Villainy
Title: Villainy
Author: Mini Luv
Pairing: Harry/Ron
Warnings: Crack!Fic
Summary: Harry has bad news. He thinks there is deceit afoot. Teehee. A foot.
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Sequel to Monologue, or maybe even a standalone. Probably crappy. Written in a very short amount of time. Did I laugh while writing it? You bloody well better believe it. To my awesome Cassie, who is awesome and eighteen and therefore is legal to have sex with all kinds of people. :D
Harry burst into the room, standing miserably/heroically in the doorway, his robes billowing out behind him in a superhero-ish-ness manner.
“Come in,” Draco said. Harry hurried over and slammed his hands onto the desk in front of his arch-nemesis ‘Dracato’.
“I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS!” Harry bellowed.
“Why the bloody hell are you yelling?” Draco sneered and leaned backwards. Harry didn’t seem to notice, he merely leaned forward.
“MY SIDEKICK AND LOVER, RONALD WEASLEY, IS BELIEVED TO BE HAVING AN AFFAIR.”
“And…” Draco sighed, seeing that there was no escape from this idiot.
“AND I THOUGHT THAT YOU, DRACATO, COULD HELP ME TO DISCOVER THE TRUTH, AS RONALD WEASLEY, MY SIDEKICK AND LOVER, IS THE ONE WHO USUALLY CONSPIRES WITH ME, BUT HE IS THE ONE WE ARE CONSPIRING AGAINST.” Harry huffed heavily. That had taken a lot of air.
“I see…” Draco stroked his beard thoughtfully. “We shall have to get to the bottom of this!” Draco gestured wildly in the air to make his point.
“Sweet.” Harry turned and walked out. Draco, unconcerned, pulled out his handy dandy microscope and began to look for clues.
------------------
“Dracato, what are you doing with that microscope?” Harry asked, his hands folded neatly behind his back.
Draco winced and as he pulled the ginormous contraption along with him. “I…am…looking…for…clues…” he huffed.
“Ah, yes, I was just coming to speak to you about that. I believe there is a particular spot of interest for us.”
Draco stopped. “And where, exactly, is this spot?”
“You must have passed it about three hallways back.”
Draco sighed.
-----------------------
“Why are we in the prefect’s bathroom?” Draco heaved the microscope onto a sink and collapsed beside it.
“I told you,” Harry said, soaping himself. “I needed a bath.”
Draco groaned. “I thought you said this was a point of interest?”
“It is, I needed a bath so I thought it would be interesting.”
“But why am I here?”
“You know, I haven’t the faintest clue…”
Draco seethed.
“So why, exactly, do you think your boyfriend is having an affair?” he spat through gritted teeth
“Well,” Harry said, stroking his rubber ducky, “he’s been avoiding me, and when he does see me, he starts crying uncontrollably.”
Squeak. Squeak.
Draco squinted. There was something he should be remembering… “And why does that mean he’s having an affair?”
“Rubber ducky, you’re so fine! Oh, I think it’s really just guilt that’s keeping him away.”
Squeak! Squeak!
Draco winced. “Potter, could you please stop that-“
“I find a fellow who’s cute and yellow and chubby…”
SQUEAK! SQUEAK!
“POTTER!”
“When I squeeze you, you make noise!” Harry giggled happily, clapping his hands.
----------------------
“What are you wearing!?”
“It’s my super suit!” Harry looked down at his clothes. He was wearing red spandex. He had no clue what was bothering his arch-nemesis Dracato.
“Please tell me you’re not wearing a sword…”
“It’s to defend myself!”
“It’s plastic!”
“So!?”
“What are you going to do, make Ron eat it and die a month later from food poisoning?”
Harry glared. “Maybe that’s exactly what I’ll do.”
Draco sighed. “Oh goodness, Harry,” he covered his face, “you can see your-“
“…cute and yellow and chubby…”
“-bits!” Draco groaned, exasperated.
“…when I squeeze you, you make noise…” Harry had pulled out his rubber duck again and was flinging it around. “They don’t know you’re my secret weapon, do they Ducky? Oh, I’m sorry, Dracato, what did you say?”
Draco moaned, leaning against the wall. “We just have to wait until Weasley gets here, and then we just ask him if he’s having an affair, right? And then I can leave?”
“Yes! And then we corner him and force him to repent his lies! MWAHAHA!” Harry cackled evilly. Draco winced and backed away. This was getting too Justice League for him.
“Wait a second,” Draco wondered aloud, “why am I helping Potter anyways?”
Just then, Ron, Harry’s sidekick and lover, strolled into the Gryffindor dormitory. He was stunned and stood there, stunned.
“Harry, I’m stunned!” he exclaimed. “You’re with Draco!?”
