An Update On My Life...
The first 3 months of Evie's life was surreal. I felt like a Mother bear hibernating while carrying her cub inside her for the 4th trimester. I guess that would make it a quadmester.
The truth is, this is so much harder than I could have imagined. And there are days where I want my old life back where I didn't have the demands of an infant on top of all the other things I do. Some of which have and are becoming a "used to do." And some of these things are necessary such as work (most of my work is done at home), and wash dishes, or take a shower.
Evie is sweet. And she's a high need baby. She wants to be held constantly. For the first 3 1/2 months she wouldn't even allow me to put her in a body carrier so that I could at least have some time to be hands free - and therefore maybe get some things done. I tried around 8 different kinds of carriers and she would go ballistic anytime I tried to put her in one. Then finally, just a couple of weeks ago I tried one of the rejects and !!! I walked around the neighborhood for over an hour and she was content and didn't cry once. Exercise is so limited these days so it's been utter joy for me to be able to move around freely AND have her be happy.
It's not easy trying to get things done around the apartment with her inside the carrier, so I'm still limited in many ways, but it's a little better than it was.
In my head I had it all planned out how things would be. And I especially had this strong vision of what a beautiful Mother I would be - patient, kind, positive. And it has been so completely different. I am exhausted and short on patience. And there are times where I curse out loud and fall apart in front of her because I get to a point of being at my wits end. I really wanted to be a better role model... a better mother. I thought I would be a natural at it, and I'm not. I look at Mothers who are just totally at ease with their baby and I'm envious that I don't have the same natural ability. There's a disconnect in my soul. What I envisioned and what the reality is does not line up at all.
I did not realize how important and necessary it would be to have support. And what I mean by support is to have family nearby, so that someone could come over a few times a week and play with/watch Evie so I could have time to shower without listening to her cry (if I'm not holding her, then she cries and cries), or go on a run to refuel myself, or to take a nap. Or to get work done for my job (the work issue has been the most stressful out of everything). Neither Randy nor I have any family nearby. We are on our own (we can't afford a babysitter and on top of that I wouldn't trust ANYONE with Evie besides my Mom and a couple of close friends - my Mom is up North and the two close friends who I trust work so it's not like they can come over during the daytime hours when I'm in need). Since Randy works 6 days a week, I am with Evie alone the majority of the time. My break comes when I go to work Monday/Wednesday evenings and Tuesday mornings. And once in a while I get to go on a run. But most of the time I have no choice but to run with her by pushing her in the stroller. She hates it and cries the entire time. I can't afford a baby jogger right now, so she's in a regular stroller and it's not smooth or very comfortable for her. When I'm pushing her, I only run 10-15 minutes because I hate subjecting her to the discomfort. And when I'm alone (rare) I get to run 30 minutes or longer. I love those rare moments of running and being free. I miss running SO much.
I did not expect that my life would go on just the same as always. I just didn't realize that it would be turned upside down as much as it has been.
I love her. We love her. There are many moments of joy and laughter and beauty - many of which I've captured in photos and video. And there are 10 times as many moments that I feel alone, despair, and frustration.
I am trying to be something more, something better for her sake. It is not easy.
I really want her to be happy and content. Not only because I deeply desire that for her, but because it will make my life (our lives) that much easier.