Meh~
Edit: THANK YOU EVERYBODY WHO'S GIVEN ME STUFF TO LISTEN TO!!
Just stuff. I'm odd and wanted to see how it looked online.
Yesyes I know. *shrug*
I just want to do something right.
Just one little thing.
It doesn't have to be known. I can keep it to myself.
I just want one thing to hold high, to be able to feel good about.
I want to be a little tidier. A bit smarter. Just a tad bit of a
hard-worker so my marks can be higher. And...maybe a little
affectionate.
I want to be a little stronger. A bit more perfect. Just a tad bit of
a person so people don't look at me with that pity. And...maybe a
little ...maybe a little different.
I don't want many things in life. No, really, I don't.
People say I'm ambitious.
They do not understand that it's my mother that's ambitious. And it's
the way I talk that gets me good marks, not studying hard or being
intelligent.
They do not understand that anything less than perfect doesn't fit my
family. They do not know I'm the disgrace of the family.
I'm not pitying myself. Really I'm not. Not being dramatic either.
Mother made it clear that I'm not successful enough. It's not that she
wants perfect marks (that doesn't make her happy either) she just
wants me to work for them. She wants me to get thinner and be
beautiful. She wants me to play the piano, the violin, draw well, be
smart, and in the end be willing to accept a boring job at her company
that I just do not want to do. I'd sell it in a week, that company,
should she dare leave it to me.
As arabs say; "Reality is richer than dreams."
I don't dream much. My farthest dream would be that of getting a
scholarship from an art school. And even that, I know won't happen. I
just let myself get excited a little, in hopes of motivation to make
my grades higher.
Many would disagree but a life without hopes and dreams is a wonderful
thing. If you don't want anything out of your grasp, you have
everything. And I don't ignore my dreams, that would be painful; I
just don't have them.
My life isn't half bad. I go to a private school with interesting
subjects, I have a nice pocket-money, I have an understanding family,
so to say. At least we don't have fights like some families do.
Not that we can, really.
Father doesn't live with us anymore, so no reason to fight with him
really. I see him once two months if I'm lucky.
Mother isn't a grown-up; she's just a child. A very worn-out child,
but a child still. Her line of thought is always that of a four year
old, it really is. Sometimes that's bad, sometimes it's good, and
sometimes it's outright cute or frustrating.
Sister doesn't exist. She isn't a person. She cries a lot. So much.
She likes saying hurtful things for no reason. She likes reminding me
I can't do things, or that I don't do things that I should. If I dare
tell her I did something, she tells me I have no right to brag about
things.
I don't talk to her much, so she doesn't bother me. It is true however
that while I know how to deal with mum, she remains a thing in my life
that I just want to get away from. I have no defences against her
words. She can use the same sentence as mum and it's hurtful when
she says it.
I don't hurt easily.
If I rant, ninety percent of the time I'm just talking, not sad at
all. Sad, upsetting,infuriating, etc things are nice to talk about but
they don't affect me much.
If, for some reason, something has really made me sad - which is
always but words, never actual events, not even rape - I smile. I try
to grin but my face just wasn't made for that so I smile. And I
comfort the person who's hurt me. I tell them sweet words so they
won't feel guilty.
I smile.
I don't really hide behind my smile. It's just that... People don't
understand these days, that you can do good and hide it. It seems a
fairytale to them. They don't believe I could be selfless. Victoria,
the selfish bitch, the know-it-all whore, why would she sacrifice her
own emotions for a person?
They cannot grasp that a person can hold back tears.
They do not understand that, just to not make others sad, a person can
hide everything.
That's okay.
It really is.
Everybody's life is hard for themselves.
The don't understand that either.
But then again, there are lots of things that I myself don't
understand. So who can blame them?
What was I saying?
Oh yes, I like my life.
I have no right to complain and I won't.
I have a few talents, even though I cannot concentrate on one of them
so they stay as just that - "a few talents..."
I have an avarage scholar success. (No matter what they say.)
I have a computer, a playstation, a gameboy (a few, actually) and
basically everything (almost) a geek could ask for.
I have friends. They're only a handful but only because I choose for
it to be so. Some people do see the kindness in me - especially when
they see me helping people I don't even know - and so it really isn't
hard for me to make friends, but I prefer a few close ones. I prefer
the silence. I avoid going out, as much as I can without hurting them.
I have oppurtunities.
Not that I want to use them but I do.
There is nothing, nothing wrong with my life. And my family? I'm
better off than most. When they see my sister and me getting along (if
you can call it that) they are so surprised, because families fight,
siblings shout at each other and NOBODY loves their parents. Ribellion
is the thing these days, as a friend of mine had told me, and
teenagers make sure to follow the trend.
