Smash
"Head down
as i watch my feet
take turns hitting the ground
I should
I find myself in love
racing the earth
And I
am soaked in your love
and love was right in my path
in my grasp
and me and you Belong"
- Smash into You
I keep listening to this song feeling such a stark jealousy for people who can write about such happiness in their lives. I can never quantify that kind of elation on paper. It makes me laugh and feel so vulnerable to unguard myself and enjoy and accept and to write about the good things.
Every time I try, it comes out so empty. So cliche.
My jealousy also, NO! it's not really jealousy- it's longing. That's it! The dull ache in the center of my chest longing - to be part of something capable of changing me in the way this song describes.
In the Spring - the season we embark on now can be unproductive and filled with unproductive episodes for me. The heart, the eyes and the senses open up like buds to blossom. The body becomes so infinitely aware of the 'newness' in the air and the lush undergrowth under our feet waiting to spring forth. We too ( at least I) get this massive urge to was to Start Again. Start Something. Start Anything!
My eyes are open, but I have been taking in my current reality that I have been trying to pretend hasn't been creeping up alongside me- one which I have been trying to pretend to others that I am okay with.
It's been a pretty shitty 6 months : Since leaving HMV, due to a bad end to my relationship with ---, I have hopped from one crap job to another, earning very little money to pay my bills let alone pay off the debt I have before I can start school again. I haven't gotten along with most of my coworkers save for maybe one or two. They are ALL so different from me. I have had to act and fake my way into seven a sense of acquaintance with them. The ones at this job are on full tilt to try and get me fired. I have had to dot every 'i' and cross my 't''s twice.
I know in myself that I need stability and some sense of belonging. Not having this has been particularly hard on me.
I haven't had the money or the time to commit myself to a regular social life ( and i suppose in that I only have myself to blame). My introverted nature spends most of the day talking to strangers who couldn't give a damn and people who outright would rather see me suffer. I come home COMPLETELY drained and I just want to hop into a hot bubble bath and sit in silence than get dressed up again, put on my happy face makeup and spend more time with people who I actually know and still doubt if they give a damn. Most of the time i just feel like they want something from me, or I am there because at one point (years ago) I might have sat and had a conversation or two of actual substance.
My not-being-in-school has also kept me away from making new relationships people like-minded and like-aged peers. While sitting here and writing this, going through my daily, weekly, and monthly activities for the last while- I am become all too aware of the extent at which I have isolating myself. Those around me most often, that being my family, HAVE noticed. Last Friday night I was invited to an acquaintance's birthday/club shindig and my mom actually became SO involved in trying to get me to go to i that she gave me $50 to make sure i could afford it. It was a nice gesture on her part, but I even doubt she could afford it and I ask myself what part of our very stretched budget that came out of. She agreed drive me where I needed to go if i could not make it there on time by TTC and even proceeded to call me repeatedly to check if i was still going.
Once there, I coated my personality in alcohol as to try and mask my social awkwardness and insecurity- but I didn't food myself.
I have been filling the time I have to myself ( and that's a lot now that I am receiving about 50 bucks as a paycheck now) with many more types of isolation.
I work out: with my headphones on. I don't talk to people unless i have to. I'm jovial, but short. 'hey are you using that set of dumb bells?' That kind of thing.
Reading: spending time in another world in which i am not the Experiencer
Drinking obscene amounts of coffee : to keep myself in a constantly heightened state so i don't experience just how low i may feel right now. It creates a filter to which i can view the world.
Jumping between starving myself and binge eating: creating yet another layer to the filter. 'hunger' and 'fullness' cloud my awareness.
Sleeping: a lot. It's a way of checking 'out' and passing the time. Even when i'm not tired (which i often am due to the meds i take) I'll just pop a few gravol and within 20 mins i'm in a form of coma.
I haven't been talking to many people. I have become all too aware that I talk too much, and I have acquired an insecurity with speaking now because of it. Those i have talked to, the conversation has been either few and far between or the subjects of which lack substance....
But back to Spring time- and the opening of eyes and hearts and the like. In this new season I have also become aware of just how many areas of my life are unfulfilled right now, and by that i am feeling vastly so as well. 5 or 6 areas have been counted so far.
To add insult to injury, the toll at which the economic downturn has taken on my life has forced me to apply for Social Assistance. That's right people, Welfare: the system I spent so long repressing and dealing with the stigma and effects of being on in my childhood, I've applied back for it. I also was denied it.
My Pride, a quality which I have anchored myself to in life- I use it to remind myself of worth and if I hold myself to high standards , and to f__k up, I will find people who too share this kind of ideal and are of the same kinship cloth as i am cut. For a long time i was and still am in ways treated 'less than' because of where i have come from. Self Pride is central. That being said, I have not found many who share this quality, accept this quality in me, or who understand me. My pride has been a light of constant hope in a way.
All of this has taken a massive beating as I have become so unable to rise above my circumstances.
And it would all not feel as black and bleak if I felt but one thing...
I keep listening to this song, such a hopeful and happy song with this dull ache, a slow melting inside at the awareness that all this strife I have been through and am going through now would be okay if i could head into the arms of someone I loved and who loved me in the same way as is described in this song.
