(no subject)
What are the names that make up a man? What are the lines between hero and villain?
Kon has thought about that far too much over the past month. Far too much before that, really, but now... it seemed to be teh question that -defined- him. But no matter how much he turned it over in his head, no matter how much he deliberated in it, he only came to the same conclusion.
Anything that defined him in a positive light... anything that possibly showed him to be a good person... was completely and utterly off. How could it -ever- be otherwise? He'd hurt them all. He'd hurt every single one of his friends. He'd hurt Tim. Nothing could ever reverse that.
He could still remember all of it in full detail. He still saw all of it in his nightmares. After the bar, he'd fallen under control again, and he... he'd hurt them all again. Hurt them each in succession, and then....
The spell had been broken not once, but twice. First by Cassie, and then... by he himself. He'd somehow managed it, after all that time. It would have been nice if he could have done it sooner.
But it didn't matter if he'd broken it. He'd hurt them all. Hurt them so badly. You could argue with him if you liked. Argue with him for hours that it wasn't his fault, that he had nothing to do with it. That he hadn't been under control. But he knows better. He was there, he watched it all happen. No matter how hard he'd fought, it hadn't stopped until the very end.
And that made it all his fault.
---
He's spent a month under self enforced house arrest. It's so Luthor can't find him, partially. But mostly it's because he doesn't want to go out, he doesn't want to face them, he doesn't want to face himself.
And even though he's so scared of what he might do, above that is worries about what the others might do.
Kon doesn't expect any of them to ever forgive him. He has no idea if he'd forgive himself, given the same situation. He did so much, he... he saw things he never should have seen done. He can't imagine what it's possibly like from their side of things.
So he worries about that, and he worries about his family. What will happen to them if Luthor does find them? Will more bad things occur? Sometimes he wonders if he should just exhile himself. But then he gets a look at Ma's smile... and he knows that he never could.
For better or for worse, whatever that says about him, he never could.
And he worries about Tim. Kon knows - he knows that he's not alright. But he also knows that Tim isn't showing up, and he... he could force himself into his life somehow. Call him repeatedly, break the house arrest for one exception, do something. But he doesn't really have that right anymore, does he?
He just have to wait, and give the other boy time. And if that time never comes... well. Then Kon has to let him move on. He can't really do anything else. But even so, that's worrying, too. Because he knows Tim needs... something. Someone. Will he really let someone else get close again?
Beyond that, so many other worries as well. And somehow, within it all, he never really spares one ounce of worry for himself.
He just feels guilty for the worry he knows others feel.
---
Despite the fact he had been convinced the others wouldn't want to see and hear from him, he's left with a little doubt now. Because... well. He can't deny what just happened. He'd be an idiot to. Raven showed up, and she put him through an overwhelming and tiring experience, but she showed him he had a soul. And she told him that they wanted him back. That he was always a Titan, and when he was ready, they'd be there.
He has no idea if these are just pity words, or if they're really true. And he has no idea if he'll ever have the courage to find out.
But despite everything, what Raven did... it helped, a little. He knows he had a soul, now. But whether or not he had a soul didn't really change anything, in the end.
Or did it?
It was all just so confusing...
All he really knew is that he'd lost himself that day, he'd lost the most important things in his life, and he didn't know how to get any of it back.