“AHA!” Harry yelled. “I’m with Draco!” He stopped for a moment. “Wait…”
Draco sighed. “Look, Weaselboy, are you having an affair or not?”
“An affair!?” Ron looked shocked, stunned even. “But, Harry, we’re not even dating!”
Everyone in the room gasped, even Ron, though he had no idea why.
“B-b-b-but, sweetiekins!” Harry started to bowl, his face in his hands.
“Potter! What the hell are you doing?!” Harry looked over at Draco, his face still in his hands.
“I thought it said I was supposed to bowl?” he said.
Draco glared at the author. “Spelling mistake, you’re supposed to bawl, like, you know, cry.”
“Ah, I see,” Harry said, dropping the bowling ball. “That was hard to do with my face in my hands anyways.”
Ron, seeming not to notice this, handed Harry a letter. “But you wrote me this!”
Dear Fuckface,
I never want to see your face again, it is fugly (yes, I did say fugly! Get used to it!). You are also annoying, and have bad breath. And I am totally in love with Hagrid. And Dumbledore. And Scabbers, your annoying pet rat. So don’t come near me, and if Potter I ask, just walk away. Yeah. And you’re ugly. And stuff.
Not in love,
The only guy almost as ugly as you (Potter) (a.k.a Your Boyfriend)
P.S. And you better think twice about messing with Malfoy because he is teh awesome sex bomb.
Harry was aghast. “But I never wrote that!” he cried.
“But,” Ron replied. “Then who did?”
Draco leaned over Harry’s shoulder thoughtfully. “You know, that looks an awful lot like my writing… Hm. Fancy that. Why’s everyone staring at me?” Draco raised his eyebrows. “Well? Do I have something in me teeth be hon- Ooohhh… right…” Draco laughed nervously. “Eh, sorry ‘bout that, completely slipped my mind. You know how these things are.”
Ron was stunned. Harry was shocked. Draco was ready to slap Ron for being so stunned.
“So,” Ron whispered, turning to Harry, “You still love me?”
“Of course,” Harry whispered back.
Draco sighed. If you can’t beat ‘em, put on their love song and watch them make out. Or however it goes.
And so it happened that Draco began to play Hero by Enrique Iglesias, and Ron and Harry slow danced together for a long time before coming together for some serious PDA.
The end.
A/N: So Cassie, which one do you say is my best Crack!fic yet?
Author: Mini Luv
Pairing: Harry/Ron
Warnings: Crack!Fic
Summary: Harry has bad news. He thinks there is deceit afoot. Teehee. A foot.
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Sequel to Monologue, or maybe even a standalone. Probably crappy. Written in a very short amount of time. Did I laugh while writing it? You bloody well better believe it. To my awesome Cassie, who is awesome and eighteen and therefore is legal to have sex with all kinds of people. :D
Harry burst into the room, standing miserably/heroically in the doorway, his robes billowing out behind him in a superhero-ish-ness manner.
“Come in,” Draco said. Harry hurried over and slammed his hands onto the desk in front of his arch-nemesis ‘Dracato’.
“I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS!” Harry bellowed.
“Why the bloody hell are you yelling?” Draco sneered and leaned backwards. Harry didn’t seem to notice, he merely leaned forward.
“MY SIDEKICK AND LOVER, RONALD WEASLEY, IS BELIEVED TO BE HAVING AN AFFAIR.”
“And…” Draco sighed, seeing that there was no escape from this idiot.
“AND I THOUGHT THAT YOU, DRACATO, COULD HELP ME TO DISCOVER THE TRUTH, AS RONALD WEASLEY, MY SIDEKICK AND LOVER, IS THE ONE WHO USUALLY CONSPIRES WITH ME, BUT HE IS THE ONE WE ARE CONSPIRING AGAINST.” Harry huffed heavily. That had taken a lot of air.
“I see…” Draco stroked his beard thoughtfully. “We shall have to get to the bottom of this!” Draco gestured wildly in the air to make his point.
“Sweet.” Harry turned and walked out. Draco, unconcerned, pulled out his handy dandy microscope and began to look for clues.
------------------
“Dracato, what are you doing with that microscope?” Harry asked, his hands folded neatly behind his back.
Draco winced and as he pulled the ginormous contraption along with him. “I…am…looking…for…clues…” he huffed.
“Ah, yes, I was just coming to speak to you about that. I believe there is a particular spot of interest for us.”
Draco stopped. “And where, exactly, is this spot?”
“You must have passed it about three hallways back.”
Draco sighed.
-----------------------
“Why are we in the prefect’s bathroom?” Draco heaved the microscope onto a sink and collapsed beside it.
“I told you,” Harry said, soaping himself. “I needed a bath.”
