justprompts: What People Don't Know Could Fill a Hat
What's something people may not know about you?
I'm Fine.
It's one of the phrases Ben uses all the time. How you doing, kid? Everything alright? How's school? Whatever the question was, Ben always had the same answer. It slid off his tongue easily and the quick smile and flash of eyes, change of subject and people believed him.
But Ben wasn't fine, and as he sat alone in his dorm room, far from his family and Anna, he was starting to realize that himself. He had hoped that these feelings were residual emotions that Meg had left in him, but now he was starting to doubt it.
He couldn't explain it. It was like a track in his head that just kept repeating and he didn't know how to make it stop some nights. He hugged his pillow to his face, trying to drown out his own thoughts.
You're worthless. No one wants you, Ben. You're not special. You're just the normal kid that can take care of himself. Why should anyone be worried about you? Why should they be bothered to care?
You wanted this. You wanted to go to school. Wanted to be normal and not be involved. You really didn't think they would let you, did you? It was just a way to get attention. You wanted Dean to pay attention to you. Why do you need his approval? Why should you care?
You ever think that maybe you're not the center of his world? Why should you be? You're not Sam - you could never be even if you tried. You'd be lucky if you ended up anywhere near being as strong of a person as him. And Alec - he's everything you aren't. Perfect soldier and broken warrior. Someone that follows Dean the way he wants, and also gives him something to fix. Why else would Dean coddle him the way he does?
You're the "stable" one. I bet the demons laugh at that. A stable Winchester, right. They don't know the truth. No one knows it. You hide behind your smile and fast car and books when all you want is just to scream and wave your arms and beg someone to pay attention to you.
You're a chickenshit and you know it. All you have to do is say it. But you don't think you need to. Mom always knew what you needed and served it to you on a platter. And you got her killed, didn't you little boy? Then your daddy... remember the blood on your hands. He could have known earlier, but he didn't feel he had to worry about you.
No one worries about you. You're always fine, right? Nothing's wrong. No one sees that just perhaps you might be as broken as the rest. Your powers are fixed but there are still things you can't figure out and it's going to slowly drive you crazy.
Crazy Ben. Didn't Alec say the other Ben went crazy? Maybe it does run in the bloodline.
The demons aren't going to stay away forever, Ben. They are just waiting. Waiting to strike and you're the weakest link. They are going to come hard and fast and after you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Then they are going to break you...
You want that, don't you? Want the demons to come and hurt you so that someone will pay attention to you - and you'd like it. You see it in yours head, don't you? Chained up against the wall, beaten near death and just waiting for the moment that your daddy would come bursting through the doors to save you. To know he's been hunting for you. Worried. You want him to worry about you like he worries about Sam and Alec.
Why can't you just be normal and enjoy the good life you have right now? Why are you trying to destroy it? Are you really that much in need of attention that you would throw it all away?
You're weak and worthless. No one wants you, Ben. You're not special...
There was a knock on the door and Ben sat up in bed just as his door opened. His roommates stood in the doorway, drunken grins on their face. "Hey, Ben... there's a kegger across the hall! Get out of bed and join in!"
Ben looked at them and shook his head, smiling a bit. "Nah, I'm fine. You guys go have fun though."
"Suit yerself!" They laughed and closed his door, letting the darkness creep back into the room and surround the Winchester son. He stood up and turned on the nightlight to get a bit of a glow in the room, then stretched back out on the bed and looked at the ceiling.
"I'm fine..." he said softly to himself, taking a deep breath and trying to shut the voices up in his head. "I'm fine..."
I'm Fine.
It's one of the phrases Ben uses all the time. How you doing, kid? Everything alright? How's school? Whatever the question was, Ben always had the same answer. It slid off his tongue easily and the quick smile and flash of eyes, change of subject and people believed him.
But Ben wasn't fine, and as he sat alone in his dorm room, far from his family and Anna, he was starting to realize that himself. He had hoped that these feelings were residual emotions that Meg had left in him, but now he was starting to doubt it.
He couldn't explain it. It was like a track in his head that just kept repeating and he didn't know how to make it stop some nights. He hugged his pillow to his face, trying to drown out his own thoughts.
You're worthless. No one wants you, Ben. You're not special. You're just the normal kid that can take care of himself. Why should anyone be worried about you? Why should they be bothered to care?
You wanted this. You wanted to go to school. Wanted to be normal and not be involved. You really didn't think they would let you, did you? It was just a way to get attention. You wanted Dean to pay attention to you. Why do you need his approval? Why should you care?
You ever think that maybe you're not the center of his world? Why should you be? You're not Sam - you could never be even if you tried. You'd be lucky if you ended up anywhere near being as strong of a person as him. And Alec - he's everything you aren't. Perfect soldier and broken warrior. Someone that follows Dean the way he wants, and also gives him something to fix. Why else would Dean coddle him the way he does?
You're the "stable" one. I bet the demons laugh at that. A stable Winchester, right. They don't know the truth. No one knows it. You hide behind your smile and fast car and books when all you want is just to scream and wave your arms and beg someone to pay attention to you.
You're a chickenshit and you know it. All you have to do is say it. But you don't think you need to. Mom always knew what you needed and served it to you on a platter. And you got her killed, didn't you little boy? Then your daddy... remember the blood on your hands. He could have known earlier, but he didn't feel he had to worry about you.
No one worries about you. You're always fine, right? Nothing's wrong. No one sees that just perhaps you might be as broken as the rest. Your powers are fixed but there are still things you can't figure out and it's going to slowly drive you crazy.
Crazy Ben. Didn't Alec say the other Ben went crazy? Maybe it does run in the bloodline.
The demons aren't going to stay away forever, Ben. They are just waiting. Waiting to strike and you're the weakest link. They are going to come hard and fast and after you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Then they are going to break you...
You want that, don't you? Want the demons to come and hurt you so that someone will pay attention to you - and you'd like it. You see it in yours head, don't you? Chained up against the wall, beaten near death and just waiting for the moment that your daddy would come bursting through the doors to save you. To know he's been hunting for you. Worried. You want him to worry about you like he worries about Sam and Alec.
Why can't you just be normal and enjoy the good life you have right now? Why are you trying to destroy it? Are you really that much in need of attention that you would throw it all away?
You're weak and worthless. No one wants you, Ben. You're not special...
There was a knock on the door and Ben sat up in bed just as his door opened. His roommates stood in the doorway, drunken grins on their face. "Hey, Ben... there's a kegger across the hall! Get out of bed and join in!"
Ben looked at them and shook his head, smiling a bit. "Nah, I'm fine. You guys go have fun though."
"Suit yerself!" They laughed and closed his door, letting the darkness creep back into the room and surround the Winchester son. He stood up and turned on the nightlight to get a bit of a glow in the room, then stretched back out on the bed and looked at the ceiling.
"I'm fine..." he said softly to himself, taking a deep breath and trying to shut the voices up in his head. "I'm fine..."