What is wrong, as I said, isn't me either. Not really.
I just want to do something. One achivement. I've done things in the
past but never really achivied anything. I cannot say one solid thing
about my life. I learned languages, I've drawn for hours and I've
played instruments...but in the end, there is nothing I can say about
my life.
I'm young, yes, I know that. Even though I feel old since I was seven,
I'm young in reality.
I have years ahead of me to make things happen.
But you know what? I lack the ambition to. I don't want a glamourous
life. I don't want a good job, not really. All I want is to do
something, one thing, that my parents will like. Oh you could never
satisfy my father not because he's ambitious but because he's achieved
so much everything you do is a joke to him; and my sister can say
pretty words but never ever mean them and that gets to you -- my
mother though. She can be happy. It's possible to make her happy.
Not easy maybe but she smiles.
Nobody sees that but me, I think.
My sister cackles and laughs and giggles. My father chuckles and
ruffles my hair. My father's girlfriend closes her eyes and her lips
curl. My mother's boyfriend rolls eyes and snickers.
My mother smiles.
When I think about it, I can't remember having her made smile by
myself. Surely I must have, at least when I was a baby...
She's a child and innocent, whatever happens and she's naive and she's
religious and she's kind and she simply believes in things, in people.
She's also a mother though, and a bit afraid for me I think. She
just...thinks I should work harder. I should be ambitious and at least
do one thing properly because as nice as it sounds to do many things,
it's usually better to do one properly.
She's right, of course she's right.
Even though a praise now and then hurt nobody.
I don't want them to be proud of me, I don't want them to look back at
what I've done and say "nice," or... I don't want anything from them
really.
I just want to do something they'll be proud of. They don't even need
to be proud of me, they don't even have to know it. I just want to do
something that will make - or would have made - my mother smile.
I keep a lot of things to myself.
I could keep that too.
Why not?
There are so many things to search in life, and yet I only want to do
one thing right. Proper. However you wish to name it. It's funny how
hard that can be.
I lack the ambition, maybe.
Or the talent or simply the way of thinking. Who knows?
I just hate failing.
Another reason not to have dreams. But also... I'd like to think of
myself as smart. Sometimes though...sometimes it hits you when you
least expect it.
Sometimes, when you do something, you expect a smile in return.
You expect a "Thank you."
At least a nod.
Or maybe just a simple "Good girl; you should do that more often you
know!"
Not...not being shouted at.
Not the guilt they make you feel by asking afterwards if they'd hurt
you.
No, not really, not anymore. They say you learn to not listen to
things, and maybe that's true.
But even the person who depends on intelligence the most, the person
who thinks she can control her emotions, even she can't help but hope
sometimes.
Just sometimes.
Not because everything I hope for happens. They won't. Hopes aren't
for that. They're for the mere feeling of hope. They're there to keep
you alive.
I don't understand really, why somebody is shouted at for hoping she
may be able to go to a precollege program.
Just tell me it won't happen; I know that already. Why talk in that
annoying voice, telling me I'm stupid?
It's just a small candle in the dark. It was never meant to lighten up
the whole place. It was never meant to happen. It's just a little
comfort, something to look forward to.
Why, of all people, do they choose to shout at somebody with so little
hopes? I live in the real world and don't look far away - the most I
"hope" for is for the test that day to pass well. I can't even hope
for something that'll happen a week later.
Why then, do they feel the need to tell me it won't happen when I want
something that's months away? I'm a teenager after all; I can even
forget it before the time comes.
Wanting things you cannot have. Hoping. Dreaming.
They hurt. They're alien to me, and I hate it when I have to face one
of them.
So I want to do something. One thing. It can be cleaning up my room
even.
I just want to know that I've done something. Anything.
Even taking the dog out once in a while makes me feel good. Still, I
want something a bit more solid.
I want to get a good mark on a subject I'm bad at.
I want to lose weight - not because I'm not comfortable with it but my
mother at least acknowledges that change.
I want to be able to throw out that knife I hide. I don't touch it,
but it brings a sick feeling of comfort.
I want to be dependent and loving and overall a "family person."
I want to make my mother smile. Really.
I lie. These don't matter. I just want...a prize of some sort. I can
give it to myself, that isn't the point.
I just want to be able to say to myself, "But you did this, so you can
forget all about all else."
I want to hold on to the knowledge that I've done something, good or
bad.
I babble so much. Another one of my lovely traits.
All these words, just to say one thing.
I want to do something, anything, and remember it, hold on to it, for
ever. Treasure it, find peace in it.