But I feel so outside myself with my " head down, watching my feet take turns hitting the ground."
as i watch my feet
take turns hitting the ground
I should
I find myself in love
racing the earth
And I
am soaked in your love
and love was right in my path
in my grasp
and me and you Belong"
- Smash into You
I keep listening to this song feeling such a stark jealousy for people who can write about such happiness in their lives. I can never quantify that kind of elation on paper. It makes me laugh and feel so vulnerable to unguard myself and enjoy and accept and to write about the good things.
Every time I try, it comes out so empty. So cliche.
My jealousy also, NO! it's not really jealousy- it's longing. That's it! The dull ache in the center of my chest longing - to be part of something capable of changing me in the way this song describes.
In the Spring - the season we embark on now can be unproductive and filled with unproductive episodes for me. The heart, the eyes and the senses open up like buds to blossom. The body becomes so infinitely aware of the 'newness' in the air and the lush undergrowth under our feet waiting to spring forth. We too ( at least I) get this massive urge to was to Start Again. Start Something. Start Anything!
My eyes are open, but I have been taking in my current reality that I have been trying to pretend hasn't been creeping up alongside me- one which I have been trying to pretend to others that I am okay with.
It's been a pretty shitty 6 months : Since leaving HMV, due to a bad end to my relationship with ---, I have hopped from one crap job to another, earning very little money to pay my bills let alone pay off the debt I have before I can start school again. I haven't gotten along with most of my coworkers save for maybe one or two. They are ALL so different from me. I have had to act and fake my way into seven a sense of acquaintance with them. The ones at this job are on full tilt to try and get me fired. I have had to dot every 'i' and cross my 't''s twice.
I know in myself that I need stability and some sense of belonging. Not having this has been particularly hard on me.
I haven't had the money or the time to commit myself to a regular social life ( and i suppose in that I only have myself to blame). My introverted nature spends most of the day talking to strangers who couldn't give a damn and people who outright would rather see me suffer. I come home COMPLETELY drained and I just want to hop into a hot bubble bath and sit in silence than get dressed up again, put on my happy face makeup and spend more time with people who I actually know and still doubt if they give a damn. Most of the time i just feel like they want something from me, or I am there because at one point (years ago) I might have sat and had a conversation or two of actual substance.
My not-being-in-school has also kept me away from making new relationships people like-minded and like-aged peers. While sitting here and writing this, going through my daily, weekly, and monthly activities for the last while- I am become all too aware of the extent at which I have isolating myself. Those around me most often, that being my family, HAVE noticed. Last Friday night I was invited to an acquaintance's birthday/club shindig and my mom actually became SO involved in trying to get me to go to i that she gave me $50 to make sure i could afford it. It was a nice gesture on her part, but I even doubt she could afford it and I ask myself what part of our very stretched budget that came out of. She agreed drive me where I needed to go if i could not make it there on time by TTC and even proceeded to call me repeatedly to check if i was still going.
Once there, I coated my personality in alcohol as to try and mask my social awkwardness and insecurity- but I didn't food myself.
I have been filling the time I have to myself ( and that's a lot now that I am receiving about 50 bucks as a paycheck now) with many more types of isolation.
I work out: with my headphones on. I don't talk to people unless i have to. I'm jovial, but short. 'hey are you using that set of dumb bells?' That kind of thing.
Reading: spending time in another world in which i am not the Experiencer
Drinking obscene amounts of coffee : to keep myself in a constantly heightened state so i don't experience just how low i may feel right now. It creates a filter to which i can view the world.
Jumping between starving myself and binge eating: creating yet another layer to the filter. 'hunger' and 'fullness' cloud my awareness.
Sleeping: a lot. It's a way of checking 'out' and passing the time. Even when i'm not tired (which i often am due to the meds i take) I'll just pop a few gravol and within 20 mins i'm in a form of coma.
I haven't been talking to many people. I have become all too aware that I talk too much, and I have acquired an insecurity with speaking now because of it. Those i have talked to, the conversation has been either few and far between or the subjects of which lack substance....
But back to Spring time- and the opening of eyes and hearts and the like. In this new season I have also become aware of just how many areas of my life are unfulfilled right now, and by that i am feeling vastly so as well. 5 or 6 areas have been counted so far.
To add insult to injury, the toll at which the economic downturn has taken on my life has forced me to apply for Social Assistance. That's right people, Welfare: the system I spent so long repressing and dealing with the stigma and effects of being on in my childhood, I've applied back for it. I also was denied it.
My Pride, a quality which I have anchored myself to in life- I use it to remind myself of worth and if I hold myself to high standards , and to f__k up, I will find people who too share this kind of ideal and are of the same kinship cloth as i am cut. For a long time i was and still am in ways treated 'less than' because of where i have come from. Self Pride is central. That being said, I have not found many who share this quality, accept this quality in me, or who understand me. My pride has been a light of constant hope in a way.
All of this has taken a massive beating as I have become so unable to rise above my circumstances.
And it would all not feel as black and bleak if I felt but one thing...
I keep listening to this song, such a hopeful and happy song with this dull ache, a slow melting inside at the awareness that all this strife I have been through and am going through now would be okay if i could head into the arms of someone I loved and who loved me in the same way as is described in this song.
But I feel so outside myself with my " head down, watching my feet take turns hitting the ground."