On being a lesbian who loves a guy
Sexuality is a strange beast. For most people it's divided between straight (heterosexual) or gay (homosexual). Then there's bi-sexual for people who like both men and women which is how I've said I am on things like blogger or forums (if it's open-minded enough to give you that option).*
But you see I'm not bi-sexual. Yes I'm in a hetero-normal relationship and I love and am attracted to my husband, but that doesn't make me bi-sexual. The truth is I like girls. A lot. As in I'm a lesbian who happens to be in love with a man.
Sounds impossible? Well yeah it kind of makes my brain hurt too but bear with me here I'm going to try to explain how that works and why I even feel it necessary to say.
You see, I've always liked girls, I've also always known it makes me different. For a long time I tried to fight the fact I liked girls even though my family spent ages trying to subtly say "You're a lesbian and we still love you. Will you please be out now?" Okay not in so many words but there were a lot of conversations of how they would still love me now matter what sexuality I was. A lot of pointed conversations.
I tried to fight it partly because I liked romance, I liked the white knight sweeping a woman off her feet, I liked the idea of meeting a guy and having the stereotypical romance. I wanted it, I even convinced myself several times that I was in love with a guy while often actually crushing on one of my female friends.
Because of all this I spent a lot of my time lying to myself so when it came to actually being in love with a man I suddenly realized that if I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man I had to be honest. So I told him I was bi-sexual (because that made sense to me at the time), he took it very well and supported me. Empowered I came out to my friends (whose response was to go "Well finally!") and I started enjoying being open to myself and the world about liking women. Then it came to really defining what I liked and who I was and I realized that out of all the men on the planet the only one I was physically interested in was my husband. If he didn't exist I wouldn't actually like men at all. I also realized that my husband was a very special person and that I would love him if he was male, female, androgynous, or three headed alien from the planet Zufengle. I was in love with the person and the attraction comes from that, my attraction to his body comes from my attraction to him as a person.
I thought of just keeping that to myself or to me and my husband but I realized I didn't want to lie about my sexuality ever again. Bi-sexual worked for awhile for forums and such because I didn't always want to explain but when it comes to people I know I want to be able to watch t.v. with them and NOT have to gush about attractive men. I want to be able to not have to feign interest in how a man looks or how he might be in bed. I want to be able to get all giggly because that cute girl at the coffee place smiled at me. I want, in short, to be able to behave like me.
I spent too much of my life lying to myself and pretending to be something I'm not. So I will be changing my profile on here and yes I think my profiles everywhere to show my actual sexuality.
Because I might be married to a man, but I'm a lesbian and yes I'm proud of that and yes it does matter to me because it matters how I present myself and if I'm lying to myself or others.
*There are a lot of other sexualities beyond this Queer, Pansexual, etc, etc which I will admit I don't know about enough to go into detail about. I have done some research but not enough that I feel I can really discuss them with any meaning. So I'm not trying to be narrow in my view here but I've chosen to limit it to the sexualities that impact my sexual identity.
ETA: Okay I didn't change my blogger profile because I thought I said that I was bi on here but apparently I didn't...but I will change it on other web things.
ETAA: this link explains it so well! http://www.darcomic.org/2007/12/11/dykewithboyfriend/
But you see I'm not bi-sexual. Yes I'm in a hetero-normal relationship and I love and am attracted to my husband, but that doesn't make me bi-sexual. The truth is I like girls. A lot. As in I'm a lesbian who happens to be in love with a man.
Sounds impossible? Well yeah it kind of makes my brain hurt too but bear with me here I'm going to try to explain how that works and why I even feel it necessary to say.
You see, I've always liked girls, I've also always known it makes me different. For a long time I tried to fight the fact I liked girls even though my family spent ages trying to subtly say "You're a lesbian and we still love you. Will you please be out now?" Okay not in so many words but there were a lot of conversations of how they would still love me now matter what sexuality I was. A lot of pointed conversations.
I tried to fight it partly because I liked romance, I liked the white knight sweeping a woman off her feet, I liked the idea of meeting a guy and having the stereotypical romance. I wanted it, I even convinced myself several times that I was in love with a guy while often actually crushing on one of my female friends.
Because of all this I spent a lot of my time lying to myself so when it came to actually being in love with a man I suddenly realized that if I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man I had to be honest. So I told him I was bi-sexual (because that made sense to me at the time), he took it very well and supported me. Empowered I came out to my friends (whose response was to go "Well finally!") and I started enjoying being open to myself and the world about liking women. Then it came to really defining what I liked and who I was and I realized that out of all the men on the planet the only one I was physically interested in was my husband. If he didn't exist I wouldn't actually like men at all. I also realized that my husband was a very special person and that I would love him if he was male, female, androgynous, or three headed alien from the planet Zufengle. I was in love with the person and the attraction comes from that, my attraction to his body comes from my attraction to him as a person.
I thought of just keeping that to myself or to me and my husband but I realized I didn't want to lie about my sexuality ever again. Bi-sexual worked for awhile for forums and such because I didn't always want to explain but when it comes to people I know I want to be able to watch t.v. with them and NOT have to gush about attractive men. I want to be able to not have to feign interest in how a man looks or how he might be in bed. I want to be able to get all giggly because that cute girl at the coffee place smiled at me. I want, in short, to be able to behave like me.
I spent too much of my life lying to myself and pretending to be something I'm not. So I will be changing my profile on here and yes I think my profiles everywhere to show my actual sexuality.
Because I might be married to a man, but I'm a lesbian and yes I'm proud of that and yes it does matter to me because it matters how I present myself and if I'm lying to myself or others.
*There are a lot of other sexualities beyond this Queer, Pansexual, etc, etc which I will admit I don't know about enough to go into detail about. I have done some research but not enough that I feel I can really discuss them with any meaning. So I'm not trying to be narrow in my view here but I've chosen to limit it to the sexualities that impact my sexual identity.
ETA: Okay I didn't change my blogger profile because I thought I said that I was bi on here but apparently I didn't...but I will change it on other web things.
ETAA: this link explains it so well! http://www.darcomic.org/2007/12/11/dykewithboyfriend/