To live or to die?
A friend called me at 5am in the morning of Big Walk. It's been a long time since I last met or heard from him. My immediate reaction was that he must be mad to think that I'll be awake to pick up his call. Almost wanted to sms him to scold him for trying to wake me up on a Sunday morning, but remembering that he is a damn sensitive person, I managed to stop myself. Instead, I just asked if he really called me. Well, could be he accidentally pressed his phone... a mistake that has been very common.
Only got his reply later in the afternoon, saying that he did call me, and the reason is he is feeling depressed. Didn't tell me much through sms. But when we meet up at night, I found out the reason.
Well, it's not something new, actually. This is not the first time that he's complaining about his life. I have been fully aware of the cause of his suffering. He is 2 years younger, I think. And I used to think and hope that with time, he will grow to accept the harsh fact, accept himself as who he is and be mature and strong enough to face his life. It never happened. Not once has he told me that he is happy. I am even guilty of dismissing him off as a "cry-baby" last time.
Yes, I can feel that he has become more matured. But, somehow, I feel that now, he is feeling worse. And it is this maturity without the necessary strength that worries me.
He asked me whether have I thought about dying, whether have I thought of killing myself before, and what do I think of Life... I asked him back the same questions that he threw to me. Yes, he is thinking of dying. Yes, he has thought of killing himself. And yes, he is tired of living. He is now waiting and hoping that he will be knocked down by a car while he's crossing the road.
The meaning of Life, a topic that used to bug me for some time a few years back. I also can't remember when did I start pondering over this, and when I stopped. I guess this is a stage of life that most people will go through, sooner or later. Did I stop thinking about it because I found the answer? Because I gave up trying to find an answer? Or have I been so caught up in trying to live that I forgot to ask myself the meaning of Life itself???
I tried to give him my answer. Or rather, my opinion of what's Life to me, and what I would want to see happening to my own Life. Not sure if that has any positive effect on him. I am not even sure of it for myself! The situation that's causing his suffering is very real and very unfair. Something that I believe no "normal" person can understand unless it happened to the person himself. I would not dare to blame him or look down on him for not being strong enough to face the reality. I wouldn't have taken it better.
Suddenly, I felt that I AM the "cry-baby" instead. I have been brooding over things that would have become insignificant in the face of his sufferings. Even to this minute, I cannot totally accept certain things that occurred in my life. I am not able to overcome the little difficulties that are being placed in front of me. How am I supposed to help him, to counsel him? I can only hope that he will come across someone that can show him the way...and soon...
jie
Only got his reply later in the afternoon, saying that he did call me, and the reason is he is feeling depressed. Didn't tell me much through sms. But when we meet up at night, I found out the reason.
Well, it's not something new, actually. This is not the first time that he's complaining about his life. I have been fully aware of the cause of his suffering. He is 2 years younger, I think. And I used to think and hope that with time, he will grow to accept the harsh fact, accept himself as who he is and be mature and strong enough to face his life. It never happened. Not once has he told me that he is happy. I am even guilty of dismissing him off as a "cry-baby" last time.
Yes, I can feel that he has become more matured. But, somehow, I feel that now, he is feeling worse. And it is this maturity without the necessary strength that worries me.
He asked me whether have I thought about dying, whether have I thought of killing myself before, and what do I think of Life... I asked him back the same questions that he threw to me. Yes, he is thinking of dying. Yes, he has thought of killing himself. And yes, he is tired of living. He is now waiting and hoping that he will be knocked down by a car while he's crossing the road.
The meaning of Life, a topic that used to bug me for some time a few years back. I also can't remember when did I start pondering over this, and when I stopped. I guess this is a stage of life that most people will go through, sooner or later. Did I stop thinking about it because I found the answer? Because I gave up trying to find an answer? Or have I been so caught up in trying to live that I forgot to ask myself the meaning of Life itself???
I tried to give him my answer. Or rather, my opinion of what's Life to me, and what I would want to see happening to my own Life. Not sure if that has any positive effect on him. I am not even sure of it for myself! The situation that's causing his suffering is very real and very unfair. Something that I believe no "normal" person can understand unless it happened to the person himself. I would not dare to blame him or look down on him for not being strong enough to face the reality. I wouldn't have taken it better.
Suddenly, I felt that I AM the "cry-baby" instead. I have been brooding over things that would have become insignificant in the face of his sufferings. Even to this minute, I cannot totally accept certain things that occurred in my life. I am not able to overcome the little difficulties that are being placed in front of me. How am I supposed to help him, to counsel him? I can only hope that he will come across someone that can show him the way...and soon...
jie