Mother
And she's only yours tonight
Oh she never cries
Mother
But I know...
from Julia by Our Lady Peace
*shrug*
Just stuff. I'm odd and wanted to see how it looked online.
Yesyes I know. *shrug*
I just want to do something right.
Just one little thing.
It doesn't have to be known. I can keep it to myself.
I just want one thing to hold high, to be able to feel good about.
I want to be a little tidier. A bit smarter. Just a tad bit of a
hard-worker so my marks can be higher. And...maybe a little
affectionate.
I want to be a little stronger. A bit more perfect. Just a tad bit of
a person so people don't look at me with that pity. And...maybe a
little ...maybe a little different.
I don't want many things in life. No, really, I don't.
People say I'm ambitious.
They do not understand that it's my mother that's ambitious. And it's
the way I talk that gets me good marks, not studying hard or being
intelligent.
They do not understand that anything less than perfect doesn't fit my
family. They do not know I'm the disgrace of the family.
I'm not pitying myself. Really I'm not. Not being dramatic either.
Mother made it clear that I'm not successful enough. It's not that she
wants perfect marks (that doesn't make her happy either) she just
wants me to work for them. She wants me to get thinner and be
beautiful. She wants me to play the piano, the violin, draw well, be
smart, and in the end be willing to accept a boring job at her company
that I just do not want to do. I'd sell it in a week, that company,
should she dare leave it to me.
As arabs say; "Reality is richer than dreams."
I don't dream much. My farthest dream would be that of getting a
scholarship from an art school. And even that, I know won't happen. I
just let myself get excited a little, in hopes of motivation to make
my grades higher.
Many would disagree but a life without hopes and dreams is a wonderful
thing. If you don't want anything out of your grasp, you have
everything. And I don't ignore my dreams, that would be painful; I
just don't have them.
My life isn't half bad. I go to a private school with interesting
subjects, I have a nice pocket-money, I have an understanding family,
so to say. At least we don't have fights like some families do.
Not that we can, really.
Father doesn't live with us anymore, so no reason to fight with him
really. I see him once two months if I'm lucky.
Mother isn't a grown-up; she's just a child. A very worn-out child,
but a child still. Her line of thought is always that of a four year
old, it really is. Sometimes that's bad, sometimes it's good, and
sometimes it's outright cute or frustrating.
Sister doesn't exist. She isn't a person. She cries a lot. So much.
She likes saying hurtful things for no reason. She likes reminding me
I can't do things, or that I don't do things that I should. If I dare
tell her I did something, she tells me I have no right to brag about
things.
I don't talk to her much, so she doesn't bother me. It is true however
that while I know how to deal with mum, she remains a thing in my life
that I just want to get away from. I have no defences against her
words. She can use the same sentence as mum and it's hurtful when
she says it.
I don't hurt easily.
If I rant, ninety percent of the time I'm just talking, not sad at
all. Sad, upsetting,infuriating, etc things are nice to talk about but
they don't affect me much.
If, for some reason, something has really made me sad - which is
always but words, never actual events, not even rape - I smile. I try
to grin but my face just wasn't made for that so I smile. And I
comfort the person who's hurt me. I tell them sweet words so they
won't feel guilty.
I smile.
I don't really hide behind my smile. It's just that... People don't
understand these days, that you can do good and hide it. It seems a
fairytale to them. They don't believe I could be selfless. Victoria,
the selfish bitch, the know-it-all whore, why would she sacrifice her
own emotions for a person?
They cannot grasp that a person can hold back tears.
They do not understand that, just to not make others sad, a person can
hide everything.
That's okay.
It really is.
Everybody's life is hard for themselves.
The don't understand that either.
But then again, there are lots of things that I myself don't
understand. So who can blame them?
What was I saying?
Oh yes, I like my life.
I have no right to complain and I won't.
I have a few talents, even though I cannot concentrate on one of them
so they stay as just that - "a few talents..."
I have an avarage scholar success. (No matter what they say.)
I have a computer, a playstation, a gameboy (a few, actually) and
basically everything (almost) a geek could ask for.
I have friends. They're only a handful but only because I choose for
it to be so. Some people do see the kindness in me - especially when
they see me helping people I don't even know - and so it really isn't
hard for me to make friends, but I prefer a few close ones. I prefer
the silence. I avoid going out, as much as I can without hurting them.
I have oppurtunities.
Not that I want to use them but I do.
There is nothing, nothing wrong with my life. And my family? I'm
better off than most. When they see my sister and me getting along (if
you can call it that) they are so surprised, because families fight,
siblings shout at each other and NOBODY loves their parents. Ribellion
is the thing these days, as a friend of mine had told me, and
teenagers make sure to follow the trend.
