(no subject)
I have been aware for a long time that the personality defects I need to work on become clear to me in actions and reactions during my everyday life. As I think I mentioned here, late in the spring I kept getting messages that in order to obtain greater spiritual growth, I needed to reduce my ego.
So, at the beginning of the summer I prayed for help in reducing my ego.
This summer, frankly, blew.
I forgot how that whole ego reduction thing works. I forgot one of the quickest ways to reduce the ego is by having it busted.
Over and over.
And over.
And over again.
I won’t enumerate everything that happened. But not too much of it was fun.
Painful though some of it was, I learned a lot. About myself, about my ego, about my attachments.
I know I’ll never be completely rid of ego and I know I’ll have to learn some of these lessons again, but I hope I have learned enough to STOP GETTING STOMPED ON, at least for the moment.
My college roommate and best friend used to torture me by doing my hair and make-up and putting fake fingernails on me and I always complained when she pulled my hair or poked me in the eye or burned me with the curling iron or filed my nails (I HATE THAT FEELING) and she would say, “It hurts to be beautiful.”
While I have never put a lot of effort into my physical appearance, I have put a lot of effort into my emotional health and spiritual growth. And I have learned growth often takes a lot of effort, it is seldom easy and is often painful. Becoming beautiful inside takes more work and pain than becoming beautiful outside, and though I’m not there and probably never will be, every time I am able to let go of a little bit of the ugliness inside, when I am coming off a particularly hard lesson, when I see a certain issue finally cleared away or a particularly obnoxious character defect reduced a little bit, I think of Andrea saying, “It hurts to be beautiful.”
And sometimes, the lesson is not about the ego, sometimes the lesson is just to trust that everything will be all right.
There is a gas shortage here; two hour plus waits at the few stations that have gas. The financial news lately leaves me with a constant low grade anxiety. My house is a mess. I think something is wrong with my car again. I found out someone I thought was my friend has been talking about me behind my back. I have another friend that I have allowed to manipulate me into some triangulation. Several people I care dearly about are having struggles with their families or their health. I wore new shoes Tuesday and blistered both my baby toes and then accidentally ripped one of the blisters off and now have raw skin on that toe. And…and…and…
When things are going wrong, even when I prayed for the lesson, it is an effort to remember to focus on what is right. When things go wrong and there is NO lesson other than “that’s life” it is difficult to focus on my blessings. Sometimes I am better at it than others and remember gratitude. Sometimes I just want to wallow in self-pity and blame everyone else. Depends on when you catch me.
But this much I know: I have so much more to be grateful for than I do to not be grateful for. Even the “bad” things bring gifts. Even when I don’t remember to be grateful, I have more to be grateful for than I deserve.
Today I am grateful for:
Keith and Savannah
The sound of the rain outside my bedroom window
Autumn
My friends near and far, new and old
My sight
The smell of peaches
Sleeping with the windows open
Having a job
Seeing someone do something hard, when it’s for the best
Plans for homemade soup and fresh baked bread
Dreams and ghosts
My daughter’s laugh
The advice of friends
The quiet perfection of ordinary moments with my family
Old photographs
Unexpected phone calls
Hearing “I love you”
Saying “I love you”
Doggy kisses
The feel of clean sheets
Wise friends
Strong friends
Friends to laugh and be silly with
Friends who count their blessings
My cat purring
All of you
Knowing I have everything I need for today and so much more
I am so blessed.
Peace.