Draco groaned. “I thought you said this was a point of interest?”
“It is, I needed a bath so I thought it would be interesting.”
“But why am I here?”
“You know, I haven’t the faintest clue…”
Draco seethed.
“So why, exactly, do you think your boyfriend is having an affair?” he spat through gritted teeth
“Well,” Harry said, stroking his rubber ducky, “he’s been avoiding me, and when he does see me, he starts crying uncontrollably.”
Squeak. Squeak.
Draco squinted. There was something he should be remembering… “And why does that mean he’s having an affair?”
“Rubber ducky, you’re so fine! Oh, I think it’s really just guilt that’s keeping him away.”
Squeak! Squeak!
Draco winced. “Potter, could you please stop that-“
“I find a fellow who’s cute and yellow and chubby…”
SQUEAK! SQUEAK!
“POTTER!”
“When I squeeze you, you make noise!” Harry giggled happily, clapping his hands.
----------------------
“What are you wearing!?”
“It’s my super suit!” Harry looked down at his clothes. He was wearing red spandex. He had no clue what was bothering his arch-nemesis Dracato.
“Please tell me you’re not wearing a sword…”
“It’s to defend myself!”
“It’s plastic!”
“So!?”
“What are you going to do, make Ron eat it and die a month later from food poisoning?”
Harry glared. “Maybe that’s exactly what I’ll do.”
Draco sighed. “Oh goodness, Harry,” he covered his face, “you can see your-“
“…cute and yellow and chubby…”
“-bits!” Draco groaned, exasperated.
“…when I squeeze you, you make noise…” Harry had pulled out his rubber duck again and was flinging it around. “They don’t know you’re my secret weapon, do they Ducky? Oh, I’m sorry, Dracato, what did you say?”
Draco moaned, leaning against the wall. “We just have to wait until Weasley gets here, and then we just ask him if he’s having an affair, right? And then I can leave?”
“Yes! And then we corner him and force him to repent his lies! MWAHAHA!” Harry cackled evilly. Draco winced and backed away. This was getting too Justice League for him.
“Wait a second,” Draco wondered aloud, “why am I helping Potter anyways?”
Just then, Ron, Harry’s sidekick and lover, strolled into the Gryffindor dormitory. He was stunned and stood there, stunned.
“Harry, I’m stunned!” he exclaimed. “You’re with Draco!?”
“AHA!” Harry yelled. “I’m with Draco!” He stopped for a moment. “Wait…”
Draco sighed. “Look, Weaselboy, are you having an affair or not?”
“An affair!?” Ron looked shocked, stunned even. “But, Harry, we’re not even dating!”
Everyone in the room gasped, even Ron, though he had no idea why.
“B-b-b-but, sweetiekins!” Harry started to bowl, his face in his hands.
“Potter! What the hell are you doing?!” Harry looked over at Draco, his face still in his hands.
“I thought it said I was supposed to bowl?” he said.
Draco glared at the author. “Spelling mistake, you’re supposed to bawl, like, you know, cry.”
“Ah, I see,” Harry said, dropping the bowling ball. “That was hard to do with my face in my hands anyways.”
Ron, seeming not to notice this, handed Harry a letter. “But you wrote me this!”
Dear Fuckface,
I never want to see your face again, it is fugly (yes, I did say fugly! Get used to it!). You are also annoying, and have bad breath. And I am totally in love with Hagrid. And Dumbledore. And Scabbers, your annoying pet rat. So don’t come near me, and if Potter I ask, just walk away. Yeah. And you’re ugly. And stuff.
Not in love,
The only guy almost as ugly as you (Potter) (a.k.a Your Boyfriend)
P.S. And you better think twice about messing with Malfoy because he is teh awesome sex bomb.
Harry was aghast. “But I never wrote that!” he cried.
“But,” Ron replied. “Then who did?”
Draco leaned over Harry’s shoulder thoughtfully. “You know, that looks an awful lot like my writing… Hm. Fancy that. Why’s everyone staring at me?” Draco raised his eyebrows. “Well? Do I have something in me teeth be hon- Ooohhh… right…” Draco laughed nervously. “Eh, sorry ‘bout that, completely slipped my mind. You know how these things are.”
Ron was stunned. Harry was shocked. Draco was ready to slap Ron for being so stunned.
“So,” Ron whispered, turning to Harry, “You still love me?”
“Of course,” Harry whispered back.
Draco sighed. If you can’t beat ‘em, put on their love song and watch them make out. Or however it goes.
And so it happened that Draco began to play Hero by Enrique Iglesias, and Ron and Harry slow danced together for a long time before coming together for some serious PDA.
The end.
A/N: So Cassie, which one do you say is my best Crack!fic yet?