What is wrong, as I said, isn't me either. Not really.
I just want to do something. One achivement. I've done things in the
past but never really achivied anything. I cannot say one solid thing
about my life. I learned languages, I've drawn for hours and I've
played instruments...but in the end, there is nothing I can say about
my life.
I'm young, yes, I know that. Even though I feel old since I was seven,
I'm young in reality.
I have years ahead of me to make things happen.
But you know what? I lack the ambition to. I don't want a glamourous
life. I don't want a good job, not really. All I want is to do
something, one thing, that my parents will like. Oh you could never
satisfy my father not because he's ambitious but because he's achieved
so much everything you do is a joke to him; and my sister can say
pretty words but never ever mean them and that gets to you -- my
mother though. She can be happy. It's possible to make her happy.
Not easy maybe but she smiles.
Nobody sees that but me, I think.
My sister cackles and laughs and giggles. My father chuckles and
ruffles my hair. My father's girlfriend closes her eyes and her lips
curl. My mother's boyfriend rolls eyes and snickers.
My mother smiles.
When I think about it, I can't remember having her made smile by
myself. Surely I must have, at least when I was a baby...
She's a child and innocent, whatever happens and she's naive and she's
religious and she's kind and she simply believes in things, in people.
She's also a mother though, and a bit afraid for me I think. She
just...thinks I should work harder. I should be ambitious and at least
do one thing properly because as nice as it sounds to do many things,
it's usually better to do one properly.
She's right, of course she's right.
Even though a praise now and then hurt nobody.
I don't want them to be proud of me, I don't want them to look back at
what I've done and say "nice," or... I don't want anything from them
really.
I just want to do something they'll be proud of. They don't even need
to be proud of me, they don't even have to know it. I just want to do
something that will make - or would have made - my mother smile.
I keep a lot of things to myself.
I could keep that too.
Why not?
There are so many things to search in life, and yet I only want to do
one thing right. Proper. However you wish to name it. It's funny how
hard that can be.
I lack the ambition, maybe.
Or the talent or simply the way of thinking. Who knows?
I just hate failing.
Another reason not to have dreams. But also... I'd like to think of
myself as smart. Sometimes though...sometimes it hits you when you
least expect it.
Sometimes, when you do something, you expect a smile in return.
You expect a "Thank you."
At least a nod.
Or maybe just a simple "Good girl; you should do that more often you
know!"
Not...not being shouted at.
Not the guilt they make you feel by asking afterwards if they'd hurt
you.
No, not really, not anymore. They say you learn to not listen to
things, and maybe that's true.
But even the person who depends on intelligence the most, the person
who thinks she can control her emotions, even she can't help but hope
sometimes.
Just sometimes.
Not because everything I hope for happens. They won't. Hopes aren't
for that. They're for the mere feeling of hope. They're there to keep
you alive.
I don't understand really, why somebody is shouted at for hoping she
may be able to go to a precollege program.
Just tell me it won't happen; I know that already. Why talk in that
annoying voice, telling me I'm stupid?
It's just a small candle in the dark. It was never meant to lighten up
the whole place. It was never meant to happen. It's just a little
comfort, something to look forward to.
Why, of all people, do they choose to shout at somebody with so little
hopes? I live in the real world and don't look far away - the most I
"hope" for is for the test that day to pass well. I can't even hope
for something that'll happen a week later.
Why then, do they feel the need to tell me it won't happen when I want
something that's months away? I'm a teenager after all; I can even
forget it before the time comes.
Wanting things you cannot have. Hoping. Dreaming.
They hurt. They're alien to me, and I hate it when I have to face one
of them.
So I want to do something. One thing. It can be cleaning up my room
even.
I just want to know that I've done something. Anything.
Even taking the dog out once in a while makes me feel good. Still, I
want something a bit more solid.
I want to get a good mark on a subject I'm bad at.
I want to lose weight - not because I'm not comfortable with it but my
mother at least acknowledges that change.
I want to be able to throw out that knife I hide. I don't touch it,
but it brings a sick feeling of comfort.
I want to be dependent and loving and overall a "family person."
I want to make my mother smile. Really.
I lie. These don't matter. I just want...a prize of some sort. I can
give it to myself, that isn't the point.
I just want to be able to say to myself, "But you did this, so you can
forget all about all else."
I want to hold on to the knowledge that I've done something, good or
bad.
I babble so much. Another one of my lovely traits.
All these words, just to say one thing.
I want to do something, anything, and remember it, hold on to it, for
ever. Treasure it, find peace in it.
Mother
And she's only yours tonight
Oh she never cries
Mother
But I know...
from Julia by Our Lady Peace
*shrug*