(no subject)
I’ve been thinking a lot about balance lately.
I’ve been thinking about the roles I play, what I do because I have to, what I do because I want to, what I do for other people, what I do for myself.
I’ve been thinking about this in relation to friendship and work and spirituality and what I want and what I need.
Keith and I had a conversation on the way to the beach Friday about balancing time. There is a good chunk of time we have to spend doing work, so when it comes to free time we have to divvy it up into family time with the three of us, one on one with parent and child, one on one with husband and wife and just simple alone time. There never seems to be enough time to achieve a good mix of the four.
If you’re a fandom friend, then you probably know I’ve been writing lately. I’m not going to call it a monster, but it is the longest thing I’ve written in 2+ years (second longest thing ever) and it’s AU. On top of that, I’ve set certain goals for myself as far as posting dates. So, it’s taking a lot of my focus. And it’s not like I suddenly got an extra amount of time/energy, I’ve pulled it from other places.
I realized over the weekend as I have focused on the writing (something I consider “me” time) I have neglected other areas of my life. I might not be as good at keeping up with LJ or e-mailing a friend when they cross my mind or meditating or cleaning house (heh, the only thing that falls off the radar faster than house cleaning is exercise). I don’t feel I’ve been heinous to anyone, maybe not even neglectful, just not as attentive. And it makes me feel like a bad friend yet I very much enjoy the creative process…how can I be a good, attentive friend and still get that creative buzz?
I’ve been struggling lately to find balance as a parent. Trying to find the perfect stability between holding her feet to the fire and letting her slide occasionally. Trying to figure out when it’s important to hold on and when it’s important to let go. When do I stop her before she hits the wall and when do I let her make her own mistakes because that’s the only way we ever learn? And I’m never sure I’m doing it right and the Hell of it is, I won’t know for twenty years or more if I did do anything right as a parent.
I had two friendship issues come up yesterday. And I was again struck by the word balance. How did I strike a balance between being honest, getting my needs met, not being a drama queen about it, not hurting anyone’s feelings? There’s always that question in a friendship when those moments come up…what is more important: honesty or peace? Are my feelings more important or are theirs? If I meet you with calm honesty, will you meet me with the same? Or is the fact there is a problem enough to drive you away? And how do I find the balance at just the right time to say or do just the right thing?
My boss/brother was standing in the kitchen at the office the other morning whining about not having time to exercise and get all his work done and spend time with his family. So I told him to hold out his hands and I put a coffee cup in one and a bowl in the other and told him to keep them both level and keep on talking. He gave me a really weird look but started talking again. After about ten seconds, I said, “Hey, the coffee cup is lower than the bowl, raise your arm.” He gave me a look that would have melted plastic and raised his arm a bit and went on talking. After about three seconds, the coffee cup was lower again. I pointed it out, he corrected and then we did it all again. After a few minutes, he got frustrated and said, “Lisa, I can’t do this.” That’s the point, dude. Nobody can.
I finally figured it out; not how to achieve balance, but the nature of balance. Balance isn’t a destination. It’s not like suddenly I’m ever going to “get there” and viola! I have achieved balance. There is always movement, constant flux. Sometimes I am closer to having my time/energy/focus/love/feelings evenly and appropriately distributed and other times things are way out of whack. Depends on life at the moment, I guess.
But there is a tremendous freedom in finally figuring that out. It is actually a relief.
I kept thinking if I were just a bit better of a person, a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better sister, a better employee I could finally have/achieve balance. If I can get through the next “thing” I’ll be able to find some balance afterwards.
But I’m realizing now it’s a state of being; I will never achieve balance, but I am always balancing (just some days doing a better job than others).
And when the morning light comes streaming in, I’ll get up and do it again. Amen.
Just something that’s been hanging out in my brain for a few days and I needed to “get it on paper” so I could go back to writing the story. If you hung out this long, thanks for listening to me blather.
I have an unopened NaNoWriMo kit from last year…anybody need it? First responder gets it.
Peace.