third of me that stands on the stage and does the thing, the last third that manages all the people to keep the education flowing. My defined Saturdays for quite literally the past 20+ years, poof and gone. And so I just coasted on that nothingness for a while... but the last few weeks? I think I've run out of numb. The existential crisis that I've been avoiding is flooding in, with a healthy dose of loneliness on the side. It's just all so utterly blugh, like my only defense mechanism is to fall onto apathy, because what's my alternative... find a healthy coping mechanism? Hah!